Now the waiting game begins....

I miss Maine and the rest of northern New England. We lived for 4 years in New Hampshire. The last time, we lived in Tamworth, about 15 miles east of the North Conway area. It was pretty close to Freedom, ME. Prior,
we lived in Wolfeboro, NH, right on the lake. Some of the best years of my life when I lived up there.

We would mostly do big shopping in Portland, ME, and always went to the beach at Kittery Point, ME.

Ah, the good old days, sigh.

David

Would trade this heat for your cold anyday, consider it a deal

No doubt about that, rose. After 38 plus years, couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Still feel the same way that I did when she was 18 and I was 21.

david

Wow, I knoow Laconia, Gimanton, and Plymouth NH very well. Went to Laconia often, even worked there one. Wow, Tamworth is so tiny, small world. We lived right on the Bearcamp River, which passes right through Tamworth on old highway 25. We owned a colonial there, that was the childhood home of the woman, can't remember the name, that wrote books like "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm".

david

I loved living in NH, not sure I would have actually liked living in ME or Vt, but both wonderful states to visit.

david

Sunday Update

Think everything I have been keeping inside myself got to me today. Hate to admit it, that I got very emotional and broke down and had a cry. If you only knew how unsuall that was for me, because I have had to tough out so much for so long now. Just tired of what I have been fighting the past 4 years, and what might be lying ahead for me. With these tests outstanding, I may or may not be facing a rapid terminal situation. Not saying I am, but I could be, depending on what is discovered.

My prostate cancer is also a terminal situation, but the prognosis there, is more in the lines of another 3 to 5 years. I have been through a lot of terrible side effects, complications, and pain - all in the name of "treatment", and thus far, I have failed at every step of the way.

Perhaps this is a vent of sort, but I am human too, I am not some man of steel or super hero. Trust me, I hurt the same as the next guy. I can't imagine having a single waking moment when I am not hurting somewhere, despite the pain meds I am on. Yes, my doctor could easily up the meds, but then at some point, I would be sitting around feeling drugged up, instead of feeling alive. Kind of a catch 22 situation.

Sorry I unloaded all this. My situation will not prevent me from trying to help others, I would be inclinded to keep on helping until the very end. Just the way I am by nature.

Don't mind me, I will get over this "low" moment, this has been building up for weeks.

david

Thank you, Jane. I am not use to venting for myself, I am use to encouraging others to be the "ventor". My wife did help me get through this today. Not to sound sexist, not my intent, but often men are expected to be the "tough one", and usually I am.

I was driving home Friday from a legal meeting (which went well), and I started tearing up for no obvious reason. Again, I think I may have more bottled up feelings than I realize or normaly admit. Here, at HW CP, I have come to trust your folks, and feel that the support I give is both honest and heart felt. Nothing is worse than insincere sympathy. Sure you know what I mean by that.

This morning, this happened right after we changed out my urostomy device, and for once, it ended up being a little bit of a painful event, which is not normal. I honestly think I am simply tired of everything have to be associated with pain - old pain, new pain, etc. Sure everyone here can understand that sentiment.

As far as my wife goes, we first met when she was 16 and I had just gotten out of the service and was starting to go to college. I thought she was pretty and interesting, but with her being 16, there was no thought on my end of dating. We met again 2 years later, through a mutual friend, and went out for the first time. To make a long story short, we got married 11 weeks and 3 days after that first date. And have been together ever since. It was pretty much "love at first sight", if you believe in such things. I think what makes the difference, and I can only speak for myself, is that we are "best friends" first, I think that really helps in a relationship. We don't believe in the old 50-50 approach, we believe in 100-100 approach to each other.

Without my wife and family, I would have little natural interest in continuing to fight these medical battles of mine and would be more prone to want to give up. But I have a lot of people needing and depending on me, so on goes the battle.

I do feel better this evening, emotionally speaking. Perhaps it was a good thing that I broke down earlier.

Thanks for caring,

David

P.S.

To clarify what I really meant in the original post, I didn't mean that I personally failed the treatments, meant that every treatment has failed to stop the cancer. The surgery failed within 9 months, and the blotched radiation job failed as well. Due to the aggressiveness of the cancer, the radiation was only given a 10-20% chance of working in the first place. However, I didn't expect to be perm. damaged as the result of undergoing it. Hope that clears up that point.

david

David

I am so glad you are feeling a bit better. I know, on a personal level, If I have a good cry I tend to feel as though a weight has been lifted off me. I think we all need to let it out. Pain does that to you too. I think when you bottle everything up,pain seems worse too. That may have been the reason why changing your urostomy device hurt as it did. No wonder you are tired of everything. Anyone in your situation would feel that way. I think it is amazing you show no anger. Anger is pointless, it achieves very little, but you would definitely have the right to feel anger .

Thank you for sharing your story of meeting your wife, that was lovely. I met my husband at a church badminton club when I was twelve. I was paired with him and I was so bad, useless in fact, that he moaned and sighed through the game. My friend sent him to apologise and that was it - love at first sight. We have been together since. He has been with me through all my failed knee surgeries and my back problems, never complaining. I feel blessed to have him.

I know that the support and advice you give is from the heart, I could see that from the beginning. I feel that from most people on HW. You can be sure that you have a huge support network here, everyone, and I mean everyone, is rooting for you and hoping for the best. But no matter what David, we are here for you. You can vent here as much as you need.

I have just been out for a birthday lunch with my husband and daughter. The weather, for once, is warm and sunny. I feel so contended and happy, it's good to feel like this!! Hope you are having a good holiday weekend.

Take care

Jane

David
We are praying for you and I added you to our churchs prayer list.

You have been our rock of support and there is nothing wrong with letting loose. We have been there at one time or another

David we are here for you. Keep us updated, please.
Betsey

Sounds like you had a horrible night David. Living with that sort of pain is not an option. No matter what the results it sounds like you will need some sort of pancreatitic medication to help these episodes.

Hopefully today will bring the awaited results. We will be here waiting for you when you feel up to sharing. I have everything crossed hoping for a good result. I think you will be in everyone's thoughts and prayers today.

Take care

Jane

I think 2pm will be 8 o'clock this evening for us in the UK, I will keep checking. I can imagine your anxiety will be at boiling point. Thinking of you.

Jane

 

      ...were all waiting along side of you David. I know it must be hard to have to wait like this. We all care...sincerely care...and hope the news is good.

    SE

Sending prayers.