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crohns and depression - so afraid of this question ( sorry its kinda long )

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Posted 4/30/2008 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I have not ever asked this question - I have always been afraid of it

I am 51 ( closer to 52 ) and finally taking a close ( really close ) look at who I am

I am not a happy person - I could give you LOTS of reasons why - I think , but then I say " things are not so terrible " I mean in comparison to others ; and I have read some of your stories - how dare I even try to complain ? That is how I feel - so I keep my mouth shut ; I dont want to tell anyone - till now

Forever I have shoved my feeling down deeper and deeper ; wait , maybe not my "feelings" , but my "emotions" - I am not even sure

All I know is that I have never been able to admit (starting with to myself) that I was not a happy person - oh...ask my family and they will tell you I am not a happy person - but, really my co-workers and others who know me don't see that side of me - I can really hide it ; but you know as I look at myself I realize that is proberbly why I have no friends - I won't ever get very close to anyone - and yet I long for a real friend ...

but lately - I just want to cry ; I want to cry hard - I want to even die at times

You see, I am a believer in God - well, how can I admit that I am sad when I have God ? How can I be this way ? IF i were close to Him ; I would be happy - there was a time when it was that way - but I have walked away ; I have not been as good a friend to Him as He as to me - so, maybe that is why I am so sad ...

No, cause i have been this way for as long as I can remember

Now, I have a few questions - why ? who do I blame ? The crohns ? the joint pain , the neck and back pain , the knee pain ; my husband ! ??  ( and yet, I always go back to "there are others who have it so much worse and they are not miserable " !!! )

what is wrong with me ??? ...I want so badly to not feel this way ...

is it true that if you "think you are depressed" then you must not be depressed ? What is depression anyway ? Oh and by the way ...I am sooo afraid of taking drugs for this ..because I have seen others who have gotten worse by taking drugs ...

thanks so much for letting me vent ... for listening

Posted 4/30/2008 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
You've taken the first step of recognizing that you may need some help. There are therapies and meds (some short term, some long) that can help you. You don't need to suffer this way. Having a chronic illness like Crohn's is reason enough to find oneself in a period of depression. As you said there are many reasons for the way you feel; the important thing is that you don't need to feel this way. Please go see your doc have him or her recommend a therapist. You deserve to feel better. Don't let the fear of meds hold you back. I am not a doctor, but I urge you to allow yourself to start the treatment you may need. Best of luck to you.
Posted 4/30/2008 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
Everyone's pain is relative. Don't ever say that you don't deserve to be sad, because your pain isn't as bad as others.

I am sorry you are going through this. Depression is a horrible, horrible thing. I was severely depressed in my early twenties. I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for it. I tried many medications with no success. To tell you the truth, exercise and the support of my family is what got me through it.

I don't think it's true that if you think you're depressed that you must not be depressed. At the time of my troubles, I knew that what I was feeling wasn't normal. I knew what I was doing and that it was unhealthy for me to not eat for days at a time and to spend all day moping around the house. I knew it, but I couldn't do anything about it - or I didn't care to do anything about it.

One thing that you have going for you, that I didn't have when I was depressed is your faith. I was lost and honestly it wasn't until I reestablished my relationshipw ith the Lord that I truly healed my pain. I would advise you to go and talk to your pastor or whatever spiritual leader you have. They will help guide you and possible put you in touch with the right resources to get help.

Something I do know is that if left untreated, your depression will just get worse. You need to ge thelp while you still have your wits about you, while you know what is going on. Pray for help and seek out support from your family. If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to get support NOW!

Take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers. Remember that God loves you and will never give you more than you can handle.
Posted 4/30/2008 6:45 PM (GMT 0)

Man...it's like you took the words right out of my head!  And I have a sneaking feeling I'm not the only one on here who can COMPLETELY relate to what you're saying.

I feel just like that A LOT.  Particularly when I am so sick with my Crohn's that it limits me in what I can do and where I can go.  I get very depressed about that because it makes me feel SO alone.  Particularly because I don't have many friends. Not ones that can be "called on" in a time of real need.

I'm really bad about worrying about the future with this illness.  Right now, my parents can care for me, take me to doctor's appointments, etc. when I cannot do that for myself.  But one day they will be gone and I'm left with noone.  No husband, no kids, no brothers or sisters. Extended family have their OWN issues to deal with. So depression really sets in.  What will I do during those times my feet are so swollen I can't drive?  What about recovery from surgeries or just someone to drive me home after a colonoscopy?!

I've been so sick this year.  The worst yet I've had to deal with my Crohn's.  It's been awful.  Yet I know for a fact there are many Crohnies who'd take my symptoms in place of their own because they have it MUCH worse than me.  I find myself crying uncontrollably over the pain when I'm in the bathroom.  Then I find myself crying out to Jesus to stop the pain.  Then I cry out to God to say I'm sorry for being so selfish when there are so many others in this world suffering greater pains than my own.  How could I feel that way?  What kind of person does that make me?

My dad has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.  It was never talked about in our house until just within the past few years when I started to deal with it myself because of the Crohn's.  Depression is a REAL ILLNESS.  I get angry when people have the NERVE to say depression is all in someone's head.  It's like someone saying they can understand what us Chronies go through because they have IBS.  WHATEVER!!!  The "blues" can be mentally worked out but true depression is an MEDICAL ILLNESS that CAN be managable. 

I'm with you, though...I hate to take medication for depression, either.  I haven't yet.  I hate medication as it is.  My depression is directly linked to my Crohn's.  When I'm in a flare, I become very depressed, anxious and alone.  When I'm not in a flare and feeling good, I don't seem to notice the depression as much. Everyone's different, though.

So having said ALL that, I just want you to know that I HEAR YOU.  I UNDERSTAND and EMPATHIZE with you.  Hang in there! :-)

Posted 4/30/2008 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel too, I have been there and have been at the point of wanting to die from feeling hopeless and sad and alone, and have also been upset with myself for feeling sad when other people have worse problems than I do.

I would just like to say that you aren't doing anything wrong.  It is natural to get tired, sad, and even depressed from battling chronic illness or pain.  It wears out your body and is emotionally tiring as well.  No matter how "happy" someone would otherwise be, everyone will eventually get sad or depressed for some time when dealing with those types of health problems that return over and over or never go away.  Even if you lived in a mansion with servants to do all of your work and had tons of family and friends to accompany and support you and you slept on a pile of hundred dollar bills every night, you'd still get emotionally distressed from those darn recurring health problems!

There are lots of things you can try that are not medication, but a good start is to find someone to talk to who isn't going to criticize you or make you feel bad about yourself.  Even someone who will just listen and say "Wow, that sucks, I'm sorry." is a good start.  Emotional support is very important, and therapy can help too if you aren't sure where to turn.  Recognizing that you do not want to feel as sad as you do is a good thing, and although it may take time and you may become sad or depressed again despite making progress with your emotions, just doing something to try and improve your feelings is better than trying to tough it out.

Even doing something smalll, for example if all you do is say "Gee, I really like butterflies" and go look up some butterfly pictures for 20 minutes and find that you feel marginally less sad afterwards, that's doing something and it's good for your health to see what can help you.

Posted 4/30/2008 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
((((((((( Misterie ))))))))))) Really feeling for you Misterie. I'm sorry I didn't have time to read the posts after yours . . . so I'm sorry if this is repeat of others or if it conflicts with the others. Chronic illness CAUSES depression. Pain, illness, constant damage to your body, constant attempt by the body to repair itself and meds ALL use up our "feel good" brain chemicals. Things that build those chemicals are: length of daylight (so getting up early REALLY does help our outlook), exercise (even 15 minutes a day helps), good sleep and enough sleep. There are likely other things that help, but I can't remember them. Anyway if those things don't help, you really should see a doctor about this. Many of the regular members here take an anti-depressant. Anti-depressants don't actually give you that chemical. They help your body store it better. I have used them for years at a time and they have been a true God-send, making me more my old self again. I haven't needed them for a bit over a year, but I will go back on them in a heartbeat when I need them. I can't believe how much nicer "everyone else" was when I first started taking them. LOL . . . It took me a couple weeks to realize that it wasn't them, it was ME!!! We don't relate to others or receive information correctly when our brain is low on those chemicals. I hope you are able to get some relief sis. I really feel for you. Blessings!
Posted 4/30/2008 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
What I wanted to share with you is that I have lived with Crohns for over 32 years. I had depression back in '91 & '92 but that was because at the time my now ex husband had just up and left me and my kids. But I took Prozac for about 2 years and it helped at that time. I was also in remission at that time and had been for almost 15 years or so. So I know a little about depression.

My remission ended in 1998 and in 2002 I ended up having my first Crohns surgery and 3 years later another one. Did fine the whole time. But since the surgeries my Crohns is different. I am in remission, but because of mechanical problems created by the surgeries, if I have too much stress or eat the wrong food I get sick.

Then late last year I started to feel a little anxious. After awhile it seemed to get worse and worse, but like you I didn't want to take MORE meds. Ended up that it just got worse and I wound up sobbing in a doctors office about it. My family is completely supportive, my job is supportive and my coworkers are totally supportive. The problem was with me and I didn't know how to fix it.

Ended up taking some time off and the doctor prescribed me Xanax to help in those anxious times. Its helping alot for those really bad times I put myself into. I also just started therapy. I have been going since February 2008 and that has helped immensely. We live with a really ugly disease with ugly medications and ugly side effects. Who wouldn't get depressed or anxious with this disease.

So my word of advice to you, go talk to your family doc and see if you can get a referral to a good therapist. Maybe you can get lucky and find someone who specializes with chronic illness.

Just wanted to add that I will keep you in my prayers. I know how you feel. (((BIG HUGS)))
Posted 4/30/2008 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
Misterie,
Your words are an echo of what my daughter said to me when she was only five years old. We didn't understand then that her chronic "tummy aches" were crohn's. One day when she was seven she told me she felt like there was a little rain cloud that was always over her head and every night she just had to cry before she could go to sleep. She always had an underlying sadness in her pictures. She got therapy but we weren't able to start SSRI meds (what Rosie is talking about) until she was 16. Her life changed almost overnight. We didn't get her CD dx until the following year when the first fistula showed up but by then she was doing much better at handling things with the SSRI help.

Talk to your doctor about this. I have fibromyagia which depletes serotonin levels and one of the first treatments is antidepressants because they help hold the line on your serotonin. Go for it! Life can get better.
Posted 4/30/2008 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Chronic illness, stress, and the medications for the chronic illness can all change brain chemistry. Depression is a chemical inbalance in the neurotransmitters in the brain. It is not about who you are and you are not to blame.
SSRIs are a good start to getting back on track then therapy if you are in a position to get a good therapist can help you with learned thought patterns that reinforce and are reinforced by the chemical inbalance.
If you have diabetes you take insulin this is just a different chemical inballance there is no more shame or blame in taking antidepressents.
Sj
Posted 4/30/2008 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
yeah  

If I didn't take my Effexor every day I would be a walking, talking "bi-polar" bear (i'm not bi-polar though), I know this because I recently had to stop taking my Effexor for a few weeks because it was making me incredibly nauseous and I couldn't get into see my Dr. about it right away. I couldn't stand to be around myself and felt sorry for everyone who had to deal with me. It took me a long time before I could bring myself to talk to my Dr. about an anti-depressant but I just couldn't take the horrible mood swings anymore...one minute crying over nothing, the next I'm ripping someone's head off. I hated who I had become but I finally realized that I was (and still am) taking a steroid which caused mood swings (Entocort) plus I have suffered from severe PMS for several years now. Those two things coupled with living with CD, working full time, trying to make ends meet, etc...it was overwhelming me. I didn't like who I had become. Talking to a Dr. about it was the best thing I could have done. I have been on Effexor for a few years now with no negative side-effects, only positive effects. I still have mood swings, I'm not a zombie like some anti-depressants can turn you into, but the Effexor takes the edge off of my mood shifts and makes me much more relaxed and an overall happier person.

You should really think about talking to a Dr. about an anti-depressant...it just might change your life. Good luck to you!

Posted 4/30/2008 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
I'm in your shoes ,I can feel your pain,I'm going to start seeing the therapist on the 6th. I know I can't do it alone anymore. I like you believe in GOD, but I feel he has forgot me at times. I know deep in my heart hes there. I read the footprints in the sand poem, and I know he's carrying me... I use to be a Deacon at my church, I was a Sunday school teacher, I was there every Sunday. When I started all this I couldn't make it, now I'm lucky if I go three or four times a year. Between the pain, D, and just feeling rotten, I can't seem to get up and go.... I told my Paster God was mad at me .....She asked why I would think that ....I said of all the things he could have gave me, He Gave Me The Sh.........s. Most people laugh but in the back of my mind I sometimes feel that way. I know I'm depressed, everyone around me knows I'm depressed, and now I'm going to get some help..... Don't wait make the call, it might take a few to get in. It's taken 3 weeks to get in and a still have a week to go. I think at times the CD is bigger than us..Good luck and remember its not your or anyones fault....God be with you....




Ne Ne
Posted 5/1/2008 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
Paxil REALLY helped me ALOT with depression and anxiety!!!!
Posted 5/1/2008 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
I want to send you a hug and let you know that we are all here for you.

God bless you,sm
Posted 5/1/2008 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
Please talk to your doctor about getting a referral to a therapist that understands and works with clients with chronic illness. Depression is not your fault, and you can't talk yourself out of it, or try to make yourself feel guilty because others are worse off. A therapist can give you many techniques for dealing with the overwhelming challenges of being ill, and also help you figure out whether or not you need medication. I would feel like an imposter if I didn't admit to you that I'm a mental health therapist..but I'm also someone who struggles with my Crohn's every day, and I truly do understand depression. You will be so glad once you get help, and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner! Good luck and hugs to you!
Posted 5/1/2008 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
Misterie, I totally understand what you are going through. I am 48 (closer to 49) and have had crohn's now for 27 years. I've had 2 bowel resections due to obstructions and am presently on Humira. In the past I believe I've always dealt with my disease well and coped and accepted it as being a part of my life. But lately in the past several years especially lately I've been feeling just as you are. I feel depressed. I feel that almost everything is overwhelming for me and often have crying spells. I like yourself don't show it and hide it pretty well. I don't like to talk to friends or family much about this. I've been taking anti-depressants for several years now. I feel they really help me especially when I feel that I am unable to focus on anything or feeling nervous or anxious. My GP has recommended I see a therapist, and finally I decided to. I think after seeing her it helps, she gives me and makes me understand that I am worthy and helps me to understand my negative thoughts. Perhaps it would be a good idea to consider this and don't be afraid of taking medication it may help you. I too very much believe in God and do feel that he hands us what we are capable of handling. And at the end of the day it will make us better people. Try to find what it is you like to do and do it . Someway along the years we sometimes forget who we once were and have to rediscover ourselves.

My heart goes out to you...
Posted 5/1/2008 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hey there,
I just wanted to let you know as you can see you are not alone. That is how I feel right now and I have a good husband and family and some decent friends. I am not THAT sick like some here either and have said the same as you, how can I complain there are those with worse etc...
I am seeing a psychiatrist occasionally and for medication that helps but dosn't get rid of these feelings. All normal. IF I wasn't on medication I would be a basket case(more than usual!)
So see about some help and don't judge youself so harshly please.
Posted 5/1/2008 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
As I cry reading your replies I want to say thank you everyone
you have given me hope and comfort in knowing that maybe , just maybe what i have felt ALL my life - and times like now ( when its worse than i can handle) could be really medical - not just that I am a horrible person ...but maybe it is the disease messing with my chemicals ...

thank you so much
because I have an appt with my reg doc today and I think I will finally let loose and tell him I need help

how can people I have never met, or seen appear to really care ? When those around us who know us seem to not care ?
Okay ..so maybe it is only ME ...and I can get past this
on to work now ...
love you all - i really do
Posted 5/1/2008 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Way To go Girlfriend. You let loose on that doctor and start LIVING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yippppeeeee,sm
Posted 5/1/2008 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Misterie we are all here for you and eachother, and I love everyone here too. I am glad to hear you will be talking to your doc. Once you realize you have a problem with depression, that is half the battle. And I am sure the doc today, will help you conquer the other half.

God never gives us more than we can handle, although at times it seems like He thinks we are alot stronger than we think we are:)

Keep coming here and venting. Thats what we are all here for.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 5/1/2008 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Misterie, Those around you have had your issues slip up on them a tiny bit at a time. Sometimes the ones closest to us think this is just our normal behavior and most people think you could snap out of it if you wanted to. On this forum, you are surrounded by other chronically ill people who understand the struggle and balance required to appear normal. So, you have a community . . . a family . . . who really do support each other. Isn't it a blessing!!!! I do way more reading than posting at the Crohn's forum . . . but I get so much out of other's posts because it helps me sort thru my own issues. I hope you will update us on your doctor visit. Hang in there Misterie. Blessings!
Posted 5/2/2008 6:59 AM (GMT 0)
Love and prayers to you. Hang in there...things WILL get better!
I've been there.... started taking antidepressants and antianxiety meds 4 years ago. They really help
I resisted taking anything for years , feeling that this was a failure on my part, especially because of my very strong faith in God.
But then someone reminded me of the story of the fellow who was dying of cancer and asked God , please help me, please heal me.
A day later, a cancer specialist knoked on his door, and said...I heard you have cancer and needed help...I will do everything in my power to help you. The fellow said, oh no , that's not necessary, God will heal me.
A day later, another specialist knocks on the door....again he sent the dr. away saying that he had faith that God would save him.
A naturapath, a dietician, etc etc....all turned away, because God was going to heal him.
The fellow dies of cancer and ends up face to face with God. He says, God what happened ...You were supposed to heal me. God said....you fool....I tried....I sent you 2 specialists and a variety of other qualified people whose intelligence and gifts came from me....You refused all my help.
The help is there for you to get.... Misterie, you will get the help you need and you will be feeling much better soon. Take it from someone who refused the help for many years and then finally smartened up.... My mind and spirit got better and pretty soon, my physical self was improving too.
God Bless you
Love and prayers
Mary
Posted 5/2/2008 12:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Misterie,

I see that you have received some wonderful words of comfort and I am so glad you are going to see your doctor.  I am a student of psychology and I would like to share a couple numbers I have read in the literature. 

First, there are several different types of depression ranging from mild to severe.  The course of an individuals depression changes over time also.  One type of depression is caused by medical conditions (like Crohn's!).  It is called a "secondary" depression because the primary issue is the chronic illness.  Up to 40 % of individuals with Crohn's Disease will have a depressive episode in their lifetime.  You are not alone! 

Also, it is not unusual for the person suffering from depression to question whether their sadness is really bad enough to seek help.  I would rather you go and see your doctor if you are wondering.  80% of people with depression feel better after they begin to receive treatment!  You don't have to use medication to get results.  In mild to moderate cases, therapy is measured to be as effective as antidepressant, although it does take longer to feel results.  Most doctors may recommend a combination of therapy and medication. 

Keep us posted!

 

Posted 5/2/2008 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
All great input here IMHO

I am doing the Techniques ( self help) cognitive behavioural therapy relaxation and others as well as on Valium as needed

I totally agree so mny with chronic illness have anxiety/stress Panic and depression

It needs to be checked out by your doc

YOU must be totally open and honest with your doc to get the proper DX and TX you need to help you
WE get waht you are going thru as we are or have gone thru it as well ...IMHO
Baby steps also work
Count your successes no matter how small they may seem at the time.......

Just my half penny today

Lyn
Posted 5/2/2008 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Misterie and all,

Here's a big hug, firstly: ((((((hug)))))))

You may be very pleasantly surprised if you address your depression with a health professional. Please do. The meds are definitely worth it.

I also think Crohn's aggravates it b/c it causes malabsorption of nutrients which we need for good brain function.

There is an involuntary nerve (vegal? Vargal?) that runs directly from brain to gut and back again. So I think depression affects our innards and our innards affect our brain.

I have also found that taking a good multi-vitamin and eating as healthy as possible - getting those B vitamins in enriched flour - has really helped too.

Also if there is a 12-step program that applies to you - it is a wonderful spiritual journey that helped me change so much of my "stinking" thinking. If there isn't one , take one and change the words in the first step to apply to you. I use "mental health" and "Crohn's" in that first step.

Also, "Just For Today" is a lovely, helpful guide to living - although it seemed absurd at first lol.

Lots of love and let us know how you are doing!
Posted 5/2/2008 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
Also sit out and get some sun of your face and body. I dont know where you live but when I lived in Kentucky those dreary grey winters were terrible t really depressed me and made my whole body ache.
I moved back to Florida where sunshine is part of my daily retinue it makes me feel wonderful.
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