This is my story.

This is my story. Maybe it will give you hope.

I destroyed my leg playing soccer 6 years ago almost to the day. What followed was numerous operations and severe pain. £Eventually i got a knee replacement and hoped this would lead to an end to my everyday pain. However i sustained nerve damage in hospital when i initally broke my leg. I got conpartment sydrom and and the pain i was in that day i will alway be in. I have had every form of medication and treatment including numerous nerve blocks and a spinal iplant stimulast implant. BASICALLY NOTHING WORKED.

12 months ago i was suverelly depressed almost suscidial. I was off work. I was overweight. I was depply unhappy. I was 32 years old and i did not wish to see my 33 birthday. I was aliginated from my family i.e. my parents and brother. My friends never gave up on me but they had their own lives. I spent all my time alone. I did not sleep much and i hope that something would intevene to stop my misery.

It was at this stage i did a pain management course. I must admit that i had little confidence in this approach. After all this is an admission that my pain is a cychlogical problem, not an actual problem. Further fuelling peoples ignorance in my suffering. For four weeks i attended the course even though i did miss one day as i crashed my car due to the conbinging infulence of no sleep and strong medications as well as speed. At the end of the course i felt like it had been a complete waste of time. We studied how physical activity, coupled with mediation and how to do things the easist way would lead to an improvement in our lives. That accepting the pain is the first step.

I can safely say i am not my pain. I am me. I do have pain, but i am still me. I started going to the gym and doing mediatation regularly 4-5 times a week. I was not long losing weight and started feeling better about myself. I also learned to relax. I have managed to create alot of mental black holes in the last 6 years. problems that i am still coping with through talking to a councillor. I was depply depressed, i still do not love myself becaus eof the pain, when i am in my worst pain i need unreasonable levels of love, yet at the same time i can eat everyones head off that i care about because of this.

I also found love with the most caring, beautiful girl imaginable. I have tried to push her away so often because i can not cope. Yet somehow she is still here supporting me. I hope in time i will get to a level of totally acceptance of my pain. But i have started this journey.

The best bit of advise i can give is that u need to forget miracle cures or treatments, they do not exist. Everytime you get your hopes up and they are then dashed are beyond haert breaking. Accept your problem as off today and work on solutions. Exercise will make you fell happier. Start small and build it up. Don't give up because u had a bad day. Know when to rest. Learn to relax and mediatation will help you control some of those dark taughts. Speak to a trained professional and more importantly never give up.

Hi Sham and welcome to Healing Well. I am so glad you found us and could share your story with us. What a compelling story it is. As you well know pain does not have an age limit and can hit anyone at any time in their life regardless of their age. What a journey you have been on and it sounds like you are may be getting to the end stages of your jouney in many ways.

Everything you wrote rings so much of the truth. Giving up is something we must never do, but many times we do feel like giving up. I know many times I have felt that way, I would just get so disgusted with the whole thing. It really took me a long time to figure out that my life was not over and there were many things I am capable of doing. The very last thing we need to ever feel is that we can do nothing. Its a long road no doubt. But, its like anthing else we do in this life, we just need to sift thru the pieces and put them back together like a puzzle.

I like many others have gone the gambit of hoping that this drug would be the one that would work only to find out it didn't. I was going thru CP and severe crohns at the same time and on this never ending search of finding a drug that would work for each thing. The disappointments were overwhelming.

I do hope that you will continue to post and keep us posted on how you are coming along. You are truly an inspiration and I feel so many of us can learn so much just by reading your story.