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How do you do housework and cleaning with all the dr appts and daily pains

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Posted 4/27/2011 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
I'm writing on my phone since I don't have internet in my new house yet. Today my mother called to inform me that the things that I have in boxes stink like a dirty house (houseitis, she calls it) and the first few days I was there my new house did not smell that way, but when we could not find my youngest daughters ballet shoes and opened all the boxes to find them, on Friday she said the house smelled bad when she walked in the door. My aunt came over on Sunday to see the house while my brother and brother-in-law came in to move a particularly heavy dresser into my 10yr olds room. I had asked her the night before to pick up her floor, but I had not visually inspected it since then. I had Easter prep that took me well into the night and early church in the morning.
My aunt had looked in the room just before the guys brought up the dresser and had to push things out of the way to open up the door. The floor was covered in clothes and sleeping bags from the sleepover on Thursday night. Instead of telling me she discussed it with my mom who called me.
I'm mortified. The catbox was cleaned the next night because it was trash night, and that wasn't a pleasant smell downstairs, but it shouldn't stink the whole house. My mother suggested to wash every item as it comes out of the boxes. She believes (and so do I) that it is a personal failure of mine for my precious house to have gotten that dirty. A failure of mine that I have not trained my children to keep a clean room, and if it is not cleaned by em for me to get in there and do it.
I don't know how to keep up. How am I to cook meals, go to all the dr visits I am scheduled for (almost one every weekday) unpack the boxes, wash dishes, wash clothes, grocery shopping, pick up the trash and things that my family leaves arround the house, go to church on Sunday and Wednesday (the only activity I regularly go to other than dr visits and grocery shopping)? I am also supposed to work out at the gym, review the kids homework, stay on a diet, do the physical therapy exercises, clean the kids rooms, clean my room, filter out winter clothes from the laundry, make sure their clothes are neatly folded in their dressers, vaccume the carpets and mop the floors, clean under the couch cushions, wipe out the fridge-freezer, and everything else that makes a house run.
How am I supposed to keep house when on some days I spend the whole schoolday at dr visits? How to I keep the family running when sometimes I hurt too much to walk accross the house, let alone clean up?
How does anyone else manage?
Posted 4/27/2011 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Christina-Sorry to hear this but you just moved so I would expect things to be a mess. I'm not sure if you can afford this but I called the people who deliver meals on wheels and got a cleaning woman to come in at half price for $30. a week or every other week for 2 hours. Maybe a family member could help you unpack those boxes and get things sorted? Be gentle on yourself as you can't do everything while having pain. Praying things work out for you. Sara
Posted 4/27/2011 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
Christina,


I feel how overwhelmed you are - and I'm there w/ ya on many days.  I don't have all the answers, by any means. 

I grew up in a neurotically-clean, perfectionist household.  I have been an "over-achiever" all of my life....until I got sick.  This is still my biggest internal battle.  I try to change the thoughts in my mind.... For instance, yesterday - I had a small amount of energy.  It was take the kids to the park or do some things that really needed to get done.  A few years back - we wouldn't have gone unless I got my stuff done.  Now - I have to make choices - and really?  What are the kids going to remember??  The chores I did - or that I did something w/ them? (Probably neither :) - but I digress!)... Anyway, to the park we went.  I sat w/ the babies and the kiddos played.

But life does go on and things do need to get done.  I do things when I feel my "best".... which is usually late into the night.  Mornings are my worst.  For every good day I have (yesterday), I have a "bad" day like today...where I'm just surviving here, still in my PJ's.  But I still try to throw in a load of laundry, etc etc.

I do make my kids do things.  They have to - or we'd be in a HUGE mess.  One - they need to learn for their own life/future.  Next, they need to learn that when there are family issues - ie, mom has health issues - you gotta help out.  We have lots of people here, so the load IS shared among lots of people.  But I still get the grumbling, moan and groans, etc.  But they still gotta do things.  Clean their room, sweep floors, vacuum, windex mirrors/doors, bring down laundry, etc. 

Things are still - by no means - how I used to live.  I want to say - "and that's ok".... but those inner thoughts are still there.  When my parents come over - I still cringe.  I don't know if that will ever change :)  But they raised one child.  I have eight.  I have a chronic illness.  And really?  I don't want to instill any sort of "have to be perfect" in my kids.  We should strive to be/do our best....but perfection is unattainable.  Trust me - I wasted too many years trying to make things look a certain way, and feeling like I was failing....

Oh, one thing we also do is have someone come in 1x per month for deep, deep cleaning - things I just can't do w/ my heart issues.  She is here for several hours and it costs about $75 to $100, depending on our needs.  I know some can't do this..... really, we can't technically afford it either w/ a family of 10.... but we pull back in other areas. 

There are others here who will probably have more concrete ideas.  I have 1000 other thoughts, too, but I gotta run for now.  But I just don't want you to feel so hard on yourself.  Do the best you can....that's really all you can do.  That's all any of us can do, right?

Take good care. --Tina

 

Posted 4/27/2011 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Christina, do you qualify for ssdi because you can have someone come in to clean and help with dinner, if not my only advise is to pace yourself, floors on monday, suting on tuesday etc, that is the only way  I can do it.  I am sorry things are so hard and would love to say It will get better but with out help I am afraid things are just hard.  It sucks I know so pace yourself..

 

Posted 4/27/2011 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Christina,


One more thought - I didn't even mention about moving.  We've moved, too, since I've been sick (actually to Colorado and back to California).  That's even more work and even more exhausting - and even more reason to not be too hard on yourself.  Just do a box at at time and try to look upon each thing you do as a success - instead of the bigger picture of how much you still have to do. 

I don't mean to minimize things - and, again, I'm sure others will have good ideas.  I know how hard it is. 

--Tina

Posted 4/27/2011 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christina, I hope I never have to move because it is so labor intensive. I just could not do it and I don't have to run after children here. I always tell people if you are coming for a visit remember you are here to see me and not my house, now if you want to see my house better wear some old clothes because you will need to clean it to see it, lol. This of course discourages many people from coming over and gives me more time to putter at my own speed. I sometimes bribe my grandchildren to vacuem or dust for for me. Hubby does most of laundry because stairs are not my friend.
Posted 4/27/2011 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for giving me some good ideas. I really can't blame the move, because my house was a mess before I ever moved. I just have no idea on how I am expected to keep up. Pain and fatigue are on me daily, just on different levels. The number of hard days are growing I have tried to convince my husband to let me hire a cleaner once a week or wvery two weeks, and he just keeps saying no. I can see his point, with the new house payment, not selling the mobile home yet, not having the new job just yet, it is not the time to add an unnecessary bill. He doesn't see how necessary it is.
Posted 4/27/2011 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
I just got home, I was responding with my phone waiting for my oldest to come out of her appt. I got home and my husband was there for 20 min, he finally got the trash out, but still didn't rinse the dishes I asked him to do at 9:15 this morning before he left at noon. I asked him to do it because I have been asking the kids to scrape and rinse each dish and put it in the washer unless it is running or clean. Last night it was empty, but I had not gone in to fill it yet, (can't get the girls to load dishes) and he dumped green beans and sauce all over the dishes in the sink and just set the bowl in! I was livid when I saw it this morning! I had been keeping up on the girls, and we don't have a diposal, so its not an easy cleanup job. He also left the paper tray with last nights meal (frozen chicken) on the stovetop instead of putting it in the trash. Granted, he goes to school and maintains a full time job, and I could not do the things he does, but he did not have class or work yesterday and I hurt yesterday. He read his textbook while I drove kids to/from school, went to psy appt, picked up frozen food, sorted, folded clothes, ran laundry, figured out what was wrong with the washer, put away my clothes from boxes and bags, made sure my sick middle child was drinking and taking meds. I got dinner going and went to bed.
Right now I'm at home because I decided not to go to church tonight. I have pinich nerve pain in my right elbow down my arm into my wrist and hand and into my first two fingers. My fingers and thumb on the other hand hurt too (joint ache) and my knees and ankles hate the stairs on my bi-level house. They really ache, and pinch under my kneecaps.
What I want to do is go to bed where it is soft. I'm upset and overwhelmed and hurt and fatigued and the only way I know to get away from nerve pinch is to be asleep. BUT I have a house that needs cleaned and unpacked and it just doesn't seem right to leave it and go to bed. That's how my previous house got so messed up. I would do everything I could, everytime someone would call to see if I could do something I couldn't because I had to clean, but I could never clean enough to catch up, and the days when I couldn't the house would be destroyed. I mean like 2 day old spaghetti sauce on the white kitchen floor destroyed. I would get sick and be in bed for two days and not want to get better because I didn't want to see what I would walk out to.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I have to come out with a plan, because I don't want to have it be as bad as it was before. I really don't see a way out other than just working harder at it, but then I know I can't do that forever- there is a reason why I am concidered disabled. I am unable to persist at work, in and out of the home. I fall apart.
Its just not fair. But if the kids said that I would tell them that there aren't many things that are.
Posted 4/28/2011 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Christina,

I'm sitting here as I quickly shove down dinner.... and your post made me sad :(  I completely get so much of what you are saying.  I wish there was more that I could say to make it better - but I really do know what you are saying.

My husband does "help"....and I'm grateful for that.  I try really hard to be appreciative.  But the load at home definitely falls on my shoulders.  If I end up in bed for a couple of days - I end up with a mess in my house, too.

So - in terms of knowing what you are saying - I get it.

Re: practical things - I would just try really hard to get as organized as possible while unpacking.  Have everything have a home - and encourage everybody to put things back to their "home" (as much as possible) after use. 

Other things that work for us (and - again - I don't have all of this solved...it's an ongoing thing):  We use paper plates when everyone is home.  I know not all agree w/ that....but it's what works.   We are feeding 10 at each meal, and sometimes more w/ neighbor kids, family, etc. 

--We do a general clean-up each night; nothing major - put things get put aways.  It messes with my depression to wake up to a major disaster.  So things are generally put away... and if I'm too sick to do it - I just direct the others to do it (we use lots of "lists" in my home).

--Again, we use containers....baskets (like we have a shoe basket, upon entering, for the kids)....etc etc to keep things "contained".  That way - in a hurry, bad day, etc - everything can be thrown back to their places....

That's a start.  There's a zillion other things, and there have been lots of other ideas written here on the board before.  You might use the "search" thing here and look up past posts.


But more than anything, I empathize with your pain/health - and how hard it is to maintain a household and "normal" way of life.  I guess it's just finding the new "normal".

By the way - and I'm sorry I forgot - how old are your kids??

Take care, Christina.  Thinking of you.

Posted 4/28/2011 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much. It really does hep for you to "get it" . My girs are 6, 10, 12. So much to learn. I guess all I've really learned is what it won't be anymore, not what it will be.
Posted 4/28/2011 10:54 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know about anyone else Christina but I don't. It's as simple as that. With a partner and daughter that both have ADD it's a never ending battle to stay on top of everything. I have learned over the past 10 years, with a lot of help, that my situation is unique and to stop comparing myself to others. I am a neat freak/prefectionis and it kills me that my house looks the way it does. We have two big dogs and there is hair everywhere. I'd put them outside except they are such a part of our family and one has the instincts of a service dog. They give me comfort so they stay in.

There has been a time or 10 when I can't take it anymore and I will ask a dear friend or someone for help. The last person that helped me I got by calling a Womens Abuse shelter and just asking if they had anyone that needed to earn a little money on the side (minimum wage). It worked out for both of us. After a few months I had to end it because of the tight budget we're on. But I agree with everone else that if there is anyway you can get help, even once a month, then do it. Having that burden taken off your shoulders makes your mind, body and spirit feel so much better.

As far as what everyone is saying to you, advice is cheap. It took me a long time to be able to put that into practice and it still bothers me every now and then. Until they stand in your shoes don't listen to them. My mother is 93 and still going strong. She totally out does me. That makes me feel so down at times. That's when my PCP comes in handy. All she does is simply reminds me that I am not my mother. I get hurtful things told to me all the time. Not only by others but by my own family. It's sad but true. That's why I was so happy to find this forum. Here there are others such as yourself to say it's o.k. to have a stinky dirty house as long as you are doing your best. To validate that your hurt and anger are warranted. All of us are experiencing exactly what you are so it has to be right?

The move is over. Things will eventually get back in some type of order. It may not be perfect in anyones eyes but that's o.k. If they really don't like it give them the opportunity to fix it...LOL...your goal is to take care of yourself first so you can take care of your children then husband (he's an adult, he'll manage). Everything else is a perk.

My heart goes out to you and everyone else in this forum that can relate to what you said. It's times like this I wish I would win the lottery.

Venus
Posted 4/28/2011 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
I have some perspective this morning. Found the stink- a gas leak in the stove! I'm now glad that my mother brought it up because otherwise I might not have found it for a long time and it was dangerous. Disconnect the stove and the smell is gone.
Husband finally washed the dirty sink he created.
Still hurt, but mornings feel diffrent than evenings and are easier for me to handle. I'm calmer now.
The house will come together in time and the stink wasn't coming from the boxes.
Thank you for the compassion, and I see the psychologist that my pm requires later today. More perspective and possibly a local outlet for help.
Thank you so much.
Christina
Posted 4/28/2011 3:30 PM (GMT 0)
Christina....

Glad you found a new perspective today :)  Sometimes, that's what it takes for me, too (a new day and a new outlook).

Glad, too, you found the gas leak!  That's scary.... and that smell IS awful :) 

Have a good appointment today.... and glad you are feeling a little better.  Take care of yourself and don't push too hard.

--Tina

Posted 4/29/2011 1:32 PM (GMT 0)
Christina, one thing I try to do is pace myself. If I need to stop and rest then I do that. You may want to start out by setting small goals too. Our home is way too big for two people and I want so badly to sell it and move into a one story home but my husband will not hear of it. By the time I make it through the house its time to start all over again.

Take care.
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