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ranting about the superficiality of weight

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Posted 4/22/2008 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
I'm feeling kind of down today, and I just need to vent.  I had a long, difficult winter with my Crohn's and Salmonella.  In the process, I lost about 25 pounds, (still losing) and went from a size 12 to an 8. In the process, I have been to my GI multiple times, and I have gotten to know the staff well.  So my sister convinced me to buy a whole new wardrobe..( I was frumping around in my giant clothes, because money is tight, and I kept thinking I would get better soon and probably gain my weight back)  I do look good, and I have gotten used to all of the comments by acquaintances, but I was totally floored, when I showed up to my GI appointment today and heard comments from the nurse, receptionist, and even the doc, about how FABULOUS I look.  I tried to give them feedback that:

A. I lost five pounds since my visit a month ago, and I still don't feel all that great

B.  That they of all people have watched me suffer for months on end; they should be worried about the weight loss...not celebrating it!!!!!

So I got thinking what happens next...will I keep losing and get stick thin and look sick?.....will I need Prednisone again and get really heavy?....will I feel better (my vote) and be a little overweight (which is what I think is my normal self) 

I don't know if I am expressing myself well enough.  I'm just so tired of not feeling well.  I just wish weight didn't matter so much...it makes me feel misunderstood.  I don't even know what I'm trying to say...maybe I'm just wanting hugs for being me, in whatever size I come in!!!!

Posted 4/22/2008 9:13 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there, i can relate to your frustration.....i have people say - "People would give their eye teeth to be like you" meaning i am nice and slim - no inclination of the suffering!!! and the fact that i would swap my life sometimes ...it really enlightens me to their lack of knowledge or even interest....

keep smiling :-)

Posted 4/22/2008 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
((((((((( Gumby ))))))))))) Yes . . . you are probably scared about this and would hope that the doc and staff would acknowledge your fears and address them. I understand exactly what you are saying. Blessings!
Posted 4/22/2008 9:28 PM (GMT 0)
I'm totally getting you right now. I know everyone with Crohn's deals with different weight issues. I personally want to be around a size 8-10 which for me is about 140 pounds. That's when I'm most comfortable in my own skin. But I don't want to have to get there by being sick. It's a weird Catch-22. Feel better: weigh more. Sick: lose weight.

When I first started to get sick I IRONICALLY had just started Weight Watchers. So I thought I was losing weight based on my Weight Watchers. Which I'm sure that had something to do with it. But after a while I started losing much more weight due to the D I was having. I finally found out I had Crohn's. So I dropped about 30 pounds then. Got down to a size 6.

Then, after they put me on Colazal, I went into remission. Within 4 months, the weight started to pack back on. I gained all the weight I'd lost back plus an extra 20 pounds. I was feeling better physically as far as the Crohn's but I hated weighing more than I ever had before. I was very uncomfortable in my skin. But I started to get used to it, the way I looked and felt in a bigger body because I just kept telling myself it was better than being sick. But I still wasn't happy with the way I looked.

I was 170 in January of this year and I'm now 135. I've been in a major flare. Sick with D during the day AND overnight hours. I've barely been able to function between all that PLUS all the extra-intestinal issues that go along with Crohn's. Because of the flare, I'm back down to the size/weight I like to be but I feel like CRAP! So instead of walking around feeling good back in my "skinny" body, I walk around looking drained and tired and sick.

And last week I was just put on Prednisone for the first time and I'm actually WORRIED it'll make me gain weight...something is so messed up with that line of thinking!!! It might actually make me FEEL BETTER so WHO CARES if I gain back weight?!?! I'd rather still be the 170 pounds than having had to go through the past 3 months of a flare to get down to 135! Crazy.

Weight makes me feel misunderstood, too. The nurse at my GP's office today said, "Girl!!! You look GREAT!!! What have you been doing to lose all that weight!" Now, this is a nurse who I have seen dozens of times over the past couple of years. I just ASSUMED she knew I had Crohn's since she's been the one ordering blood tests and prescriptions. So when I told her I'd lost so much weight because I'd been sick, she was very apologetic and I think really embarrassed.

But even when I GAINED all that weight the first time, I kept feeling like I needed to explain to people why and how I'd ballooned up so much so fast! I mean, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but I didn't want them thinking I'd just all of a sudden let myself go and started stuffing my face with food. That just wasn't the case...

Ugh...I'm rambling! I'm tired, too!

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS to you, gumby, WHATEVER size you are today! :)
Posted 4/22/2008 9:39 PM (GMT 0)
I'm right there with you on the weight issue.  I lost about 40 lbs in about 6 weeks last year when I flared for the first time.  I am overweight and have been for at least 10 years.  It's been a year now, almost to the day, since that flare started, and I've gained it all back and maybe a couple of lbs more.  It's depressing.  I certainly don't want to be sick like I was.  I would be perfectly happy to never go through that again.  But the extra weight puts more stress on my body, more stress on my back and joints, which makes me uncomfortable in other ways.  I never expected to keep all that weight off.  But it's a bummer that I've gained it all back.

Posted 4/22/2008 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
HUGGGGGS !!

My "MOM" is the worst for makin me feel kinda crumy about my weight. When I was first diagnosed I was maybe 90 pounds and size zero.... when I got the disease under control with meds.. etc.. and got rid of my loser boyfriend who was causing me alot of stress... I gained what I like to call HAPPY HEALTHY weight. I was only up to 135 and my mom said I was getting FAT. IMAGINE! I thought I looked good and felt great and was in remission. But recently I fell into a flare.. and have been losing weight on a steady basis. Now I am down to the 115 range again and look very skinny. My mom is like.. Oh look how great you look now and aren't you glad ya lost all that extra weight... THAT'S TERRIBLE! I look sick again.. and AM sick again and she's going on about my weight!! All I can say is.. its a GOOD THING I had that weight to lose because if not I would be a toothpick right now and probably in the freakin hospital !! I can't wait to get back into remission and pack on my HAPPY HEALTHY weight again !!!!!!!

Umm.. sorry.. I think I had to vent too...... LOL

Take Care!!
Posted 4/22/2008 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
I agree totally. I have lost 35 lbs on plaquinel and prednisone-because the plaq makes it hard to eat anything-I lost 5lbs in 3 weeks when they cut my pred dose in half making it even harder to eat. My Rhuemy is thrilled-everyone I see complements me and I knwo for a fact that the minute my doc d/cs my plaq I will gain it all back.
I work with someone who is on weight watchers and losing weight the hard way and I am so happy for her because her efforts are paying off. I on the otherhand am losing it faster and I feel like a fraud when people talk about my losing weight.

I too had to buy a whole new wardrobe but I have refused to pay even close to full price for anything. I got all of my pants at two stores that were going out of business.
Sj
Posted 4/22/2008 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
I went from 125 to 160 in about two years. I hate it. I don't feel pretty don't like how clothes fit on me and can not accept a compliment. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me no matter what but its hard when you don't love yourself.

I also use to be a competitve runner ( even went to college on scholarship) so now to feel fat and have no enrgy to do any thing about it sucks. I hate going home to visit because people who don't know about my illness have no clue that this weight is from steroids not pizza..

I am having resection on apr. 30th and I am looking forward to losing weight as a result of being NPO for a couple of days.

I constantly joke that I keep trying to CATCH anorexia but must be immune!!!
Posted 4/22/2008 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
Kittikatt - You story sounds really similar to mine. I gained 43lbs in 4 months due to medication (pre-Crohn's). I lost 13 of it due to a flare at the beginning of the year. A few people at work commented how the could notice a difference and were happy for me until I told them that my "magic" diet secret was actually the "diarrhea diet".

I'm 160lbs now and 30-35lbs from where I feel comfortable and "me".. I got really upset when the last doctor I saw said that I might need to go on prednisone.. The way I feel now, I'd rather be sick than gain more weight - so superficial I know but I'm not happy like this.

:-/
Posted 4/22/2008 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
For the past two years it has been a vicious cycle for me. I'll flare, get anorexically skinny..get on prednisone and gain tons of weight. I'm never a "normal" weight, either too skinny or a little bigger. And not to mention the moon face...I hate it and continue to have it...annoying
Posted 4/22/2008 11:48 PM (GMT 0)
Which is worse being overweight or being skinny?

Both are unhealthy for us...

I did the exact opposite and doubled my body weight with crohns in about a year (was in the hospital with major ortho injuries). Went from fighting fit 145 lbs., to up to 302 and now about 250 lbs.
Posted 4/23/2008 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Goodness gracious, do I hear you guys on this issue...

I have been so sick as a darn dog the past few months. Used to be overweight. When I started losing weight, the compliments just flowed. I felt kind of good that at least if I was sick, I looked good being sick. Now, at 114 pounds (my lowest yet), I get the "you're too skinny" talks. Frustrating that somehow our weight dictates how "good" we look. Sick, really.
Posted 4/23/2008 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Navy - not to perpetuate the superficial but when we made our photobucket account you looked GREAT and I would have never guessed that you weighed 250+.
Posted 4/23/2008 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
I think people are being a little, well shall I say shallow concerning your weight loss. I mean my goodness, shouldn't they be saying, you look great, but you have lost so much weight so quick, I'm concerned. They are almost saying, you didn't look so great before, but you were healthy. I'm with you, I don't care about my weight if I'm healthy. My last run, I lost 20 pounds, felt like hell! What good did that weight loss do for me when I couldn't get out of bed, so I agree people are shallow about weight. Who cares really, in the scheme of life, being happy, healthy and loved is all that matters!
Posted 4/23/2008 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
I am soo glad I posted.....I know I have said this before, but I so appreciate having a safe supportive place to go, where so many of you UNDERSTAND me! Especially with this topic, I feel like my friends/family either think I'm gloating about the weight loss, or whining over a good thing. Thank you for all of your support......you are all beautiful people!!!!
Posted 4/23/2008 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
I was down to 175 in that pic from jan of 07 but I do vary by more then 100 lbs, but in general a six foot tank...LOL

Thanks for the props Fitzy!
Posted 4/23/2008 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
Once ....I was down in my weight after a major sickness...but never to the point of too skinny ...it was really just perfect...

but that was ONCE>..since then - for years I struggle to keep or take it off - for the last 3 years ; I lose 30 or 40 ( on purpose ) then gain 20+

then I lose again a while later and then gain again - I am back to where I started at one of my highest points - Im so sick of the weight gain ...people dont belive me - but it takes just a little for me to gain 5 lbs...I can gain 5 a day especially if I am to tired, to hurt, to sick to want to "move" ...walk, work, do anything !

sorry to whine ... just know that even being overweight "they" think you look great ! Can't be too much wrong ifyou look so "healthy" !!! I understand your frustration !!
Posted 4/23/2008 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
This has always bothered me too. Usually I just let it pass, especially if the person involved doesn't know my situation. But sometimes, with co-workers and others who know my story and should know better, it has been a source of real hurt. One day I found myself responding with sarcasm when the company payroll clerk mentioned how fabulous I looked (skinny).

"Gee, I guess misery becomes me" I said then.

I shocked her. I shocked myself, but since then there have been one or two occasions when i have called that line up again and used it quite deliberately and consciously. It has been pretty effective at putting my weight issues in context.

I think your situation is one that is perfectly suited for such a come back. Of all people, your health providers should know better.
Posted 4/23/2008 12:29 PM (GMT 0)

I am so glad I came across this site.  I cannot believe the amount of information that everyone is so willing to share.  There are several threads that would make me believe there are flys on my walls asking the questions for me.  I too have weight gain/loss depending on how I am feeling.  Prior to starting entocort/6mp I also shared my weight loss concerns with the Drs office.  There answer was isn't that great?  Since the meds I have gained about 20 pds.  I want to get back into an exercise routine.  However, when I start so doese my stomach!  It is a catch 22.

Thank you to everyone for asking the questions I am still too shy to.  But most of all this is a great place to find ALOT of supportive people.  Have a great day!

Posted 4/23/2008 12:41 PM (GMT 0)

I understand the issues that the media perpetuates about being stick thin.  Before I got sick I was 175lbs and at my lowest was 112lbs.

Now I am a comfortable 154lbs, I can live at this weight quite happily and my Dr is happy.

The worst thing for me when I was really skinny was the number of people who said I looked great, I wanted to ask them who they were looking at, it certainly wasn't the person I saw in the mirror.  I changed jobs & one person thought I left because I had died!  Yet others were saying I looked great!

It is all about individual perception, the only person who needs to be happy with your weight is you, if your Dr and the office staff are making comments then I think you should wonder if you are dealing with people who actually understand your disease.  My Dr is always making sure I haven't dropped weight and with Crohn's you never know when it will stop.

Maybe you should ask people how thin they think is too thin?

Posted 4/23/2008 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
I'm happy for my weight loss -- 45 pounds. But when co-workers compliment me I usually say, "Thank you. I lost weight when I was quite sick. While I'm happy to get the weight off, its not a weight loss plan I'd recommend!"
Posted 4/23/2008 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
I can totally understand everyone's frustration. I'm opposite. Have always been overweight. Found out I had Crohn's almost 2 years ago. "How could I possibly have this disease and be obese." Everyone's thinking.

Time to vent so please forgive me.

If I'm going to have this terrible, chronic, live-long, incurable, miserable disease, that one of the main symptoms is weight loss, WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT SYMPTOM. instead I have gut pain, joint pain, fistulas, "d", fevers, but no, I can't have the one symptom I wouldn't mind having.

SORRY!!!!
Posted 4/23/2008 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Vicky!
i'm in the same boat! i've always been overweight and when i got crohn's i was secretly saying, "once good thing could come of this, maybe i'll loose some of this weight!" but after all the drugs and depression, not to mention all the laying around cuz i'm too sick to get up and move. i've gained soooo much weight since i've had this DD. i had terrible D for years and it didn't make me loose not one bit - only gain. doctor kept telling me to eat healthier but i couldn't eat anything but pasta or it hurt.
i'm in remission now and i'm still not loosing, probably because i'm eating all the stuff i couldn't before, in excess!
i wish i could stop eating, i need to, but it's like a comfort thing for me, and bordom. so when i get sick or hurt, i think mmmmmmm....chocolate or ice cream or pasta. i've gained 100 lbs since i was dx'ed in 2002. i'm up to 300 now! i need a life change!

ok...that's my rant.
-jeny
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