Unhappy anniversary

Just a vent, no need to worry over my ramblings. I just have to get this out, maybe then it will quit slamming around inside my head. I am sure you guys will understand.

Tomorrow will be a year since I fell and screwed up my life. I have made extremely limited progress in healing. It has gotten worse in some ways. I still cant raise my arm without screaming out in pain, pull open the fridge door or hold a cup in my hand with any security. Gravity kicks my butt quite often. This year has been so difficult. So many changes.

I don't think there has been but a dozen nights where I actually slept more than 4 hours. Finding a position for comfort is simply impossible. I have been called a drug seeker (taking no meds at the time), accused of faking, yelled at for not healing, told I was just trying to get out of work (while I was still working) and that my symptoms make no sense. I am just so difficult. I have attended almost one hundred painful pt sessions, repeated been shot in my shoulder and elbow, given two medicines which my body impressively rejected, endured exhausting exams and suffered two procedures which were so barbaric they required me to be knocked out. I have this uncanny ability to pass every test they give me which just confuses them more; but frustrates me the most.

Next month I hope to have the answer. A top rated specialist is just two states away. I believe this is finally the right diagnosis, yep, and just my luck the treatment is hit or miss. More pt or surgery to remove muscles and bones, risking further nerve and soft tissue damage. Few patients reclaim their original lives, or anything close.

I don't know what to root for...should I be happy if he says "yes it is" or terrified if he says no. Neither answer will be good. The only consolation to a "yes it is" is that I would at least know and have it on paper. I would simply have a name for the monster. But that would also be sentencing me to a lifetime of agony and disability. A no would send me back into the 'what the heck is going on" rollercoaster, which so far has been just a ray of sunshine.

I am just so utterly sad tonight and disappointed. I am tired of the pain, tired of trying. I couldn't even pull the blanket around me without excruciating pain. My humor is super model thin right now...almost as thin as the remaining thenar muscle in my hand. I am deformed and it will only progress. This monster is just going to chew up more and more every day, no matter what I do. This is my life now, and it sucks. I sincerely thought I would be better by now. I mean seriously, who falls down and cant get back up after a year? I could have replaced a hip and been dancing by now, I could have grown a human being, finished half an associates degree, or built a house.

Instead I sit here with a new jigsaw puzzle completed, more than a foot of snow outside and sadness weighing me down as I try to ignore the muscle cramps, the firebolts racing through my neck & shoulder and all the screaming from my finger tips to my forehead. Tomorrow will be better, it has to be.

Happy anniversary.

These milestones and anniversaries are always difficult times no matter how many you pass. Its like a loss of a loved one and the reflection of their time. We also grieve for the life we had before the CP. It certainly brings so many changes to adjust to and through the years I have many times wondered how I survived them along with the pain but this too will pass and as you move on to another stage of that grief and this journey you will get back to the fight to be the best you can be,simply put anger and determination will replace the sadness. Its the way we are built. The key always is to not allow the pain and problems with CP to define and rule you but rather you take control and define it,you learn how to put it in its perspective place in your life and thoughts just as we do with all things.

Venting,clearing the air,admitting that some days yes it's bigger than you is all ok and healthy as long as you don't linger there long and come back to fight another day.

Healing thoughts to you this night.

daesin. here for you. sending many healing thoughts. i no longer sleep because the pain in my shoulders, and i am sick of the alien too......

Daesin,
I just wanted to tell you, when I read your post I literally was in tears crying for you. I felt so sad and so overwhelmed by your words, they really hit home for me. Some were of my thoughts, my past battles with the beast, my words of utter devastation............. it just took me away!
I am so so sorry for what you are having to go through and what you are dealing with. The "anniversary" is really just a calendar's reminder of how long and how far you have or haven't come with your illness/injury. It's just plain scary ain't it!
I can only say this, I try not to look back at all and just try to focus on today. I can't focus on tomorrow because I really don't know what tomorrow will bring and I try so very hard not to go to the "what if", "is isn't fair", "why me" place because there is no one answer.
I will continue to pray for you and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or want to talk, please email me.
Pam

Daesin,
How are you doing today? Did you get any restful sleep at all last night? I didn't, spent much of the night tossing and turning.
.
I pray that you will find lesser days of pain and more days of content.

Take care,

Pam

Hello guys, thank you for the kind replies. I didn't mean to make anyone cry. I was just purging. Nothing has improved except my perspective, but often that is enough. I realized that this can be no worse than turning 40 and I survived that...although the presents and chocolates helped in that issue. Something magical about birthday cake.
Its all just a number. I don't have the luxury of letting a date get me down, not when the bigger picture is such a battle.
I wanted to thank everyone and let you know that I will be off list for a few weeks. Our vacation blew up and there are issues which will take much of my time. Hint to everyone...pay the extra few bucks and get travel insurance.
With luck I will be back soon and have lots of good humor to share.
Love, peace and warmth to all.