The pain of change

I think all of us who have been walking hand in hand with chronic pain for a time understand that our emotional state can affect our physical state, right? Trying to keep things as normal, low-key, and peaceful in our home has been my goal for some time. Depression can easily isolate me, and then anxiety creeps back into life and creates more issues like panic attacks. My sons now being home with me for public school online is nice, but I had to establish a new rhythm to the running of our house. We are slowly getting there.

The hardest emotional issue for me to work through with CP is acceptance of my illness, the changes I have to make to get anything done, and the changes it has inflicted on my body. It is almost like grieving a loss of myself, the person I used to be, and moving to accept the new changes gracefully. Then as soon as I think that acceptance is here and the roller coaster can level off, something new comes up or old things escalate and its back to square one on acceptance.

Right now my hardest hurdle is friendships. Many of my friends have married in the last few years and are now having babies. Since I crochet, I get asked to make hats, sweaters, booties, blankets and all manner of things for my friends who are expecting or family on my husband's side. It brings up my hurt over the hysterectomy that was to fix all my pain issues, but really just was the beginning of the uncontrollable downhill slide. I envy those mothers and fathers, and enjoy making something lasting for them to cherish. At the same time, it grieves me, because there will be no more babies for my husband and I, and even if there were, I would not be able to hold them long, or provide the care I think a mother should. Silly, I know, but just talking about it makes me feel better.

I guess the grief is not for losing my fertility, but for losing the abilities that I had that helped me raise my sons when they were younger. The grief for the changes in my body and life, and not knowing what is coming in the future.

Hope is still with me though, and in every blanket, bootie, hat, and silly piece of crochet I make for family and friends. I may not be able to do what I used to, but I still have purpose in what I do.

Thanks for listening to the pity party. I hope I don't offend anyone.
Mindy

Mindy

How true that we have to accept the way we are. The changes to our bodies when we age. was hard sometimes.
I had a hysterectomy 16 years ago and it brought me pain relief in my abdomen. But gone are the months of hormone shots, ultrasounds, basal body temoerature charts,and on demand performance which was hard.

Establishing a new rhythem in the house. That is what Im still working on. Getting closer.

Mindy take caare of yourself
Betsey

Cindy, you nailed that one, honestly saying it better than I could have. I teared up bc ive been there - through horrible pelvic pain (nagging, gnawing, unrelenting until you don't care if no more babies! "Just get it out" you tell yourself bc all u can focus on is acute pelvic pain
..like u are being stabbed in the belly! And no amount of pain pills or anti-inflamatories even touched that pain! So then u take the advice of the physician and find you only traded 1 disease for another! 5 yrs down the road & your worse-off than ever..& now another child is impossible (not that your healthy enough to raise another...but the choice was taken fro you! And replaced w THIS! I ask myself every single day "What did I do to deserve this agonizing pain every day of my life???! I mustve really made God angry at me! I CANNOT STAND TO SUFFER ANY LONGER! I look at normal mom's & think WHY?! I would give alot to be able to worry @ 10 lbs, a spill on my shirt, a missed workout (ha! Some days I cannot even walk!
Well..at least we all have each other! Hold your head high! Love, Ang

Hello Mindy and All,

Each of you have made some such incredible points. After loosing so many children, I was able to have my child 12 years ago and would have loved to have more, but it was not realistic for me. There would have been such a possibility (even if I were blessed with pregnancy without intervention) of my next child being seriously cognitively damaged. Again, we were blessed beyond compare to have the one (a natural conception) with amazing mental abilites and in my opinion, quite beautiful :)

For that reason, I am not unhappy when I know I wanted a larger family and that I must be happy with the one child I do have. Some of our memembers...and I can think of one in particular....were not so blessed and are terribly saddened everyday that the were denied motherhood (or fatherhood for that matter).

Anyway, I do not deny that emotions of sadness slip in once in a while, but the blessings I have are too great with the child I do have and I want to celebrate her life everyday! She understands her mother's pain and is emphatetic, unlike so many children today. She is a great help to me! I know most of you have given your children exactly the same thing I give mine.....love. It does not matter if you have one or 100, love is the greatest gift you can give....unconditional and unjudgmental love. Don't get me wrong, I am a mother who believes in teaching respect, empathy, dignity, kindess, responsibility, and the list goes on. I do punish for bad behavior and reward for good...though the reward most often is a hug or a kind word of pride in her.

Mindy, the "small things" you are making for others gives them a memory of when their blessed child was so tiny that it could actually wear such a gift. The child may not know who gave them these things later, but the parents always will and the items will most likely be passed along from generation to generation with so much love because they are hand made, even if there are flaws, they are part of the fabric and become loved and individual just like the child.

Please do not feel depressed that you are not giving the world more children, feel elated that you are giving the world memories that they can hold in their hands years from now when we are gone and our children are grown and perhaps their children are grown. You are giving something that remains and will be kept in memory boxes and will bring joy each and every time they are re-discovered.

For all the many others who posted such pain, I am deeply sorry for the pain you suffer. You are obviously loving women, who suffer very misunderstood pain. I do not have pelvic pain in the same way you do and for that I am grateful. I know there must be an answer, but I do not know what that answer is. It is a different kind of pain than the back pain that I suffer, but pain is pain! One is no greater nor is one less intense than the other. I wish there were something more I could say....

I wish everyone a pain free day today!

Mindy,

I wouldn't wish depression on anyone.... I'm such a mess w/ my emotions, it's ridiculous. My husband and I actually went and grabbed lunch today, after a meeting... and something we were talking about made the tears start streaming down my face. It didn't faze him - he's seen it all by now :) lol.

And you are right - our sons will hopefully marry wonderful women one day. Then the reality of that hits - that I might have 6 daughter-in-laws one day... YIKES!!

Love, Tina

Mindy,

Thanks for your thoughtful words :)

I had to laugh! Church is a major trigger for me, too.... be it the message from the pastor or a song or whatever... I'm the same way! It's also really hard for me to sit through a whole service w/ my back.

I'm a mess.... --Tina