Depressed

I continue to feel depressed and isolated. My PM appointment went as it always does. I have been seeing the PA who couldn't be nicer but while sincerely caring is not helpful.

I read about people who cannot get pain meds and yet in this practice I am seeing, this is all they wish to do. The doctor is very defiant about the crackdown on pain medications and has gone the other way. I have gone to the same pharmacy forever and there are two pharmacists, a younger man who knows me and is very kind and an older gentleman who treats me like a drug addict and will search until he finds a problem even though I have done everything right.

The root of my depression right now is that I am normally a communicator but I have kind of given this up. I feel as if I have metal belts pulled tightly around my ribs every second of every day. The only thing that has really helped is massage and PT, the theory being the nerves are entrapped in the thick scar tissue I have as it is believed the shingles attacked my muscles.

I was determined to be assertive at my apt and the PA I see wanted to up my medication and actually told me she believed massage might harm me more, how she didn't say and like so many others I didn't speak up but just took my scripts like a good girl and went on my way. I feel in a no win situation. I would like to change practices but few choices around here really and I feel as if I say shingles and people believe they know how that feels for me but I find when I compare, many of my symptoms were very different. This confirmed by doctors.

I feel as if it is minimized and yet I have a high tolerance for pain, never having taken a pain med in my life and this pain just wears me to the ground. Well thanks for letting me complain. I have a history as the caretaker both at work and personally. Most of my family is dead but I have many friends. I am isolating more and more. I fear I will do the same thing here I do in the rest of my life. I already feel as if I do not have it as bad as many. Oh well, not sure what I am asking. I guess just a safe place to have these feelings. Rufous

Post Edited (Rufous) : 4/11/2015 7:02:10 AM (GMT-6)

Here's a bit of etymology I found to be revealing, from the Online Etymology Dictionary:

"Shingles. inflammatory disease of the skin," late 14c., from Medieval Latin cingulus (loan-translation of Greek zoster "girdle"), variant of Latin cingulum 'girdle,' from cingere 'to gird' (see cinch (n.)). The inflammation often extends around the middle of the body, like a girdle."

The final sentence doesn't quite describe it vividly enough, but I have a sensation like you seem to be describing, of a tight belt cinched around the middle of the lower chest or upper abdomen, on the same level as the original rash, though the rash never crossed the midline in front or back. The pain is much worse on the side where the rash was, but the tight belt sensation is there all around.

I'm thinking the unusual sensation of an invisible belt was so noticeable it got incorporated into the very name of the disease.

That doesn't give any answer of how to get rid of it, or what exactly causes the sensation, but it shows that a doctor shouldn't be surprised at it as a symptom of shingles. And the sad thing is that one commonly reads that many things help the pain of shingles (or post-herpetic neuralgia really now), but often nothing really takes it away. I had a session with a social-worker/counsellor recently and we talked about coping methods for dealing, emotionally, with pain because it looked like I was pretty much stuck at this level of pain, waiting it out for months, maybe forever.

Rufous, I'm sorry to read about your pain. You mentioned that you are a communicator. You might try to find a good friend and share some positive thoughts. Sometimes getting in touch with the blessings of our lives takes our minds off the pain. Remembering great moments never hurts and the encouragement of a friend can be uplifting.
Praying for you,
DeanK

Sorry...My post took so long I missed James and TXPapa! Hey Y'all! Good stuff from both.  Lessons learned.

Good Morning Rufous...DITTO on EVERYTHING PMOM SAid=)

I too am VERY SAD, but I must PUSH through it.  God only gives us FORWARD.  I'm sorry that you feel alone, having lost your family.  I understand how that loss and longing (alone) can bring you such despair.  I don't have the answer.  You said you have many friends.  Please reach out to at least one today and ask her/him to meet you.  Go for a walk in the sunshine or sit in the sunshine.  BE in the moment.  Get a coffee or a frozen yogurt.  Enjoy the sunny day, even if you have to go alone.  I KNOW you don't want to go anywhere...do anything...see anyone.  But that can be deadly for your spirit, and your will.  Our will is our best advocate...necessary for survival.

Let's talk for a little while, my friend.  I want to share with you (and you with me) so that you KNOW you are not alone. 

I am blessed to have my DH (soon to celebrate 35 years).  He has a history of heart disease as his dad (45)died of a massive heart attack when DH was 16.  My DH has med-resistant HBP and A-Fib.  He must take 5 separate meds to "control" BP and heartbeat.  His mom had a mental breakdown 20 years ago and remains in a psychiatric hospital for the rest of her life.  He is an only child.  Although our marriage has had some major "hiccups", it is stronger than ever now.  He is a kind and loving sweetheart of a guy.  He treats me like a queen.  I reciprocate those feelings, but I don't feel worthy.  I'm convinced that he could find happiness if not for me.  I try to "fake" to him, as to everyone else, that I'm okay.  He'll look at me and ask, "Baby, what can I do to help you feel better?".  My reply is always the same, "Just love me through this".  He DOES. 

He even insists on leaving work to meet me for my PM appointments.  My PM is erradic and like a box of chocolates.  He has gone bat crap crazy on me more than once.  I felt that he (my PM) wanted to slap me.  IMO, my PM's culture does not respect women.  I know...but my options are limited.  I'm almost at the point that I'm considering TMouse's PM practice in Bama.  He has a properly compassionate doctor. If she weren't a state away, I'd be there already.   

I grieve EVERY DAY as I LONG for family.  We always gathered at my mom's house.  She's been in the nursing home since 2005.  Our family ceased to gather, except for Labor Day (at my house) and Easter (at my sister's).  I have 5 older sibllings (3 local) but for whatever reason, we don't interact...call, text, nothing.  I must initiate any contact, whether verbal or physical.  Otherwise, we only see each other and wave in passing.  I try, believe me, but it's obvious they don't reciprocate.  I've always believed that God created sisters to be best friends for life.  We're not.  There's no malice...just no connection.  All 3 have controlling husbands, track their every move.  My husband says theirs are afraid for them to spend time with me.  I am fiercely independent and think for myself.  They don't, so...no relationship.

This has left me ALONE to oversee my mom's medical care.  I am her POA and my siblings have made me PAY for that, a thousand times over.  I'm on call 7 days a week.  I do everything from schedule doctors' appointments to laundry/wardrobe to room decor/seasonal changes to monthly Birthday Club parties for my senior "peeps" at the home.  My siblings just don't show up for my mom, or for me.  It's a stressful and lonely feeling.  BUT...there is an UP side...I have found (and lost) some of the most precious FRIENDS who are residents.  My mom is impossibly cruel (at best) so I enjoy her fellow residents far more than her.

Rufous...I know this "sounds" depressing, but...I cannot tell you how rewarding it is for me to spend time at the nursing home.  I call BINGO games when I can.  I take goodies and help serve refreshments.  I help with most of the parties and events.  I've missed a lot over the past year since I got SHINGLES.  As I told you, this virus has decimated me.  I know that you are suffering SO MUCH from residual virus, and I KNOW that intensifies depression.

Sweetie, you MUST break the cycle before it breaks you.  I am no doctor, so I cannot give medical advice.  I can, however, share my thoughts and suggestions.  Right now, as you know, I am searching for the right med to control some of my daily pain. I feel VERY STRONGLY that myofascial release massage could help you get some relief.  It has the potential to loosen the adhesions.  I'm curious...Why does your doctor think not?  I'd get a second opinion.  Can you say what meds you're taking, if it's not too personal?  Meds save lives, but can also have debilitating SEs.  Some can induce depression.  I'm worried about you.  I'm having little success, but I cannot look to a med to solve my health issues.  Thankfully, I have a strong will and (normally) the determination of a raging bull.  I feel broken right now...very fragile.  This is a dangerous mind set for me...for you, as well. 

I'm reaching DEEP within to find that girl who has ALWAYS had to take care of herself (and everybody else).  She's there.  Yours is too, Rufous.  We're just wounded.  I don't know how I'm going to recover, but I AM.  I've fought too hard for too many decades to give up now.  I can feel your loneliness (and share it).  I have lost literally my best friends to dementia.  They went from "bottle-butting" (southern for goofing off) with me and my husband on weekends, to la-la land.  It's the price we pay for having "older" friends.  They were genuine lifelong friends that we grew up respecting, visiting and loving like family.  We would cook meals together, have movie night, eat out and travel with them.  Now they're "here" but gone.  We visit them, of course, but it's heartbreaking to witness.

I've talked too much again...as always.   It's a shame that lonely, like minded people cannot gather to share fellowship, food and laughter.  I believe that people need people...yea, corny but true.  Right now the sun is shining.  Everything is greening up and blooming.  The view out back of our property is picturesque, begging for a group of folks to come out and enjoy.  There should be racks of ribs loaded into the smoker.  There should be folks swinging underneath the tin-roofed swing, or pitching horse shoes out near the antique covered wagon.  If nothing more, my DH and I should be sitting in the bright red Adirondack chairs, with 2 Dalmatians alongside, drinking coffee and watching birds.

Instead, I'm here with a heating pad on my back and tummy with intense gas in my upper chest (from Diclofenac and Lortab).  My DH is next to me, asleep from sinus infection meds. We've both been "walking dead" all week.  He's been in for Rocephin shots twice this week, on his commute from work.  His birthday was Thursday, but we postponed any celebration.  He didn't even want his traditional favorite...homemade cherry pie.  I think we're so "low", we've depressed our dogs!

Please find the strength and will to "get out" of your head this afternoon.  Reconsider scheduling the massage, too=)

~Dixie

Post Edited (Dixie6) : 4/11/2015 11:04:38 AM (GMT-6)

I have given somewhat the wrong impression and I apologize for that. I am isolated for me but I do spend time in the outdoors and volunteer in areas I once would have worked. I will never give up on being with people and giving but I must be where I am at now. My parents truly had very long and serious illnesses and I cared for them If anything my struggle has always been allowing myself to feel that it is okay to "not feel okay".

If you were to ask people to describe me they would say things like strong and caring and that is truly wonderful but I do feel as if I have let people down because right now, I feel in pain. I am not going to get side tracked here but I did have two serious losses during this time. My oldest and dearest friend lived with me during her final days with breast cancer. She had lived for a long time with it but grief is grief and in all honesty, not everyone wants to sit and talk about it. I don't mean me but others. It's a wonderful thought to have someone who wants to hear about such things but many people do not and I understand.

I have to be where I am at in the moment and know I will get through it. We all have different experiences. Some people have lots of family and yet there may be many struggles going on. I brought up family because a part of this for me is missing them. I do not want to give the wrong idea as I say. I tend to be positive by nature and as I say Nature is a big part of that. Luckily I have many interests as well but like others, this has rearranged my life and I fear I will lose that which I love. Pain has a way of getting in the way at times. James, that girdle gets old and I would sure like to take it off. HaHa. Thanks again to everyone and thanks Dixie. I appreciate it.

Post Edited (Rufous) : 4/11/2015 11:44:21 AM (GMT-6)

Thanks pitmom, the vitamins cannot hurt and I had a friend who said what you did about HSV II and really it feels like somehow if it has herpes in it people think they can catch it and I felt that way about shingles. To me I am not judgemental about what people have so am sorry you went through that. It did feel as if the shingles virus affected my moods and feelings too. Didn't know until I read it here that they could do blood tests to determine viral load. Rufous

Dixie, yes I never took a pain med before shingles. It went like this. My primary care gave me Percocet 5mg because of the pain. I did not want to take them but did as the pain became so severe. She then referred me to the Pain Management specialist hoping she could do more to help me and what she did essentially was to gradually switch me from Percocet to Oxycodone 5 mg and Oxycontin and aside from one pain pill when I was 19 and had a widsom tooth out and threw up that is it. I imagine my story isn't always easy to follow as I cannot always follow yours either in terms of sequence so we are in the same boat but I chalk it up to trying to communicat in this form. Not always easy and we miss posts. I believe that is the hardest. My main concern is that they (PM practice) do not seem to want to do anything but give meds. I admit I have been pretty anti-meds in my life.

I gotta tell ya, letting things look like they really ARE has been the toughest thing for me to do in my lifetime. I'm a survivor. I get through trauma after trauma and I just keep moving. A bit like you, I spent much of my life dedicated to others emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. I was, and remain an expert at helping others. I consider it an honour and a gift from the Big Guy that I've gotten to do that.

But like you, I struggle with being the one who is in this position. I've dealt with pain my whole life. But this chronic pain is a whole new realm for me. There's no end. And I have to wrap my head around the prospect that "this is as good as it gets for the rest of my life"? I try to imagine pulling this off ten years from now......and I can't. I don't want this to be "as good as it gets". I fear it might be, at least for years.....until something new gets discovered....IF it gets discovered. I try to stay in the moment, but the chronic pain doesn't subside and it makes it more than difficult.

It's changed my whole life. I can't say for the bad, I have limited vision. I don't know what's in store from those changes. But they've been significant changes to date and I struggle to see the GOOD in them...

Loss of my "job", though not my employment--I no longer do what I spent 37 years doing.
Loss of "position" and my "professional" identity.
Loss of friends. I simply cannot physically DO things that I used to do with them.
Loss of activities--it's all I can do to put in 8 hours. I come home and that's it--keeping it "together" for those 8 hours drains me and everything becomes obvious.
Loss of energy--I spend it handling the pain that's medically treated so I can "function" in my working world. I remember my last night of uninterrupted sleep--it was in December of 2012.
Loss of control--I cannot control any of this, not what's going on with my body, not what's happening around me, not how all this is affecting the people who love me---loss after loss after loss.
And here I am, a mental health professional, struggling with the vast amount of loss that is far reaching and seemingly unending.

Honestly, it was my oncologist who saw it before me. I'm depressed, though it probably isn't obvious to the world that I don't tell the truth to. I fear they tire of listening and since they can't SEE an injury, they think it's embellished or, even worse, made up for attention.

To be able to just let things look like they ARE for a 30 minute appointment with some stranger isn't something I do easily (if at all).
But let me talk to an oncologist who worked with me for eons--I let myself be as messy as I felt.

It's hard for us "healers" to not be able to fix ourselves. Chronic pain creates a lot of loss and each of us feel it. Each of us gets to deal with those losses. Some of us do that more gracefully than others. Even admitting to all of this stuff here, to all of you, is difficult. But at lesst as I type it, I can get a sense of heads nodding in understanding.

I don't have an answer to how all this feels physically, emotionally or spiritually. But what I have is a nodding head, a heart that aches for you, and a desire to walk through things with you....with all people who know with their whole being how debilitating this thing called "chronic pain" is.

*huge hugs*
You don't have to do "this" alone. None of us do.

To anyone up at this hour, another problem of mine insomnia. It is early here 3:30 AM so I probably won't make the most sense but I want to give a big thank you to melagain for your kind and thoughtful message. Your reply described my feelings to a T. I could not have written that better myself and to feel that understood brought me to tears. I get it to mel and please know I am there for you as well. As long as I am here you are not alone.

Just thank you for understanding and when I reread your post, you could be me. I so understood everything you said and so beautifully. It is early so I will stop myself here as I truly feel I am not at my best to post at 3:30 AM and

*huge hugs* to you my friend and you are right. None of us have to do this alone including you. As you said so well, even admitting to these feelings is so hard to do that part of me wants to run the other way. It is difficult when so much of your identity is that of being a helper and yet try as you might you cannot "fix yourself"

I have many thoughts and feelings regarding the things you said but mostly I want to thank you for what you said so beautifully. I do not believe anyone in this journey of mine anyway has gotten it any better than you have. When I am feeling down, I will reread your post.

And Dixie, thank you. No need to apologize. Partly it is hard for me to talk about so I might not always make the most sense. I am going to see if I can go back to sleep-can't decide if the oxycodone makes me sleep more or just interferes in my sleep. Rufous

Thanks Joan. That is a good idea I think and you are so right, it does attack the nerves. They(drs) believe my immune system went into overdrive and so the outbreak was quite severe and supporting your nerve theory, they tell me they think nerves are trapped in the scar tissue. I will ask about the tens unit. I am glad to hear it helped you. Rufous

melagain, we seem to be kindred souls in many ways with a similar worldview. I too feel bad about how this affects my partner but he insists that I should not worry about that and he is fine and it is really affecting me and not him. He feels this is helping me but really I would welcome talking to him about how it affects him because I know it does. I see it and feel it and if anything I am beginning to feel his anger. There are times I want him to go live his life without me weighing him down and then the very thought of him leaving, has me in tears.

I tell myself I am the same person despite the pain and I know that I am but I do see the way the pain has changed me although I continue to hide this from others which is why I came here, to let down and be myself with other who "get it". I am trying to find out more about what you have gone through with your leg and chemotherapy. Indeed the end of the day is often the hardest and all of this comes at a time for me when some things are going quite well with my photography and I fear I won't be able to continue to be that strong woman who can haul the big lenses around and hold them for 8 hours. Part of the loss.

I am working up the courage to find out if I have CLL, which is difficult as my father died from leukemia and somehow I did not worry about getting it myself. It continues to give me joy to help others and I also dread not being able to do that. The difference is I need help too. Hard to even choke those words out. Hard to explain to my partner why I feel like going to bed at 9:00. It is a process for sure and "mel", it is people like you who help me get through this and feel not so alone. Thank you and keep "hangin in" and I will too. My hummingbirds will return in a week or so and I am waiting for them. If they can make such a long journey, I know I can get through this. Today, the ribs hurt. Pills not working very well and I know this. Rufous

Thanks very much pitmom. Thanks for sharing what has worked for you and we all have to find that balance that works for us between doing and being with people and relaxing and just spending quiet time. The beauty is there is no one right way and I really love how everyone shares what works for them. Being outside and in Nature works for me. Feeding and watching the birds and teaching children about them. I am fairly new to some of this. You are right, we all need each other. I for one will be here. Rufous

Pitmom, wow so great to hear you love birds as well and I too am a cat person. I live in Colorado where there are literally Bears and Mt Lions in the area so we have to keep our kitties inside here because so many have met with a bad ending. When my old cat Baby died, I got another cat named Angel for my cousin who died and you know what? She has been fine with staying inside. I love the Goldfinches too-so beautiful. Growing up in the Midwest, I do miss the Cardinals. We have Broad-tailed hummingbirds from the end of April thru Oct and it just gives me so much pleasure to watch all of the birds.

My hummingbirds love the Bee Balm as well and it is one of the few plants we have that come back yearly at this altitude. I am so glad you shared this. Birds and Kitties-yes a bit of a problem. Couldn't give up my little fur friends though as she has seen me through many a day. Rufous