Surgery/pain's negative impact on marriage...

I personally can say Yes a whole lot of that is the meds,the not having meds,the side effects of both of those things have visited me in journey. Yes it is extremely hard to get off of them once you have been higher doses and the ramifications are almost too much,the feeling like you have been run over,the creepies and hibby jibbies,restless leg,the depression and hopelessness all stem from the withdrawls of opiates and we know all it takes to make it better is to take another one and it is a vicious cycle because even when pain is low and life is good its hard to get past the physical and psychological cravings but when life isnt good and your an emotional train wreck anyway for other reasons then its almost too much to deal with.

The side effects of the meds even when we are on them are difficult on a relationship and add pain on top of it then you find yourself isolating,leaving out your significant other,not wanting and even being able to tolerate touch or closeness and many of the meds cause loss of sexual desire and impotence and once you have put those kinds of walls up they are not easy to take down and talking it out becomes difficult so you dont.

There is NO shame in asking for help getting the rest the way off and no one is going to view that as an addiction issue. Being dependent on opiates is no different then being addicted when it comes to the physical need that your body builds,the psych part is however very different. Ask your Dr for help in the way of clonidine or bupernorphine,suboxone and make sure he knows how to take you down properly,many do not and if he doesnt ask him to call the local detox and ask them for the proper titration or use painpartners.orgs conversion chart. You have to get the oxy out of your hands and something to help get past that craving your body is going to have.

Ask your husband to give you a few week to work on you and then please allow you to work on your marriage when your in a better place. There also is no shame in asking for help with depression and marital issues and if he is willing to go some way your willing to go more and find a good therapist whom specializes in chronic pain because they are also going to know exactly how these issues came about and how to set you back on the right path.

Im glad to see your surgery seems to have been a success and your clearly back on the road to recovery and now get back to the living and I wish you luck and prayers.

Hi poplargrove Yes that posterior approach is really a "BEAR!" so I do empathize with you! You know Depression is the companion with Chronic Pain, so being depressed is not uncommon, and if it is really bad your doctor can give you something to help control it. Also are you taking the break through oxycodone for pain or just to keep the withdrawal symptoms at bay? If your still having some pain, taking one or two 5mg Oxycodone a day is not all that much, admittedly this stuff is very difficult to wean off of! I had to do it to get my pain pump implanted, so I do understand. But if you have been off the Oxycontin for a month then you do have the hardest part done!

poplargrove, chronic pain can really take its toll on a marriage, especially if there are other issues going on besides! I would strongly urge you both to seek marriage counseling as soon as possible! There is no guarantee that it will save your marriage, but it is a start in the right direction! Take it from one that knows, Over ten years of chronic pain affecting a marriage can take its toll and for me, it was a strong contributing factor in destroying it. But beware both of you need to go to it, marriage counseling for just one partner is far less than ideal! It takes two to make a marriage work! And it is an extremely rare case where just one person is responsible for the demise of a marriage! If it takes two to make a marriage it usually also takes two to destroy it! So just don't be the martyr and take all the responsibility for problems in your marriage, remember he took you as his wife in sickness and in health! And when your not feeling up to par, you cannot always be the perfect wife! That also applies to husbands too! But try to keep open the lines of communication, if silence replaces communications then your heading in a very dangerous direction! Get Help! Both of YOU!

I do wish you well poplargrove, and remember your not alone in this! We are all here for you!

White Beard

I'm in the same place, and each time I feel a little bit of hope for my marriage it seems to disappear as I develop it. It sucks.

My husband thinks I can just "decide" to be happy. He does not understand depression. I mean, if I actually COULD do that, why would I not have done it already? It's not like I enjoy being depressed, feeling like I'm at the bottom of a pit there is no way to climb out of. He truly does not believe me that I can't just wave a magic wand and make it go away.

So (((hugs)) I understand.

PG, what about counseling? My husband has said he doesn't want to do it. But my sister and her husband do it and they love it because it gives them a safe place to talk about their issues and having a neutral facilitator helps too.

Hello dear one,
I'm just so sorry for what you are dealing with. The pain is bad enough without all this added stress. You are in my prayers.

So you hosted the baby shower! What an accomplishment. That baby will certainly add some wonderful excitement to your life.

I didn't get to start PT until 3 months post op either-and then with great warnings to the PT not to hurt me. I've had a very good one.

Keep in touch. Let us know how you are and vent all you want here. This is a great group of people who care.

poplargrove I can empathize with just about everything that you have said! I will tell you though, it is really easy for resentment and silence to take over a marriage when you have a situation such as yours. And it can happen for both of you, but for different reasons, and it can make for a very unstable situation. I have been through it, so I know! Honestly I don't know how you can make a spouse, understand exactly what your going through? I couldn't! But I do know that without at least trying you never will!

For me I never did feel I could get my spouse to understand my pain, or to even go to marriage counseling. And after close to a year of going by myself, something my counselor said to me early on, finally took hold, or sunk in! "You are only responsible for your own happiness! You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness and no one else is responsible for yours! If you are not happy in your situation, then it is up to you to change your situation to where you are happy or stay in your situation and accept your unhappiness!

I had been unhappy for a very very long time, and as I said before it takes two to make a marriage, and it takes to destroy a marriage, and also tkes two to repair it!!! With all that said, I finally had had enough! I pulled myself up by my boot straps, and made my decision! It was the hardest decision I had ever made! One I wish I would not have had to make! But I did, and I have no regrets!! It just, is what it is! I had been married for over 35 years, so it wasn't a decision that I took lightly, nor was it easy to do! I just looked at it this way, if I was going to have to live alone then I might as well be alone doing it! I do encourage anyone reading this to do everything possible to avoid getting in this type of situation to begin with! I know you really cannot make your spouse or partner feel or even understand your pain, or to participate in actively mending or repairing a troubled marriage, but it can not hurt to try! In the end though, it is up to you to do what you feel you have to do!

No easy answers here, but maybe experiences of others like myself, can provide some wisdom and insight and be of some help.

I do wish you and everyone in this type of situation all the best!

White Beard

I have chosen not to date or have any type of relationship. It is awful when your significant other does not understand your situation. They often think it is all in your head or become an enabler.

I understand your desire to stop the Oxy or Opiates but you may be moving way to fast. Pushing yourself for 4 hours and then dropping is natures way of saying slow down. Instead of 20 Mgs, wean off going lower over a period of time. You do not mention how long you have been on pain killers so it is hard to estimate your rule of thumb. With alcoholics for every year they drink it is expected to take one month to stop the cravings. (10 Years = 10 Months)

My guess is it is about the same for us opiate takers.

Not sure but why the separate bed and that could be a whole other issue. I do know when my firs wife died I really missed having her next to me in bed. From what I have heard from divorces from other guys they missed that too. It wasn't a sex thing it is more like a teddy bear thing.

Good lick and you can remind your spouse that divorce is always lousy for both parties.

Unless he is abusive or fooling around. A little sex can really be great.