Dunno who remembers me...

Hi all.

I'm not sure who remembers me, but I see some names that I remember when I last got on a computer back in 2012. See, I lost my job that LOVED at that time because my boss told me I "have too many health and personality issues to be an asset to the library". See, I stressed b/c I wasn't part of the circle of women at my job who acted like middle school Mean Girl cliques even though they were anywhere from 30s-60s of age. I was too nice to the patrons, caused too much of a line where I checked patrons out since people would move INTO my line to avoid others. That threw me into a pretty bad depression folks.

Still, this has been my hardest year. See, I took care of my mom, got on disability which took me about 2 and a half years. But okay. fine. I get $310 since I'm married. I worked for years full time for my uncle for years...but that was as an independent contractor so that's my worth. So what. I'm so lucky to have my husband still and yeah, I still love him to death. We got 2 dogs in that time, moved 3 times since 2012. But see I lost my mom in May of 2014. Yeah she'd been sick as hell for over 10 years but my gods but it was sudden. I hadn't been able to go to the hospital much when she had to go b/c my immune system's been only ever so so. So, I took care of my mom and myself during the days. Then my dad got home from work and I would go home or help make dinner. For the last year, my sister started helping out finally. Course my mom was more stressed out from her then most anything but I won't go there now. Followed up with tearing the hell out of my left shoulder doing nothing at all. October 12th, it just started hurting and I mean HURTing. And since I'm already on strong pain meds I couldn't figure it out. I didn't overstretch myself or even nothing. And then the absolute JOY of going to ERs crying because I'd already spent days using the hell out of 3 TENS units I bought thinking its just a pulled muscle. Nope, tore about 2 inches at the front rotator and across the back muscles and ligiments and tendons. I mean, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, but yep, tore it standing still in the middle of the day doing nothing. And then going to ERs and having nurses and doctors look at you and say "you're already on pain meds, you shouldn't be in THIS much pain." Not a single Doc in those ERs listened when I said it wasn't a myalgia. It hurt so badly I thought I threw a disc in my cervical spine. But nope...they don't do MRIs in the ER unless its a possible stroke. So, I kept just going to the ER cause my pain doc said if I reached the point where I can't stop from crying and have to fight off screaming then I should've gone hours earlier. it still hurts a lot of the time.

So, that's been the year and I suppose years. I fought doing the stronger pain killers and yet, my life became easier in some ways after I gave in. But what's killing me, is my GI told me he's never seen me fight not to cry cause of hopelessness and depression. How sad is that? The GI is not the guy to really notice emotional issues. He knows I know that my stupid body is a battleground and I'm so tired of always doing what I'm supposed to and still considering suicide after it all. Mainly since I'm doing everything the docs say I'm supposed too and I hate that I can't do anything or sleep next to my husband cause I still can't stand to lay on my shoulder. Or going to an Ortho doc and getting lectured about taking pain killers fore the Crohns and Fibro. Oh and for being on steroids since they gave them to me in the ER. The sweet rage @ all those nurses and docs who saw me crying about my shoulder and assumed I must simply be "drug seeking". And then feeling like a failure as a wife and a daughter and a sister...friend...whatever. See, my dad doesn't talk to me b/c I'm just like my mom in personality. There I am, the youngest of his 3 kids and I took care of going to do all the funeral stuff while my sister and brother dealt with their pain of our mom's loss with nerve pills for her and pot for him. But I still went and did everything. And I'm failing my mom. I promised her I'd take care of everything and instead, I got sicker and angrier while my sister found a guy and fell in love and my bro has basically built up 2 cars for him and his oldest son. Meanwhile, my dad doesn't talk to me cause I'm like her. So its like I lost them both even though he's "better" since he got back on prozac. But at least he's answering people when they talk to him now so hurray for prozac, oh so very seriously.

And instead, I have my doctors tell me I'm depressed but there isn't a single shrink taking new patients anywhere and I mean ANYWHERE where I am. Ahhh, screw it.

My husband had put this computer together for me...for my Xmas gift and it's built for me to use against the tv with wireless mouse and keyboard. He gave it to me on Monday...a lil late but it's all good there. I'm lucky there. I love him and he loves me and we love our 2 coton de Tulear dogs. Neither are fixed and this year we considered breeding them...yes, I suffered about 2 years of dogs in heat by separating them in apartments. Chancy's like a lil emotional barometer. I know I could get him trained as a service dog for emotional issues...easy. He's a super smart and super sweet natured animal which everyone has told me. Mostly I hear, "That is the sweetest baby...." about him. While my girl dog is a real B in temperment and such. Snotty and she's my husband's "Daddy's Lil Girl" in the dog sense. She curls up like a baby for him and no one else. She's smart but she's a pouty lil thing when she doesn't get her way.Unlike my boy dog who puts himself in the kennel if he does something wrong that I haven't even found out about yet.

And that's me. yip..

So very sorry on the loss of your Mother, you have my prayers and sympathies...Don't ever feel like a failure you did good for your mom, You are very good...Do even think your not...You are taking care of things, now it's time for your family to grow up and act like adults and you need to tell them that...You can only do so much, so don't blame yourself in any way!
Many well wishes...

Ah ha. Antidepressants.

Well, last time I mentioned I was depressed to my PCP, he asked if I was taking the Cymbalta they put me on for the Fibro. Which I do take every blasted night. He said it shouldn't be possible. Really, that doc should KNOW better. I tried to commit suicide my senior year of high school. I got better while doing the NASTIEST concoction alive, smells like rotten eggs and you have to drink it....something like mucaMIST or somesuch. Caused some long term damage to my liver which healed. Got help last time I was depressed since I was at college. For over a year of twice weekly talk therapy wherein I KNOW when I need to mention I NEED help which is part of why Lito (beloved Husband) set me up with a computer I can work on the TV (last part was just him being funny I think). When I was sick for the first time, I was put on ice chips and prozac while I was in the 2nd hospital after surgery 1.

It's just hard. I think I have it harder b/c of feeling awful 25 days out of 30. I know I'm lucky to have Lito. about 4 years ago we got some dogs which helps. My older pup Chancy, loves to kiss my tears and he's such a smart fellow. Everyone says it when they meet him that he's a sweetheart. He really is. He comes and spends time with me when I'm feeling especially low. Then there's Joie (yes she's my SN although I used it for myself first) who sits at the top of my head when I nap or at my feet while I sleep.

I know I'm lucky. But I'm also so so so tired. I mean hell, I do EVERYTHING I'm supposed to and I STILL end up sick and/or hurt. As I said, it's kinda sad when my GI tells me it's the first he's seen me so depressed. Sadly, most of the shrinks nearby within an hour drive, are not taking patients. Even the hospitals aren't taking patients right now.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

I FEAR the addiction of the pain meds although I won't lie and say my Crohns has been better controlled since I started OxyContin. The way my Crohns manifested created a situation where I had to go anywhere from 12-30 times a day which causes so much fatigue. It's like continually having the flu.

My aunt OD'd on Methodone and so, whenever my pain doc has mentioned it, I throw up brakes. Even when I tore my shoulder I said no even though that meant I still had to hit the ER on especially cold nights. So, I don't wanna end up like her.

Thanks. I just don't know how to face all the coming years and decades of sadness without my mother. It sounds so juvenile but my mom was the center of our family including my aunts and uncles ever since my grandmother died when I was a Freshman in high school. The world revolved around her and even though she'd been sick since I was a Sophomore in high school, her death was an incredible shock. She was supposed to come home the day we took her off the ventilator and the following three days of listening to her breath but where we kept her loaded mentally so she wouldn't suffer was just so crazy. I don't understand why she was able to breath just fine off the vent, but we needed to keep her brain silent so we couldn't hear her tell us what she wanted us to do. I'm angry at her for not listening to her doctors and for fighting us to help her be healthier so she'd live longer. Now, even my aunts and uncles look to me to fill her shoes. And it's not fair. I'm the youngest of three siblings and I'm sick all the time, but everyone is still looking at me and expecting me to be her. To honor her by becoming her like she did when her mother died. I'm so angry at the world b/c I'm sick and now all these eyes are looking at me and expecting me to stand up and be the pillar of strength I was through it all. I'm angry that I had to go to do all the funeral stuff while my sister got to simply bawl for six months and do nothing. As well as doing everything while my brother got to simply run my dad's brother around town like it was a darned vacation.

I know I need professional help but apparently the only way I could get professional help right now is to attempt suicide. No shrinks are taking new patients and I learned this from my GI who said that all of his patients are having difficulties trying to get help. The thing is, I can see how I'd do it. There are at least three ways for me to shuffle off my mortal coil. The gun my husband has locked away b/c I asked him too. The bridge that's ten minutes from my home. Or the easy way, taking every pill in my home and my dad's home. I'd cut my wrists but I don't have any major veins anywhere close to the surface of my skin. And I KNOW everyone is saying noooo, stop. But I'm a realist. If I did this, it would be fine. My husband would eventually be able to finally be out of debt within two years. No more having to beg people to help me cook. No more begging for help taking showers/baths. No more...just no more. And it isn't fair. That I have to be the smart one and the realistic one to know that suicide itself is a selfish act. But what's really selfish? Keeping someone in continual pain until a natural death of most likely cancer, or letting them go without malice for the way they die? It's not fair that I have to be a strain to everyone who actually loves me. And I know I am.

Which is why Lito my BH (beloved husband) got me hooked back up to the internet and a way for outreach while he's away at work. He works nights from 5pm to 5am. I can't hurt myself b/c what would he tell our babies, our sweet, incredibly intelligent dogs about my death? I can't have children but I do have dogs.

And yes, I'm much more maudlin then I should allow myself. However, my birthday is coming up. Last year, my mom borrowed about $75 from me to buy me a couple items to have as birthday gifts even though she was in the hospital. She went down to the gift shop and bought me things so my birthday wouldn't be such a sad affair. We were all broke this time last year b/c of taxes and feeding my mom @ the hospital since their food is incredibly inedible. Mom always made sure that every birthday, every holiday was a true and real celebration. My husband who has never lost a relative while he was alive doesn't have any frame of reference for the depth of pain I am in when I try to explain why I wake up sobbing and go into our bedroom, wake him up and beg him to hold me. I hate that I can't even sleep in our own bed b/c I have to still be propped up right so my shoulder and neck don't wake me. I have a heating pad on my shoulder/neck to fall asleep. Then I wake and it goes to my lower back or my abdomen b/c the pain from the Crohns begins even before I wake. I miss him beside me. Every time I try to sleep in our bed with him, I wake up crying from pain even though our bed is/was incredibly comfortable for me to sleep in. We need to somehow find the money to get one of those sleep number or some such beds. I'm 34yrs old and I can physically enjoy 5-8 days out of 30. Those good days...I haven't even cared about them this year. I don't know how to consider enjoying my birthday/wedding anniversary this year without my mother there. I'll have to buy my own birthday cake this year. And...no one will give me a birthday gift b/c no one will remember besides Lito. Mom told everyone a week in advance when someone's birthday was coming up. I told my sister about my brother's this year and my brother and father about my sister's birthday. Dad...last year, we took him to our favorite teppen yaki steakhouse and loaded him up with saki. But no one will remember mine unless I tell them. I don't even get out of "couch" anymore. I just hate waking up.

Gods, I'm so sorry to unload on you unsuspecting, kindhearted folks. But I needed someone to read my thoughts even though I know that my depression hurts others to experience. So, I'm sorry. Pretend I wasn't here and said nothing worth knowing. Which is as it should be.

Joie,just be you.I'm sure that's enough.

Life's tough enough with some of the hands that have been dealt here.

Free yourself of trying to live to please others.

Live to please God.The rest will fall into place.

Take care and God Bless.

Rick

edit:Sorry about that.lol