Multiple Chronic PAIN Disorders!

I vented HERE exactly because I WAS TOLD this was the place I COULD VENT about MYSELF AND MY FRUSTRATIONS! Out in the the "real" world I hardly ever (you are processing that, Merrida, right? HARDLY EVER bring up the issue of myself when talking to my sister or brother-in-law, any of my cousins, any of my friends, etc. Perhaps that is difficult for you to fathom, due to you life experiences or personality, but I affirm to you, I am being carefully self-critical, and have honestly, mentally reviewed my manner of life, and relationships before responding, and telling this to you.
I learned when becoming a Believer in Jesus Christ I was to be a loving, "other-centered" person. I learned this in church and modeled and individually taught through wonderful male Christian mentors - long before I became so profoundly ill (first in church, then more deeply when in "Leadership" while in "InterVarsity Christian Fellowship," an intradenominational Christian group on most English-speaking campuses, then more academically through classes and required therapy sessions for my Master's Degree in Counseling). Except for my own Mother, who I KNOW really wants to know, even when asked by others how I am, I answer, "Well, It is well with my soul!" then smile (as that IS the over-riding TRUTH of my existence, even at my physical worst!!). If they pursue the questioning, or I perceive, through their visual body language, or the intonation within their voice, I will give the recent facts, and a short summary of my psychological and/or spiritual state. Of course I know that people must understand what I'm going through in order to be cognizant of my serious state of suffering. When I had to retire at 43 years old, from a job everyone knew I loved, I did tell my friends and family about my conditions, but then backed off, as any metacognizant individual would do.
So, I hope you reread your message, and consider you do not know my mode of learned behavior, or that basically I was not coming here for advice. I thought I was coming to a loving community, where I could do what I seldom do: wallow in self-pity a bit, and vent my emotional toxins... not get advice I began integrating into my life at age 8... March 10, 1975, precisely, when I was redeemed from the penalty of my sins by trusting Christ alone, the most lovely example of One who lived a selfless life I know, and strive to be more like, with a far, FAR, far way to go to be minutely closer in attitude within, or action out in my world. It is usually my first area of confession of failure in my evening prayers, Merrida. Nor did I come here to be given multiple homework assignments. I came here to have my deeply aching heart heard. But I see I did not come to the right place.

Greatly disappointed, :'( yet
Perhaps expecting too much,

EJD

Vickie,
I am deeply sorry for my abysmal behavior to others, and to you. I am wrong for ranting, and for not answering you or others. I'm in horrible pain, BUT THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR MY BEHAVIOR. Please, if you find it within, forgive my wrongs to you, personally. Thank you for giving it to me straight in the heart - we need that when asking far too much from others, and not contributing in return. I'm so sorry. I need to pray and ask God for His forgiveness, but at just reading your message, I had to respond.
Sincerely,
EJD

I hadn't seen my message as SINGULARLY SELF-CENTERED, UNKIND, and basically a CHILDISH TEMPER-TANTRUM... what it really was. I am the type of person who doesn't ask for help often, and, as is evident in both of my February 21st messages, do so at the point my world is boiling over. That is NO excuse; just a statement of fact. The frustration of living with constent, excruciating pain due to 22+ crushed spial nerve roots rose up, up, up and spilled over your precious helpers, insulting Merrida and your "other-centered work" hurting those trying to make progress. Vickie, you are right, and I admit I was/am absolutely wrong in my words and my attitude. I've spent much of this evening crying with the weight of remorse. I hate what I've become, when I look into the mirror. Not only have I made no progress from my first posting, I've become a far less tolerable man. I only make those who once loved me want to avoid me. You were so right to be appropriately harsh with me. I'm unworthy to take up any additional space here - on your site or on this planet. You were correct to point out my evil tendencies I was overlooking, using what has happened to me as my right to do it. I now know many individuals are going through similar physical pain and personal loss, yet do not act like I do. Thank you for your gracious statment with which you closed, "I hope you find what we have found here..." This is an expression of unparalleled empathy and unconditional mercy to this worm. I don't know how you can stand to talk to me. Far better if I'm in a place where I can no long do what the old saying states, "Hurting people hurt people." Again, I thank you for helping to open my eyes, Vicki. And an heartfelt, self-loathing for not taking any time to express my thanks for your individual help and attention you afforded me, back when I first logged on your site. I am so filled with disgust when I see how I was transferring to others what rightly should be directed at myself. You are so very right in pointing this out. I'm...I'm a poor excuse for a Christian.

Sincerely,
EJD

No EJD what you are is a person who lives with the constant overwhelming pain of CP!! We all live it, we all get fed up, we all just get plain mad about the unfairness of it all some days!!

There's not a single one of us old timers here that I can honestly say hasn't lost the war on avoiding anger, rants, and just down right, someone hear me!! Posts! I would be very afraid to look back at my early years here in 2006. I actually would most likely not recognize myself!!

The HW community taught me thru empathy, compassion and friendship that my anger would best serve me pushing for better care, advocating for answers not excuses about my pain and illnesses. Once I could do that and knew here in this place at least, they cared about even when I didn't care about me, I became a tool for others to learn from and lean on.

I wish that for you as well!! I wish for you to "feel good "about yourself too! Regardless of what family or friends say! No matter how much your hurt at the end of the day here you know someone's world's a little more tolerable, because of you.

I feel your passion in your spoken words of a job you loved, too bad not all educators have that! You not using that love of teaching no matter in what way seems such a great loss to our children.

Please give HW a chance to show you how to feel better?!

MrJNT,

It's your words that are a breath of fresh air to me. Above you can read my self-absorbed rant, as it's been rightly termed by a Moderator. It's embarrassing but there's the insides of me I hardly ever let out. I need to tone it down, or rather never pour forth what's in my heart of heart, as I did above.

I'm not sure where I thought I heard it, (my mind isn't what it used to be, either!) but I was under the impression this was a Christian faith-based site. Boy, was I wrong. My faith has been "tolerated" I was told. It will be impossible for me to discuss what I'm going through, as the spiritual component of me is central to who I am. I certainly love others of different faiths, and embrace those with no faith at all. But to not be allowed, or merely tolerated for my Christian worldview, shuts me right down, in terms of self expression. That must be hard for others to see?!

More importantly, may I ask about your chronic pain. Of course, answer only what you feel comfortable discussing. But I'm very interested in your current state of pain. What are the major points of your CP history? At this moment, you may freely pour onto me your current issues, fears and/or just talk, because you have a friendly ear in me.

Again, thank you for your gentleness and tender message. There is so much of the opposite out in the real world. I wept at reading your message (for all the best of reasons.) I want you to know how very helpful you are to others... like me! :D

Post Edited (EJD) : 2/25/2014 1:26:14 AM (GMT-7)

Vickie,

As I mentioned in my post in response to Josh's kind words to me, I wrongly thought this was a Christian faith-based sight. This was my mistake, as you've repeatedly made clear to me. I can still try to help others, without reference to myself, or my beliefs, can't I? Would you consider stating "faith in God" has been beneficial to ME, when asked to relate what has helped me deal with CP, to be "over the top?"

EJD

EJD you can post to Josh right here on this thread if you would like. Or if you want to start a new post directed to Josh, look to the left & click Post New Topic, type in a heading, hit enter & start typing.