Scared, angry, and a little hopeful

This is my first post.  I feel like I've searched everywhere to try to find anwers to my pain and am so happy to find a place where there are other people that understand what it is that I am going through.  For a little background, here's my story:

I was in a car accident a year ago when a teenage girl blew threw an intersection and t-boned my car (she didn't even hit the brakes), then my car was pushed head on into a brick wall about 10 feet from the initial hit and the airbags deployed.   Two very hard impacts.  I couldn't move for about a week and was diagnosed with the generic "cervical strain" and told I could be in pain for 3-6 weeks.  Before the accident, I was atheletic, had a promising career that I worked very hard at, and was looking forward to starting a family in the next year or two.

Today, I feel like I am a shadow of the person I once was and I've tried just about everything get better: pt, massage therapy, chiro, tens unit, accupuncture, meditation, meds(narcotics, analgesics, muscle relaxers), cortisone, and more recently a neurorotomy.  It's not just the pain that I struggle with (it's a steady, never ending 5-9) but also the extreme fatigue and depression that goes along with it.  I'm 30 years old and I feel like my life is over-no more brilliant career, no more social life, and no baby in my future.  Everything I loved hurts-yoga, gardening, running, spending time with friends.  I can't even hug my husband without feeling pain.

It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since my rfn, so I am hopeful that I may get some relief from that, but so far my pain level hasn't changed much.  My job is up in the air and I've recently confessed to my bosses that I just can't keep going on like this anymore.  I'm hoping they will tell me I can work part time, but my gut says I may end up loosing the job I worked so hard at and sacrificed so much to have.  My neck just can't handle hours of working at a desk, I drive home every day with tears in my eyes.  I feel like there is nothing left of me by the end of the day and if this is what life is going to be, I just can't keep going on.  I've made steps to change things-I'm seeing a counselor and I've emotionally delt with the fact that I may be unemployed soon, but I can't say that I don't struggle all of the time.   I'm having such a hard time with the greif and anger involved and I really feel like no one around me understands.

 

Pam,

Thank you for your reply. Lately, I've been taking vicodin and gabapentin for the pain along with a cyclobenzaprin or methocarbamol (muscle relaxer) at night to help me sleep (although I reallly don't sleep much). I also take naproxen daily. Before I had the RFN, my Dr. gave me fentanyl (sp?) patches because vicodin wasn't even touching the pain. They made me feel horrible, but it was the first time in months where I had NO PAIN! I left them on for a few days and the break they gave me was tremendous. I stopped taking them because I was afraid of the addiction and also because I was about to have the rfn and I figured I should try to push through the pain, hoping I would have relief from the procedure soon.

I had a cortisone shot back last January and until about May, I was having cranial sacral massage, pt, and accupuncture about once a week and was down to minimal meds (mainly at night) and was feeling pretty good. I had a routine going. The cortisone stopped working abruptly in May and I decided to try the rfn. Unfortunatly, my insurance company fought me for months to approve the procedure (and required an additional medial branch nerve root block), and all the while, I kept loosing all of the ground I had gained. I had the procedure scheduled twice only to have it cancelled at the last minute, so the rest of my treaments also ended up on hold because I had to keep re-scheduling everything and my life became consumed with daily calls to Premera and the fight involved in getting my claim approved, rather than focusing on healing.

Now I am playing the waiting game. I will start back up with pt in a couple of weeks, but my insurance has run out for accupuncture and massage therapy is expensive, so I have to be judicious with those visits. I try as hard as I can to not take any of my meds, but end up breaking down mid day and by that time the pain has gotten away from me. I can't be in a fog at work (I work in finance and am deathly afraid my medicated mind would make a mistake), but at the same time I can't function without them so I go back and forth between taking them regularly and trying to cut them out. It's ridiculous, but I feel like I need to get to the point where I can live without the meds if I'm ever going to be able to get pregnant, so everytime I take a pill I feel like I'm failing :(.

  Oh Pepper , I'm so sorry , but I'm very glad you posted here so we can support you and be there for you . Life can seem so unfair some times but everything happens for a reason . Do you see a pain therapist or psychologist so you can talk out the emotional aspects of your challenges ? This would help a lot , you really need I think to deal with what your feeling , because you've got a lot of emotion about this , which is normal . A professional can guide you thru this and assist you in dealing with these feelings . I see one every week as my life changed completely too from a health issue . Please give this a try . You've done great work in trying to improve your situation , the meditation , and massage are good things . Yes and don't feel guilty about using medication to help you with your pain , this is a tool like any other , I don't say you have to like it but don't beat yourself up about it .Post here as often as you need to and talk about your feelings with your family and trusted friends if you can . Accepting a change in your life like this can be difficult , get all the help you can . I look forward to hearing how your doing my friend . Best of Luck , Mikel