Just wanted to say "Hello"....

Hi Everyone! I've commented on a few posts the past couple of days, but thought I'd make a new post to give an 'update' (if anyone is interested! lol).

Emotionally (and physically), I'm still struggling. Even though I still cry every day, at least I'm not crying every hour now. Still missing Robert terribly. Grief sux. Today it is 2 months since he died - I had been doing 'ok', but out of nowhere, the past week has felt like the first few days all over again. I want to remind everyone again - do NOT taking anyone you love for granted. Tell them (and SHOW them) every single chance you get, how you feel. If you've lost touch with someone you once cared about - pick up the phone, send a text or an email - just to say "Hi". You may never have another chance. Regret and guilt are two of the most horrible feelings one can have - and it makes it much worse when death prevents you from ever fixing it. Ok, enough of that.

Looks like I'll be having surgery on my clavicle. The bones are trying to heal - there are little 'poofy clouds' on my x-rays that show that the two ends are trying to get together again - but there is still just too much distance between the two and my Dr. feels that I'll end up with a large lump when the healing is finally complete. 'The Hunch-Chest of Notre Dame' I'd rather not be! So in about 2 weeks we'll probably decide when/if to do the surgery. He'll put a screw in the two ends and screw them together. It's a fairly new procedure - the 'old' way involves a plate and screws. The problem with that procedure (and the reason for the new approach) is that many times, the screws come loose and/or they end up poking through the skin. No thank you! I'm just dreading another surgery. Besides my ARD, which causes me to develop abnormal scar tissue after surgery, I've also had problems coming out of anesthesia the last couple of times, and also post-surgical pain control was a nightmare. So I'm really not looking forward to more surgery. Right now my pain is only partially under control. Even with my pain medication, I stay at around a 6. He's added Soma, so now we'll see if I can at least get some sleep - I manage about 15-20 at a time, just cannot stay comfortable. The broken collar bone causes shooting pain that goes up my neck and down my arm. The collar bone lies across a muscle and nerves, so the broken ends are constantly 'poking' those and the pain can be totally unmanageable at times. I also fractured my tail bone in the accident and there's no treatment for that, except time.

Anyway, there is a (kinda) short update on what's been going on with me. I hope everyone here is doing well - or at least as well as you can be doing! Lol Have a peaceful day all.

Post Edited (Splashdancer) : 4/11/2014 12:09:29 AM (GMT-6)

Hey Splash been wondering about you and how you were. I understand the bad and badder days of grief,one forward,two back and it may be some time yet until you can say good and better days. And you know what Splash? Thats okay. Grief is healing,healthy and perfectly normal,no your not losing your mind!! When I lost my husband in a horrible accident 22 years ago at 35 I thought I would not survive the grief with my sanity intact and I healed. When I lost my infant daughter 4 years later I knew I wouldnt survive without losing my mind!! Yet somehow I did. Nothing your doing,nothing your thinking,nothing your not doing is wrong. Your mind will heal however it can,your heart may never stop being broken but it will go on beating.

I know had it not been for a grief support group run by Hospice getting past the guilt would have taken much longer. Yes accident or not I still was riddled with guilt,somehow in my mind If I had been in the car with him he wouldnt have died,in my mind if I had done this or that she wouldnt have died. The group was great,no one denied me my guilt but showed how to channel it rationally,how to say all the things I didnt get to say to him before he went away.

As humans in nature we live our busy lives,we go to work,we do all the things to start familys and everything to take care of them. We get caught up in life and we assume the people we love and care about know we love them. We hug them on holidays,we hug them during tragedy we let those times get fewer and far between as we grow older and comfortable together in our lives. We shouldnt.

I tell my teen every morning when she steps out into this big ugly world that I love her and I pray that I will have the chance too again tomorrow but you and I know that might not be. So yes, grief almost destroyed me but it taught me too!!

I hope that by reading your words,my words that everyone that stops to read here today tells one person that they havent told lately how important they are to their lives.

Ive thought about asking Peter if we could have a forum added. A sort of garden of memories thing because memorials and writing them are part of the healing and HW has many forums that have caregivers and covers diseases that are terminal. Its therapeutic to have a place to go to when grief takes hold. What do you think? What does anyone think? Is it something members could and would use?

Im sorry your even having to consider surgery this soon into your loss,your body is still struggling under the weight of your grief and healing may be slow so leave it for as long as you can. Be good to yourself and keep us posted when you can.

Hey Vickie! I just now saw your post - I really want to respond to it but I'm exhausted and am going to try and get a bit of sleep. But I will be answering you when I get up. I did want to say two things real quick - thank you so much for what you said, I needed that.....and also - YES, I think your new forum idea is fantastic! 'Talk' to ya later. Have a peaceful day.