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When is right time to tell new relationship about my CD?

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Posted 2/12/2008 1:23 PM (GMT 0)
I started dating a new man, we've been out 3x and plan on seeing each other again this weekend. My question is when should I tell him about my CD? I hate bringing it up but part of me thinks it's not fair to withold that info. from him as it could make a difference in how he feels about me. Any suggestions? Thank you!
Posted 2/12/2008 1:49 PM (GMT 0)
Well, one never knows where a new relationship will go or end up. Personally, I just wouldn't bother until the first time that I didn't feel up to a date or activity and then mention that I have Crohn's which is a chronic condition that might interfere w/"our" plans from time to time. From there I would leave it up to him how much he wants to know.

It might "hurt" if he decides to back off from the relationship if this occurs some time into the relationship and you've really got your heart "invested" in this guy. But .... hey, that's life. You can't love and not be hurt from time to time in your life.
Posted 2/12/2008 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
I usually told people on the first date. It's part of me and I'm not embarrassed about it nor do I have anything to hide. If someone has a problem with it I'd rather know before I invest my time......

Good luck!
Posted 2/12/2008 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
Tell him when you fell comfortable telling him...If he's the one, it won't matter to him anyway, and if he's not the one, better to find out as early as possible!
Posted 2/12/2008 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
Good advice, CrohnieMomX2!
Posted 2/12/2008 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
I am dealing with this subject as we speak. I got to have that conversation and include "oh yeah, I have a freakin colostomy". If that don't get his attention don't know what will! lol He claims it doesn't bother him. We shall see. Maybe it bothers me more than him I don't know. But I hate this. From the start That has hung over my head like a dark cloud. I suppose it's true that if they are worth your time it won't matter to them. but that doesn't make it any easier.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you! I have decided even after this DD destroyed my marriage and put a big dent in my self confidence, there is life after this crap. I'm having a great time! Life is good! Take care!
Posted 2/12/2008 5:50 PM (GMT 0)

Oh man, this is a tough one. I never know when to tell them. I dated a guy for 4 months and never told him because I didn't think he could handle it (should have listened to my instincts). That's 4 months of hiding meds and flares! Then there are other guys that I've told almost right away. Tell him whenever you feel comfortable enough to tell him. I think it also depends on how you are feeling physically. If you are constantly having to cancel plans or make up excuses, you should say something so he doesn't think you are not interested.

Good luck and I hope it works out!

Posted 2/12/2008 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I would wait awhile before you tell that person. See were your relationship goes first. I have told women to earliey and they don't want to see me.
Posted 2/12/2008 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
If you have to wonder whether it is the right time or not, it probably isn't. Shouldn't you share this as naturally as you share other things -- in the natural course of the relationship and the conversations you have. At some point, if you continue seeing this person you will find yourself in the right moment -- either because that's where the conversation has taken you, or because you have to deal with symptoms.

The only thing I know for sure is that it is never in a person's long term best interests to lie or be deceptive about their condition -- or anything else for that matter.
Posted 2/12/2008 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Everybody has baggage. He might not have Crohn's, but like all of us, he does have his own secrets.

At this stage, you don't have to bring it up if you don't want to...it sounds like you are just not ready, or don't know whether you can trust him. Because you are still getting to know one another. 

In case you feel guilty, please consider that you are not withholding information he is entitled to. You just have a right to privacy, like he does.

Posted 2/12/2008 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
Go with YOUR gut instinct (pun intended LOL), honestly, everyone is different so depending on how much you like the person, play it by how you feel in your instincts about when the right time is...regardless if the person cannot handle it, they're not the right person for you, so I wouldn't waste too much time on them.

:)
Posted 2/12/2008 7:55 PM (GMT 0)

I think you will know when you feel you want to share the information.  Never feel you must tell everyone your life history on your first date, see how well you get along.

Take your time and do it your way.  Bless you.
Kitt

Posted 2/12/2008 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
Wow flashbacks to my first date with my husband. He cooked me dinner so it was meds time. I said "you might as well see these as I take about 16 a day". It just kind of came out because the time and my comfort fit. Like someone else said...you'll feel it.

Past boyfriends I tried hiding it...didn't work well becuase that just left them with questions about why I couldn't go out or why I picked at my food. I think telling soon worked better for me, but it doesn't have to be your first date.

I also found small amounts of info to start worked best...no details unless they asked. I started with I have "stomach problems" or "foods can bother me" and worked into the details as needed. I figured I didn't deal well with having this DD tossed at me all at once, why should I inflict that on someone else.
Posted 2/13/2008 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
It's kind of ironic, as 6 years before I was diagnosed with CD, I went out with a guy who had a colostomy as a result of crohn's. He was really worried that I'd be turned off, and was hesitant to tell me. He eventually did and we had a wonderful intimate relationship for a long time (turns out he wasn't the one for me...but for completely unrelated reasons).
Now I've been diagnosed with CD, and although I'm not on the dating scene (I'm happily married), I could see how difficult it would be to tell a date you have a chronic disease ... but if they care for you they'll stick around, and if they don't, it's best to know early on.

Good luck!

Bev
Posted 2/13/2008 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
well, you see, I now have an ostomy, and I think that any girl I am interested in dating should know about it soon. I don't want to come to that point when we are about to become intimate and I have to make an excuse or tell her there and possibly kill the moment.....so I have told girls fairly soon, and it hasn't worked against me yet, though a person can never really know for sure....

i think that most good people admire the confidence it would take and appreciate the trust.....
Posted 2/13/2008 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
I would say tell the person right away, i say this because the girl i am seeing right now knew about my CD two months before things clicked between us. So if she is willing to START dating me knowing i have CD then why would you want to hold off telling the person. I look at it this way, if you feel they are that superficial that they are going to call it quits with you when they find out, then why would you want to prolong things? So you can get more attached and have it hurt more when they leave? If the person cares about you they wouldnt make a decision on whether or not ot be with you based on your health
Posted 2/13/2008 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
I'd wait until it looks like he IS really serious. But like someone said, just go with your gut..

Matthew
Posted 2/13/2008 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
Im married but as far as telling new people I just tell them when it comes up in conversation which is usually really early. I usually have to explain my aisle seat, or food, or pills... and I like just being up front with people. Its easier for them to be understanding.
Posted 2/13/2008 5:40 AM (GMT 0)

This is a tricky one. I too am married and have been for six years. I told my husband when we were first together. He said it didn't bother him. Then I had a flare and he struggled. He was upset and couldn't understand why a 20 year-old was so sick. I told him that I am chronically ill and I would only get worse. He decided to fight the battle with me. This has been the sickest year so far and he has never been more wonderful. We are trying to get out of debt and he will work overtime to help pay for my meds if we need it. I say tell him when you're ready. It takes a special person to fight CD and it is a little better when your significant other can help fight it with you. Good luck. You are in my thoughts and I hope you find someone wonderful as I did.

kgirlie

Posted 2/13/2008 10:06 AM (GMT 0)
i told my wife on our first date, which was a blind date to boot! you see, i did not want her to worry when i leaped out of my chair and ran for the bathroom, thinking i was ditching her and wasn't coming back!
Posted 2/13/2008 1:19 PM (GMT 0)
OK I decided to ask "the guy" for his input. I asked my husband last night just to get the non-CDers point of view. I said should I have told you later, was soon good, how much should I have told you.
He doesn't even remember talking about it in the beginning. He thinks I slid it in to our lives just about right (aw he knew to say the right thing last night). His "gut" answer was....I can't tell you. He said (like a lot of others said here) that it depends on the person and the timing. He figures it was like him telling me about his past girlfriends...you just feel your way and go with it when it feels right. he did agree that little doses was a good thing (it worked with his past girlfriend stories too!)
Posted 2/13/2008 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your words of wisdom! Every comment has helped me put it into perspective. I know that any guy worth his salt would not dump me soley based on my having CD. My issue is that I'm such a private person, I don't like to discuss my illness with "just anyone"...you know what I mean? And I have found that in the recent past when I told a guy I had dated only twice, it made me very, very uncomfortable to talk about it, I changed the subject very quickly. How much info. do I share?? Personally, we all know that CD is not the most "glamorous" disease to live with and at times can be downright icky. What if "new guy" goes online to research my disease and gets the crap scared out of him? Hahaha...
How much info. is to much to share?
Again, thank you all so much...I guess I will know when the time is right to discuss it with him.

XXOO
Posted 2/13/2008 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
as has been said in this post, everyone is so different about self-disclosing. I tend to have a big mouth and share readily. I think that is partly because I know half the people in my city, so when I got ill and looked terrible I wanted people to know why. as for dating, i did lots of dating in my 40's, and found that most people pretty much "put it all out there" in the first couple dates. we do all have our baggage, and we learn a lot about people by seeing how well the handle it. but that is coming from me, a big-mouthed, middle-aged, chick!
let us know what happens next, ok?
Posted 2/13/2008 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
i tell people about my crohns whenever it comes up. i dont/cant drink/smoke/have caffeine, so at my age it comes up very quickly.
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