Feeling Like A Failure?

Hi Don,

What you wrote in your post to me, I could have written myself- nearly to the word, about how you are struggling to maintain your productivity level, and how it is getting harder and harder to do that.

If money had been no object, and if I didn't love my career as much as I did, I would have left work several years before I actually did.

I kept pushing through the pain, ended up taking more medication to get rid of the pain, and worked more hours from home. Over the year before I left, I really started to notice how my concentration was just going down the tubes. I had a very mentally challenging job and I was just not as sharp as I used to be. I could not do complex write-ups the way I did before. I was having more and more headaches, and I was not able to recuperate over a weekend like I had in the past. My body was going into just complete overload and I actually ended up in the ER, which I believe was due to the overwhelming stress of trying to endure so much pain.

What helped was meeting with a psychologist over the six months before I finally left work. I needed a place to be able to admit to myself that my body was telling me it was time to leave. I had fought the pain for so many years, and felt so attached my career, and had so many fears about what my life would be like once I finally stopped working... all of those things were paralyzing me and preventing me from admitting the truth.

So talking about that and grieving the loss of my career with the psychologist was the thing that finally gave me the courage to decide to leave. My body was already telling me, but I needed to get my mind in sync with my body.

It felt really good to be in control of the process. I knew when our busy season would be starting up, and I knew I could not physically or mentally handle it. I knew it would burden my co-workers if I left once the busy season started, so I went out on FMLA before it started.

I had been discussing all of this with my doctor over the past couple of years and he was in complete agreement that it was time to leave. So he was ready to help with all the necessary paperwork and forms.

I've been off work for about 9 months now, and I know I made the right decision. I do feel I held on for too long, but I don't regret that, because my work was so meaningful and rewarding to me.

I know how hard it is to let go.....I spent nearly a year seriously debating whether I should leave or not. My advice is to take some time to look within and be honest with yourself, and really think about how you are performing day to day and throughout the week at work.

One thing I will share is that I don't miss work nearly as much as I thought I would. I miss a couple of co-workers who were my actual friends. And I miss the sense of purpose and structure work provides. But I'm finding that it is possible to create a new life without it.

hope that helps a little! Candy

Candy, thank you so much for responding and for including this link. There is so much valuable information there and it answered some questions I have had regarding how medical coverage works for someone needing it while on disability. I feel very fortunate to have short and long term disability through my employer. I have no idea how any of that works however and reading through the single page document my employer provides in our benefit pamphlet leaves far more questions than answers.

I have been afraid to speak with anyone in HR regarding these benefits because I have seen so many positions eliminated over the last few years that I have convinced myself that I would simply be fired. In part because I can't believe that I have managed to stay employed while being so sick and performing so poorly. Does that even make sense?

I have a Doctor's appointment coming up in a few weeks and I will speak with her then regarding all this and her opinion on the matter.

I will also look to find an outside resource that can help me. In fact, this is one of the things that bothers me the most. I no longer can concentrate and prioritize my projects successfully without missing major steps along the way. This just kills me. If anything makes me feel a failure this is it.

I find that I spend all my time recovering from work (hard for me to call it that at this point because my productivity level has dropped so badly) just so that I can do it all again.

I became ill at 23 but was not diagnosed (even with positive RA factor) for 3 years because my doctor simply could not believe at my age I had RA. I am now almost 25 years into this journey. I went back to school so that I could continue to work and I have been able to for the last 23 years and I am so grateful that I have had so many good years but the last 2 years have been a losing battle.

My friends told me years ago that I should not be working but I have had such a mental block towards the idea of it that I would not even entertain the thought no matter how much pain I was in. Now, I am in such a constant state of pain and exhaustion that even on the days I work from home I simply can't seem to accomplish what I need to. It is such a disheartening place to be because my mind (and ego) tells me that I should not concede defeat but my body simply can not take it. Not to mention that I have no proactive treatment plan going forward and my entire life has become all about managing pain. :(

Add to all this that I am stubborn and tenacious (which has served me well in most things) and it has been very hard for me to admit that something has to give.

So again, thank you!!! For taking the time to respond and for sharing your experience. I will certainly take your advice and I have a close personal friend I can confide in as well regarding these things which is a huge blessing. -Don

Candy, I don't see an option for a PM but I sent an email to the account you have listed.

I have an upcoming appointment with my Rheumy soon and I will start talking with her about it. Hopefully they too can help with this process.

I don't plan on leaving work until I have a plan on how to move forward. One thing that really started me thinking about all this has been all the people that my company has let go recently. I asked myself what I would do if it were me and I honestly can not imagine how I could hope to land another job in this condition.

Take care, -Don

Thoreau, a quick note to say hello (had posted on UC forum & stud told me I'd find you here), so very glad to hear the UC is quiet, and that I resonate with your post about your feelings.
Wishing you well as you stay the course.