Ugggg! Another bad day!

I think my pain is getting worse!!! I have not had this many bad days in a row for quite some time. I am afraid that its getting worse and I don't know how much more I can handle. It is so frustrating when the pain is this bad and I have nothing that will take the pain away. Gosh does it ever get any better??? I sure hope so. So many dreams....so many hopes for the future.....gone in one day. Sorry guys and gals just feel down today and now I'm crying through the pain trying to get it to go away.

I never imagined in a million years that I would actually feel like my whole life has been wasted in a brief minute of compassion towards another person. Like I have told you all before I was a CNA and I loved my job and when I prevented that frail woman from falling to the floor I had no regards for my own life or what it would end up doing to my back. But the weird thing about it is, if I was in that position again and had a good healthy back like I had before this ever started I'd do it all over again without any regrets.

I have always been told that when life throws you a lemon to make lemonade, but geeeeez its hard to make lemonade without the sugar if you know what I mean. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling because it hurts to move, hurts to wiggle and hurts to do anything but lie there is making me feel like I am defenseless against something that I did not ask for or wish to happen.

Today I discovered, after talking to some long time friends from my old job, that the woman that I prevented from falling died today and that saddens me as well. But I know that she is in a better place and is no longer plagued with the Alzheimer's disease that once wracked her poor brain into nothing. At the time when I helped her she was quite alert being only at the first stage of the disease and she thanked me many times for saving her from a broken hip or leg. But to think that she doesn't remember me two years after the incident really makes me feel sorry for all that go through such a horrid disease as Alzheimer's is.

I hope I'm not rambling too much, just needed to get a few things off my chest. Painful days do not make life much easier and its one of those days!

Hi Scared for Life: As You know I am with You with having a hard time with increased pain and the ability to deal with it. We have a new member RS who made me smile after reading his posts, we have several new members counting on us as pain survivors for help and advice. Basically we are needed. I made the mistake of trying to sleep early this morning my phone rang and I knocked it of my end table and it fell on the floor so I tried to move as fast as possible to get to the phone and my legs gave out and I fell into my closet instead of crying out in pain ( because it hurt ) I laid there and laughed both my Shepherds were trying to get to me and both make the weirdest howl's when ever I am in trouble it's cute and funny not to mention I had my clothing on my head etc.
Due to my Dogs signaling for help there howlinglsent my wife and sons running where they found me in the closet covered in clothing, Dogs going nuts and me laughing-- then when I looked at the confusion on my families faces I laughed even more. Long story short little stuff like this sometimes makes life worth living. Did I read a post right that Your writing a book ? ? Based on all of our experiences one could write quite a novel.
I too fear the rest of my life then You read posts like RS's and he is hurting more than I than i hear about the poor children inflicted with Cancer and other painful disease's and at least I had 43 years of a good life plus I have a wonderful family and all of a sudden I can deal with this crap " for now" tomorrow is another story. Need a friendly voice please feel free to PM me i do not pay for long distance calls. if You need a friend we are here for You now and always, Your friend in pain Tom

Hi Scared : Your right I have given up on certain days. Today could have been a nightmare had i torn or broken something but somehow i found humor in it
my last hope is the pain pump but they want to install it after I have my total knee placed for the second time with hopes that another knee may decrease some of my pain. My orthopedist disagrees with my pain doc and whould rather me have both done at the same time requiring only one hospital stay.
I'll argue with my pain doc next visit. Every day is different some days i eat pain like candy others i want to hide and cry. Today i have eaten a little candy and feel the depression/ pain coming on because i did more activity today than usual and know that i'll see the sun go down and up again without sleep.
Everyday is a Scared for Life day for fearing another injury, long term sickness would send me over the edge and I believe everyone who knows me has come to the understanding that I have enough. Funny thing is that Iam treated like a child for i am never left alone there is always, always a family member close by. Guess they don't trust me ? I don't trust me either and do not blame them. Sorry for being so depressing I am not going anywhere unless the pain pump fails to bring relief then enough will be enough. Happy then so sad . Your pain friend Tom

Hi Scared: Pretty soon I'll be calling you Happy to be pain free. Thanks for Your concern I believe that You understand where I am coming from non of us wants to even consider giving up but as You know there are days, weeks that really get to You and I am what my Docs call: in mid-flare up and my patience
is running thin. Do You have support at home? I read so much and You know about memory loss with pain so i do not recall. If it's non of my business
tell me to go fall somewhere or worse yet ask me how i feel ( i really hate that question) Take Care .... Your "scared friend" in N.J.

Hi Scarred: Thank God for our loving Mates. After both our sons went out on their own. My wife and i traveled and tried enjoying life with just the two of us being home then my wife's sister became very ill and She had two children with autism. I took the liberty of taking in both children into our home and my wife never had to ask me to take them in as our own. Not a day goes by where Barbara my wife doesn't thank me for doing this. We have legally adopted both of them and life is hard for both my wife for they require a lot of attention and love. My wife has four brothers and five sisters all of which are a lot better of financially then us. I did not hesitate for one minute to help out when called on years ago when life was easy. Not ever has one of my wife's family ever offered to help out.
When i write about "giving up" all i have to do is look at my wife and our children and no way could i take the easy way out. Praying for pain pump success someday soon !!! Please tell Your Husband I feel he is one hell of a great man. Best regards, Your Scarred friend from N.J.