3 more days

Wednesday I am having an anterior/posterior 2 level fusion w instrumentation, and possibly another laminectomy. This will be back surgery #2 for me. I am trying to get in a better frame of mind. I know how important it is for recovery. I am not feeling sorry for myself or on a pity pot at all. Severe depression and hopelessness has taken over. And it is both caused from pain. This IS by far the absolute worse pain I've ever experienced before. It is unbearable and never get relief, not even a little. Over a period of time, that does something to a person. Both hips feel as if they are in a vice grip of some sort. Both buttocks are hurting more than I can even find a word for. And of course lower back and groin pain. It is constant, never eases. I cannot sit, lay down or sleep comfortably. I am completely miserable. The pain level is so high, it brings me to tears everyday.
And I cannot imagine the pain from this surgery. I don't think I want to. I'm trying to prepare myself for this. I'm trying to find a better mindset. The only thing remotely positive I can think of about the surgery, is the morphine pain pump afterwards. My God, I wish I had it now. I am hopeful the surgery will be a success and recovery will go well. I will have to work hard. If I don't return to work by Sept 4, my short term disability ends, and I will be terminated from a job I've had 18 1/2 years. That is 12 weeks away. I must get better and get back to work.
I will be in the hospital 2-3 days. I will miss my kids so much. They are my life. My son is 16. My daughter is 9. I'm pretty certain I will be seeing them everyday, but it isn't the same. Plus, I don't want them seeing me in that much pain. They both get upset when I can barely walk or pain brings me to tears. It's one of those catch 22 things, for sure.
Thank you for letting me vent. As you can see, my mind is all over the place. I can't stand that!!! I need to get a better frame of mind and find a focus. This is all about to drive me nuts!!!

I want to send my prayers as well.
You really don't have a lot of recovery time for yourself...You'll need to tell your kids, they probably already see and know your in pain and it can effect them, you might not want them to know, but they probably do know and can see it. it's amazing what our kids can pick up on. Please talk to them, they are smarter than the credit you give them, by not talking to them about this and your pain you take something away from them, called coping stills...this is a great lesson in teaching them coping skills and they probably can aid you in your recovery. Talk to them...
Breaks my heart when parents don't give their kids credit that they do not know what is going on, but they do know they do pick up on these things and talking with them will help them and help you...
They'll surprise you with what they already know....

Good luck with your surgery. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

hugs
Loretta

Ann I can definitely empathize with you! The lower back pain and the (I call it the pinching the butt pain) and the running down the leg pain, it gnaws at your soul and your very being! Sleep in impossible, and yet you feel like a zombie because your so tired!   I was weaned off of all my pain meds over a month ago, and I can totally relate to what you are describing! I hope your surgery goes well, I am sure that they will give you adequate pain relief while your in the hospital, or shall I say I hope they will!!!

Ann I had my trial injection for the pain pump on the 12th of May, I am going to have the surgery to get it implanted this Tuesday, the 10th. it will be injecting morphine into my lower spinal canal.  I do have high hopes for it! I hope that if you still need one after your surgery, that you will not have to wait to long to get it!

Let me know if I can be of any help to you, I will keep you in my prayers, I know how hard this is for you, but know that everyone here at Healing Well is supporting you! Your still apart of our CP family!

White Beard

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are having now. I will pray that the surgery is a complete success and that your pain is well controlled in the hospital-enough to enjoy a visit with your children and to give you hope that the future will be better for you after the recovery. I know you will follow orders and work very hard toward that recovery. May it come quickly!

Prayers for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery and most of all relief from the pain.

Don't rush things post-op as it's very important to go slow and the success of the fusion depends on it.

Take a deep breath and try to relax and remember it is what it is and worrying isn't going to change it.

Be good to yourself today!

Merida, those feelings you described are a lot of what I am feeling. And there are many of you and people all over the world who have had more extensive surgeries than this and experienced far more pain. I am scared. But I know I will have the morphine pain pump after surgery. I remember crying when they unhooked it with my last back surgery and begging them to put it back, which they didn't. I think what scares me the most is that I won't be able to get back to work by my deadline. I am a peds nurse in a clinic. And I will have to go back full duty, not light duty. I MUST return before or on Sept. 4 or I will be terminated. I LOVE my job and I miss it everyday. That gives me 12 weeks to recover. The dr said I should be back to work in 6-8 weeks. I heard the same thing last time. I was out 4 months. Yesterday I told myself to use it and my children as my goal, and not to be afraid. It hasn't happened. And I will work hard to get back to work. But if I don't, then I am still going to be alive. Losing my job after 18 1/2 years will be devastating. But I keep trying to redirect myself back to NOW.
Yesterday I went shopping and bought all the unhealthy, quick, easy things my son can prepare. I was disgusted my kids were happy. Hot pockets, corn dogs, pot pies,pizza....just junk. I know we don't need to be eating like that. But I don't think I am going to have anyone here with us. And for now it will have to work.
My daughter is always such a happy little thing. She always makes me smile, sometimes that's even through the tears. I have unknowingly unintentionally babied her. I do far to much for her, things she should have been doing for herself a long time ago. Anyway I explained to her again that she and my son need to be team players, on the same team and do together all the things mommy has been doing. I explained it wasn't right for my son to do it all by himself and that she will help. I MADE her clean the kitchen after I cooked last pm. She did it!! Now she had a big meltdown before, but she did it. That was huge milestone for us. I also explained that she doesn't have a choice of not wanting to. If she can't or won't, then she can go to her dads for my recovery. I explained it certainly wasn't bc I don't want her here. But these are new house rules and they must be followed, even when you don't want to. She will be going to her dad's tomorrow evening. And she will be there until it's ok to come home. I don't think she needs to be here the first couple days I'm home.
I'm on Norco now. That is like nothing at all. I will be getting a new PM dr when I need to. I called her and said I needed more Percocet. The last she wrote were #75 and to be taken 3 or 4 a day. She never allowed enough for the 4 a day and she knew that's what I was doing. She said NO to the Percocet, just asked for enough to make it till surgery. She said she would call in Tramodol. I was like REALLY????? I called my surgeon, explained the situation. Although he also didn't do the Percocet, he did call in Norco. That is better than Tramodol , but it isn't touching my pain. I did have a few Opana left and I took them when it got too bad. After surgery I am supposed to take OxyContin and Percocet.
A friend I haven't seen in prob 30 years invited me for a pedi this afternoon, her treat. I can't have colored polish, but clear is ok. That is so sweet and such a thoughtful thing to do. It's rainy here, which means higher pain levels. I've tried to talk myself out of going. But I am going. A pedi is wonderful. I can't afford to get them often. And I am super excited to see her again after all these years.
I need to hush now. I'm sorry for going on and on... Thank you all again so much for the support and caring. It means everything to me.

I truly wish I could give each of you a hug. You all are awesome!! It is so wonderful to be back. It's like a big family. So much understanding bc so many can relate.