How to make Husband understand

I'm new to this site and just from looking around think it maybe what I need. I have been through a lot in the last 9 years and at the end of my rope.

I was diagnosed 20 years ago with Fibromyalgia after having several surgeries that didn't resolve the pain issue. When I went for my initial appointment I had significant response to all of the pressure points they checked. Doctor was surprised I had suffered so long without much complaining. I truly believe that I have had this since I was in my early teens. I am use to being in pain all the time, it just got worse the older I got. I suffer from severe depression, post tramatic stress disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Failed Back Surgery Disorder, Arthritis, Drop Foot (no control of my right leg from the knee down), migraines, menopause and let's not forget Glaucoma. Did I mention I am only 46. I have had 4 back surgeries to date and live in constant pain.

I recently did a trial with a neurostimulator and had wonderful results and went for the permanent thing. That was 3 months ago and finding the pain relief isn't as good as the trial was but still better than what it was. I have been on so many different meds and dealt with all of the stuff like side effects, not working, wondering how to pay for it etc. Currently on Methadone and it seems to be helping and the side effects aren't as bad as say the Oxycontin.

Needless to say I deal with pain day in day out and it has effected my life so much. I no longer work because I never know from one day to the next how I am going o feel. Then there is all of the doctor's appointments, employers aren't very forgiving when you are taking time off continually for dr.'s appointments or you're having a bad day.

My biggest problem though is my husband. He just doesn't get it and after 9 years I don't know how to get it through to him. He refuses to go to doctor's appointments with me. My psychiatrist has been asking for 10 years for him to come in and talk with him and he hasn't done it and refuses to go ever. He doesn't understand why I am depressed. He thinks I should be happy as I don't have to work every day. I really like being home day in day out alone, no one to talk with, no social activities, no income or sense of being useful but hey he says I shouldn't be depressed.

I have had multiple surgeries that left me with restrictions afterwards. But he doesn't help out at all around the house. My last surgery the restrictions were for 3 months, no heavy lifting nothing over 5 pounds, no bending, lifting, twisting etc. usual restricitions after back surgery. Do you think he helped around the house, well I guess if you consider doing the floors twice in 3 months helping then he did. Or clean the bathroom at all in the 3 months. I am so frustrated with him. He doesn't understand my pain, he won't listen when I try to talk with him, he thinks I am whining or too high from the meds. I try to get him to talk with the doctors but that's a no go too.

I am stumped what to do next. Because I have been home for 3 years now, not working and it seems I spend more time with doctors than anyone else I have become isolated. What few friends I had have gone by the way side as I never seem to be well enough to go out, or they are frustrated with my husband and his attitude. My family all live out of town. So I feel isolated and alone and that no one really understands me or cares. He says I'm crazy and that I am making a big deal out of nothing but to me it is something. I've thought about leaving him, but I have no where to go, no one to help me, and if I leave I loose my benefits and with my meds running close to $3,000 a month that's an issue. (most of my drugs aren't covered by government programs).

I feel useless and he doesn't help make me feel better. I admit there are times I am suicidal because I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, things are getting worse instead of better. I know he is emotionally abusive but he says so what, that it's me that I am too sensitive. I've tried talking with his family but they don't want to get involved.

Am I going crazy, or am I being to sensitive, or are the meds messing me up? How do I get him to understand that my entire body hurts and it is usually most of the time. I try not to whine and complain, I gave up telling him what happened at the doctors because he doesn't listen or remember what I told him. As long as I get his meals, do his laundry, basically take care of him like a child and perform my wifely duties when he wants everything is fine according to him.

How do I go forward? How do I get him to understand what it is like living with pain 24 hours a day? or if he were to help me more maybe I wouldn't hurt so much? How do I get him to understand? I can't even say I love him anymore, I tolerate him but due to my issues packing up and leaving is just too difficult and no matter how many times I tell him to leave he won't. Any suggestions would be appreciated, is there anyone else who has no family support and how do you cope?

Post Edited (Amethystlover) : 5/10/2013 9:03:36 AM (GMT-6)

Welcome to HW. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. It's a shame that he won't go to the doctor with you, because I think that it would help if he agreed to go, so that the doctor could explain your limitations, and how difficult everything is. I'm not sure what to suggest though to get him to go with you...maybe writing him a heartfelt letter would help?

I bet you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall! It's frustrating when someone won't listen.

It's sad that he sees what you go through, but still won't be supportive or help. Would you be able to get a house cleaner? Angieslist is a wonderful place to find someone for a reasonable price. It's really worth it. They can do the heavy lifting cleaning--floors, vacuuming, etc.

I'm not sure what to say besides that. Maybe your husband is in denial. Maybe he hates it that you're in so much pain, so he just pretends that you're not? I wish I had advice. I would write him a letter, and I would keep trying to get through to him. He's your husband--in sickness, and in health--and he really should be by your side, supporting you, loving you, and caring for you when you need help, love, and support. I'm so sorry hon.

Wow...Im really sorry that you are going through all of that.

How do I go forward?---- You just keep walking. Hard as it may be, you may just have to gather your own strength and then hopefully through that, he will come through for you.

How do I get him to understand what it is like living with pain 24 hours a day? or if he were to help me more maybe I wouldn't hurt so much? -----You can NOT get him to understand your pain. In my experience, no person really understands chronic pain except people who have or are enduring it.

How do I get him to understand? I can't even say I love him anymore, I tolerate him but due to my issues packing up and leaving is just too difficult and no matter how many times I tell him to leave he won't. Any suggestions would be appreciated, is there anyone else who has no family support and how do you cope?---- DONT give up!!! Leaving him is not going to make your situation any better. You are really only upset with him ( from what I read ) for the fact he just doesnt get it --your pain-- If he wont help with the house chorse thats really sad but maybe your house just wont be perfect until your health improves a little. Think of yourself first and treat yourself softly. You are going through alot and pain only makes it worse. I hope that he can read some of the posts people will write that are themselves going through pain like you and maybe his attitude will change a bit. hugs toyou and your in my prayers.

Thanks for the encouragement and the advise about paragraphs. I tend to start typing and just keep going. Will make an extra effort on that.

As I said it's been 10 years and instead of him getting better, it's getting worse. He used to be concerned but not anymore or if he is I don't know it. In all of these years he has only ever called me from work, on break, on his way home (he travels an hour each way) once to see how I was. Even with surgery I have to find my own way there and home unless it can be arranged for when he is not at work. It seems he is more dedicated to his job than me. My last surgery I had to find my own ride there and home because he wouldn't take time off work. The hospital is an hour from my home,(10 minutes from where he works) so not an easy thing to do. I had to arrange for a friend to take me, and then afterwards when I got the okay to go home I had to find her, then wait for her to come and get me. My friend was great, but she wasn't impressed with him at all.

Money is tight and can't afford a cleaning person, I've already looked into it. I qualify for a local program due to my disabilities but because I am married they say my husband should be doing the work, if I'm single and disabled they will help. I've tried to look the other way with the housework but when there's mold growing in the tub and you have ring around the toilet bowl because it hasn't been cleaned in 3 months I just can't take it.

I always worry that because of the heavy work I end up doing after surgery and during recovery that it's my own fault that recovery takes longer or I don't get the relief the doctors expected. It's so hard now not to look at him and get angry. For years I told him I hurt but he never listened, then when it really got bad, I hoped maybe it would sink in but that didn't help. Even after I lost the use of my right leg from the knee down he didn't soften up.

I use a walker most of the time, but when we go out he doesn't help load or unload it out of the car. Tries to tell me I don't need it. The doctors have suggested a wheelchair but he explodes everytime I bring it up. Our insurance covers it so money isn't the issue. But the doctors thinking is if I use the wheelchair I would be able to go out more and not be so isolated in the house all the time as walking is so painful for me other than short trips in and out.

I'm in councilling and that helps some, but he refuses to go. He feels I am lying to the doctor and that he doesn't need to explain himself. I have accepted the fact I think anyways that this marriage is over. Time and Time again I've tried to lean on him for support, love and understanding but I get none. I feel alone most of the time and think if I'm going to feel this way I might as well be. At least I don't have to look after him anymore.

He has anger issues and I seem to get the brunt of it. He doesn't hit me but the verbal abuse can be as bad. My thinking can be slow, or I am forgetful but in his mind that makes me stupid and an idiot. I have tried writing a letter first time it was 4 pages long, he refused to read it. So I tried to condense it to one page but again he refused.

I have tried so many ways to have him listen but he continually blocks me out or tells me I am lying. I don't claim to be perfect and I am the first to admit I have faults but at least I try to work on it or admit when I screw up.

He repeatedly tells me it's my fault that I am too high from the meds and that I don't know what is going on. But for meds I am really not anything that gives me that "high" I am metadol (pill form of methadone), cymbalta, oxycontin ir's for break through pain, and then meds for high cholestrol, low thyroid, laxatives and a calcium supplement. That's it. Nothing there to really cause major issues. I find I get brain fog but that is caused by so many things, depression, menopause, fibro, dealing with pain day in day out, lack of sleep. I can't remember the last time I had 8 straight hours of sleep, I am always up and down throughout the night. Sleep for 2-3 hours up for an hour then sleep again. The doctor has offered me sleeping pills but I don't want to become dependant on them.

My mother wants me to pack up my car and come home, but she is so far from my specialists 3 hour drive, and there are none available in the local area. I have been checking with my own doctors about referals to that area. I wish I could get stabalized so I would only have to see them every 3-4 months but it doesn't ever seem to be working out that way. I talked with his mother today as I think he has his own psyhchiatriac issues and there is a family history of schizophrenia but she doesn't want to get involved. But made it very clear that he cannot go home if he leaves.

I tell this man everyday to leave, but he comes home every night expecting dinner to be on the table.

Does anyone know a website or reference material that I can print off for him that would put it in laymans terms on proven facts on the effect of constant pain on a person? especially long term? It's 8 years since my first back surgery but I lived in pain for years before that.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Hello Amethystlove!…and a very warm welcome to you! I have not read all the way through your lengthy post, but did read far enough to see that you suffer from Fibro. We have several members here on the chronic pain forum that also suffer from this, but I wanted to point out that HealingWell also has a wonderful Fibro forum as well. It might be helpful to you to introduce yourself there, and no matter which forum you prefer, you will find very warm and supportive members ready to listen and respond.

Again Welcome and Enjoy the forum!

SE

Hi Amethystlover

I wanted to pop in and welcome you to our cp forum. Gosh your story just breaks my heart. Not only are you suffering in constant physical pain but you have the added emotional pain from your breaking marriage adding more stress to your situation which in turn adds more pain. It does not sound like a very healthy situation for you to be in and it seems that you have really tried everything possible to try and get your husband to understand. Perhaps you are right in thinking that you would be better off living alone; something to seriously think about.

I'm really sorry this is all happening to you.

Please keep posting with us and let us know how you're doing. Everyone here really care and will support you.

Suzane

(Hugs) Amethyst. I'm so sorry things are such as they are for you. To be subjected to mental abuse is in some ways worse then physical. A black eye heals,a blow to our already compromised self esteem could leave lasting scars.

He could be acting out of fear or lack of understanding but his refusal to work with you to try to fix it is worrisome. I lived with a lot of the same for the 1st 4 years of my Cp journey. Then one day I just knew that I had to save myself if I had any hope of winning this battle with pain.

When I realized he was merely nothing but a excess baggage and I didnt need to carry the guilt he was forever dumping on me, I moved out and on and not one regret.

No one has the right to make me feel bad about myself and certainly has no right to degrade and judge me for seeking relief from my pain.

You will know when enough is enough and no matter how difficult your life alone may be would still be less demanding on you then what your living with now.

I wish you luck and remember mental abuse is still abuse and don't be afraid to ask for help. If you need help getting out please call the local Domestic Violence Hotline and speak to a counselor.

They have resources to help you if you need to go. They have landlord lists that will work with you,people to assist in actually getting your things packed and you relocated. So many resources your saying you need so you stay.

I wish you the best

Welcome to HW and I'm sorry for everything you're going through.

Was there a time when your marriage/relationship was good?

Was there a specific incident/time that started him down this path?

J ask because if so then maybe theres a way to steer things back in the right direction.

But if he's always kinda been this way and things have gotten progressively worse as your health declined then, he probably wont change, unfortunately.

HI Amelover, a warm welcome to you. Im sorry for your situation. If I had to bet on your hubby coming around, I would have to bet against it. He is mentally ill, truly, as bad as you are physically ill in so much pain, he is really really mentally ill. To have no feeling, i just cant understand it.

I have to ask, how long was your marriage good and what got yall together in the beginning? If you divorce, what state do you live and what are the laws there? I live in Texas, which is 50/50. Lawyers are so dang expensive.

I am so happy you found your way here. Can you go visit your mom for a couple of weeks for a break every month? Just a break can help. I look forward to hearing from you again......hugs..
Cathy

HI Amelover, Im just catching up on some new friends tonight and you are first. I have thought of you hoping for some pain relief and a kind heart from your husband. Miracles do happen,even if its only for an hour.

The last post from alsoinpain is loaded with good info. I think it would be best if he were to leave. The act of leaving you in your condition doesnt sound good in court. It sounds cold but facts are facts and its easier if you have a mind set already. There is no easy way to go thru this. I hope and pray that somehow he can wake up and smell the roses and finely get it.

Hon, you need help at home. I have a wonderful lady who comes in for 5 hours a week. She works like crazy, does all laundry, cleans kitchen, bathrooms, all vacumning and moping floors. She is 50 years old and some days her pain shoes shows in her face and I make her quit early and I pay her the same. I pay 10.00 an hour and she is worth every dollar. She has had surgery on her shoulder. I watch when she is favoring it. I know she needs the money and many weeks I call her for another days work. I hope you can find someone so good.

Pain is just exhausting, and depressing. I am trying so hard to stay is a good frame of mind. My first grandchild a boy,is being born in July. I am just excited out of my mind. I mean it girl friend. I am going to have to not be a pest at first. I had one son, and he is adopted. This baby feels like the baby I never got to have. I havent told anyone that and I suppose it is something wrong with that. Shhhh, quite, dont tell anyone...hehhehhehhehe.

I will be praying for you Amelover. I hope you can sleep good tonight...until later...Cathy....Oh yes, my grandsons name is Hunter, after my father, who my son just loved so much.