HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Food for thought

Support Forums
>
Chronic Pain
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 9/2/2008 5:11 AM (GMT 0)
Just was thinking today

Today as I sat in my house wondering if I was going to be able to make the picnic I was invited to.  This got me to thinking about why it seems we can push outsleves to do what we must when we can, weather that be working, taking care of our kids, houses, doc appointments exc. but when it comes to exta cir. activities that we(me really) thinks of every excuse to decline because im tired, depressed, in pain, bla bla bla.  I think I could come up with a million and one reasons why.

So me always being one to look inward and analize to death, at times, the whys of life, really starting thinking on this.

I was thinking if I can push myself to work the few hours a week that I do, make my doc appointments, run someone to a sports event, food shop exc. then why dont I push myself to be more involved with the wonderful things life has to offer as well.

Some of the reasons I came up with were...1.. I dont want to feel like Im on the outside looking in, being there but still feeling that lonelyness that has imcompassed my life this last few months and I know for some of you yrs.  2.  Im so tired of putting on that face that I can handle everything that life throws at me and just keep going as expected. 3.  I just dont want to as I have this time to sit and rest my aches and pain (ya right like I ever get that anyway)

4. Im in pain( well thats a constant anyways what ever Im doing)

So as I sat there thinking about it, it really mad me mad, I felt like in some ways I was letting the CP steal even more from me and this was something That I actually had control over.

That I push myself to do all the ness. things that I need to do to survive but doesnt the emotional asspect of life just as much a ness as the bills, kids, and work.  Itsnt survivial emotionaly just as important as the phycial side of life? If not even more so.  Without our emotional support or ourselves or others arent we just a shell of just going through the motions of life?

I get up everday and force myself to do the things I know I have to do but I have let go of the simple pleasures of life thinking that I cant have those things anymore at this time.

Why dont we force ourselvses to just to get out and have fun even if its just a once in a while thing.  I know for myself im in pain sitting in the house, wouldnt I rather have the pain and experece something wonderful instead  of pain and lonelyless without hope of anything thing different than what I have now.

So I fourced myself to get up and go, altho I didnt stay as long as i would have befor the accident, I went and that in its self, I felt was a war won, I talked and interacted, another battle one, I laughed and it felt good, I sat on my neighbors couch with an ice pack stuck down my pants and lived with the pain, the same pain I would have had at home, alone, isolated, lonely and depressed.  Instead I endured like I would have if I went to work, or did any orther ness. thing that I have to do.

  And you know what, They all understood and accepted and made me feel so much better just to NORMAl in a world of pain that was my own.  But I ask you all to define NORMAl? As I think each persons explanation would be simular but differnt to there own exisitance and experiences.

I quess the food for thought for me is that if I can push myself to do what I must to survive, then why dont I push more for the happiness and the wonderful mircles that God has created that are around us everyday and we just pass by them saying, its just a rose!

Why arent we pushing more for the joys of life as well as the ness. of life?

And this is by no means in any way shape or form and insult or attack on anyone just the thoughts of a woman, mother, fiance, warrior trying to find balance and just my little taste of heaven in a world of pain.

Lara

 

Posted 9/2/2008 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
Lara,

I think that's awesome what you've posted. I've been making much more of an effort the last few weeks to be more positive about things. Yes, it requires a lot more effort -- a LOT more -- but I've found it's had some surprising consequences.

A few weeks ago I bought a new notebook for journaling. I spent a little bit more & got one that's pink & happy looking. I only allow myself to write happy thought in it. If I'm really struggling with something & have to write it down, I get out a piece of looseleaf & throw it away once I'm done. I try to write in my happy journal every night -- but usually it's only every other night b/c I forget. I write about my hopes, dreams, accomplishments & anything else good in my life. It can be something dumb like a yummy food I tried, or something more major like getting caught up on all the dishes or laundry, or if I had a bad day, I'll write about why tomorrow is going to be better. I've been really surprised b/c even though I was just writing them down so I would have something happy to read when I'm bedridden, it's actually helped me on a lot of the other days. I've been getting a LOT more done at work & a home. My desk is more than 50% cleared off at work (it was a total mess just a few weeks ago) and my home, while no where close to immaculate, is definitely presentable. I've finally felt up to making a few phone calls to friends & have been pretty faithful in doing my 2 minutes of core work & 5-10 minutes of light "cardio" almost everyday [ok, so "cardio" might be a stretch, but it is moving at a faster pace than usual]. In spite of all this, I've still been under my prescribed dose of painkillers.

I've tried all kinds of stuff in the past. Worst of which was counseling. Upon reflection, I realized that all I did was complain about my life, my week & my job in counseling and talk about my evil little plans. I wondered how different my life would be if I would spend a couple hours a week to only write/talk about positive things & about my good little plans. I didn't really know if much would come of it. I hoped I would sleep better. Unfortunately, that part hasn't worked out yet; but I've just started, so who's to say it won't turn around any day now?! ;)

I don't want to seem all crazy sappy & stuff. It's not like I'm pain-free or anything, but I have been really surprised about how many of my silly happy little plans that I never thought would actually happen, but wrote down like they would anyways, have now come to pass. I'm kinda sleepy right now, so hopefully all that made at least some sense. I just wanted to agree with you that sometimes taking a risk & trying some new things ends up bringing us more life, joy & hope that we really imagine possible.

Maybe some people will write about not over-doing it with the pain, but if I'm reading you right, that's not what you're saying. So I say -- GO FOR IT!!! :-)
Maybe we can both keep writing about when something good happens to us? I know I'd like to hear more from you -- and hopefully we can rope some other people in in the process. tongue

sweet dreams,
frances
Posted 9/2/2008 5:57 AM (GMT 0)
Yayyyyyyyy...well said lara... & I couldn't agree more. You know me and the way I think and respond to my illness...and you have encapsulated my theory.
Incorporating it into your whole life can be done in all the ways you mentioned.... but, me personally. I prefer to see some positive come from my suffering ..otherwise it is hollow and a waste of me...& if one lets that happen , well, you begin to die as a person from that point.
Emotional death in life is the worse thing to witness. Our spirits must be fed..nurtured in order for us to still see the light that life is...irrespective of what our bodies make us deal with.
I am in pain 24/7 and have been for years...but if I don't laugh or interact with another emotionally, or spiritually..this hurts so much deeper...heheh laughing never hurts me.
My very basic theory is that if the spirit grows and grows ..then it pushes the bodies hurts further and further for our centre....the pain remains, but it is more peripheral....and that much easier to accept and incorporate into a semi normal life.
As you say, my friend, the pain goes where you do....take it with you as you look at kids playing & laughing, or seeing a beautiful garden.... or watching birds go about thier business, or spendng time with caring friends.....it is all food for the soul.
It is never JUST a rose,

Maree
Posted 9/2/2008 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
Well my life is the exact opposite! I will go out with my daughter to the stores or to a friend's and suffer through whatever pain I have, just to get out of the house and cheer up my mind. But the house work is something I don't tackle too much. I have to use a wheelchair to get anything accomplished and I can't get everything done from a wheelchair, that's why I have a maid come once a week to help me out.

I am almost always up for going out of the house somewhere, just to take my mind off the constant pain and depression that it causes. If I stayed inside the house all the time, I think I would die of depression for sure. I don't drive anymore, so I depend on my DD to take me out whenever she can. I watch my granddaughter every day while she works, so that is my job, so to speak and I love it. My husband helps me out quite a bit and she is very attached to him too. But I digress..................

I just want to say that a lot of you fine people work outside of the home. You have to, in order to pay the bills. Plus you are raising children and running a household. It's not easy finding the extra strength , time, and energy to run out and play. But know this, it is important to your mind that you have some off time. Now that can be watching a movie or knitting or sewing or whatever you do that makes you happy, but it's important for your mind to find the special time to relax and enjoy life----whatever that is.

Thanks for letting me share.

God bless you all.

Lindaloo
Posted 9/2/2008 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
Good post Lara. I usually have the mind-set that since I'm hurting anyway, I might as well get something accomplished or have some fun instead of just sitting on the couch hurting. Of course there are times when the couch works just fine for me.

Frances- that is really great about your journal and how it helps you. It's a good reminder of the power of positive thinking.

Lisa
Posted 9/3/2008 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
It is a good question, Lara. And lots of good input from everyone. I guess I would fit the description here. I am single. I live alone, I try to work some, although much less than I did before pain took over. And yes, my social life is all but gone. All the things you've talked about are probably true for me... It makes me sad to contemplate how much I've lost, so I try not to dwell on it. My friends and family don't really understand the severity of my pain (my fault - I work hard to play it down) so they expect me to do things I just cannot do and get frustrated with me when I flake. Doing the social things just plain hurts! As does work...

But, why do I still push through the pain to force myself to work when I don't always put that much effort into my social life? Well... I'm afraid it's pragmatism. I can only physically and mentally endure a certain amount before my body simply stops. I can push through the pain for a while, but only for a while. So I have to choose - do I use that time for work? Or do I use it for pleasure? Well, of course I know what I'd LIKE to pick. But I am the only income in my household. If I don't pay the electric bill and the gas, I won't have heat this winter. I have a mortgage payment and of course horrendous hospital bills. And that's with insurance - which I would lose if I had to stop working altogether.

Do I miss having a social life? Yes, very much. I am desperately lonely sometimes. But I am blessed in many ways, really. I know that there are many out there who are not able to work anymore at all and who are also living alone and have been forced to search out other means of support. I may end up there eventually myself. But while I still have the ability to work even a few measly hours, I just have to. How can I not?

Ry
Posted 9/4/2008 12:09 AM (GMT 0)

Hello all and thanks so much for the replys...

Frances, I love the idea of a feel good journal.  I think that is great and I love how you didnt realize just how much you have gotten of your dreams by doing that.  I think sometimes we, well I , dont want to gerneralize here foucus on so much of the negitive and the ugly part of CP and all that we have to let go of.  That to start righting down the good things the hopes and dreams is great.  And I so do believe in the power of a postive mind set.  It is really hard, and I mean really hard to push past it all and just find ways to enjoy the simple things or just to dream of good things...but without our dreams what hope do any of really have.

Maree, my dear friend, I know one thing that has been a great benifit of my accident is that I have learned what, on some level, what you go through everday.  It has brought our friendship even closer because of that, and for that I am ever grateful.  If 2 woman could be soul mates you would be mine lol smilewinkgrin nd not in an odd way for all you wondering minds out there lol.  You have tought me so much about dealing with life and all it has to offer good or bad with such dignity and grace.  Maree you truely are an amazing woman.  The best I have ever know!

Lisa, I totaly agree...and believe you me the couch works just fine for me as well alot of the time! turn   As a matter of fact its looking just fine for tonight lol as I have pushed myself to the limit this last week. Kids are mad though because I told them they have to cook and clean up tonight without mom.  But WHATEVER as they all like to say yeah

Ry... sighs man can i get you on so much of what you said.  I also put on that face with everyone, trying to make them think that im much more capable than I am.  I smile and push myself to the limits everyday and then at night i sit and cry in my bed all alone because I am in so much pain and sometimes just want a hug so bad that I ache. Sometimes I wonder if its better to put on that face or worse because when you cant or just dont feel upto it, you get that sad dissapointed look or that ya right look, I know your faking! Im not sure which one makes me more angry! 

I really do feel for you.  I at least have my children even though sometimes its harder.  I wish so much there was something I could do for you and Palady.

I also spend most of my energy doing what I must and not what I want!  Labor day was the first day that I have, sense my accident, did anything at all besides what I had to do.  It was just really a thought that went through my head I think because I was so angry because I didnt really want to go because I was hurting so bad and just so tired.  And I was angry that I am here with CP when I have worked so hard these last 2 yrs to have my dreams realized!   So I made myself go, I did enjoy myself though and am glad that I went.

I am also the soul provider here as well, so I know that pressure as well Ry and it sucks big time and that is an understatement!  It sometimes feels like the weight of it all will buckle you under.  But we are strong women and we do what we must as long as we can, and at the end of the day I can look myself in the mirror and know I did my best, as I know you do as well Ry.

I hope you know it was not a judgement on any kind towards anyone.  Just a thought and maybe an encouragement to others, and that is something we also have to fight to keep in our lives and hoping that others might have something more to offer up to us all. 

You all take care and thanks so much for all the great post!

Sending you all hugs and happy thoughts tonight and the sweetest of all dreams!

Lara

Posted 9/4/2008 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
Lara,
This is such a great thread you started! I'll post more thoughts one of these nights, but after reading you post I just wished we all could live close to eachother or something. Like all in the same apartment complex, or big house? Then we would have understanding people around us (like ourselves!) and could get a hug and a shoulder to cry on and I bet we'd laugh a lot, too! Not to mention share expenses!

Maybe one day...

PaLady
Posted 9/4/2008 1:48 AM (GMT 0)

Lindaloo, I forgot to add you to the last post and I wanted to say just for the record that taking care of kids is in itself more than a full time job! and most of the time a thankless one at that lol.  So I dont ever want to here that one again tongue   Just a bit of the mom in me that comes out from time to time with whom ever Im talking with lol.  You also brought up another good point and thats we dont always have to go out to have special time or me time just having a hobby whatever it may be is in itself theraputic and an outlit from all the stress that comes with CP.

PAlady....that would be cool to all be together and be there for each other without having to put on airs and I think we would have tons of laughs...I do have to wonder what a state our house would be in lol as we all struggle with being able to get house work done...but then again I quess if we were all sharing expences then we could afford to hire a maid yeah ...Just for the record always wanted a maid lol!  He would be 6'1 dark hair, nice dreamy body and of course he would have to clean in short shorts lol..hey Im all for equalaity smilewinkgrin !

Lara

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply