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My husband withholds my pain meds

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Posted 4/4/2008 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
I have had CD since I was 15 years old.  Now I am 35.  I have never taken anything for pain, regularly until about a year ago when I had kidney stones. The benefits of taking the pain were tremendous.  I didn't hurt.  I have anxiety and panic and become overly anxious when I am having a flare so the pain meds helped me to not be as afraid as well.  The pain meds regulated my bowels to going one time a day from anywhere between 9-20 times a day.  Therefore, I wasn't near as tired and It was easier for me to work and not leaVE MY CLASSROOM AS MUCH.

Well, now my husband, who I thought cared and understood- has now began to call me a pill head, etc.  He has never had any condition for any length of time that would make him understand what I feel like emotionally and physically.  He did break his arm as a child and have some dental work about three years ago.  It's almost like he has turned on me.  He has had a substance abuse problem in the past with alcohol and pills and marijuana.  He has even gone as far as taking my bottle of pain meds and "stealing" them as far as I am concerned.  He coninues to deny this to this day.  I have found different meds in different places.  He gets furious if I find something of his.  However, he goes through my pocketbook and counts my pain meds.  He has even went as far as holding them from  me and dispersing them to me upon me asking for them.  He's not so worried about my imuran, entocort, b-12 injuections,sleeping aid, zoloft.  He is only concerned about my pain meds and anything related to them.  I would not mind this if I felt that he really cared- but, knowing what I know about him and his backgroun with substance abuse, it is extremely frustrating.  He has even went with me to the Dr and took my prescriptions to the pharmacy in the same medical building and he dispersed me with two and kept the rest and dispersed when I asked.  He was kind enough to give me two before I left for work each day.  After that, I was told I had had enough, pill head, you need help, I'm going to call the doctor, ,etc.  The only thing that I am now taking for pain is Ultram which does help, but, he acts as though I have some sort of drug problem and this is really really frustrating me.  I would really like to hear your suggestions, advise, any help is appreciated.  Thank you.

Posted 4/4/2008 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
Addicts and alcoholics project their own behavior on others close to them. They will go so far as to blame others for their own actions -- "you must have caused those checks to bounce, not me!" It's up to you whether you stay with him or not, but if I was in your shoes I would see my doctor ALONE and ask for a frank assessment of your condition as it relates to pain pill use and consumption, tell him what your husband is saying and doing and then request that all prescriptions are handed to you alone and go fill them yourself and place them in a secure place only you have access to. The man is not your daddy.

Posted 4/4/2008 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Personally, it it were happening to me it would feel like a form of abuse. I would go and talk to your doctor alone like Mike B suggested and explain the whole situation. Do you have anyone close to you, a clergyman, counselor, close friend that could go with you or you could confide in? No one can judge someone in your shoes. Is he taking the pills for himself or just worried you will become addicted? I know I am suffering at the moment and never have been one to take pain pills. I just told my husband I need something stronger, I can't stand the pain. I think if your doctor knew the situation he could be of more help to you. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Posted 4/4/2008 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Time to stand up for yourself!! I would have serious doubts about his reasons for holding onto your meds, given his history.

If you get the chance, count the tablets, if you can remember how many you've had, it should correlate with the number originally
given, like if you know you've taken 30 pills, and the script was 100, there should be 70 left. In theory, that should give you the
answer to his behavior. Good luck.
Posted 4/4/2008 6:51 PM (GMT 0)

I'm a domestic violence counsellor and I can tell you straight up that this is abusive. It's controlling behaviour and it is not appropriate at all. As everyone has already said, it's possible that he is using the meds himself or perhaps just projecting his own fears about addictions onto you. It also possible that he is doing this out of concern that you may become addicted. Whatever the case may be, find someone you feel comfortable to talk to about this. You don't have to go through this alone. There are plenty of services out there to help women in these types of situations (not sure where you live). It's scary to ask for help but it's worth it. Good luck to you. 

Posted 4/4/2008 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
I hate to think this, but I really don't feel that it is him wanting to help me. I feel that it is a control issue. My psychiatrist told me once, that a person who is out of control, gets relief from controlling someone else. So, he has no self control therefore it's easier for him to control me. Legally, what can he do? Because he has even threatened me as far as our children and if we ended up in court-he could get custody. I just don't think that's right- If I have a chronic illness and I am prescribed pain medication - I don't think that can be held against me as long as I am able to take care of my kids. and the truth of the matter is- I do everything now for them. The reason that I have to think he is using this as a control thing is b/c he went to file our income taxes this year jointly. We received a refund of what he said??$6,000.00 He will not give me any b/c he says it is in savings (which is in his name only savings account) He says he pays the house, and car and utility bills I have to count on my $ for groceries, out to eat, school stuff fior two kids yearbooks,lunch $,copays, prescriptions pictures, supplies, clothes, shoes, etc. not to mention I am in graduate school When he was drinking and abusing drugs- He would get my credit cards and when I would get the bill, there were charges like, Red Lobster bar tabs, etc. But, now all I hear is that this is my bill b/c it is in my name. Him and his Dad took my home improvement credit card several years ago w/o me knowing and charged a little over $800.00. His dad did go pay that off- after I wrote a letter and mailed it to him. Back to the income tax return- I claim O throughout the year so that I can get more back at the end of the year- He claims 4 dependents all year. So, in my opinion the refund is basically mine- but he will not let me have it. By the way, he bought himself a boat, a truck to have extra and now he is looking to buy a transam. He doesn't make enough to pay our monthly expenses each week. He will not give me $ because I get to "keep" my paycheck. I also pay phone, internet service and the minimum of $400.oo each month on credit card debt that he charged up. However,. they are all in my name!!!
Posted 4/4/2008 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry, Bible, that you are in this situation. Please, please understand that this really is abuse. Abuse comes in many forms and it appears from the little you have shared that he is an emotional and physical abuser. Emotionally abusive because he is trying to convince you that you are 1) helpless, 2) isolated from friends, 3) that no one can help you, 3) that you will loose your kids if you object to his behavior, and 4) that maybe you don't even deserve help because you are an addict. This is complete garbage!! He is physically abusive because he is threatening you and withholding meds that you need. Someone who loves you wouldn't do this!! (And if he is using the Bible to support his views he is absolutely dead wrong!!!!!)

Please, please call a domestic abuse counsellor ASAP! Maybe RK can suggest a hotline you can call. There is help, and they are there to help you be the strong person that you really are. Anyone who can live with this disease is very strong in my opinion!!
Posted 4/4/2008 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
This is abuse. Call a counselor and let your doctor and the local pharmasy that they are not to discuss your medical concerns with your husband or allow him to pick up scripts.
Posted 4/4/2008 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Bible,

I am so sorry that you have had to endure this from someone that should be your ally in your ordeal. My take: if your husband were truly concerned about your "problem", he would have taken active steps to engage you in some form of counseling. Sounds to me like he's either snaking your pills or just exerting some passive aggressive demon exercising on himself by keeping you off the "junk". Absolutely ridiculous! The anxiety that we endure just waiting for the next unbearable pain is something that I have just recently started treating by taking pain meds regularly and have really just started experiencing the horrible stigma that goes with such treatment. I feel guilty when I have to call for a refill, because I always get the "why are you in Pain?" well I have crohn's disease. "How long have you been having pain?" Are you kidding me? Sorry, I get off topic easily. Good luck. We are all here for you.

mark mac
Posted 4/4/2008 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
My opinion of the situation as you describe it: abuse, plain and simple. I have seen these problems in couples before and he is definitely wrong. He has no right to take your meds and threaten you with your children. My suggestion is to talk to your doctor ASAP like Mike said- it's important that your doctor is an ally in this situation. You need to make it clear that your husband is not to receive your prescriptions. I think it’s important that you find someone you can confide in who can help you to be strong. You don’t need this kind of crap in your already complicated life! Get away from him. The courts will not take your kids from you simply because you take pain meds for a legitimate reason- your husband is using scare tactics to get you to comply. Don’t buy it!! You’re better than that.
Posted 4/4/2008 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
Sweet Bible I have to concur with all the above. He is being abusive and controlling. My 30 year old daughter has Fibromyalgia and has suffered with really bad Migraines since she was 15. So of course, she has had to use alot of pain meds. Her husband did the same to her as your husband is doing to you. She took him with her to her doctor appt. and had the doctor explain why she needed so much strong medication. It helped him to understand. He no longer hoards her medications and is more understanding of what she is suffering with. Maybe that would help your husband understand.

Either way, you do not deserve to be treated like that by someone who claims to love you or by anyone else really. He can't take your kids away from you because you have a documented medical condition and a definite reason to use the pain meds. I don't know you, but if you are anything like my daughter you are probably the one really caring for the children. He couldn't take them from you because you are able to take the pain meds and take care of your responsibilities. I think you really need to think about this relationship and what is really best for you and your kids.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 4/5/2008 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
This is abuse. And as long as he is successful he is going to get more and more abusive and eventually it will most likely become physical abuse as well. This is the way the physical abusers start out in a relationship. Get the counseling and assistance you need and GET OUT! NOW! BEFORE the physical abuse starts. Its not just you. It "could" eventually spread to the kids. Plus your kids are going to grow up thinking this is okay and may well practice it themselves.

I know it is hard and it is scarey. Been there, done that. Been down to using the electric dryer for heating one room, to having my electric turned off and figuring out how to turn it back on, to my neighbor w/8 kids bringing over a big pot of stew she "made too much of", to having my water turned off and filling jugs of water from the neighbors outside faucet ..... "in my day" I could change a flat tire as fast as any man.

But my kids learned to respect others, to have their own self-respect, that nothing comes easy and I worked my way up from a 95@ an hour job to a $1.25 an hour job, to a $1.50 an hour job to eventually $3.50 an hour which was darn good wages back then. AND WE WERE HAPPY!

Posted 4/5/2008 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
I know what the others are saying and I do agree it 'can' be abuse, but you never told us exactly how many pills you were taking and if maybe he DID have a reason or not to try and get you to cut back..
I only say this cause I have a friend who's dad also has crohns and my friend had to come to me and my dad one day asking about his dads pill consumption (after a surgery)..where his dad thought it was fine/normal it turned out he was VERY BADLY abusing his pills and taking WAY WAY WAY too many, like enough to kill him and of course was in denial and popping like crazy...so my friend of course wanted to step in and help his dad...either take the pills or do something to get him off the addiction...so I have to wonder if maybe your husband is trying to help and not abuse if its a case like that...not saying it is..but everyone seems to be looking at his bad and not if there is other facts that need looked at...like how many you were consuming in the first place...I do agree to talk to a doctor, they can tell you if you were taking too many, if so they can help for that...and if not, they can give advice for the husband, or talk to him or do something surely as the others said.
Posted 4/5/2008 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Lady G,

You are right that its possible that she is taking too many pills. What I reacted to is the threatening and demeaning attitude she described. If you are really concerned that your wife has a substance abuse problem, you get her help -- you don't threaten and demean her. That is abusive. It all comes down to his attitude about her and how he expresses himself towards her. He doesn't sound like a charming gentleman.

I have witnessed a number of women who were the subject of abuse and know that usually what you hear is only the tiny tip of the iceburg. But I think strongly encouraging her to get help, as those above have done, is perfectly appropriate because it appears she is in an abusive situation and one that could be potentially dangerous to her wellbeing.
Posted 4/5/2008 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
Bible- I do fully understand your situation and it is abusive. Get out, get help immediately! For those of you who question the validity of her claim that her husband is the one being abusive and she is not a pill head...That's what we have doctor's for. Pain scripts are narcotics and should she be abusing them the doctor would be the very first to know. Bible, I don't know what state you are in but there are programs available in most communities for free legal advice as well. Protect what assests/cash you have and consult a lawyer as soon as possible. It doesn't mean you have to make rash decisions, quite the contrary. You need to make informed decisions for you and your kids. You need to know what your marital rights are in your state assuming you are in the US. I also can't imagine living with someone with this type of behavior in your condition. This must be very stressful for you which in turn is not good for your disease. You need to learn that you deserve better treatment than this and this disease does not make you any less a lady or a person. It is a disease NOT who or what YOU are, just a circumstance you have to manage. Things may be difficult for you for awhile but I can assure you, you will never regret making the decision to get out of this situation!
Posted 4/5/2008 3:41 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry that you are having to go through,I know how you feel because my ex-husband was the same way.My Ex had to be in control at all times and I agree with others it is abuse any way you slice it.My ex had to go to every appointment and when my doctor(s)wrote me a script for my meds and hand them to me my ex would take them and look at me and say let me hang on to them so that you want loose them and I could not get my meds filled he had to do so and it didn't stop at just having control over my meds but every thing else as well.I could not go to the grocery store or wal-mart or any were for that matter without him and I had to get what he thought that we needed I was not alloowed to have any money all and I had to use dishwashing soap to was dishes wash my hair and to bath with.I was not allowed to shop for clothes with out him and he had to go with me and if there was something that I liked I could not get it and he picked them out and I had told him on many occaction that I did not like what he picked out and he would tell me tough get over it because you will wear like it or not.I was not allowed to wear short in the summer and I was not alloed to wear a shirt with buttons,if I wanted a 50%coke I would have to ask for it only for him to tell me no we don't have the money and to top that off he would eat every day at Toco bell but I could not.I was all so meanally abused as well like you are lazy,you are a stubid B**** and I I lost count of the times he would tell me to **** O** and he would tell any one that would list that after we got maried that I gained so much weight that I was nothing but a fat pig.So please know that you are not alone and if you want to talk about please feel free to e-mail me.The best thing that I have ever done for my self was getting away from him.Oh and let me say this real quick he used to tell me that if I ever thought about leaving him he would kill me and I told him that any thing including death would be a blessing if it meant that I was free of him I think it was then that he knew that I had had enough.I hope that you can talk with some one that want run back and tell your husband but you do need someone to talk with and please be strong and tell him no more and simply ask him how would he feel if he was beign treated in the manner.Good luck and know we are hear any time for you.
Posted 4/5/2008 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
I would call the cops on him sorry but he is a huge JERK.
Posted 4/5/2008 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, curley. I'm sorry.
Posted 4/5/2008 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
My husband very well could have had reason to worry about how many I would take; however, I still don't think this was the issue just knowing him the way I do but giving him the benefit of the doubt- This may have been the case. I will admit that I would take one when really I had been in worse pain before and handled it- It's like they made me brave as well as not worry about the way I believed things to be.
Posted 4/5/2008 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bible,

Please don't beat yourself up about taking meds. They can be helpful tools to relieve anxiety about pain. This disease is hard enough. If you think you are taking too many, please talk to your Doc. Hopefully, he/she can suggest what is reasonable and if something else needs to be done.

And please never, ever believe that you are response for your husband's bad behavior. He is a grown man and needs to "own" his own actions. Marriage is about being there for each other. You are one body. It hurts the body when one part is abusing the other. Just like CD!! The rest of my body suffers because of this disease. Please talk to a counselor soon.

Take care of yourself!
Posted 4/5/2008 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
I truly appreciate you all. I have never ever shared this with anyone. Thank you for being there. It is great to talk to you all.
Posted 4/5/2008 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
You're raising kids in a very confining environment, you have dealt with a very emotionally and physically difficult disease for a very long time, you've dealt with an addict and his behavior for a long time. You are a very strong woman and I admire you for holding it together this long. Do you think this pain med situation could be the push you need to realize you are better off living your life on your terms? You are amazing and deserve a lot more from life. Take that first step and call a domestic abuse shelter or counselor. You can do it and maybe if you end up with less stress (after the high-stress the sudden change would bring) your flare ups will happen less often or be less severe. Good luck, feel free to email if you need to talk.
Posted 4/5/2008 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
posssesing someones controlled substance is a felony. no fighting needed. ur right
Posted 4/6/2008 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
can you check in with us soon and let us know how things are?
By the posts above, I hope you know how much we care about your situation and are a little afraid for you. big hug, yp
Posted 4/6/2008 5:28 PM (GMT 0)
I would makes sure to clear your computers history so he cant read what you are writing or where you have been surfing you cant trust of man like controlling man like that.
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