How are you doing DANI??

      BUMP

Love

Oh my goodness you guys. Warm my heart to no end. How am I doing? ..Gosh.. where to start?

    Lets see... My sleep is becoming rather difficult. I am still averaging 3-4 hours per night. The hard part is that I am waking more times than I can count. The area between my shoulder that normally itches like crazy now has an intense "pull" sensation. Like something is pulling the area down to my lungs some how. My hips are sore of course... it is just the "flu" sensation that I normally feel when sitting / sleeping is more intense, lasting all day and has been going since last Wednesday. At first it was rather uncomfortable, but as the sleeplessness became more frequent the pain itself has become part of the "sleepless daze". It isn't quite so alarming now as it just feels exhausting. The swelling in my back is rather frustrating but there is little I can do. The rotation of my hips towards to rear seems to have slowed down, but of course what I can "see" is a far cry from what we see on an X-ray. I have been waking up to areas of my body being numb. My heel, outer part of my thigh, bottom, calf, right flank. The areas will stay numb for literally 2-3 days. When it happened the first few times I thought it was odd, but I never thought to mention it to my doctors. At this point, I think I have to mention it when I see them next. Should probably mention the "Ice sensations" in my neck and groin while I am at it.

     My vision is getting worse again. There are more "pepper" spots and the outer edges of everything is "cloudy". My synthetic lense is the one making everything look "Cloudy" and it does bother me somewhat. I cannot afford to see the surgeon. He already warned me that I needed my lenses aspirated. The tissue of my eyes are softening while the cells are stripping. He was/is concerned about my retina. I literally cannot afford for anything new to be wrong with my synthetic eye, my biggest fear of course is needing a new lens or more surgeries.

   Soon I have to see my specialists. I am dreading this because there was much debate over neurosurgeon vs. orthopedic surgeon. Neither of which I can afford to see. What exactly happens when you get to the point where you have no choice but to consult a surgeon and you cannot pay for the needed surgical help? I shudder at the thought. I seriously doubt that they are anything like the oral surgeon, technician and dentist who all charged me flat "cost of materials" for my full dental reconstruction. I seriously doubt any surgeon in the world would do the same for my spine. What will happen if I cannot pay and things continue to get worse at this same rate? *shiver*

     Oh and the most pressing money issue. We need to find a new house. ASAP. This one is being sold as an investment property. We have to be out of here as soon as we are able. My husband and I have no clue what to do. So far, I am back to making even the smallest things by hand. IE tortillas, breads, maintenance, mending, yard work. I became lazy over the last 3 months or so buying things retail instead of making because of the pain increases. My efforts have been able to save a little bit, but I will need to keep it up so we can move. It is just that even small things like making bread are hard on the back. My biggest fear is where we will go and what we can afford. My husband and I have long dreamed of a small track of land and a pre fabricated cabin deeper into the mountain. I have no time for such dreams just yet. I have to see how much I can save between now and February / March 2011. Then we will see what we can afford.

     My jewelry sales.. I did sell another set. 100.00. Not via the internet, this sale was a "special request". I was told a little bit about the mother of 4 and what her likes/interests where. I made a few sketches, we decided on the 5th sketch and it was sold before it was made. As far as the rest of "officially selling sets" I have everything ready. Many set made and ready to be sold. I gave myself a new deadline of October 30th. I hope it turns out okay. If not, then I really will kick myself this time!

     I see this is getting long.. but in all fairness you guys asked...

     Oh and time for Winter cleaning. I have to re decorate and re do everything to ready for Fall / Winter season. Everything is gone through. Bookshelves, pots and pans, toys, closets, clearing the property, donations. All of it. I started a few days ago on the girls rooms. I only have a few weeks left to get it done. It has to be done before the week of Halloween. Once Halloween is over (literally the very next day) I spend a few day decorating the house for Thanksgiving / Christmas and begin making candy. It takes me many weeks to make all the chocolate and I literally spend 5 to 10 hours per day making and freezing all manner of chocolates, candies and treats. It takes me about a month. Big group order for company Christmas party, both classrooms parties and staff of school. Smaller "sample" baskets to various neighbors / friends. Large family bags for 10-15 families. Large family bags for all the relatives in Florida about 5. This year I am going to let Tessa document the process. People are constantly amazed and many others are curious about the process. So, this year, I am going to give my daughter and husband cameras. Maybe I will include snap shot in the "greetings cards".

     The girls are doing great in school. They have their first report cards coming up and I am very proud of them. The one thing that is troubling right now is that neither of them want to continue ballet during school. They told me they are too tired. They want to spend Wednesday afternoons with mom. I do not feel like I should push them. They came to me with this and told me quite plainly they didn't want to continue during school. Soon chorus will start and if they feel the same about chorus, as they do ballet, then that is okay too. First it was Little Rose. We were in the car and she had said "I don't like ballet much more now." I thought it was an odd statement so I said you don't like it at all? She said "I just like school momma.". Later the next week Tess said she "Just like being home helping you on Wednesdays mom.". I asked about chorus and she "I don't know". So, I will just go with the flow and if they want to pick up their activities later in the year then that is fine. I just do not feel I should pressure them on this one. Though in all honesty I will greatly miss their Christmas performances in Chorus.. I hope they will want to pick it back up for the Fall season. But! If not, that is okay.

     Now that I have written a short novel.. I hope this has helped to answer how I am doing. I am tired. My body feels heavy, like I am weighed down by a wet blanket. Other than that, I am pressing forward and making the most of each day.

Lots of Love
     dani

     Thank you so much Mikel. I think of you often while I am filing pearls the last few days. I try hard to remain hopeful, it is just that these types of surgeries reach upwards of 200K +. I am not sure what I can do. I have done everything that has been asked of me to the very best of my ability. I am just plain out of options. Quite frankly the "genetic panel" broke us financially. 4,500 that the insurance company refuses to pay for. They decided that genetic panels are not needed to diagnose "Idiopathic". It is frustrating because I know there are at least 2 more tests my doctors would like to run to be absolutely sure, but the cost of each is 3,000 - 5,500.

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     Thanks so much Michael. I am not sure what a "biggreenegg" is but here is an easy one for every day use. The nice part is that when you are done, put it in refrigerator and the home made breads last 3 to 4 weeks. Let me know if you want tortilla recipe they last a month or more.

  2 & 1/4 cup Milk
  3 tablespoon Butter (Margarine okay too)
  5 & 3/4 - 6 & 1/4 cup Flour
  2 packages active Yeast
  2 tablespoon Sugar
  2 tablespoon  Salt

     Heat Milk and Butter. Mix 3 cups Flour, Yeast, Sugar, Salt and warmed Milk. Knead for a long time, slowly add in last of flour until is firm. Place dough ball in a greased bowl. Turn the ball around in it till ball is has thin layer of grease too. Sit it in a warm place to rise....bout an hour and half. Then cut it in half. Grease two bread pans, again turn once for thin layer of grease on bread too, let them rise again for an hour. Bake at 375 F for 10-15 mins then lower the heat to 350 F and cook for 30-45 mins.

**Tip, if bread is turning out too "hard" just take a long pan and add 2 - 3 cups of water and place it on rack below the bread in the oven.

p.s. you can add a cup of anything to this recipe. Can even add package of dry onion soup mix for Italian meals.

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   Gosh Suzanne. It is just that I do not have family. I have no one to go to for help. I have little ones. With my husband on 12 hr night shift he can't help either. I have to keep going. Most times I take my stool with me while I am cleaning or doing labor tasks. I have it sit a lot. Also, if things don't get done in the time slot, then they become a bigger problem the next day for me to do. It helps to have everything organized and easy to manage. I can do a little every day and still have things look nice.

     Yes, I do want to give up sometimes. I found myself crying away last week through my chores. It is a struggle. It is overwhelming at times. What can I do? I have no one to go to for help. It is what it is. My pain is going to continue to get worse. My spine is going to continue to progress and make mobility difficult at best. Loving and caring for my family makes everything feel a little bit better. Story time at the end of the day is like reaching the finish line of a long marathon.

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   Thanks Chart. I think what they are trying to push for is because something is happening with my blood flow. My spinal cord is being compromised. My mobility is being slowly stripped away. There just isn't anything I can do. I hear that these things are important. I know why they ask at the beginning of each visit if I have "lost bladder or bowel function yet"... I do "get it", I do understand it is important. It is just that I have no money for it. Even with my dental re construction, for example. Just the cost of materials took me 3 months to save up for. They all donated some materials, all facilities and time. The lab donated everything, even the shading specialists. Still it nearly broke us. I know I am getting really bad. I just don't have any option. They all know I do everything by hand. They say things like "soon you will have no choice" all I can think is *geeze lady I don't have any choice now, forget choice in the future* These doctors have so much at their disposal, but the cost is so tremendous that still people suffer daily because they cannot afford access to any of these resources. Its a shame.

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     Thanks Pam *hugg* I was so bummed out I had to miss most of chat night last week. It is my "get away" with people who "know". It is the one time, each week I can finally just be "me" and I do not have to worry about hiding any part of myself. I ran into my daughter principal the other day and when I went to leave after she introduced me to the new assistant principal I heard her sniffling. I look back and she was crying. I gave her another big hugg. ... All the struggles out in the world, all the obstacles just seem to melt away at chat night. I sure do hope I can make it this week. I need some "me time" in the worst way.

*warm hugg*
        dani