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Posted 6/22/2008 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hiya Everyone

Crohns colitis

18 years diagnosed 2000

Currently on Infliximab and methotrexate

I just wondered how Crohns has affected your relationships.. if at all! You see to me, my Crohns is a constant source of embarassment - something to conceal. The majority of my friends don't even know that I have it, let alone know about the endless trips to the bathroom and the threat of the colostomy bag. I just don;t want them to see that side of me.

Part of me would love to b in a relationship but the thought of the constant excuses and pretence would just be exhausting..and the thought of staying overnight at his or going on holiday together fills me with dread.I miss being so carefree.

My family are great though - they are the only people I feel i can be myself around. We make jokes about it and its fine.

So although a boyfriend is something i would like - in the ideal world, I just don't think i could handle it. And part of me would feel like I would be cheating them, if i entered a relationship keeping it from them. Almost like 'false advertising' if you get me. I know a lot of you think love should be unconditonal, but thats not somethng thats on a lot of 18 year olds minds really. So i think for me, I resign myself to being single - free from the pretence and embarassment - and that can only b a gd thing!

Anyone felt the same? Or do some of you have a completely different view?

 

Posted 6/22/2008 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
SKR -

Greetings. I understand. For me, dating is a not an option I choose right now (bad pain and pre-teen to raise). I have dated and told them about my CD. Some are good about it; other's not so much. Just remember (I need to remind myself of this as well) the "right one" will be understanding and supportive. I tried to keep my CD to just my family members when first diagnosed because I was in a denial state of mind. Now, I accept it and don't really care who knows. One thing about me, though, I have never really given a poo what anyone cares about me. I live my life the way I want to. If people like me great; if they do not it's their problem not mine.

Don't know if my words will be supportive???? Intended to... but at times my words are not so much. I mean well. :-)
Posted 6/22/2008 7:57 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Texas, because there is just no way to hide this kind of disease for any long term period. Unless you are in a flare (and have to leave the table for the bathroom multiples times, I would keep it to after the 5th date thing. Plus, why live a lie? It is not authentic and is not in your best interest.
Posted 6/22/2008 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi SKR I am totally open with my crohns but I am not looking for to be dating although I think you as a younger person should certainly be dating. I managed with IBS for years with the D and all .Don't let crohn's cheat you out of life and it's wonders. Hope you"ll feel more confident in time. lol gail
Posted 6/22/2008 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
I have crohn's colitis too and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. I have been DX for almost a year and he is the most supportive person ever. I know what you mean though most guys your age wouldn't be like that, but then again some are. You have to give them a chance to be supportive. When you feel comfortable in the relationship let them know about your crohn's, if they aren't willing to be your rock and accept you then you deserve better.
Posted 6/22/2008 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
I am older much older than you and I am with the most wonderful and sympathic and caring man in the world. He married me knowing how sick I can get, but still loves me anyways. When I am sick he is right there taking care of me, holding my hair out of my face when I am puking my guts out etc. I tell you this because I want you to know there are good people out there who will love you for you. Don't let this d*mn disease take love away from you. Navy made a good point, maybe wait a few dates to tell him, but don't let this disease stop you. Good luck!
Posted 6/22/2008 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
I am a somewhat younger man with Crohn's disease, almost 29 now. I have found that it does make
having a girlfriend harder , for me anyways. Somebody was right when they said that they missed being
carefree. I've found that its harder to be out and about to meet women. Probably going a little far here but sometimes I think that I will be a single guy forever because of this. Sorry, probably not what anybody wanted
to hear, but that is honestly how I feel about my own situation at times.
Posted 6/23/2008 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
I'll let you know. My relationships were a train wreck before my dx. I'm looking now, but what to say?

Matthew
Posted 6/23/2008 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
HI SKR, I know what you mean, it is hard and you are young, and young guys think differently than when they are older.  I am on my 3rd marriage, I have had symptoms of crohns the Big D and mysterious long bouts of fevers, flu like symptoms. My husband now, is the most caring, one in a million.  I was upfront right from the beginning but at that time I was sort of in remission from a prior surgery.  He didnt know what crohns was until I told him a bit, then he read books, and asked around, and I got sick, he married me 1 year later and that was 8 years ago we met.  We both believe in the "honesty is the best policy".  He has been the only one to my surgeries, and my doc appts.  He supports me tremendously.  I would say in  your  age group and there is no initial "love at first site thing" if they dont understand or move on, then the hurt isnt there as much.  It is when you keep something from someone a long time, they get angry and wonder what else your hiding.  Best of luck, stay strong, and you need to get out there.  Take care.
Posted 6/23/2008 12:40 AM (GMT 0)
I totally understand how you feel! When I got hit with CD back 8 years ago I was married to a guy who I thought was the greatest thing. Well,
when I got sick, he couldn't deal with it. It was like I was now damaged and he just couldn't deal. So he went off and cheated on me and
I caught him. But it was the best thing he ever did. Our marriage was going down the drain before I got sick so it was just the icing on
the cake. Anyway, we divorced and about a year after I was ready to date again. When I started dating, I was upfront and honest
with the few guys that came through. A few left and one didn't care what was wrong with me, he loved me for who I was. We
have since married and July 4th will be our 5th anniversary!! He is wonderful through it all. So don't beat yourself up over it.
If you want to find love, go find it!!! Don't let this disease stop you, otherwise you will miss out on alot!!!
Posted 6/23/2008 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
When you're with (or when you find) the right person (and they are out there) it won't matter that you have an illness to them.

:)
Posted 6/23/2008 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
SKR said... My family are great though - they are the only people I feel i can be myself around. We make jokes about it and its fine. Hi SKR, (((((((((((((((( SKR )))))))))))))))) You have perfectly normal fear. But you've answered your own question. Your new relationship will become as comfortable as you are with your family. Its pretty hard to share intimately even when everything is "normal" . . . but if you risk nothing, you'll also gain nothing. Its a pretty standard equation even for folks with no physical problems. I think you will eventually look back be glad you took a chance on love. Blessings!
Posted 6/23/2008 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
well, I'll be a bit more to the other side...see when I was diagnosed I was with my then boyfriend/now husband, and he had NO idea what crohns was, but he was there with me for the tests and diagnosis and even after, he learned a bit about the disease and learned that it was the reason for some of my strange eating/bathroom behavior.....but it never caused us problems...now 10 years later he's my husband and when I have hospital trips he's at my side and when I am sick he's the one who makes me soup and lets me stay in bed all I need to get better..its VERY nice to have someone at your side to support even if they can never fully understand.
My friends I was a bit wary to tell, but most of them got into nursing so medical problems aren't much to them..and I found out one of thier husbands as irritable bowel, so finding out I had crohns gave HIM someone to talk to and get advice from, it worked out okay that he found out.
I WON'T tell people I work with, thats my choice...but my friends are my friends and they like me disease and all and when you find the right guy, its worth it and no problems there.
In a new relationship or even friendship the crohns isn't something I come out immediately with, but more when I know the person and know I like them enough to trust them. but its never as bad as you think.
Posted 6/23/2008 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
My last boyfriend was very supportive.  We broke up before I went into this current flare (before Remicade quit working)...  I've been sick since Oct '07 and haven't really felt well enough to have the energy to date.  However, I am starting to come around now and am ready to try again.  I am not in remission, just starting to get better (no fevers/night sweats).  I saw a quote from Marilyn Monroe that made a lot of sense to me...  "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"  The truth is we all have issues of one sort or another.  Hang in there!
Posted 6/23/2008 10:26 AM (GMT 0)
Its really insightful reading your replies...some of u are very fortunate to have ppl so supportive.. which gives the rest of us a bit hope. Take care
Posted 6/23/2008 2:50 PM (GMT 0)

Hi:

I love a man who has both CD and celiac disease.  He has the double whammy and he eliminated relationships from his life for over 8 years.  I look at it this way; life throws curves; at least I know going in what the score is.  I could be dx'd with cancer or some other awful illness at any time too and he wouldn't stop loving me.  Don't take away the choice of a good lady to care about you - you are much more than CD. It's up to you whether you allow it to be the verdict on your life.  Sick or not, you will have to kiss some witches before you find the right lady. In my humble opinion.

klsygal

Posted 6/23/2008 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
little sidebar...klsygal, I am still watching for your email!

back to the post, SKR, like all the other posts, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. your age does make such a difference...at 49, I tell EVERYONE about my guts, but they are all dealing with medical stuff that comes with middle-age, too. I hope you feel like you can open up to some of your friends. most young women actually are pretty happy to be helpful and listen, so find some girl buddies to hang with.
everything is a challenge at 18 (I teach college, and have young adult kids, so I know). it is to be sick at 18. so I have no answers, just my sympathy. yp
Posted 6/23/2008 4:39 PM (GMT 0)
great way to find out u married the wrong person :) so it is sort of a blessing
Posted 6/23/2008 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!" I freaking love that.

I think guys have a bit of an advantage in this area (but I also think girls got it good to I can and have used a male bathroom, plus no body raises their eyebrows at me buying pads) you could bring out her Florence Nightingale syndrome....LOL
Posted 6/23/2008 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
The first time I met my bf, who has Crohn's & an ostomy bag, he was completely up front about it and it has never been anything but a topic of conversation since...I fell in love wth the person, not the circumstances. He felt very much like you do now, never thinking that he could have an intimate relationship until it has been reversed. After 2 months together, I have seen everything that he never wanted me to and I still love him for who he is. The intimacy works around how he is feeling but he still feels like he can't be who is really wants to be - I'm not sure that feeling will ever subside.

One of the things that initally attracted me so strongly, was his courage to persue a relationship in spite of the trips to the washroom, the odd sounds that happen at inopportune moments, the physical hazzards (that have occured more than once), and the possibility of rejection. This disease has not stopped him from finding happiness and that makes me love him even more.

I sincerley hope you find someone that falls in love with YOU for who you are, CD and all...
Posted 6/23/2008 7:24 PM (GMT 0)

JustMeAndYou said...
The first time I met my bf, who has Crohn's & an ostomy bag, he was completely up front about it and it has never been anything but a topic of conversation since...I fell in love wth the person, not the circumstances. He felt very much like you do now, never thinking that he could have an intimate relationship until it has been reversed. After 2 months together, I have seen everything that he never wanted me to and I still love him for who he is. The intimacy works around how he is feeling but he still feels like he can't be who is really wants to be - I'm not sure that feeling will ever subside.

One of the things that initally attracted me so strongly, was his courage to persue a relationship in spite of the trips to the washroom, the odd sounds that happen at inopportune moments, the physical hazzards (that have occured more than once), and the possibility of rejection. This disease has not stopped him from finding happiness and that makes me love him even more.

I sincerley hope you find someone that falls in love with YOU for who you are, CD and all...

It's nice and caring people like you make this disease easier to bare!  You are a gem, and a rare one at that! Cheers.
Posted 6/23/2008 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
"I fell in love wth the person, not the circumstances"

That is so sweet!

I am 40 and diagnosed a few years ago. My hubby has been very supportive and is so wonderful. But I can't deny that its been hard for him. He's had to take on alot of work when I am not feeling good, in taking care of the kids, etc. It's not exactly the most sexy disease in the world either is it? LOL. Well, I guess we didn't get to pick so we have to have a laugh about it when we can and do the best we can with what we have.

My advice to an 18 year old would just be to concentrate on feeling as good as you can, and being confident in your own beauty and charm. The opposite sex (or whichever you are looking for) is attracted by self confidence, so try not to worry about appearances and what other people think of you. Be yourself and be strong and that is the sexyest thing anyone can be. On the other hand I cannot name 1 single 18 year old who is not a mess of insecurities, and that is just part of being that age too. As a matter of fact most people no matter what age are a mess of insecurities. :::shakes head:::
Posted 6/23/2008 11:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I understand I am divorced for about 13 yrs. My ex-wife could not handle the crohn's.
Posted 6/24/2008 4:28 AM (GMT 0)

I totally understand what you are going through. my first few bf's I hid it from them, they didn't last very long. I found that it made me sicker. I am 22 now. I have been in my current relationship for 2 years and 4 months, we now have a 3 1/2 month old daughter. I'm really lucky though because my bf lived with a really good friend of his who had crohn's 10 times worse than I do. To the point where he has been told that he won't live very long because he treats his body like crap. He always jokes with me that I don't stink up the bathroom halfs as bad as friend. LOL. Anyways when I was 18 it was really hard with all the symptoms staying at the guys house and all that goes with that devil . I eventually learned over time to be very open. If people ask I tell them exactly what they want to know. . . .sometimes being a little to open tongue  lol. I'm not scared anymore to do the things I have to do to make myself feel better. Like let her rip in the bathroom when I can't hold it anymore waiting for people to leave the bathroom. Just time will make things easier, trust me it will come. I always thought I would be embarassed, but now everything is out of necessity, not how I want things to be. One thing I have to say though is, I never dated anyone my own age. My bf is 8 yrs older than I am. The older the better I think, they have more experience with issues. The good ones are very far and few between so if you find one hold on tight. I hope to ask my sweetie next year on our 3rd yr anniversary to marry me. Unfortunately he's not the romantic kind so I am going to take things into my own hands yeah . Smiles :). I hope things go well for you in the search for love. Another tip don't rush things, let them flow and slow. You will know when you've found the right one. They support everything you do and go through. Good luck once again and good travels.

Posted 6/24/2008 4:40 PM (GMT 0)
I am just coming to terms with Crohn's Disease from being diagnosed in Dec of 2007. At first, it was hard describing everything to my friends, and to some of them they still don't understand, which really bothers me. But I feel better everytime I explain the situation to them and whats going on. I thought that being hospitalized and taking 40mg of Prednisone for 3 months would have woken them up. It took having an allergic reaction to Remicade and missing work to get some of friends to start understanding.

I have always been a very spontaneous person, ready to do something without thinking twice. That has changed now, and I think that's the biggest adjustment for everyone around me. Because I'm not acting myself. In time, people will understand. I had just started a new relationship when I was diagnosed. the girl was immature and had to go. It all depends on the person.

My mom has had Crohn's for 15 years and summed it up best. "You're still in a grieving process, and it takes time to get over the fact that you're living with a disease and it is new to you."

We need to realize that everyone else around us is experiencing the same thing for us. Time heals all. Eventually it will heal my Crohn's and I will be back to myself.
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