Another rant about relatives who don't get it

LMills I do hate to hear you are having a trying time for sure. But, take a look at AmyMinty's reply it a pretty good one.

 

You are spending alot of time in anger over you father and that apears to be a situation that is not going to change. You cannot change him honey, sick or well, the man will remain the same no matter what. There is an old saying "you can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink".  That saying applies to your Dad. You cannot bend your Dad to your liking.

 

The anger is only going to kick your symptoms up somewhat, is it worth that? No its  not you have enough to deal with. I know you are young and you are very, very hurt. But this hurt did not just happen over this visit, this hurt has been with you a very long while. At some point you are going to have to learn to let it go. If you don't this will eat you alive this is being seen in your post honey. It can develope into problems later on that you don't need. This attitude towards you has been there a very long time.

 

You said your family was close growing up. Hhmm how close if you were always treated in this manner. Difference in perceptions perhaps. Sometimes the family thing happens or it doesn't. Its wonderful if a family truly relies on each other but that it not the case all the time.

 

I am old enough to be your Mom and I have been round HW a few years. One of our biggest discussions we have had here many times is families and friends not understanding our disease. It is all so common for them to turn a deaf ear. My husband had no clue like one of the other posted here. He still doesn't get it. Some people are just that way. Some can nurture while others can't. Some do not want to admit that someone has a disease, they don't know how to cope with a loved having a disease, this list could go on forever, but honey this is an every day thing. This includes spouses, parents, sisters, brothesr and most of all friends. But this is with any chronic disease. For many is lack of education. Some people can read it and still have no clue.

 

Yes, it would be wonderful if things were different with your Dad but I just don't see this is happening. Instead, focus on the love and support you get from your fiance. He is the main man in your life. Let him be the one willing to help you and be there for you. You can only do this a day at a time. Call the medical providers that you owe, explain your situation to them. Many have charities willing to help out with expenses. Some just simply adjust the bill off.

 

Get yourself in a better place emotionally, get rid of this anger that is tearing you apart. Peace be with you. Susie

I think there is a misunderstanding somewhere considering I never said I was a victim nor that I would change ANYTHING that has ever happened except that perhaps my dad could be a little bit more supportive. If, somehow, refusing an offer for a broken down house after it was being used for rent anyway casts me in a negative and spoiled light then I apologize but this is absolutely not the case and assuming I have the resources to fix what is broken is a little over the top considering most of us barely have the material and physical resources to even FUNCTION from day to day.
And, as I've said several times, I realize this is something we learn to cope with and accept. I don't even feel angry. It's called sadness...and I don't think there is anything unreasonable at feeling that.
No difference in perceptions either. Just the difference between the effects on each parent respective to mother and father's side.

Were it that people didn't think I was saying 'woe is me.' I was only expressing sadness at my father's lack of understanding or complete disregard for the need to be able to fulfill the most basic functions on a sanitary level and hoping others would post who could relate or give *constructive* criticism and advice after reading.

Thank you all who understood what I was saying. I'm sorry there are so many who go through this and hope that someday people who are not ill will be able to at least acknowledge that there is a problem and work with us rather than against.

(((LMills)))

Thank you Navy...you pretty much hit the nail on the head.

LMills and Yellowfin,
You are on the flips sides the same coin, it is about the acknowledgement.

Yellowfin, doing good by your kids is admirable thing. Every good parent struggles with finding the right balence between providing enough and giving one's children enough toughness to survive. (giving them the tools to be a good citizens and not spoiled brats)  It is especially tough being a man with this disease because of the social expectations of being not being vernerable, when you really are because of being sick.

LMills, having someone that is suppose to love and care about you validate your suffering is important, especially when you are feel vernerable. I think this is most especially true for the more vernerable populations. (it is about protection) Just realize he might not be emotionally capable of doing that, and it might be manifesting as him offering material things when you really want the emotional things.

 

Yellowfin, we do validate your experience, indeed sometimes we just have to suck it up.  More often then not the more older we get it seems.

Usually, 45+ year old man is going to have a better ability to protect themselves, then a 20 year old petite woman.

Thank you for trying to help one another understand each other perspective.

Well said Fitzy.

While yellowfin's "victim" comment was uncalled for, the statement that some people cannot comprehend things that they can relate to was very important. It is as if we are speaking a foreign language to them. What I am trying to do, in order to help myself get mentally healthy so that I can fight this disease is to try and expect less from those that don't "get it".  It sucks when it is your family- it sucks at 20 and it sucks at 50. I don't think that feeling hurt and alone is anything but normal. I am realizing, however, that the only person that I can change is myself. I am also trying to be better about letting those who are able to "get it" help me out when I need it. You are a caring and giving person with some hellish hurdles that you have had to (and continue to have to) overcome. Sometimes we just need someone else to say that "things really suck right now, you don't deserve it", etc- so that our pain is validated- then we can move on. it doesn't make you a victim unless you cannot get past it, and that sure is not you!. Bigs to you- you are a caring and bright woman with an incredible amount of strength. You DON'T deserve this, and you WILL have better times.

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope things go better this visit, but please if they don't, understand that, it is your father who is the one who is lacking, not you! For what ever reason, he can't love his children equally, and it is his inadequacy, not yours. Please come, and vent away whenever you feel the need.

((((HUGS))))

I think you've gotten some good and some tough advice here. The only thing I would add is to agree that this should be about the emotional support and not the financial. I think you and fiance are going to have to figure out how to live in your means and not expect anything from your father. I bet he might be one of those people that would give you something but it has strings, or has to be what he has in mind and not your idea at all. People like that are best managed by NOT asking them for anything and just let them see you struggling along on your own as best you can. As far as emotional support I feel like you are not going to get what you need there either unfortunately. Some people are just no help like that and there's nothing you can really do about it. He seems bordering on abusive (the pinching, etc you wrote about) and plays favorites.

Take care of yourself and be strong. It may take some time and possibly some therapy to get over the effects of growing up in that environment.