HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Tummy...and Man troubles

Support Forums
>
Crohn's Disease
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 7/2/2008 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, so I have nowhere else to vent about this and it’s not horribly off-topic because I have been so nervous and stressed out lately that my stomach has been bad. It’s 8am and I’ve already been to the bathroom 3 times today—this doesn’t bode well for the rest of my day at work.

My situation: I am currently engaged to a man I met at work and have been extremely happy with for almost a year now. We’ve recently been putting our wedding details into place (I finally found my dream dress- burgundy!) A couple of weeks ago I get an e-mail from my ex (we dated just before I met my fiancé. I broke up with him because I was uncomfortable with the situation…I call it date rape, he doesn’t) that he is going to be working in the same building as me—on the same floor!- and would I like to have lunch to “make peace.” I said no to lunch, but I told him I was sure we’d both be able to work together professionally. He has since asked me to lunch two or three times and mentioned that he is always at my building (we work for the state, and his unit was moved from one location downtown to the one I work at) and we should do lunch. I am now so nervous that I’m going to run into him and not be sure of what my reaction will be that it’s affecting my stomach and causing me to have more D than usual.

I’m not sure what to do and mostly I just wanted to vent somewhere I know there won’t be any judgment. If anyone has any suggestions on how to calm myself down to avoid the big D or general advice, I’d appreciate it.
Posted 7/2/2008 3:45 PM (GMT 0)

tell him you said no to lunch...and you are saying no to everything else including any further contact...if possible do this writing or with a witness and then if he contacts you again report him to HR and file a harrassment charge...it sounds like he has aproblem with the word NO or at the very least he is not hearing it correctly from you. 

When or if you do "run" into him simply nod or give a flat hello only if he acknowledges you first, but do not engage him in converstaion and if he tries to engage you in any conversation or stands in your way impeding your travels...Say very sternly and in a strong but level voice  "I have asked you to leave me alone and not to speak with me, if you persist I will have to file a complaint."  leave it at that and walk away.

You may be very surprised by how empowering it will be to assert yourself in the manner describe above...YOU take control of the situation and your stress level will lower.

good luck

Posted 7/2/2008 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
I would not beat around the bush with the other guy. Tell him you are involved with someone else now and planning on getting married and at this time you feel its best that you two stay on a professional level only. Tell him straight out you are not interested in lunch or anything else with him. As for the anxiety I would suggest you talk to your PCP about something like Xanax for the anxiety, it really helps me in those tough times.

Just wanted to send you (((BIG HUGS))) too.
Posted 7/2/2008 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with the others, if you see him just say hi and go your own way and don't really stop. I had a bit of a stalker at work lately too, even though he knew I was married and so was he, it got to a point I finally just reported it, got him a good old warning and now he doesn't even look at me much less say hi, so that worked out. Maybe have a talk with your boss and let him/her know whats going on privately so they know (maybe they can make sure the person DOESN'T start off on your floor of work, get him transferred to another floor at least).
Posted 7/2/2008 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there, take it from someone who has been married a 3rd time and I believe this with all my heart.  Honesty is the best policy, I would tell your finance what is going on and be the first.  Your ex, if he gets wind of your plans he could purposely try to ruin for you, because of a testosterone ego thing some men have.  You could run the risk of losing both, and that my dear is not fair. Dont give in to this ex, and as the others say here, report it if he doesnt stop.  Good luck, you have done nothing wrong.  I am sure  you will do the right thing. yeah
Posted 7/2/2008 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
No worries about that, my fiance knows everything. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about losing him- he's in for the long haul!
Posted 7/2/2008 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Just wanted to say that you need to just let the past go and not let someone who just didn't work out influence your newfound happiness. Best Wishes on your new life. lol gail
Posted 7/3/2008 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
I wouldn't give him the time of day. You are not "required" to even acknowledge his presence unless you work in the same office and your work would require communication to complete your tasks. You said "NO" and you do not need to offer any explanations. Your personal life is YOURS and he is not in the picture anymore. I agree that should he continue to persue you...file an HR complaint. Nip it in the bud upon "running into him in the building" and be firm and assertive. Most men like him are cowards at heart to treat a woman like that in the first place and a HR complaint should scare him away. Obviously he is attracted to you because you are the "game" he couldn't snare. Glad to here you have more self respect than that and hope your tummy settles soon!
Posted 7/3/2008 1:27 PM (GMT 0)

not creative said...
No worries about that, my fiance knows everything. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about losing him- he's in for the long haul!

Proud of you, you are a keeper!  Congrats on your upcoming engagement/wedding plans! Tell the other guy, that your just NOT interested and never will be! Good luck. 
Posted 7/3/2008 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with the rest. Let him know you are not interested in lunch and inform him not to contact you anymore. He is harassing you and could be effecting your work. o need to explain too much too him just be obvious you do not want to talk to him. He definitely needs a strong "no" and let him know you won't change your mind. Send an email or a note if you have to but make sure he knows you have no desire to socialize with him. I would contact HR also if the firm no does not work.  I had a ex contact me when I was engaged a million years ago :) and I told him I was getting married and happy and he never called back. He must have hoped I was available. good luck and try not to stress yourself over it! I am glad you found a keeper! Have a great marriage. Karen
Posted 7/3/2008 10:24 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the support, guys; it's exactly what I needed!
Posted 7/3/2008 10:56 PM (GMT 0)
no contact order?
Posted 7/4/2008 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with everyone except I would let HR know about the problem now and at the very next contact or now if you feel the need go with MMMNavy's suggestion and get a no contact order. Once you have done either follow up immediately with appropriate action if he does contact you. He should not contact you even to so called apologize for his behavior.
Good luck, enjoy your life with the keeper and don't tolerate anything that makes you feel unsafe.
Sj
Posted 7/4/2008 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
Let me say this as an advocate and a former LEO

The reason why I am saying no contact order is the number one place former partners stalk and kill their victims is at work. Do not wait to for this situation to escalate, it can be nothing but bad. Do not work with him. Do not tolerate any contact.

Hey, you might not feel this way right now, but please take steps to protect yourself.
Posted 7/4/2008 5:16 AM (GMT 0)
I'll probably get into trouble for saying this but, your sending mixed signals to this guy and he sounds dangerous to me. You need to be very sure of yourself. Tell him,, NO,, in no uncertain terms and mean it. If he persists, go to the police.
Posted 7/4/2008 7:46 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with the "no contact' route! These guys, and he sounds like the type...don't ever take no for an answer. The harder the chase the more exciting it is for them... and also...he's probably not in the least bit interested in apologizing or any such thing... he probably got wind of the fact that you are getting married...and thinks if he can't have you no one else can either. These are dangerous, dangerous men.... believe me. You have to take steps to protect yourself. Make sure your co-workers are aware of what he looks like and that he is to be no where near you...that is if you have co-workers that are approachable in this matter.
My ex was such a man.... and I can't tell you all the awful and horrible things he has done and what our lives have been like for the last 12 years.
Keep us posted ok.... worried about you.
mary
Posted 7/5/2008 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
I would file a no contact order and let you HR know of this also. No explanation.
Posted 7/6/2008 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Uhm maybe your fiance should meet with him for lunch!!!
Posted 7/7/2008 6:53 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with the notify HR idea. It's always good to cover your tracks, and that's exactly what HR is there for. Take advantage of them. It seems like a pretty awful situation, I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. What are the chances? Make sure HR is aware of the situation so that if anything does happen, they have the record that you notified them in the beginning.

Good stress reliever: Puzzles. Every time I get stressed I do puzzles. It completely takes my mind off of what's going on in my life. When my son was born I went through a lot of stressful situations with my in-laws and ended up with a whole closet full of puzzles. If you try it and it works for you, let me know and I'll mail them to you.

Good luck. Sounds like you got a keeper in your fiancee. Congrats.
Posted 7/7/2008 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Please, I am not trying to scare you, but this same sort of thing happened to my step-sister.  She thought he loved her and would not hurt her.  Wrong, he loved himself.  She met with him, and he shot her several times.  She is now paralyzed from the chest down.  No one could talk her out of it.  She was convinced she knew him, that he just wanted to apologize, and now she learned the hard way that you never really know what a person is thinking.  She was with him for 5 years.  She moved on, and he couldn't take it.  He told the court that if he couldn't have her, no one would.  Very cliche, but true.  This happened when she was 23.  Please, take everyone's advice.  Don't wait until it is too late.
Posted 7/7/2008 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
The only thing I would add is don't explain or make excuses.  Any contact, any conversation is encouragement to people like this.  They've forced a response from you, and once they know they can do it, they'll keep on doing it.  I absolutely agree that you should let HR know about the situation, and definitely consider the no contact order.  Good luck, be safe.

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply