How often do you talk to your partner/family about your pain?

Hi Everyone

As I'm lying in the living room on our pull out sofa trying to control my pain I started to think should I talk to my husband about it or just keep it to myself? Right now my left leg is clenched to hell and what little muscle there is in the leg is tremorring up and down. I know if I tell my husband or ask him to grab me some meds his going to say I over did this morning with the dishes and it's my own fault (not exactly like that but same idea).

My husband is wonderful but has no idea what I'm going through (as I with he).

How often do you discuss your pain with your partner, particularly when it's bad. What is there response? Does anyone have suggestions of how to help him understand what I'm going through?

Shanny

sorry to hear about your pain, wish ya some speedy relive. well between my wifes pain and my troubles,
were talking about each others most everyday. some times it gets old hearing about it but just the
same were here for each other and do the best we can to help,assist and basically do what we can.

Thanks David. I really appreciate you perspective and personal story. It makes me realize that William and I need to communicate in a more efficient judgement free way!

Thanks Mark, you've reiterated the importance of sharing with my spouse.

Does anyone have a spouse that doesn't have daily or regular pain, that doesn't understand?

Hi Shanny, sorry to hear that you are having such a time right now. I have suffered with CP for so many, many years that it is rarely ever spoken of around here anymore. Even if I am having a tough time of things I keep it to myself. There is nothing he can do to fix it so there is no point in worrying him about things. If I say anything it will be along the lines of I am not feeling real good right now.

I hope things ease up for you soon....

Susie

This is a touchy subject with my wife and I generally don't say much. I'll mention something if she asks, or just excuse myself from dinner if I'm in too much pain.

Perhaps with a different partner, things would be different, but in my case, for her emotional well-being, I think it is best for me to keep much of it to myself.

I was a single Mom with 5 kids when this journey began and even though my children knew of my issues I pretty much kept the pain in my pocket. They simply didnt need to know the degree of my suffering added onto my daily struggles. Too much information for them I felt.

All grown now but one and we still just dont talk about it and that's my biggest reason I joined HW, we all need to voice the topic from time to time and this is the come to place for me.

My husband and I talk about how we feel daily. I try not to complain too too much, but I don't keep it inside when I'm really hurting. We take care of each other. We stay in our respective recliners, but we will both get up and get meds or water or something for the other when we are in a lot of pain. We too, have been married 44 years, so we understand each other very well.

I will say one thing, it is important, that when you are having a good day, with little pain, to mention that as well. It's important for the people who love us to hear that from those of us who suffer from daily chronic pain. I never quite understood that until my hubby mentioned it to me.

Have a low pain day, my friends and May God bless all of you!!

Lindaloo

Kinda in the same situation as Vickie..
No hubby
Grown kids who do not understand - cannot understand

HW has become a safe place to come.. home away from ho.e as it were

David.. betcha priest has been made aware of some one's CP. Maybe even personally. It is, after all, "invisible"

Would I constantly share my pain levels w/ a SO ?
I am not sure.. would ai want some one I love to 'feel' my pain or would I want to spare them?
On the other hand, since my 'moods' are often revolve around pain levels so how could the SO not take it personnaly unless he knew..

Like all things CP, from these responses, we are all different in our approaches to the question, and there is no right or wrong, just what is right for ourselves in our own circumstances. I found the differences to be interesting.

David
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Diane,

We have our share of disabled and crippled people in our church, as do most churches. In my case, I met privately with our priest a few weeks ago, and brought him up to date on my medical condition, and he was very open and empathetic to what I have been dealing with. As one would expect, to be honest.

David

I think it's very different for single parents like Diane and I. My kids were and always aware of my "limitations " days I didnt make ball games, after school functions, missed events weren't common because I pushed through those if at all possible. I was inpatient when my 23 yr old son had an All Stars baseball game and it was their final playoff and I actually called a cab and went AMA to attend and returned a few hours later. He had played T-ball since he was 4 and this was his final year to qualify for little league at 14 and his 3rd year as an all star pick. No way I was missing that. Great accomplishment for him and me as a single Mom!

I wanted each of them to be empathetic but didnt want to fill they're lives with pain and worry for me and my health. They knew enough hardship from my CP by the struggling to survive on SSDI and the losses of our house and things. They know I was absent for my surgeries but rarely did I stay inpatient.

They helped each other as well as helping me. They've all grown to be very caring and empathetic adults, job was well done even if it sometimes would have been easier to just sit down and give up.

Let's face it dumping your complaints to a three year holds pretty useless and trying to explain in 9 year old language "why " your hurting is out of the question and your teenagers would probably play you a little violin with their fingers! See my point?

So having HW has been as necessary to my treatment as any of my therapy or meds.

I have a little different take on it.

Hubby can tell when I'm not having a particularly sparkling day, and he tends to leave me alone. Primarily, I'm not the best to be around, and part of man's primal thinking is: What do you want me to DO about it? What CAN I do about it? How can I FIX it?

And if they cannot do any of those things, they feel pretty helpless, and actually burdened. I feel like I'm enough of a burden. He can tell when I'm rotating the ice packs, have all the TENS unit leads sticking out from my sweatshirt, or if I'm still in my jammies when he gets home,....it's pretty obvious and what am I going to actually SAY to him, verbally?

It isn't as if he can do anything, or fix anything. He always comes forward to ask me how I'm feeling (even though he knows) and asks if he can do anything (which we both know he can't). And for me, personally, (especially given how lonnnnng it took to get to that point), the very fact he's coming forward on his own to approach me and ask those things and offering of himself, is enough to help me out.

There are enough things I "cannot do"....I don't want to add on top of that by whining.

I come to HW to whine.



Merrida

Agree Vickie, HW rapidly became an important part of my treatment plan too.

David, the discussion you had with clergy was a good reminder about challenges that are not seen. Am sure He is always aware of others inner turmoil but other members of the church probably appreciated the acknowledgement & prayers.

IMHO, since chronic pain does not heal & go away it is different than say, a broken leg , & after months & years some others (without pain) hmm internally adjust how they view us.

Forget the intensity of the initial pain perhaps? For others, life goes on as usual for them. Looking back over my past I see that I should have paid more attention to others in need.

Like many here, I have a friend that I rarely see - she lives over an hour away.. we get together only once a year or so now. Members of our families have vacationed together both before & after my accident. And , though we talk every week, minimum, & she often asks for updates about my health, she is still surprised at my health issues when we are together.

That is one of my favourite parts of being married. I like that he knows what I'm thinking, I like that we can communicate without words, that we say the same things at the same times, that he can "read" me and I can "read" him.

Not only does it make for a smoother living, it deflects a lot of misunderstandings.

I also don't believe 50/50 anything. I believe in some areas it is 75/25, in some areas it could be 10/90, and sure in some areas 50/50. But the point is for a couple to achieve that balance, each providing their own strength where the other may not have it. Balance, balance, balance!


Merrida