end of my rope

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for listening to my complaints and worries. This forum has helped me thru the last couple of weeks. I don't know how I would had done it. I had another bad experience at the PM doctor. I went to see him, he asked what I wanted and what I was looking for. He examined me. I told him where the pain was. I told he about the terrible GI symptoms were. He then wanted to set up for a TENS unit, change my meds, put me on Cymbalta, reduce the Elavil that my neurosurgeon just increased. I asked him what I could take for the pain. He then told me that the pysch md at the last PM doc who had seen me for maybe fifteen minutes with answering a questionaire that I shouldnt take pain meds. He then told me I shouldnt have changed my meds that the PM doctor put me on. I told him that I was out of meds 3 days early and that this office wouldnt  allow me to see them and I was working a lot. He said that was not a reason to do that. Honesty gets me no where. I wont bother you guys anymore. I have to live with this pain. I am afraid to go off the neurontin, start the Cymbalta because without something for breakthru, what if it doesnt work. I made an appt with the other PM doctor my PCP recommended. Why dont doctors understand pain? He even made the comment if it was ten years ago that I changed my meds it would be different. How?? My husband thinks I should live with what pain I got and he commented I would be happy if I got a life supply of meds. I also went to the doctor in the morning and that is my best time of the day. By the end of the day my legs are killing me and my back feels like it was run over by a truck. I dont know when I will find that one doctor who will understand, be there for me if I need an answer or support. I pay for healthcare but I have been let down. I am angry that with chronic pain I have been labeled. If I could change things, I would have never got in a car accident, never would have got a lesion on my brain 3 years ago that made me lose my memory. We cant change things but have to keep getting up everyday moving forward. You know it is not even about getting relief for the pain, I need a doctor that will take care of me, understand my history, and want to try to keep me healthy. The path I am going down right now is, I am working so much I am slowly destroying my back and the pain isnt going to get better just worse. I will keep going, care for other people the best way I now how. The next PM doctor I go to next week, I am just going to be honest tell him my history and not even ask for anything. I wont bother any of you anymore Thank You

cshelp

cshelp, I wish that I lived close to you. I would put my arms around you, hold you and give you a long hug. So, before I go on, I do want to offer you a hug:
((((((((((((((((((((cshelp))))))))))))))))))))

I read your post and then reread it again. First of all, please do not say that you won't "bother" us anymore. This is a chronic pain forum. We all are in chronic pain. And we all are all here to encourage and support eachother. I understand how you can feel that way. I feel that way myself many times. I think this forum is such a wonderful place to be. I have personally been blessed many times over by all of you. It feels like family to me. I hope that you feel the same way. I think it is wonderful to be able to share how you feel without being judged or shamed or misunderstood. Please let us be here for you. Please let us help you through this extremely hard time in your life.

I do not understand about your Dr. visit. Why would he not give you anything for pain because of a pysch. questionnaire? I agree with you. Drs. are supposed to help us live our lives as best as we can and as comfortable as we can be. No it is not your fault that you had a car accident. And no, it is not your fault that you had a lesion on your brain that made you lose your memory. No one would have wanted those things to happen to them. But those things did happen. And you are in pain. That is the reality of the situation. Now, you just have to try to find a doctor who will help you to live a better quality of life than what you have. I know that is easier said than done. But there has to be one out there. You should not have to live your life like this!!! Is there any chance of going back to that doctor and trying to explain the situation to him and see if he will be willing to help you? Maybe he didn't slow down enough to sit and listen to the actual reality of what you are saying. You mentioned going to another PM next week. Hopefully he will be able to help you.

Are you in the medical field? Are you a nurse? I was just wondering b/c it said that you are taking care of people every day. Is there any way you can cut down on your hours at all, if even for a short time? Can you schedule a vacation so you can rest and take it easy for a change?

I wish I had something better to say than what I have said. I want to help you. I just wish I knew the "magical" words that would help. I do want you to try real hare to keep your head up. I know it is hard. But you have to keep going. Something has got to change. You have to find an inner strength to keep on trying and not give up until you get some adequate help. You should not be made to suffer like this. I know it is hard. But you have to keep on trying...

Please keep posting as much and as often as you feel like. I know it has helped me alot. And you are not complaining. We all really care about you. I want you to understand and believe that!!! I wish we could give you one really big group hug.

One more thing, when we feel like we've gotten to the end of our rope, it is then when you just tie a knot in it and swing. Keep hanging on. You will make it. And again, let us help you!!

Anice

Post Edited (anice) : 5/30/2009 5:41:37 PM (GMT-6)

Fatherjohn,anice,PAlady,
Honesty is wearing me out. I made a mistake by running out of meds, but I was scared and I told her that. Not one doctor has dug into my past and I thought I had buried it but to dig it up and throw it against me like a rock has really torn the inside of me up. I cant pull myself out of this depression. I told that first PM doc why I ran out and that she dug up my past that was 3 years ago. The doctors were surprised I got better and went back to work as a nurse. Anice, I wish I could take a vacation, but just driving to the doctor 30 minutes away sitting in a waiting room and driving home yesterday, my legs were screaming last night and cramped up all day, they just settled down. I am going to the PM doc here in town so its closer and I set up an appt with the pysch doc I used to see 3 1/2 years ago even before I was hopsitalized. Maybe it will help maybe it wont. Work these days is the only thing that keeps me going. My neurologist told me I needed to take care of myself the way I take care of others but without a good doctor how how can I do that. I wish I could pack up my bags and move away so I know no one, so I could breath, relax and not have a worry in the world LOL Easier said than done. thanks for listening The hugs made the tears roll but tears help sometimes cshelp

cshelp

I wish I could definitely tell you that things will get better for you, but I to, know how Doctors can be sometimes, and I agree it is a shame the way your being treated! I do hope that this next PM and your Psych Doc will be better, and be able to help you. Your frustration is understandable,  but please remember, you are NEVER! a bother to us,  you are part of this family that we are all in,  we do understand and we are here to listen, help and give you support, just as you have done for so many of us!

I do wish you well cshelp and I do hope things start getting better for you!

White Beard

Cshelp,

I too want to emphasize what everyone else has said. You are NOT a bother! It is easy to feel like you are complaining when you need support (I know I do), but you're not. We've all been in tough situations regarding our CP, whether it be an experience with a med or doc, etc, or a physical, mental, or emotional state, or a combination. This is one thing that unites us. We all have different pain, but we all have pain. And in our quest to live a less painful, functional life, we all experience obstacles and disappointments, good times and bad times. This allows for a collective understanding. We are all here because we seek support; we seek support for ourselves, and we seek people in need of support. You, my friend, are in need of support at this very moment. You've been traveling a long and bumpy road, and have just run into another dead end. But please, please keep fighting! We all want to give up at times; depression and disappointment come naturally with CP. But there is always a glimmer of hope, you just have to find it. I know that somewhere out there, you will find a doctor who will listen to you and help you to live a better, less painful life. You may have to go through several to find a devoted doc, but they are out there! So please, lean on us for support and keep searching, keep fighting. As lonely as you may feel, you are not alone! If you let us, we can help you through this! (((((((((Cshelp))))))))))

many hugs,
Skeye

I am seeing a counselor for my depression on Wed. I have mixed feelings because I am at a loss in my life right now, have had bad experiences with pysh doctors. I never believed in antidepressants, maybe I am too hard on myself but I thought I could always pull myself out of a low in my life. This time I cant. My husband yelled at me today because he brought up the fact that I didnt pick up the Cymbalta at the pharmacy. I dont even know if the PMS called it in, he was in such a hurry to get out of the exam room they never asked me what pharmacy I went to. I told my husband that the doctor yelled at me. My husband wasnt supportive, he said I wasnt listening to the doctor. I will pick up the Cymbalta tommorrow. I go see the other pain doc on Monday. I am scared but I cant go back to that other one, I am weak and fragile with doctors right now. I didnt tell my husband I set up the appt with the pain doc. I have to do this on my own terms. My neurologist told me I could see either doctor. I am sorry I havent responded to a lot of threads, I am very sad, tired and have been working a lot. Hope all is well with everyone.
cshelp

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((CSHELP)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lots and Lots of soft HUGZ..
just wanted to says, we luv ya and we know you care, try to get well first
then come back and respond to post when your up to it, we understand and
I hope you can find something to help get you through the depression and give
the cymbalta a try, I'll keep my fingers crossed in hopes that it'll work good for you...
((((((((((((((((((cshelp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Cshelp,
I'm so glad you went to talk to someone and that it seems hopeful. When you comment about setting yourself up for disappointment, I'm not sure what you mean. Therapists aren't magicians, and can't solve all our problems, but can help us find options and solutions that work for us, but it takes time.

I do wonder about waiting so long for the cymbalta. August is over two months away. Did your PM doctor prescribe it? It takes these medications awhile to take effect, and in the meantime (between now and August 11) your depression may stay the same or even worsen. I would talk to the doctor who prescribed the cymbalta, and tell them what your therapist said and see if you should wait. Maybe the two of them could consult with eachother briefly. I just hate to see you depressed when a different anti-depressant may help both your mood and the pain. But you need to make the call with your doctor.

Hugs,

PaLady

cshelp

I have you in my prayers, I have my fingers crossed for you, and I am sending you positive vibes, that all your doctors get there act together, and you start getting the proper treatment! I hope your therapist can really help you, I know what it is like to have trust issues with Doctors.

 Just remember cshelp we are here for you!

I do wish you only the very best!

White Beard

cshelp,

I'll be blunt as usual. The good old days from before the accident are never coming back. The quiet painless evening and the good night sleep are past tense as well. The best you can hope for is that toninght will be more quiet than last evening and that you'll get a bit more sleep than the previous nights. That's reality. The sooner you accept this the easier it will get.

As a nurse you know tbetter than most of us here is no medication, short of doping you up to the point of unconciousness, that will completely take away your pain. There will always be a lingering pain in the background. You'll get accustomed to the meds and will need more ... you know the story. In the end, and I've been there, you're so doped up 24/7 that you're a zombie, almost literally. Your entire body will ache, from the meds mind you, that you long for the old days when it was "just" the pain. You and your husband will break up, you're friends and family will abondon you, etc. Provided of course you don't kill them before they leave (and this happens more often than you think).

Taking that into account, you might understand a doctor's reluctance to prescribe pain meds. I realize all too well that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and there is no relief, not even hope for reinforcements as we say in the military. Yet there is a difference, and I'm not taling symantics here, between incapacitating pain and discomfort. Those doctors, even those who know pain firsthand, will not consider discomfort as "true pain". You say you can still work, thus you are by definition not incapacitated by the pain. It is not that you're literally paralysed by the pain. And although most doctors don't suffer from CP, they do know the effects of too much pain meds.

Every person experiences his or her ain differently. I myself have a high pain tolerance but I'm a succer when it comes down to a toothache. I never had a depression (which surprises my specialist) and thus have really no idea what you go through. I can only tell you that a human being gets used to almost everything, including lasting pain. The only thing I do know about depressions is that it is a bad move for depressed people to stop social interaction. You're not bugging us. We learn from this forum and we draw courage from the sufferings of others (it sounds cruel but it's true, here you realize that there is always someone who's condition is worse than yours).

Keep in touch, please, and keep us posted. If you feel the need to vent, do it here, we all know the feeling and it doesn't bother us; we can all relate.

Take care.

Morgoth,

You hit every point on the button. I used to be a lot stronger, pull myself out a bad spot when down, but now I can't. I dont know what to say to this new PM doctor. Yes, there are days which I say, Why did this happen to me, I felt so good before the accident but BAM. You are right, I need to forget the past, why cant the doctors understand me. I am so tired and have no one to talk to each day. This counselor was very nice, but here comes the paranoia. I am afraid he would tell me I cant perform my job as a nurse. I have to pay the bills, and right now that is what keeps me going in a bad way. My legs are like an alarm clock and scream, "It's time to get up, you are not going to stay in this bed!" I sometimes think what would it be like to not have to go to work, but then I get angry, because the way the pain is controlling me, I wouldn't be able to stay home, because the meds arent working. The neurontin and amitriplyine dont help the pain, they just make me groggy, tired, but the pain still only allows a couple hours of sleep, and this fatigue is pulling me in a deeper hole of my mood. Thank you for giving me a sense of reality.

Fatherjohn,

I am scared, maybe I should call the therapist on Monday before my PM appt. I faxed the records from the neurosurgeon's office, but I didnt fax the pysch records when I was sick. Should I have done this. Is is wrong for me to have a doctor judge me by the cover and just answer questions he has or should I lay it all out on the line? I want to trust the MD. I was straight forward with the new PCP and she still referred me to this PM doctor. I am lost. I want to laugh again. I just look forward to my vacation with the girls at the end of June but if I cant get some help, its going to be a long summer. I want to take them to six flags. They have never been there. i will keep you posted.

Cshelp, I know it is tough trying to make the decisions when inside you are questioning everything. I also know that the darkness of depression crouds out the rays of hope. you can't allow yourself to meditate on the questions. It is ok to make the decision not to fax the report unless they specifically asked for it. If they did, you can take it in with you and explain why you made the decsion to hand deliver it. You still have the chioce. I am not sure what the effect would be but we all have things from our past. I can't even begin to explain how I have overcome the darkness of the past. We do not have to be defined by our past but we must rise above it. You need to believe that you can. There will be setbacks and situations that arise but you still need to push past them. We are here to help encourage you. No one needs to go it alone. Keep hanging in there and I will be looking for an update after your Dr. visit. I will keep you in prayer.Blessings! 

Thank you, everyone I am so scared and dont know what to say to him on monday there has to be a glimmer of hope and light at the end of the tunnel