Well, hello again, FRIENDS. This is EJD, the one who began this thread. I haven't posted in quite some time, and honestly - I need a bit of encouragement. Gosh, is that difficult to say. Pretty soon, it will be FOUR YEARS I have been in this bed, looking at this ceiling, now 21-22 hours every day. The other two or three hours I spend in the rocking chair in the living room. That's pretty much my existence; As I mentioned above, nearly four years ago (April 3, 2010) I taught for the last time - O, my wonderful students to whom I was teaching College Preparatory Biology. I wept some silent tears today, for the people and job I miss so greatly. At 43, I had been the Science Department Chair for a decade! (perhaps because no one else wanted the job?!
) I loved influencing the educational program in our district (that is, until my last principal assumed the helm of our once academic flagship school.) His STATED the reason for being in his position of principal was to ensure FOOTBALL received the financial resources it so richly deserved, for "The primary reason we are all putting in time at school everyday, suffering through this crappy job we all hate with brats who cannot be controlled, was for the thrill of those Friday Night Lights, cheering fans in the stands, and the reason we endured the week - FOOTBALL!") That was his attitude and his actual words (as another teacher recorded, and many of us listened to), as best I can remember. PRIOR to that, I made the stupid decision to tell him privately (and I stressed I wanted to keep it private) that after coming back from a rare missed day of school, I had been diagnosed at Johns Hopkins with ADULT Scheuermann's Kyphosis, (my mid-back pain being caused by the complete loss of 11 thoracic discs causing 11 pairs (22!) spinal nerve roots to be crushed.) That was added to my earlier diagnosis, I went on, at WVU Research Hospital of having Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I confided this to my principal at lunch time, and by the end of the day, multiple teachers AND STUDENTS came up to me to tell me how awful my diagnosis must be for me, etc. Yep, my HIPPA protection out the window. I found out later how I was the ongoing joke in the administration (that principal, and additionally, 2 VP's and two sec., and three years later, an enormouse office with Cable TV, Refrig, Microwave, spotless desk (no work to do) and multiple plush chairs... Whose office? The new Athletic Coordinator! After all, he had labored for 3 years "teaching," and this is what it's all about
- "FOOTBALL!" I was the butt of their jokes... not only due to my academic seriousness, but also because of my physical suffering. My last three years (07-08, 08-09, 09-10) my administration tried to make h_ll for me, in so many ways - the cruelest people I've ever known. But when I was in my classroom, door shut, not one student misbehaving but interested (though more than half should never have been in a College Prep class!) I still loved them all. How I miss teaching - even with the abuse I received from my principal and his pals - I miss that world within my classroom. Today, if I tried, I couldn't make it through a class period, my inoperable pain is so great. Yet, recently I've been dreaming, 2-3 nights every week, that I'm back at my blue chalkboard (how cool!)
teaching as I did for 22 years. Does anyone else feel their productive, interactive lives seem over? I do trust that God has a plan. But He hasn't let me in on what it is for these four long years, since my State and the Nation have found me to be disabled. Has anyone else experienced the loss of nearly every friend - even those thought to be "close" friends, no calls or single sentence messages to inquire how I'm doing? All of them gone, except 2 or 3 who have been faithful friends.
In four years, my dearly loved and deeply missed sister, a nurse who lives 15-20 minutes away, and my bro-in-law whom I love greatly, and my most precious nephews - who are young men, now; My only sibling and her family have cut me out of THEIR day-to-day lives. They've never initiated a phone call or text or email - not once in four years - from any of them to my cell or house phone. No one is that busy, are they? I even tried sending a text to my sister again, just two days ago - not a word in it about
my own anguish. Not a syaball in response. If they only knew how a call, however infrequent, would lift this horrible, gray fog that has settled over my life. I just don't comprehend how all four of those I love most in this hate-filled world, have come to hate... no, that word isn't strong enough... abhor with vehement disgust, me. If my last principal, who I know hated me, were in the same condition I am, fighting with all my strength to hold myself together, as my body throbs in profound, unrelenting torment, up and down my spine, and the shooting nerve pain within my muscles, such excruciating pain, I thought a man would pass out, unconscious, before experiencing this level of pain - I never knew it was possible to endure this (and what motive would I have to exaggerate to you, my friends who ALL, also suffer.) I'm no special man, no saint by my own works, but I'd call that man, my principal, if I knew he was in this condition - just out of common human decency... anyone would have their heart caught in their throat, as they tried to help, in some small way to alleviate his suffering, no matter how evil he once was. I don't know if I'm conveying what I was trying to get across. Yet my own... O, my own family refuses to even ask me a simple question, "How are you making out physically today? I sincerely wish I could help you." Then an honest hug. But I'm just dreaming. Why don't they care about
what has torn my beloved job from me, and has nearly caused me to lose my mind, due to the never-ending pain. I guess what I'm really asking is why does my physical anguish cause people I love... to stop loving me? I'm living with my Father (87) and my Mother (83.) My kind, and other-centered mom talks to me, whenever I need to talk. I'm extremely down, emotionally, these days. She also gives me my breakfast and lunch, so lovingly, although she is not well. It scares me so very much - who will talk to me, when they are in heaven, through the Cross? Only they truly love me, and one amazing cousin. I sincerely pray :pray: that I'm called home soon, before them. My heart is too weak or too soft - call it what you like - to live without family or family's assured love. I'm NOT suicidal! Lol My faith teaches me that is breaking one of the commandments. But I feel, deep in my bones, it's not far off... and I'm happy about
that! I believe that Christ purchased my freedom from eternal judgement on Calvary, and when I rested in Him, I was born-again! My name IS written in the "Lamb's Book of Life!" God's love doesn't waver - Heaven is my ultimate home. Do I have any friends out there who understand what I mean, that I cannot live without my family's love? I'm speaking of my sister and her household... that's why I pray to go before my Mother and my Father. Anyone understand my heart? My abundant love to you all. I so hope someone writes back! :D God Bless, EJD