Worst day of my life.

Today is Easter and for the life of me, I cannot control myself. It feels like this enormous hole in the center of my chest is so empty that even breathing hurts. I woke up today feeling pain. Not much different from every other day except some part of me knew it, just knew that it was Easter. My mother loved this day. Every year of my life I woke up and there it would be, a silly basket made of metal instead of wood, filled with that horrid pastel "grass" and all of my favorite candy (only Reece's eggs in white chocolate since she knew I hated regular chocolate) like Jolly Ranchers and strawberry fruit roll-ups as well as a new bunny to add to my collection whether it was a stuffed bunny or a porcelain one. Easter, I was always her Easter bunny. I'd been born on Easter 33 years ago. And for the life of me, I am dreading my birthday that is 11 days from today. It's like having an invisible hand choking me. Even when I lived in Los Angeles for years, she always had an Easter set sent to me.

My mother was possibly the only person besides my husband who sees what my disease does to me and what I suffer through. She understood. I suppose what makes this harder is the fact that she understood. She never forced me to go beyond what I could manage. She was there when I'd reached this point where I realized that I was probably going to die before a hospital or doctor did something for me and then she was like a tornado in the emergency room. When I thought that I was going to die before they realized I wasn't in their stupid ER, drug-seeking. She had hospital security watching her, that's what she was like. She was fierce. I'm the most like her and I was the only one who truly understood her even when it was impossible too. She'd been crazy in the past few years probably from the lack of oxygen getting to her brain but even then she could get doctors and nurses to answer her. I'm angry at this day.

"Pain demands to be felt." so said John Green and yeah, I'm feeling it. When I hit my birthday, I suppose it'll be worse and a month from my birthday we'll hit the year mark of her being gone. But why it's hurting so bad today I haven't got a clue. And now I'm being harsh to my husband even though I don't know why. I'm just angry and hurting and unbelievably sad. So enjoy your Easter's.

Joie1,

I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss, but I promise you she is with you. I'm glad you have wonderful memories with her and I'm sure she would want you to think of them and smile. I hope you feel better and I will be thinking and praying for you in 11 days. Hoping you have a great day and thinking of her with a smile. She will be with you.

Thanks for all the kind words. I just thought it would be harder on my birthday, NOT this godawful day. I have a cousin who so kindly reminded me that my loss is not nearly as hers is since her mother died on HER birthday (which falls on the day before mine) 2 years ago come the 15th. Meanwhile, yeah I get her and her sisters' pain. Their parents died about 6 months apart. Their father on her sisters' birthday. Still, I kindly want to slap her for daring to say that my pain is nothing like hers is. Then again, we learn empathy so very quickly, those of us who suffer daily while others believe that their pain is the only pain worth knowing of. Don't get me wrong, I grieved with them fully last year since that truly is a horrific way to encounter loss. Still, how can you tell someone that their pain is nothing compared to your own? How do you even know? I suppose all I can say is I'm feeling it all so much more...intensely then I supposed. I spent this day surrounded by my husband (who tries to understand but can't as he still has even his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and parents all still alive), my father and my brother who are...well, guys. I'm sure they were sad but they didn't understand it the same. My sister who...I'm fighting with didn't bother to show her face. And I'm so darned glad she didn't. As I've said, she spent 6 months doing absolutely nothing. She's 40 years old and healthier then me, but there it is again. I'm so ANGRY at my family for making me have to take on doing everything. The only darned thing my dad was left to do was to buy the gravestone which he still hasn't done and wouldn't have except I sent my husband over to get him going on it. I want to have somewhere to grieve. Which sounds weird except its in a cemetery full of headstones. I am TIRED and I am SICK but I have a family of siblings and father and nephews and aunts and uncles and cousins who keep calling me and expecting me to know everything. Are all these people really unable to do simple tasks such as find phone numbers and whatnot? My heart hurt when she died but I went to deal with the funeral things. I went and got the flowers and yet, all these people seemed so unable? I spend most of every day in pain but I still get things done if they need doing. Why do I have to be the rock while I am grieving? I feel as though this entire year has gone so fast. I lost track of most of the holidays and all I feel is guilt. I promised her. I promised her I promised her I promised her that I would take care of everything and everyone. I told her to go, to let go, that I'd make sure everything was alright but truthfully I am not alright. As for memories...dunno if you can call them good. She was a force of nature. And how I wish I were kidding. She knew when to be a b.zatch while paying bills and she sure taught me when to pull that personality quirk out of the cupboard. I suppose I kept enough of the promise. Everyone else is okay. I know I'm not. Bleh, is it noticeable if your gastroenterologist suggests you seek professional help. More, she was one of few who ever. EVER gets to truly see how bad I feel. Her and my husband understand the depression and the whatthebleephaveyou that truly comes from having an active battleground found in your body. SHE knew. Yes, my sister has congestive heart failure as she did, but nothing like mom's was. My sister could get away with NOT taking most of her heart meds so long as she stayed to a good diet. By the time mom's was found after a car accident, they told her she'd be lucky to get 5 years. And so you all understand what I mean by force of nature: my mother had a brain aneurysm when I was a freshman in high school and subsequent surgery that year. She followed with narcolepsy caused from the surgery from then on. She was afraid she had breast cancer cause she'd been experiencing pains in her left breast. Nope, she'd been having small heart attacks for about 10 years from the congestive heart failure and she found out she had COPD from a lifetime of smoking around the same time. They gave her 5 years then. She went for ten albeit, those last 2 years or so were interesting. She wouldn't see a neurologist but i'm pretty sure she was having issues because she would fall asleep watching soap operas and believe they were truly happening in her life. To that: my father and husband were secretly having an affair. I came back when I found out about the 5 years....and 2 days later got to have my 4th surgery where I finally got diagnosed with Crohns. And sure, I had no idea that when I came out of that surgery I was gonna be so blasted lucky to have Fibro. And I couldn't figure out WHY WHY WHY I couldn't recover from THAT surgery. Why walking and moving and sitting and laying and whatever...why everything hurt. Where does it say that your nerves will go retarded on you following surgery? There is nothing I signed that said working 4 hours in a barely moveable job sitting at a desk would make me feel like I took a 2-day beating and no one understands that like my husband and HER. She understood because when I sent the next 7 years....recovering and getting diagnosed and finding a PM doc, she saw me. I was the one being her "slave" as my sister called me. But then, I suppose, I was empathetic b/c I KNEW that she hurt every moment of every day too. I feel her disappointment that I haven't kept her promise. Instead, I've kept quiet. Swallowing every hurt, every single thing I find lacking in myself. So, thanks for letting me show/say what I swallow instead.

Thanks

Joie1: I'm really saddened to hear of the heartache you are experiencing as a result of the death of your mother. Your love for her and the impact she has had upon your life is obvious in your post. I know that there will always be a special, tender place in your memory for your mother, and that the legacy of her influence will remain with you as long as you live. You'll be in my prayers, friend. "hugs"

LetItSnow

Thanks all.