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Posted 4/11/2008 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
confused  I am at my wits end; please help me.  My "caretaker" is putting me down right & left.

My caretaker and I have been bf/gf off and on for 22yrs.  I have no family so he is the only one I have to depend on.  Having always been blessed with good health, he has no clue what pain or depression are all about.  He is now living with me, supposedly to help me.  Yes, he does fix my food, empty my porta potty, help me bathe, etc.- most of the physical things that I cannot do from a wheelchair.  As for emotional support, it just isn't there.  He constantly belittles me or raises his voice if I don't verbally respond the way he thinks I should.  Three things he NEVER says are Please, Thank You, and I'm Sorry.  I have always had a cat since we met.  He has never liked cats but will begrudgingly feed the one I have now.  Other than that he aggravates her from the time he gets home from work 'till he goes to bed.  I think he does this either because he is jeasous of her or knows I can't do anything about it.  By the way I do not depend on him financially.  I recieve a regular retirement check each month which is alot more than he makes.

Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for what he does do for me and I thank him every day.  But he never says anything positive.  I hate being dependent on him.  I think his negativity is greatly affecting my depression.  All he has to say about that is "Snap out of it!!".

I will be so glad when I get the Spinal Cord Stimulator (April 24th).  I have high hopes that I will be able to walk and take care of myself again.  He tells me it won't work.

If anyone can give me tips on how to deal with this kind of person it would be greatly appreciated!

Posted 4/11/2008 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
Great input as per normal Gramps
I personally agree this is not good for you mentally nor physically

LYN
Posted 4/11/2008 5:37 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Gramps & Lyn.

When he came home from work today I told him I wanted to discusss something with him. Of course I got tearful; I do whenever I get angry or am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. Anyway, I explained my feelings and suggested that I thought it would be best if got someone to come in twice a day to feed Jessie (my cat), empty my potty, and fix a sandwich for me. And asked if he would still help me get to my drs appts. He says I can't trust anyone to come in here because they would steal from me and no one could take care of me like he does. Then he ate and went out to mow the yard.

I am strong in helping others in need but when it comes to taking up for myself, I'm not very good. My therapist & psychiatrist even tell me he is most of my problem. I am banging my head against a fence post!
Posted 4/11/2008 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
Lassieluv,
Your idea was a good one - to get someone else to do the caretaking, but his reaction to this is very problematic in my view. Very controlling. I know that caretakers also have a lot of stress on them, and his resentment could have been building over time. I always think it's good to try to separate these roles as much as possible - that is, to hire caretakers and not put so much on a spouse.

I realize you're very limited now, but you need to get someone to help advocate for you, and to see if this man will modify, and deal more appropriately with his stress and resentment if help is given, or if this is just part of his personality. If he's always acted this way toward you, your cat, then he's not likely to change. If it's just started since you've been in a wheelchair and needed to depend so much on him, it may be the stress of caregiving. Are there any friends or family you could call in to help mediate the situation - or someone you could pay that he would trust to come into the home? If not, I think you need to call one of the agencies around and speak to someone. I don't know your age - sometimes the local Area Agency on Aging has resources to help assess situations like this. Or any agencies dealing with the disabled. You have a therapit and a psychiatrist - ask them to help you with local resources. Maybe you want to do the implant first, but you need to make some plans for your future after that.

PaLady
Posted 4/11/2008 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I find it interesting that when people tell these stories that the focus is always on what can I do to change them.  My best suggestion is the next time you see your therapist the focus should be on you and what you need to do to change your current situation.  You need to make decisions about your life and how you want to live it--if he doesn't like it, then he needs to make some decisions about what he then wants to do about it.

Posted 4/11/2008 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
He has always been this way towards me. But we have had some good times through the years as well. I'm sure the stress of caring for me has something to do with it too, but that's not the main factor. Yes, he does and always has harbored resentment that I don't have to work anymore. He could have chosen to try the military same as I did; making it a career was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I am 53yrs young and have no living relatives left. Both my brother & sister committed suicide. I do have a nephew though but he is in prison for voluntary manslaughter. I have tried corresponding with him years ago but he wants no part of me. And I really don't want him to know where I live when he gets out.

Thank you for your suggestion regarding asking my therapist if she knows about any Area Agencies. I'm sure my pc would support me in this. I am biting my tongue until after the implant. Please pray that it will work. If it doesn't work, I will take more forceful action. I want my peaceful home back.
Posted 4/11/2008 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
That sounds like a good plan - to get the implant, but then make some changes either way. If he's always been this way toward you, he's not going to change. And it could get even more abusive, so as you're going through the implant process, I'd suggest using your therapist and psychiatrist and other health care providers/resources to help you make and follow through with a plan for your future.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much heartache with your family. And I don't blame you about not wanting your nephew to know anything more about you - he doesn't soune like anyone that can be of help to you, and may bring a whole host of problems you don't need.

It may be difficult to end the relationship with this man, and he may not go willingly, so prepare yourself to find peace, and use all the healthy and helpful resources you can find to help you!
Posted 4/11/2008 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks PAlady, for your understanding. You are providing me much more support than I am getting a home. I wish for you less pain and only good things.
Posted 4/11/2008 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, lassieluv. I really needed them today!

By the way, if you feel like it I'd love to know if your name has anything to do with that famous dog many of us grew up watching!
Posted 4/12/2008 2:20 AM (GMT 0)

I don't know that I'd throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Being a 24/7 caretaker is a dam hard job no matter how much love and respect exists between two people.  The simple truth may be that after taking care of your physical needs, there just isn't anything left in him to give.  Don't leave the decision for finding a new helper up to him.  It's your body, your health and your needs that are at stake here.  Just do it.  In time, and with the physical pressures of daily living off, he just might be able to provide some of the emotional support you need.  If he doesn't, well - that's what a good therapist is for, right?

As for finding someone new to help with daily activities, you might even try a church.  Many years ago a very good friend of ours died of AIDS.  Several people with a local church came over every day during the work week and did everything including helping him in and out of the bathroom.  Talk about angels, huh?  I know that probably wouldn't be a good long-term situation for you, but if someone could come in 2 or 3 times a week and give your bf some time off, it might help.

Posted 4/12/2008 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
PAlady, I hope you are having a better day today.

lassieluv didn't come from our dear TV dog friend. It came from my now deceased kitty cat, Lassie. She was the best furry friend I have ever had. I still can't get over her untimely leaving. I actually have a very small tatoo of the outline of a kitty with her name under it; it is just above my knee and I love it.
Posted 4/12/2008 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
TexasJen, I got a chuckle about your 2 gold fish.

That is a good idea about my church members. One of then has loaned me her mother's wheelchair. I just hate asking them for help. Maybe I should look for an Care Agency or something. One thing of note though - Blaze, my caretaker, does not want to leave. He prefers living her to living in his camper trailer and enjoys driving my newer car. I do need his help with getting me to drs appts. So I'm kinda stuck, if you know what I mean.
Posted 4/12/2008 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't mean finding a new helper to take his place in your life. If you don't want him to leave, why should he just because someone else is helping out? If you want him to go, let it be for other reasons than your health. Same reasoning applies if you want him to stay. It's your choice either way, so don't let him, or anyone else, make the decision for you.
Posted 4/12/2008 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
I feel for you in this BUT I do have to agree you need someone that is supporting your decisions and your health....
I think asking your Church would be beneficial for you they dont mind really
I am on the Council for exactly this "Community Outreach"
We do get calls all the time needing things for ppl and that is what the fund is for ........
I am sure you will be delightfully suprised at the help you can recieve.........
There is no shame in having to ask my friend none at all IMHO

I do wish for you only peace of mind and the strength to do what is right for YOU
God Bless
LYN
Posted 4/12/2008 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
I would get rid of him and find a supportive caregiver. there are agencies where you can get help getting a caregiver. btw I hope the surgery helps you.

Posted 4/12/2008 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
Well Gramps, you've done it again - hit the nail square on the head! Heck, you tell me as much or more than my therapist does.

Since I only have to wait 12 more days for my SCS I will just ride the waves until then. If it doesn't work I will check out some Health Care Agencies. If it does (I pray) then out he goes, again.

Thank you sooooo much for your support.
Posted 4/12/2008 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
Lassie I hope you find a good caregiver, and the surgery goes well
Posted 4/12/2008 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
Lyn

Thank you for providing me with options.

And thank you for your words of encouragement too.
Posted 4/12/2008 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
sheryl+=jk,

My it appears you have a gamit of health problems. Thank you for reading mine.

If my surgery doesn't work, I WILL look for a new caretaker. And yes, I hope my surgery goes well too. That would would pretty much take care of my delimma.

Thanks!
Posted 4/12/2008 9:02 PM (GMT 0)
lassieluv,
We'll all be pulling for the success of your procedure. I have a feeling you've got a lot of strength and courage in you, even with all the huge challenges you've got. So determine that one way or another, you're going to have some quality of life after all of this, and no longer be the brunt of someone beating you down. Gramps' comments resonated with you, so that should tell you what you already know deep inside. Even if you ended up having to live in an assisted living facility, it would certainly be better than being in your present situation. Or maybe you could find a live-in caregiver who's only there for that purpose. Maybe there's a young person around - a college student, for example, who could use a place to stay in exchange for services. it's tough for young people to live on their own these days. I'm just tossing out ideas here - only to help you see if you brainstorm you'll come up with something. But focus now on your health.

A cat named lassie? I love it!! Orange and white, I'm guessing? I had to put down my 20 year old cat about 3 years ago. I miss him dearly, but right now I know I couldn't handle an animal. Can't bend enough, etc. But my goddaughter has an orange and white one I'm going to "borrow" from time to time. He looks a lot like my cat, but his eyes are lighter.

Hugs to you!
PaLady
Posted 4/12/2008 9:17 PM (GMT 0)
God has a special place for his furry friends and those who take care of them.

I'm really sorry for your pain in having to put down your 20yr old cat. I'm sure he must have had a life full of love. I don't think we ever get over a loss like this. I miss not being able to take care of Jessie, 6yrs old, the way she was used to being spoiled. By the way, Lassie was solid black!

Thanks for your caretaking options.

God Luvs Ya!
Posted 4/13/2008 3:28 AM (GMT 0)
Aw LassieLuv you have yourself a control freak. He wants total control over you and thats not in your best interest for sure.Of course he is not going to leave on his own, miss driving a new car around, living in a nice place free of charge to boot. Oh, in his sick mind you owe him the world for the sick abussing rat he is. Actually he is dishing out alot of mental abuse to you. He wants you in the wheelchair and he wants you dependant on him and him only. He is so scared you may befriend someone and spill the beans so say like you have here with us and thats a threat to him. He is one sick dude. I will pray for you to have a successful surgery and I do hope you kick his ass to the curb as soon as you feel better after surgery. Gentle hugs coming your way. Susie

Posted 4/13/2008 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
He gets free rent, the use of your car and can come and go as he pleases? Ummm, maybe he's afraid of wrecking the gravy train. I'm not underminding the role of a true care-giver, I'm a Ped home care nurse and have taken care of ppl in their homes for yrs, but it sounds as though what he does could be  done by a caring aide and prob with more respect to you. It sounds to me like he has none at all for you. has he always been like this?
Posted 4/13/2008 11:44 AM (GMT 0)
I can't imagine some not wanting to see a person in a wheelchair to get better. My surgery IS going to make me better! I understand what you guys are saying about getting rid of him for his abusive ways. It is not going to be easy. Yes he enjoys living here with all the benifits of a good home. He doesn't want me to have any friends and is even rude rude when me neighbor comes over or I talk on the phone. He is now jealous of me spending so much time with this forum.

No, he has no respect for me and barely pays attention when I try to talk with him. Weekends are his drinking days to drink which a pure hell. I try just to stay stay away from him because he just wants to argue and repeat things over & over. I am living in my own litttle hell hole! I dearly loved my house before all this cp issue required to me ask for help. I didn't mean this kind of help though.

Please keep my in your prayer that this is abusive relationship will end soon.
Posted 4/13/2008 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
lassieluv, after re-reading your post for the 2nd time, im with everyone else, it sounds like your a prisnor in your own home. I know you need help with caretaking, but there al;ways some place to go, like others have mentioned calling local church,

caregiving agencies, they can be 24/7, or just daytime. Are scared if you got rid of him, that he would be a stalker? That crossed my mind., that maybe you were scared if you let him go, that he would stalk you. Is he that way? I hope not. Again good luck with your surgery, you know we are all here behind you....Love....Sheryl

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