sex, relationships and crohns

I've been single for nearly 4 years now, and I was doing the whole internet dating thing until I flared up again in July. Now I don't even bother trying to meet anyone online or otherwise because I just feel like I can't have a relationship at the moment. I can't have sex, I don't even really want sex, and I couldn't be bothered having to justify myself to someone all the time when I'm feeling ill, which is quite often. It's just so much easier to only have to worry about me. That said part of me really misses having someone, and would like to meet someone, but I feel I have a long way to go yet before I can even consider meeting anyone.

This thread gives us hope though that it is possible to be with someone with this disease, but it's not easy. I was in a relationship for 8 years, and although he tried to understand it, he was never that sympathetic when I was really ill sometimes. When I met him I was in remission for the first two years, so he never really got the full impact of it till he'd been with me a while, had he known how bad it would get to start with, I don't think he'd have carried on seeing me.

Fortunately for me as I  have had long periods of remission I have been able to date and have relationships (I just have terrible taste in men lol) and was always quite open about having Crohn's with a kind of "well it doesn't bother me so it certainly shouldn't bother you" attitude. But now my disease is more active I find it harder to tell people, I'm one of those who hates to be seen as a pain in the A.

I've had two bad relationships (I say bad as in the way there were about my illness) my first boyfriend who I was with for 8 months before I fell ill for the first time upped and left when I got taken into hospital - after a month of him accusing me of faking it to avoid him and being a hypochondriac blah blah blah then into hospital I go, when he gets told I'm in hospital he just said "hope she gets better soon" and I never hear from him again! Nice!
And one lad whose mum has Crohn's so I expected him to have an understanding of it, but at the time I was going through a bad morning phase so I wouldn't stay the night as I like to be in my own house so I can deal with my symptoms and take my meds, and he called me a liar and accused me of a being a player and said I wouldn't stay the night and often I'd miss calls from him in the morning as I was in the bathroom (which he saw as avoiding his calls even though I'd phone back when I saw them) so my 'other boyfriend' wouldn't suspect - and that I was using Crohn's as a way to play people - needless to say I got rid of him sharp!

One of my exes, he knew I had Crohn's but for the first two months had no idea how ill I actually was as I hid it, I didn't eat meals around him and worked my mealtimes and meds around making it so when I saw him I was symptom free and perky. It was only when one day I threw up in front him, I was mortified but he was so kind and from then on I admitted I wasn't very well and hard as it was for me dropped my stubborness and let him look after me when I was having a bad time. He did some research and learned 'Crohn's cooking' as he called it to make sure I was eating properly sometimes I felt a bit like a project but I know he did it because at the time he cared. Even though that relationship went down the pan I'll always be grateful as he showed me that it was OK to admit to being ill and not all people would be freaked out by it and it did teach my stubbornly independent self to let people look after me when I need it.

I have UC but I always worry about not being able to find someone. To begin with, I'm shy, introverted, average- looking, and I like boring things. So I'm not the type of girl guys want anyway. But when a pooping disease is added on top of that...it feels completely hopeless!

But it is nice to hear that some of you have found great significant others!

Shy ? Introverted ? Like boring things ? Why, you would love me ! We were made for each other, Bookworm. Assuming you could ever fit in my front door, past the stacks of books. :yeah
Please tell me you live in Scotland and like older men....

for me, being diagnosed came while i was going through  a very painful divorce. I had been married for 11 years, and I raised his 3 children from another marriage. at first i thought i was just having stress issues, but it kept getting worse, and turned out to be crohns. that was 3 years ago, and i have not dated since then. i just feel too rotten to date- it is all that i can do to go to work every day. i hope that sometime i will find someone, but i can't seem to feel well enough to care right now. most of the plans that i make i end up canceling because of this DD, and i have gained 30 lbs in the past 2 years. so i don't feel very attractive. i keep hoping that things will change "once I feel better". a girl can hope, right?

I too have a wonderful man in my life. I was diagnosed with crohns 3 months after we met, and he has spend the last 4 years going through the ups and downs of crohns with me. I know sometimes he finds it hard, not because of any problem he has with my illness but because I get v depressed and that gets him down too.

All of my friends and workmates know I have crohns - I find it easier that people know. My way of delaing with this is to crack jokes at myself. Generally I find people v supportive.

However saying that it must be hard to be in your 20's the dating scene is so much different at that age (Im 40) and people of that age base so much on the physical side of things. But along with this there will be a lot of lovely kind and understanding men and women of this age too.

And yes I find sex painful too at times, It kinda puts my fella off because he is scared of causing me more pain

^ It's very true that love tends to come along when you stop looking, or so it's always seemed for me. It all has to do with attitude though, you are more likely to attract people if you are open about your condition and try to stay optimistic and make jokes. I was not this way at first. As I've said though, I'm 20, and at first it was a bit weird for me. The first weekend that I met my boyfriend, I had my first flare, and I was constantly trying to cover up my bathroom trips and everything. It actually worked pretty well, he didn't even catch on to where I was disappearing to! LOL. As I've gotten used to being sick though, I've learned that the best thing to do is be open with people and try to keep a smile on your face. It won't scare as many people off as you'd think :)

ive been with my partner 6 years come august hes my life my friend my soulmate if a guy truly loves and respects you then he will accept you for the person you are regardless as he says its part of the package i guess you just need to find that special someone!
I know intimacy is important in a relationship but theres more to a relationship then sex and he understands with what i go through when im in bed for weeks the last thing on your mind is making love with your partner for 1 you dont have the energy and 2 not always possible when your ass/head are constantly down the loo lol!

lost count of the number of times hes spent with me in the loo!had to take me to a@e at all hrs in the morning!played domestic engineer for weeks.

everyday i tell him how much i love i feel thats important ours is not a relationship how do you define relationship!its more meaningful for it to be defined as a relationship!

clark i know you read my posts on this forum "I love you i always will"thanks for being part of my life over these past 6 years your my life!

Oh Miguel...I'm sorry you're feeling so down...are there any Crohn's support groups in your area where you might be able to meet someone in a similar situation? I hate hearing anyone talk about giving up. Surely there is somewhere you can go to help get you out of this rut..

I met my husband in high school, I was 16 and somewhat of a party girl. I was diagnosed with Crohn's in my mid 20's after my husband and I had moved in together. I was unwell, tired, sick, and he had difficulty understanding what had changed. So did I. He found another "party girl" and we split up for several months - our house was even up for sale. I know he missed me terribly and loved me immensely - he used to leave love notes on my car asking me to be the girl he "fell in love with". It was devastating to me. I now realize that I was so embarrassed by my illness that I was pushing him away and denying him intimacy. Eventually, we gave it another shot and planned some time to get away together. It was Fall and we went to Conn. In December, I became very ill - he proposed to me on Christmas and said he would stick by me and we would find out what was wrong. I was diagnosed shortly after Christmas that year from a barium enema study - so sick they couldn't even scope me but the narrowing on the film told it all. He was still there through the steroid dementia and the ungodly weight gain and facial hair growth. My ultimate hospitalization and surgery a couple of months later was tough for him, but he stuck it out and has been by me ever since.

We have been married now for 15 years (just had our anniversary on February 11th). It has not always been easy but we have managed to make it work. Communication is key - it is so important to talk about how you feel, both physically and emotionally, in ways other than "I don't feel well" which anyone would tire of hearing very quickly. Intimacy is still hard for me. During bouts of D, when I am very sore, I just can't. We have managed to joke alot about my being gassy and have turned that into a high sexual compliment towards his lovemaking skills, lol.

I know he loves me no matter what, and maybe he wishes he had a wife who was a little lower maintenance, but hey, I could be a lot worse. I never restrict him from doing anything because I do not feel well. I try really hard to not let this be his illness and we have both accepted it as part of who I am.