Almost forgot it was my birthday!

I almost forgot that today was my birthday until I got all kinds of email messages from the forums I am a member of. (Some of which I am hardly active in any more!) My dad and boyfriend both wished me a happy birthday, obviously, and so did my sister. My memory is so bad that I typically forget my actual age and have to double check. (who does that? lol!)

Since I posted before, I made an appointment with a Social Security office to apply for SSI. I have people telling me to apply for this stuff ASAP, and that I have already waited a long time. Meanwhile, I also have people telling me that I will need a much bigger paper trail saying specifically how I am disabled. It makes me wonder if I should have waited to make this appointment until after I saw another Neurosurgeon.

I just feel like I keep putting off applying by saying 'I should wait to see what s/he said'. It's going to be a year since this started come December, and I have very little to show for it. My pain level is the same, I have no job, and I live at home and don't attend classes anymore. It'd be nice to at least have a shred of my own income, so that I can at least pay for some of my own things.

I'm just nervous about applying for SSI and what not because I hate the thought of people judging me. I have social anxiety and what not, and I tend to obsess over others' view of me. So it is making me nervous to think about having to fight for this because no one thinks I am 'old enough' to be disabled or something. It would be one thing if my doctor seriously gave me a good outlook and said I could get a surgery and be fine in a year. He didn't say that. He said he couldn't recommend surgery due to my scoliosis complications, and so now I have to wait to see a deformity specialist.

It's just a big marathon to even get a prognosis, let alone any help. Now I feel like I should of waited to make this appointed with SSI, yet at the same time I am anticipating that this new doctor is just going to give me the same answer as everyone else has. Only this time it will have taken months to get that answer. It's just really frustrating, and my heart & mind goes out to anyone dealing with CP or disability of any sort. I'm glad I have a home right now, because if I was on my own I have no idea what I would have become of me while I waited to try and see if I could maybe some day get help...possibly.

Thanks Heather.

That is what my primary care doctor told me too. That I can always go back and withdraw the application, if I really needed too. So I guess that is good enough, considering that I do know I can't work right now and I am getting some input from doctors saying that the condition might not really get much better. It's just frustrating and makes me feel anxious and sorta depressed. I just keep wishing for a more definite answer or something.

Hey Patrick, I wanted to wish you a *late* HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I do hope it was a good one with a lower pain day as well. I think you are doing the right thing by applying for SSI. I have been struggling with starting the process myself and I feel much the same way as you do. So I haven't started it, but people tell me I should. I don't know why I feel guilty...like I don't deserve it and also worry about being *judged*. I worked for many years as a nurse and had a great income, but now I am a stay-at-home housewife and I feel like my husband has to work much harder to provide for us. It's not fair to him and I really NEED to have my own sort of income to help out...or just make me feel more useful. So I totally understand where you are coming from.

From what I understand, most people do get denied at first....so hang in there and be strong. You DESERVE it, Patrick. I am sure I will follow suit in the very near future. Take care and keep us posted.

Happy Birthday to you, you are not alone in not remembering how old you are, I to have to double check although I do tend to guess under not over my age.  After that I am very thankful to have made it to 58.  I mean what the alternative, not good.

I would like to give my 2 cents about SSI, you do need a paper trail, it really helps.  I also recommend a SSI lawyer, I applied the first time without one and was turned down flat.  I found a lawyer who only does SSI, the thing is, at least in Maryland, the lawyer wont take your case unless they think they can win.  They only get paid if you get paid.  My lawyer was great, he got me back pay, pay for my youngest daughter who was 17 so I got a check for her for a year, he enrolled me in medicare and then sent me $2,000. that the SSI people had overpaid him.  A very honest man.  He did all the leg work, met with me the day before the hearing, told me what to say, what to answer if asked certain questions.  Less than 2 weeks later I received an award letter, a very large check for myself and my youngest daugther.

So good luck to you, definetly need to start the process ASAP.  Take care and again much luck to you, please remember, this is not a hand out, you have worked and paid into SS for you entire working life.  And believe me, you will not get rich on the amount you are awarded, you deserve every penny.  If anyone dares judge you, tell them to walk in your shoes one day, just one day, they wont be so quick to judge then.

Take care,

Kat