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Posted 10/20/2011 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
To start off...I'm not in going the best relationship. Married 18 years. 2 teen age kids. My husband is very possessive and jealous. And it seems as he is never happy. I do everything except work cuz lost my job last year he always going to his ' friends ' house. I thought he was cheating... Was able to look in his phone and found where he talking to his buddy telling him I'm so lazy. And they were discussing money and he said....ya all her medical and dental bills, I should have just let her suffer.... He knows I'm in so much pain but doesn't care!!! I can't take it any more...
Posted 10/20/2011 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hi I am Kathy/nini, I am so sorry about your situation.  I am not a certified marriage counceler, or for that matter any kind of official counceler.  But I am going to just give my input into your situation.

Ok, first I am assuming that you cant leave because you are financilly dependent on him.  If you have not already, please apply for SSI, in the mean time, there must be county and state help you can get at least for you to be able to become independent, money, a place to live, a place for your children to live.  This person is emotionally abusing you.  Your children are right there, this cannot be what you want for them.  I speak from experience on this, I know how difficult its going to be for you and your kids, but you have to find some help, this constand putting you down only serves to make him feel like he has power.

It will be a very difficult road ahead, but for your sake and the sake of the kids, please try to find some help, go to your county, state institutions where you can get help.  It is a long and difficult thing to do, but ask yourself, "do I want to spend the rest of my life like this, do I want this for my children".

I suppose I should mention counceling, if that is an option, please try this, but please dont allow yourself to be talked into the things he is telling his friends.  Your self esteem and that of your children is at stake here.

Good luck to you, please let me know how you are doing, please let me know if I can be of any help to you at all, as I said, I am not a counsler, but I have been down the road you are on, its rocky at best, you could get hurt.

Take care,

Kat

Posted 10/20/2011 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks kathy. I know I'm in a bad situation. I am terrified to leave. He has never hit me or anything but his temper is so bad.... His mom just passed away monday and I fear he will get worse. And I'm not exadurating when I say I do everything. I do...even if its 10:00 at night and he wants a bowl of cereal, I have to go get it for him.

I want to say something about the text to him, but he is soo good at twisting stuff.around.
I am just.scared and confused and fear there is no way out.

Thank for your words...
I can post more tomorrow morning while he sleeping cuz right now I'm typing on my phone in the bathroom.... (he has to know every little thing)
Donna
Posted 10/20/2011 5:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna,

Please understand that I'm sharing with you some ideas because I was in an abusive marriage also. But the experience of surviving and getting out has taught me so many things. I felt like a fool but it took me some time to realize that it wasn't me who was the fool...it was him.

My ex was also very jealous and tried to make up all kinds of things about me. I later found out that every time he would start in on a new lie it was because he was cheating...just like you suspected. I found out after the divorce that he'd been groping and propositioning every female he came in contact with...nearly. Mostly they were the moms of my children's friends. That part was very hard to learn.

Donna, trust your gut! I is rare when it will let you down. You don't have to find evidence of him cheating to leave...and yes, you can leave no matter what your financial situation is. There are a lot of organizations in your community who exist to help women in your situation.

He has literally turned you into a slave. I don't mean to hurt your feelings by saying that but he can get off his butt and get his own cereal if he wants some. It will take courage but there's a wonderful life waiting for you if you hold your head up high and walk. You are being treated with less respect than a dog. In my opinion you would be smart to get out before it does get worse. With his mom gone there's not much to stop him now.

And lastly...you and I both had to realize that we weren't loved, we were being used for a man's convenience. I wasn't put on this earth to be a slave to anyone, especially a husband who swore to love and honor his wife, and neither were you. My ex married because he wanted to use me to dodge the draft during the VietNam war time. He wanted a baby to make is status even less likely to be drafted. Love? Nope, I was used. I believed his lies and paid for it for 21 years. When I got out it was the best thing I ever did and the best day of my life. My kids and I were safe...finally.

Donna, if you don't know how to reach services who can help you start by calling the Crisis Center in your area. It's in any area. If you need to you can call them from a neighbors, from the grocery store or the bathroom. Anywhere you feel safe. Also, I believe Catholic Community Services is active across the country. You don't have to be a church member or Catholic to receive help. If others know of resources I hope they will list them on this thread. I don't want to see you, Donna, suffer even one more minute longer than you have to. You deserve so much more than that.

Warm hugs,
Chutz
Posted 10/20/2011 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna,

Well I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I think Kathy/Nini is absolutely right.  And I know you know that...but you just can't find a way to get the help you need.  I have also been in a similar situation many years ago in my previous marriage.  He was always gone...didn't even have his clothes at "our" house.  And he was always playing mind games with me...accusing ME of cheating or doing something evil...I was pregnant with our child and miserable.  He was even worse when our daughter was born.  I was so scared and felt all alone.  Well I finally got the nerve to get a lawyer that I could afford and he helped me through the divorce and getting some help for myself and baby daughter.  That was 27 years ago.  Anyway, enough about me...I just wanted to let you know that in the big scheme of things, you can have a happier life and things can and will get better.  But YOU have to be strong and get yourself out of this situation because it's not going to get any better...and it sounds like he won't get a lawyer because he has you to take care of him.

So you've got to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.  Don't worry about having the financial means to take care of yourself right now.  You can get on some public assistance...it may not be much, but you can survive on it, and also your kids.  Look in the phone book and start calling some family/divorce lawyers to find one that might work with you on paying them.  They can be a huge help in giving you the resources you need to make it on your own.  Of course, if you have a family member that you can temporarily move in with, that would be great, but I realize that is often not the case.  I didn't have anyone to live with.  I'm sorry to be rambling, but I just want you to know that things can certainly be better for you, but you just HAVE to get some help.  Vent all you need to right here, as we will be here to listen and give you support. 

Take care of yourself and be strong.  I hope things will get better for you soon....and I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Mysti

Posted 10/20/2011 11:36 AM (GMT 0)
Donna,

You don't have to live this way. What struck me hard was you saying you are scared and confused and there is no way out. There is always a way out. All of the things that Chutz, Mysti and Kathy have posted are great options. Also, check with your local assistance office where you may be able to apply for help with housing. Not all states are the same though. They can also be a great resource to places that are set up to help you find a home and get on your feet without him.

I was you 7 years ago. My ex cheated, and every time he found a new woman, the lies would start. I was lazy, even though I made the money and paid the bills, cleaned, cooked, etc. I was too fat, too needy, a drug addict, and I wasn't on any meds or street drugs. He had me convinced that my chronic pain issues were all in my head, that I was unworthy of anyone, and my purpose was to serve him. You are not a slave. You do not deserve this. Nothing you have done including your medical issues, means that you have to stay with him and suffer. Abuse is abuse, even if it hasn't gotten physical.

Do you have family near by? A good friend?

I am praying for you. I don't want to see you suffer in this way. You are so strong, Donna, to have survived through this while dealing with your pain and still serving him and doing everything you do. You shouldn't have to hide your posts on a forum designed to help you. He is checking everything because he is afraid you will leave, he knows he should treat you better and chooses not to. My ex husband will still to this day try to contact me and try to manipulate or use me for what he needs. We have been divorced for 5 years now.

You are so special Donna. You and your children should have so much better than him. It is hard to go through this, hard to leave, but harder to stay. I am sorry for the novel, but I worry about you being scared and used this way.
I am praying for you.

Mindy
Posted 10/20/2011 12:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna
I'm just gonna add my 2 cents for what's it's worth. I'm a man with a wife and 2 children and if there is any doubt left in you about what others have said, let me say that no real man treats his wife or any woman that way. Men ( and I used that term loosely) who treat woman like this give every decent man a bad name. Real men do not need to be belittle and use the woman their with. Please take the advice of others who have been there and seek help. I'll certainly be praying for you and family. Hang in there and stay strong. All the best.
Stingray
Posted 10/20/2011 1:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna, its me again, Kathy, please take the advice from all of the people who have responded to your post.  No one should live the way you do.  I dont know where you live, is there a shelter you can go to.  All of the shelters in my tri-state area take in you, your children.

Again, the one place I know of is called House of Ruth. I believe this is not just in the state I live in.  But no matter, find a shelter you and your children can go to, get out, its not going to get better and I think you know that.  I was so encouraged to see a mans (a real man) take on your situation.  This is exactly what is needed, not all of them are like your husband, in fact more men are real men than are not.

Honey, you read the papers, you know what goes on with domestic violence, these people never change.  For whatever reason, (and it does not matter what he says his reason is) this man is dangerous, you have to get you and your children out of this volitile situation.  This is so unhealthy for you in many ways.

Know that you are not alone, please get in touch with a shelter, a church, The Salvation Army, look in your phone book, there are phone numbers you can call to see how to get out, please for your and your childrens sake, get out and dont look back, he is not going to change.

Ok, I am done ranting, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but we are all worried about you, you can see that in the peoples response.

Good luck, my prayers are with you and your children, take care and Get Out,

Kathy

Posted 10/20/2011 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna I'm sorry you and your children are in this situation. My husband would tell you to get out as well. He gets really upset about women being treated the way you are. He's one of the best men in the world. Please take the advice of the others and get out. There are definitely ways to do so.

I wish you well. Please take all the strength you have, and go thru the phone book. You will find numbers in the front that will help you. I have seen them even though I wasn't looking for them.

love and hugs
Loretta
Posted 10/21/2011 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all your support!! I really appreciate it.
He is so mean... He looks at me and says... What's your problem....
I want to go off, but I can't.

He makes me feel so worthless. Can't do anything right. Always mad at me.. For no reason.
I do all the housework, laundry, cleaning, cooking, running errands, grocery shopping, running kids around and I still am lazy. Even when I worked 40+ hours a week I did it all...
He works on average about 20 hours a week.. Naps the rest of the time.. Every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night he goes to his "buddies" around 8pm and comes home around 1:30 am. Last Friday he didn't come home til 4:45am!!! He claims he fell asleep on friends couch... Ya right..

I will start looking into resources to help, but have a feeling this is gonna be a long process. I am terrified he will flip out so bad! Especially if I take my daughter..

Thanks again guys.
Donna
Posted 10/21/2011 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Donna

 

You know I have read your post and reread it and all the responses,  I honestly feel for you, no one, absolutely no one! should have to live in fear of their spouse!  You have gotten some excellent advice, please take it to heart, and do something soon!  Situations like yours never get better, and all to often they get much worse, some end in tradgy, so please, please please do not let it get to that point! Do it for you and your children!  The first steps are always the hardest, but there are allot of resourses out there available to you, that can not only offer you financial assistance but also a safe haven for you and your children. If your that afraid,  find a safe house and go away on the sly, stow away in the night,  and take your loved ones with you.......... What ever you need to do, to be safe!

You know many many many years ago when I was in the military and in photography, I used to have to go out and take pictures of spousal abuse, it sickened me then, and still does now! I have no use for men that abuse their spouse or children!  They are not men!  Animals maybe, but not men!  

I wish you well Donna, May Gods Peace be with you!

White Beard 

Posted 10/24/2011 2:54 AM (GMT 0)
HI Donna,I agree with everyone here ,its time for you to make a plan to leave !It took me 7yrs to leave my physical abusive husband ,he went to jail for beating me and dumb me went back ,he then become mentaly abusive ,played all kinds of head games,took other women out for dinner ,when Iwas at home cooking for him wondering why he was late.Trust me ,it only gets worse and you end up emotionaly messed up ,loss of self esteem ect,the longer you stay ,the more damaged you become.The kids learn this behavior is acceptable and can happen to them!You have to get out asap,Look into calling domestic violence help line in your area ,many can house you and kids ,till you get on your feet!With your medical problem ,you can't get better, living there.You will have to go to the courts and get arestraining order,lawyer can help with child custody.Please take care of yourself ,you'll feel so much better once your away from him. from Michele
Posted 10/29/2011 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Donna,

I am a married man and like Stingray, I worry about you and your children. I came from a "dysfunctional" home and my mother was brave enough to leave my father when separation and divorce were not socially accepted and that was with no work skills/experience and four kids!

Not only do I know you can do it, I believe you AND YOUR CHILDREN deserve it! I have so much more respect and love for my mother for daring to step out of an abusive relationship with four small children in tow. You owe it to your children to set an example like my Mother did for me. I have much more respect and faith for women, because of the example my Mom set for me and my siblings. I was only age 7 when my Mom decided to leave my father. I saw and heard just about all their fights and arguments before then and don't fool yourself into believing your children are not effected by the emotional abuse.

Also, emotional abuse is just one push away from being physical and from what you've described about your husband, I would not be shocked if he turned physical. You can't afford to wait it out! There is help out there for you. One resource that may or may not still be available (darn economy) is just a free phone call away... Simply call "211" or go online at www.211.org and if your state has the resources setup they can help you get out of hell.

2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more. PASS IT ON!!!!!!

Donna, take it one step at a time. You found a support group with all of us here who wish you well and we are praying you find your inner strength like my Mom and you ESCAPE from this alleged "man". Call "211" and don't take no for an answer...resources are tight, but this is one area that hopefully isn't suffering financially. Please understand you deserve to be happy and pain free and this includes your mental health. Also, once you make the physical move to leave, he will promise you the world to get you back in his control...ONCE YOU LEAVE...LEAVE, DON'T GO BACK!

I'm not an attorney, but its been my prior law enforcement work experience that marital property is jointly owned, so for example if the car is registered in either your name or both your names, you can take it and he would have to go to court to try and get it in any kind of settlement. I can't tell you how many times a husband or wife have called and reported that their separated spouse has stolen "their" car. Again, I am not a lawyer and each State has their own laws. As my Mother says, Pick your fights and always aim to win the war, not just a battle!

Donna, please keep in touch and be sure to give us updates. Let us know how you made out with the "211" phone number or the website, www.211.org". Finally, be sure to take care of your physical pain as well as our mental pain. Everyone on this blog site experience Chronic Pain in various degrees of hell!

Our prayers are with you and your children...

Charles
Posted 11/7/2011 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
dont put up with that. my worst pet pieve is a man taking advantage of a women or hitting her. ive been married 13yrs and have never even thought of hitting my wife. It is tough sometimes but no one deserves to b treated that way. im here if u need me
Posted 11/7/2011 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
And by the way i make sure my wifes dinner is ready for her and the house work is done. if i cannot work i can darn sure make sure she can rest when she gets home from work. since she is working two jobs to care for my son and myself. There are some bad guys out there and from reading your threads u r a great person and do not deserve any of this. It takes a real coward to treat a woman this way. i know its hard but you probably need to leave. go to your moms and if u r scared that he will hurt you go to the police for protection.
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