Mammogram today, core biopsy tomorrow

When I read your posts, they make me cry.

But in a GOOD way.  It's helpful to hear of survivors, and to know that people I've never met are praying for me and have such positive thoughts to send my way.

Thank you Susie, you bring up some good points.  I do need to be vocal and not rely on him to do all the work of taking on asking the questions of the patient too.  I'm fortunate he's as supportive as he is, but you are so right.  This is a time for me to gather my thoughts.

Right now I feel somewhere between numb, and crying out of nowhere.  Like I'm in a dream.

I'll scoop up all the prayers and well wishes, and even the happy dance and at least do it in my head.

I can't really see what I'm typing because my eyes are leaking, but it's because you guys are the best friends anyone could ask for.  I really mean that.  Thanks for being there, all of you, -- especially now when I am so scared.

Love and hugs (and even happy dances of hope),

M.

I'm so sorry. My stomach dropped for you.

My mom is a breast cancer survivor-8yrs now. Scary time, but brought us together as a family.

You have a ton of support here.

Well, it's up to me to kick cancer's donkey then, right!?

That's the plan.

M.

PS:  No Dr. Google searching for me!

In fact, I'm not even going to check out the BC forum until after Friday when they do the MRI and talk about the lumpectomy and I get an idea of what Stage this is at and what's affected.

I'll admit it, I'm not strong enough to really check into this too much yet.  I want to just process what news I got today,...and when I have a better idea of the degree of what I'm dealing with, something substantial, then yep, I'll get on the forum, do my research, check out my options, all of that....

Right now, this is too fresh of a wound and I think it would feel like pouring salt on it.  It's too soon.  For me anyway.

That may not make sense, but,....that's where I am at the moment.

I guess I have to take baby steps.

Post Edited (Merrida) : 11/8/2013 7:30:53 PM (GMT-7)

Hey M! I won't even say that I know how you are feeling right now, because I don't. But I do understand those feelings of fear, numbness, and confusion that are probably going thru you at the moment. My fiance's church has a 'prayer chain' and I will have him call his Pastor to put you on it (if that's ok with you, of course).

Now, let's look at some good things. I know that they will be doing further testing, but it sounds as though there is a good chance that the mass they biopsied is the only one. The lumpectomy and maybe some follow-up radiation might be all you need. Also, it sounds as though you are receiving treatment from a very good facility - that is tremendously important. You also have a very supportive husband - vitally important! It sounds to me that you are in very good, capable hands. Another thing - if you haven't already, you should post on the BC board here at HW - there appears to be some really wonderful, knowledgeable folks over there.

You may or may not know that my fiance is going thru a health crisis right now (actually, it's been going on for quite awhile) - and I've learned a few things along his (our) journey. First, try your best not to 'over-worry' - that may not be a word, but it's fitting! It would be dumb of me to tell you not to worry at all because of course you are going to worry - you're human. I just mean don't drive yourself crazy worrying about stuff - it doesn't change a thing, it doesn't change the outcome, it doesn't make you feel any better - it's just a destructive feeling that will make you nuts, raise your blood pressure, and cause you to be miserable. It's times like these where the Serenity Prayer comes in handy. Say it out loud, say it often - and believe it! Another thing I've learned is to ask questions - lots of them. There is no such thing as a stupid question - only stupid answers (an old professor of mine used to tell us that - often!). And once you know exactly what you are dealing with, do lots of research (using reputable sources, NOT Wikipedia!). There is so much truth in the adage, "Knowledge is power".

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this - but please remember that you have every reason to feel hopeful and positive. Hold on to those feelings. Lean on those who care about, and love you. Stay strong, but allow yourself some tears every now and then - it's a healthy way to get out the cruddy feelings. Laugh every chance you get - it boosts your endorphins! And know that we are all here for you - night or day, someone is bound to be here - to support, to listen, to laugh, to help.

(I was still writing when you posted your last response! I totally understand wanting to wait before checking out the BC forum - I just wanted to mention it for when you are ready. )

Post Edited (Splashdancer) : 11/8/2013 7:45:54 PM (GMT-7)

It's interesting you mentioned the Serenity Prayer.

Tonight, after dark, I was walking my dog (just me, him, and my little flashlight) down the dead end road, onto the dirt road at the end, to the locked gates at the dock...and all the while, talking out loud to myself, saying the Serenity Prayer.

As we turned around to come home, I see a flashlight walking toward us (couldn't see the person, just the bobbing light)....turns out it's our neighbor who owns all that land on both sides of the private road, along the lake and dock, the old railroad tracks in both directions,....

We got to chatting, he recognized me (I guess my leg brace is a give-away and our dog is pretty recognizable).  He asked me if we wanted to walk on those trails in the back (mind you, again, they're all gated, locked, and there's 6 feet of chicken wire surrounding that back gate).

I told him absolutely!  And he said other than family, he only lets neighbors whom he has actually met in person have access to that private land, and he showed me this small path through the woods and over a brook and behind his house up a hill covered in slippery wet leaves (I say that because I'm surprised I didn't wipe out on my donkey)....(and if you don't know the path is there, you'd never find it).

The other way is to walk between cement barriers at the head of his driveway, cross the bridge over the stream, and walk a small sort of path like trail around three of his garages to a gate that's chained shut (we can walk through, just be sure to shut the gate).

I felt privileged he gave us permission to access his property where there are miles of trails for walking and a beautiful lake.

Then after I thought about it,....wait a sec.  So here's the owner of all this land, walking up to me and my dog and there I am mumbling to myself repeating the Serenity Prayer out loud over and over.  He had to either take a chance I was okay, or write me off as a nutball who talks to herself.

I'm glad I won that battle.  That prayer has been my mantra all day.  I need it to keep me focused.

M.

Wow, that was so nice of your neighbor! I have a feeling you will be taking quite a few walks down there - it sounds absolutely wonderful.....

The Serenity Prayer has been in my arsenal of 'sanity-keeping' tools throughout my fiance's illness (it's actually been my mantra for quite a few years!). It has helped me to stay focused and grounded during some pretty dark days this past year. I'm so glad to hear that it helps you also.

Have a peaceful evening, M......

Merrida, I'm sooo sorry to read the results :-(
*hugs*

Please know that we are here for you. You will get through this!
Keeping you in my thoughts!

UA

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today Merrida, I know you'll still be numb. Think positive, I'm sure you have every reason to be.

I'll be praying for a good outcome for you.

Love and ((((hugs))))

Jane

I don't think you'll ever be a nuisance. We know you here, you are part of the CP family and we are here for you. No one can imagine what you are going through and I think the period between now and Friday will be hard. The not knowing is the worst part. Once you know what you are dealing with, and have a plan, then you know the journey to getting well again has begun. Dealing with a dedicated breast centre must give you the optimum chance of getting the best, most up to date treatment and from what I've heard treatments are not necessarily quite so invasive as they once were.

Sounds like your hubby is amazing. Knowing you have him in your corner will give you courage. It's good he will be with you on Friday. You'll be given a lot of information which will probably overload your poor brain. I like what he's doing to keep your spirits up, you have to laugh. There's only so much crying you can do. I like the serenity prayer.

Enjoy your walks with your dog, and have a fun weekend with your hubby. It's bedtime for me, late afternoon for you I imagine, so have a good evening and take care honey. Off to the land of nod now........hopefully! Night night

Jane x

I haven't been sleeping for the past 3 nights.  I seem to function pretty well during the day, but I'm not getting any sleep.

You're right,  my mind races to all sorts of conclusions.  The options of so many scary outcomes.

And I still have four days before the MRI and consult for the lumpectomy.

Once again, time passes slow.  It's currently 3:30am as I write this.  I get up and down all night, so restless.

I wrote to my previous PCP (back in Maine, who treated me for almost 15 years before my PCP in MA got ahold of me), just to tell him, share with him.  We've stayed in light contact.  He reminded me the staging is the determining factor along with treatment plan,....sort of encouraging me to save my energy for that.

I seem to feel more fear at night, maybe because Hubby's been home all weekend and keeping me occupied and distracting me?

M.

Merrida,

I am heartbroken to read of your diagnosis. Please know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!

I do somewhat understand how you feel and the thoughts going through your head. I am a cancer survivor of Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. I was given a 30% chance of being cancer free for the rest of my life by going through a bone marrow transplant. After my first round of chemo, I was given a 50/50 chance of surviving the transplant itself as the first round of chemo damaged my heart. I went through the transplant and had several very close calls, but it is now 8 1/2 years later and I am currently cancer free. I still get tested once a year to check my blood levels and they are always low or borderline low, but they do remain stable.

There are so many what-if's that go through your mind right after your diagnosis. I was only given 24 hours after my diagnosis before the doctor put me in the hospital due to a nasty infection in my leg that was not responding to antibiotics. He said he would give me until Monday to decide on where to go for treatment and gave me information on 3 different facilities. Only one of them was in my state, the other 2 were in neighboring states. It turned out that 36 hours later, I still wasn't responding to IV antibiotics for the infection and he pushed me for a decision on where to go for treatment. I was transferred that same day and started chemo just 2 days later.

If you want someone to talk to, please feel free to email me. Make sure that you or your husband take plenty of notes during your doc's appointment because you will find that all the info gets jumbled up in your head and it is difficult to remember it all as well as the order of it. (I mean the recommended treatment order and steps to take).

You are probably still in shock over this diagnosis. It is hard to face it and the unknown. Remember, that until you find out the staging, there is nothing more that you can do. Try your best to occupy yourself with other things. For bedtime, try to do guided imagery or progressive relaxation. Focusing on those things will keep the what-if's out of your head and hopefully will help you get to sleep easier.

Hope this helps!
Trudy

Thanks everyone.  The surgeon's office just called, and wanted me to come in tomorrow morning for my bilateral MRI before we (Hubby's coming with me) go Friday for the surgical consult,...but I'm seeing my PCP in MA so I'm leaving tonight for MA and coming home tomorrow night.

The next appointment they had was in 7 days....6:45pm.

I know that MRI will provide further diagnostics and when I asked them today about the Stage, etc., she said (like everyone here told me already), that until the surgeon sees the MRI results and removes the mass, defines the borders, etc., they cannot give me any info on Stage progress yet.

So Friday I still have my appointment, Monday night I have my MRI, then we schedule the first surgery.

This is getting more real.

I didn't know BC was hormone related.  I have no family history of BC.  Could it be that I've been going through menopause for the past 3 years?  I've never take HRT but was wanting to, -- my docs kept refusing.  I guess now I'm pretty glad they did, right?  Or would that have made this BC less likely?

Thank you all for checking in with me.  My stomach is in knots, I'm not eating or sleeping....my anxiety levels are through the roof.

Checking in here with you guys is helping me get through each hour, each day....and I appreciate that so much.  Much love to all of you.

I haven't even told my Mother...just my Husband and you guys.

M.