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Posted 10/12/2010 11:22 AM (GMT 0)
Things haven't been going as well as I had hoped for this time of year. I expected swelling joints and some increase of pain with the coming winter but had counted on my doctor's help to manage it. My insurance company doesn't want to pay for my medication and would like me to take something that causes vomiting. My doctor refuses to consider putting me on the medication the insurance suggests so I am left in pain while they battle it out. She won't prescribe anything more than tramadol and Vicodin with a fentanyl patch. So I am stuck for goodness knows how long with tramadol and Vicodin. Like so many others my body has become tolerant of these meds and they are working less and less. Still, no new prescription or approval of old. I feel defeated and back to where we were 2 years ago when no one would help because I had no diagnosis.

As I am sure many of you have encountered, this struggle with pain causes my faith to waiver in myself. I see myself beginning to feel unable to provide for my family's needs and unsure of what this level of pain could possibly do for anyone. CP makes me feel selfish, as though taking care of myself first is wrong. If I dont care for the at times ridiculous and embarrassing needs of my body first, I am unable to do things for anyone. When my fiance was working, I was able to hide my level of pain and the day-to-day struggle from him. Now that he sees it, I feel ashamed.

Has anyone ever felt ashamed of their CP and how it affects their faith in themselves? I know I should be in therapy, but have maxed out my visits for the year and must wait for January. I am working with my pastor who has MS and am thinking of starting a support group in our church that meets in video chat or something.

At this point any advice or just a response to know I am not alone would help.

Thanks,

Mindy

Posted 10/12/2010 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
Call your therapist and ask if there is anything he/she could do, as your struggling and need
to get in for a visit...maybe ask for a cash discount and make your next appointment as early in January
as possible...
Yes it's always a very hard struggle, I can't take very strong meds either because of either the
side effects or I throw them up....Maybe it's time you asked about a medication pump..I've been thinking of
it and my psychologist thinks it'd help, but it is surgery...
Your not alone in this struggle...and I think a support group started at your church sounds great...
I think if you do this group that you should also hand out flyers with the suicide hot lines on them as you
never know who's struggling with that, depression and chronic pain can bring up those thoughts and
I've had them, but I think this would be great program for you to start up...good luck and well wishes on that...
I hope you can get a low pain day soon...
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mindy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
healing hugz
Posted 10/12/2010 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
I was just basically in your situation as well. And yes, it does test your faith!
Just last week I knew for a fact that all hope was lost.

Little did I know I had several people praying for me.
The prayers were answered! Out of nowhere a Dr. came into my life unexpectedly.
There is no doubt in my mind that it was divine intervention.

We are all put here for a reason. Your pain as well as my pain has a purpose.
God did not give us chronic pain just to have us turn around and blow our brains out.

I'm sure you've heard of trials and tribulations. My faith was just tested just as your faith is being tested now.
I know it's scary however God is using you for something better.

Don't give up, get on your knees and pray. Pray on your knees every day for three weeks and watch what happens!

Just don't forget about trials and tribulations. Relief is on its way, however I know it will not seem fast enough.

You Will Overcome!
Posted 10/12/2010 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, you're not alone! I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, and I understand where you're coming from. Chronic pain really can test our faith. For me, when I am having trouble, I pray a lot and read the Bible more (even if I'm not up to it). It helps. I do feel like you do sometimes and I think that it's great that you're connecting with others and meeting with your pastor.

You are not alone! I'll keep you in my prayers.

Warm hugs,

Flower
Posted 10/12/2010 9:02 PM (GMT 0)
hey mindy, i can relate to all the life with CP issues you are going through and i know it sucks. the fact you are struggling with faith proves that your faith is there deep down. through our trials our faith is strenghtened and perfected. imprint 1CORINTHIANS 10:13 on the front of your conscious mind and realize you are stronger and have more faith than you feel at the moment with your body sending interupting messages to your sense of reality. also know that you know that G.. has make a way out and claim it and i believe your healthcare providers will do what it takes to get you comfortable daily. best wishes to you and keep fighting the good fight, God bless yeah
Posted 10/13/2010 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
 

Hi Mindy, We do not know one another, but I felt compelled to write after reading your post. I can relate so much to what your going through.

 CP is so very hard, and sometimes I cope better with it than other times. I have Fibromyalgia, and back issues, plus arthritis.

Your meetings with your pastor hopefully will help. I know from the bible that God does allow us to have pain and various trials, and even though we can't make any sense out of it, He has our best interests in mind.

He may be refining you for a very specific purpose! Perhaps to help others going through the same thing, like maybe through the support group you mentioned.  

 Prayer and reading the bible has been life changing for me, I'm not saying everything is rosey now, not even close.    I've just found  the words of the bible are powerful to change us because they are God's Word to us, for us. It has proven to be my best defense in this hard world. 

If you don't mind, can I suggest trying reading the bible out loud, because there is something about  the hearing of the Word that has the power to help us.  I read it for years to myself. Than about 3 years ago me and my DH began reading it aloud together, and all I can tell you is for me, it was transforming!  I began to understand the power, love, and beauty of the Lord like never before. I feel an intimacy with the Lord,  and my DH,   like never before. It has also helped me to understand it so much better, an added bonus that is invaluable.

Just one more thing. Sorry for going on, I never can seem to write just a few lines. Something I need to work on!

CP is not something we desired to get, so try to think of it as something out of your control, therefore you do not have to be ashamed, because you certainly did not ask for this to come into your life. It just did, we live in an imperfect world, and can only make the best of what life brings our way. I pray you can come to termss with this, and that you can know it's not your fault.

Blessings

Debbie 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

 

Posted 10/13/2010 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Mindy,

    Have I mentioned how your strength inspires others? It does. Do you know you are like a beacon of light during terribly dark times? You are. Do you know that the way you interact with others is with such uninhibited kindness that those very same people feel lighter and less burdened after talking with you? They do. All of these things, all of the ways you touch everyone around you is because of who you are on the inside. The inside you has incredible faith, love, knowledge and strength. Faith is but one part that makes the "whole" of who you are. Though your faith is faltering, and you are frightened that it is being shaken... You still have love, knowledge and strength to bring back your faith that you need to make you feel "whole" and "complete".

     Everyone, no matter who they are has a "core piece" of who they are tested at times. For some it is "Strength" for others it is "Faith" or "Life"..... Everyone has dark times through out their life. It is what you do or don't do during those dark times that shapes who you are. You have been through terrible things in your life. Each time you have always found your way back to the place where you belong. You will find your way back again. In doing so you will be able to help someone else get back to the "core" of who they are.

     You will get through this too. In making this post and sharing it with us, you have already helped someone who may be reading your post and feeling the same way. Instead of withdrawing from the world around you, you are here, reaching out to others. There is a lot to be said for that.

     I do hope you are able to have a few days of less stress. I know you must be incredibly tired and exhausted to your very core. Please know you are in our hearts! You mean so much to all of us here.

*warm hugg*
      dani
Posted 10/13/2010 8:33 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Mindy, when did you read my journal?!!!!  Yes, chronic pain messes with everything in my life.  I just got back from the pain management group I see and got my....how did she put it??? *stop. call husband. ask.* Oh yeah, "you just here for your Oxy's and Roxie's?" What! I was there because I have a Syrinx in my spine from C-1 to T-1! What the heck. So, does anyone else feel ashamed? Oh yes, girl! Am I ashamed when I literally can't get out of bed and my hubby has to fix dinner after hours at work? Do I feel ashamed when I've gone so long without shampooing my hair that it's gross? Yes! And all the other things that we need to do for our personal hygiene that doesn't get done? I'm humiliated that the Mailman has to come to my door on occassion and it takes me 10 minutes to get up, down the hall to the stairs (a whole other nightmare), inch my way down a flight of 16 steps and walk across the foyer just to open the door with my hair going crazy and quite possibly the clothes I had on the day before when he had to bring something to me. Oh you bet!! It's humiliating. Have I waivered in my faith? I'm doing so at this very minute. I lost a friendship I thought could never be broken and my heart aches with each moment I don't get to be part of her life which took a dramatic change recently! I wanted so much to be there for her and experience the joy and hope she faces every day, but alas that is not to be. So Mindy, give yourself a break! HE, the God of my creation is there though I wonder often when I can't move without crying out, where HE is...HE's there. He's here, He's with each of us no matter faith we are no matter the differences in belief...it's Him who walks me down the stairs and back up again. All He asks of us is what is hardest for me to give and that is to STOP. STAND STILL. So that we can receive even one small blessing a day.

Be good to you and I will keep you in my thoughts,

Stac/Catz4

Posted 10/14/2010 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
I am moved to tears again. I have been off and on so many times. I write a bit, then when things start to slip when the pain gets bad, I forget to log out or simply shut my computer. I apologize to all for not responding sooner. I know you all understand and probably have been there before.

Chartreux, Jim, Spinal soldier and Flower, Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. The advice you have given is excellent, and I am blessed to have friends of strong faith themselves. It makes a world of difference to know I am not alone and to hear ways that have worked for others. It never feels good to know others have suffered, but for you all to be willing to share with me is truly a gift. Also Spinal, I love that Bible reference and have placed it in all the places I encounter daily to remind myself.

Debbie, You dont need to work on shortening to a few lines. What you wrote is perfect as well as wise and helping me see that I am not at fault. I am always hardest on myself. You are right about making the best of it, but also there are times that mourning what is lost may be healthier for me than ignoring it. I am the type to ignore myself for others. I will get back to being able to make the best of it with faith and time. My pastor also told me that God is never promising to make life easy or to take away our trials, only to give us support, love and knowledge to make our way through it if we seek Him. It helps to know that others understood this well before the light bulb when on over my head!

Stace, LOL about your journal. Thank you for the laugh and sharing. It is comforting to have someone echo so closely how I feel about myself most days. I understand about the stairs too. Between the knee and ankle arthritis to the lowered strength in my abdominal muscles they are daunting on a good day. The reminder that all God wants is to be still and hear him or see the blessings he provides was powerful. In my anger at myself for not reaching my own expectations of mother and wife I lost sight of that. When I take a moment to be still for God, things aren't so bad anymore.

Dani, Have I ever told you that you are amazing? All those things you used for me apply to you dear! I dont know how you continue to say what moves me to see myself in a new light, but you always come through. Thank you.

Paula, Last but never least on my list! You heard what the true issue was in my post. Faith in myself and feeling that the Lord wants my faith and loves me no matter what I do has definitely been the greatest struggle so far. It is hard to see my value to Him when I am not capable of what I may feel is right or what I want to show to others. Thank you for reminding me that He doesn't see us as we see ourselves, and that losing my faith in myself won't help me keep faith with Him.

All of you are an inspiration to me everyday. I pray for each and every one of you. Every knot I tie and twist of the yarn in my prayer shawls are filled with thoughts of you, so that the person wrapping themselves in its warmth can know what it means to be loved and cared for. Although it always feels inadequate, thank you is all I have to give.

Mindy

Posted 10/16/2010 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mindy

I am sorry that your are in pain and your Doctor does not see fit to properly treat you!  You know Mindy it always amazes me,  and also extremely irritates me,  to hear about Doctors that are not willing to use the vast arsenal of weapons they have available to them to treat and combat pain! With all that is currently available to them,  and yet, so many or them,  still refuse to even consider to using them, for what ever their reasons might be!  I think that is a crime! You pay your Doctor to perform a service, and you put allot of faith and trust in him/her, and rightfully so! It is not wrong to  think or to expect, that they will provide you with the best and most up-to-date care  they have available to them!  And Yet allot of them don't!!!!!!  That is wrong!  So very very Wrong!!!! And I am sorry that your Doctor feels that, that is OK to treat his/her patients like that!  Because it isn't!!!! ........ Mindy I do wish you well and Please keep up your faith, sometimes it seems,  that is is all we have left!

 

May Gods Peace be always with YOU!

 

White Beard

Posted 10/16/2010 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
I know I'm late in adding my two cents worth, but I believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
Remember the story of Job? Everything he cared for was taken from him, yet he remained faithful. Then he was attacked physically. His friends sat and stared at him for three days not saying a word. Then they finally say "just curse God and die". Yet, he remained faithful. In the end he was blessed three times over for his faithfullness.
Hang in there. There is a reward in the end.
(((((((((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))))
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