Not pain of the body just the heart..

So I had lots of pain yesterday and finally fell asleep on the couch. My husband was taking the kids to the eye dr. since he was off from work. Well we haven't been"close" at all lately all coming from his part. Anyways, I asked him if they were going to be late , so he yells at me "I don't even know why they woke you up." So I ask what his problem is..I'm getting ready to take our oldest son to go get a car so he has it for college and work and stops leaving me without a car throughout the week after i get home from work.Some how it leads to... He makes some other nasty comments about why he's not "close" to me, all my fault things. If you showered more or whatever.Ok, just to say I shower all the time..he works nights how would he know. So he's saying I smell? I mean what the H**L!! I am crying right now writing this. It hurts so bad. I feel unwanted,ignored, and disgusting So I lash back about some hussy he cheated on me with when we first dated and how riddled with infection she was. Then I went to far and told him maybe he was gay like his uncles. I have honestly thought that. I've suspected cheating but he is an open book. You could go through anything of his, call anytime, comes home when he's suppose to.
This is so immbarrassing saying it. Anyone who personally knows me, I couldn't tell this to. If he and i end up ok, they would constantly be thinking about what he said.
I have gone on this 17 day diet and lost 14 1/2 # in the last 17 days..today i start the 2nd 17 days. I went and had my hair done, including highlights(even though it killed my neck and back sitting in the chairs so long) all in hopes to spark something..now he says this. He's been gone for about 4 hours now and just called me to ask if I'm still mad and do i need anything from the store. All i could say was nope and hang up. What do i do. This is aggrivating my pain levels at this moment. Recently i suggested counseling and he said sure but our schedules are so off i haven't found a time to go. I hate this though. We have been together off and on since junior high school.I feel like I want this more than he does! I don't want my marriage to fall apart but i am lonely, sad, and in pain.Thanks Heather

Heather I gained a lot of weight from steroids and once off of them it took a good year to get them out of my system. Once that happened the weight came back off. May I ask why you are on steroids? Is it because of your RA?

Hope things calm down for you.

Hi Heather...

I only make it on here occasionally as I hardly have time/energy to breathe on most days... but your post caught my eye and tugged at my heart. I'm sorry for the things you are going through and how you are feeling. :(

The pressures of pain/illness, life, having a house full of kids - it's hard on any relationship. It doesn't make verbally hurting one another ok - but it happens, trust me...I could write a book on this.

Re: the weight gain - I, too, have had weight gain from steroids (been off of the for awhile now; just take on occasion for short bursts)... and, of course, 5000 kids. I just gained 75 pounds from having to eat a high protein diet w/ the twins - and I've lost about 50 of it. Anyway - point is - I think you are doing great.

Anyway, I wish I had more words to help - but I really just wanted to tell you that I can relate... I'd give you a hug, if I could :) Again - life, relationships, pain, etc are hard. Just take it day by day and do the best you can.

Know we all care... Hugs, --Tina

   Dear Heather,

    You know, it takes a lot to come and be open about such a personal part of you life. It couldn't have been easy. *warm hugg* I think on some level we can all relate. Lets face it, our bodies are changing. Our life is changing. Who we are on the inside is being shaken to our very cores. Shaken in ways that no one in this day and age should ever have to suffer through. But we do it. We live it. We are surviving the only way we know how.

     I think at times our loved ones feel as hopeless as we do. Powerless as we do. As angry as we are, that everything is being taken away.....   But somewhere, deep inside, we are all just scared of the future. Scared of what will happen next. Our loved ones are scared too. It isn't just us. Because of that deep fear, communication often begins to fail.

     So, what to do about it? First and foremost you MUST learn how to fight. There are ground rules. You will need to keep up the ground rules even when your husband does not. We all must lead by example. Change comes slowly. Change will never come until someone is brave enough to set change in motion. Especially when something has been done the same way over many years.

1. No disrespectful judgments.
This means no curse words. Not even supplemental curse words.

2. There is no "I" in "Team".
You absolutely cannot start out any sentence with "You never..." "You always..." "Your the one who...".
You MUST say "We need.." "We should change..."

3. No shouting. No yelling.
You will both break down the moment either of you feels threatened. If you cant talk in a somewhat normal tone then leave and try again at a later time.

4. ..speaking of times. No one likes being hit out of the blue.
Make an appointment. Designate a time to talk about uncomfortable things. This way you both know that it will be a hard conversation.

5. Write out your concerns and goal(s).
Think about what you are needing and wanting to change before the "talk". Write it down or go over it in your mind. You need the subject. The problem. So together you can reach solution(s) you can both agree on.

6. No reruns!
If the conversation is not going anywhere.... retreat from the conversation. Be sure he knows you will need to talk about it again later (next day). Usually with a clear head you can both come up with good ideas to try to solve the problem(s).

7. Hug once the conversation is done. Even if you decided to end the conversation to try again later with clear minds. The hard conversations are always very draining and it is important that you both come together once it is done.

Aaahhh...sexual fulfillment....  I am going to email you a link to a site that is Christian in nature but it has great tips and step by step guide on these vary aspects about marriage. If it isn't something you are interested in just delete it. Also, I don't know if you know this or not, but you can also receive valuable marriage counseling online too. You don't have to travel down to someone's office. You can do homework assignments from home and discussions from home. Of course marriage counseling can be done even with a combination of home and office settings too. You don't have to go strictly from an office setting.

      I really hope you are doing okay tonight. Be sure to rest when you can. Know you are in our hearts here!

*warm hugg*
  dani

Hi Mama6 thanks for directing me here and for sharing , i know where you are coming from even tho my Husband and i do have a Very Good relationship we have our bad days as all do his famous hurtful saying to me is "Don't help what can You do just go sit down" makes me feel more Useless we have been together 18yrs iv'e had RA Diagnosis for 17 so it's pretty much been the 3rd person in our relationship,he has been faithful and we do do most things together the RA has taken my "Closeness" from me we have not been "Close" for over 3 yrs first it was pain then heart then Disc prolapses  sometimes i look at him and wonder why he's still here but he just says there's more to marriage than that. don't get me wrong he's no saint he will still leave clothes all over the floor and his hobby is repairing push bikes so i have to dodge bicycle wheels in my living room. i try to do what i can but must admit some times will go 3 days without bath as just too sore by time i get in get Hubby to help get me out get dried - that's the hard bit by then i'm totaly exhausted then because i'm exhausted and in pain i have what i call a hot attack where i sweat, well waste of time having a bath wasn't it. and i too have gained weight with steroids and face has that round look i think Dr called it cushings and my eyes are puffy, real Beauty arn't i so i throw on sweat pants and fall into the couch.

        

BADDAY,
I'm glad you came here. As you can see it was just to much of my BLAH BLAH Blah to repeat to your post. It is hard I must admit for me to consider being "close" to my husband. A part of me(the pain and stiffness part) is semi-thankful he doesn't try. I think it's the lack of attempt that hurts me. It just makes me feel like..unwanted. I understand the useless part. My husband offers, since he is gone when i am home all week, to go to the store or whatever and if I say i'll go instead he just says: no, no you can't carry the stuff anyways, right?" Then other
times he acts like I'm she-woman. Heck the only reason i do all the heavy lifting at work and stuff is because i have to work. We can't afford anything else. It is so difficult all the way around to be a wife, mother, try to work, and stay attractive. It's so good that your husband helps you with all of those things, you are lucky in that respect.
Scarred,
Wow it was so brave of you to talk about what you have been through with your other marriages. I too think I expect to much. I expect life to just continue, after all i still work, and take care of the kids, the house, the cooking. By the end of the day I am wiped out but it has to be done. I wake every morning at 5:00 in continuos pain and stiffness and do it again. Much like all of you do. It is good when you find that support. Today my husband is in the kiss up mode but at least i know he know's it hurt me. It doesn't make it better. He did tell me it hurt him too with what I said. I knew it did, and felt bad after I said it. I guess just staying strong and trying to work through it, but it is hard to do. One hour at a time? Maybe?
Thanks for both of your support, Heather

Dani -- Thank you so very much for such wonderful advice!

Heather -- *hugs*  You are a beautiful and wonderful woman, and don't you forget that! I'm glad Dani posted such wonderful advice for not just you, but for all of us. I know alot of my married friends, with their hectic schedules, try to set a Date Night ... if the kids are young they shuffle them off to the Grandparents or hire a babysitter. It gives them a chance to rekindle some of that lost fire from the early courtship years. Dress up! Put on something that makes you feel sexy wear some of your favorite jewelry, get your hair and nails done. If for no other reason then to do it for yourself! I discovered pedicares when I was pregnant ... now I get them done once in awhile cause it's easier to let someone else trim and file (as well as paint) my toes for me. Even just lounging around in jammies there is something about painted toes that's just cute.

I'm sorry your having a rough patch with your husband, but there's been so many people giving such wonderful suggestions and advice. As everyone has said, CP is hard, not just on the person dealing with it, but it also affects those around us. My family used to be concerned about when I was moving out... now my Mother would rather have me here where she can be there for me when I'm having a bad day; and the bad days are starting to out number the good. My Ex-Husband said he understood what he was getting into when we got into our relationship, and eventually married, but it would appear it'd all been a lie. The first time my pain really became an issue there was no support or caring from him, only harsh words about how my pain interfered with his happiness. But folks are right, what's in the past has to stay there, and you /both/ have to let it go. Reliving that sort of hurt and pain doesn't promote healing and understanding.

I really hope the best for you. *hugs* Remember, you ARE beautiful!

Hi Heather, well this is my first post on this forum that you suggested. I saw your name so tried this thread first.

So sorry to hear about your troubles. You have been given some wonderful suggestions that I cannot improve on. Though married 34 years, we have had our fights in the past and did not follow those nice rules someone posted. The bad fights often deteriorated into really hurtful old stuff.

Too bad about the weight monster. I have been really overweight most of my married life, but the husband is not put off by it. Guess I am fortunage about that, but when I was younger, I was put off by it. The only thing I have successfully done to lose weight (I would be wealthy if I had a $1 for every pound I have lost and gained back over and over again!) is Weight Watchers. I do not go to meetings, just follow their point system.

Recently, with my increased pain issues, the husband tells me I am irritable or he will use the word "testy" . Well duh, "I am in pain!" I tell him and then he backs off.

I would be realing from the hurt things that your husband has said to you.  Hopefully he will go to counseling or talk things out with you without lashing out. Besides his weight problem, does he have things not going right for him also, like pain, job, health issues, finances? I think sometimes the spouse is easiest to lash out against, but is the person who should be our best friend and comforter!

 

Hi Heather, Oh I can relate to the constant asking if you are OK. I know he means well, but no I am not OK. Now my asthma has kicked up and I am fighting a constant cough. When I am exhausted with the few things that I do to get ready for bed, he thinks something is wrong because I am exhausted and a little breathless. I keep reminding him that this is my usual pattern now, not that I like it, but it happens every night and I am able to get my breath and relax after only a few minutes. I guess I have to keep reassuring him that I am ok since this is all relatively new for us.

I know I am lucky having my husband (Just dont feel lucky when he is having an off day and driving me nuts).

So glad you were able to talk. But I know what you mean about not knowing if he is sorry because he gets it or that you got so angry. Again, this was more common in our earlier years together, but when he would push me too much and I did get angry, then he wanted to apologize right away and have that make everything all better. I never realized I could hold on to something, but I can and did. It just did not go away (the hurtful things said) with a poof of an apology. I needed some time to see him in a good light again.

One day at a time I guess. Glad you are able to take it as it is now and be happy for his turnaround.