holiday confession - I got it wrong

hi everyone. I've just been on holiday to a Greek island for a week. Bliss? no - not really, and I need to admit somewhere that it probably wasn't the greatest decision I've made and this is the only place I can do it without getting the 'I told you so' treatment or that I can admit it at all.

I'm about to go to a family gathering where I know I will be told I look great (I tan beautifully) and will be expected to say I had a fantastic time. In reality I spent most of the week on my own and in various levels of pain and anxiety - I don't have a problem about my own company but my 'normal' holiday would involve meeting lots of different people, exploring, eating, drinking etc. I knew it would be different and really did lower my expectations but instead I felt so anxious about what to eat, had very uncomfortable 4 hour plane rides, thought I'd got an obstruction at one point, my scar was hurting a lot, I couldn't even lie on my front to sunbathe or read, was worried about swimming in the sea, and I didn't want to get into difficult conversations about CD when I know no-one wants to hear it on holiday. It felt a very lonely place to be. at times. I think I'm supposed to be in remission and my hospital doctor  said 'get your life back to normal - don't be paranoid' so I thought this would be the indicator of 'normal'. 4 months after major surgery (full incision and resection) probably is too soon for this sort of trip but who could tell me different? I'm so sick of everyone saying 'lead a normal life' or 'do what feels right for you' - i would have probably felt better not going away for the week than I do now. I know all my friends, family and work colleagues just want me to say I'm fine BUT I'M NOT!!!

Gonna go now and put on my happy face so that I don't ruin my niece's birthday bash. I wonder what food there'll be..............?

Honey, BRAVO for you, for having the guts(!) to at least try. We all want to be "normal."
I might say something to the extent of "it was the vacation one expect 4 months post op."
For me it at least takes a year for me to recover to the non-guarding stage from major surgery, but bravo for you for at least TRYING!

"Experience" is what people call their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

But like everyone else, I salute you for at least trying. You'll know better next time how far you can safely push yourself.

best regards,
Robert

I"m sorry. But I don't understand. You've had a resection. You're in remission. You've got a new lease on life!! Who knows how long your remission will last. Mine lasted 20 years!!! Life's too short. Enjoy it while you can! Make hay whilst the sun shines! Enjoy life to the fullest.

yes - either too early post op or too high expectations. I'm also glad I tried and I know you appreciate the effort it takes to do that; thanks for your reassurances on this that I wasn't stupid to do it. I'm in such a state emotionally at the moment that I don't know what to do or feel. Everyone wants to hear that I am well and 'back to normal' but I just don't feel it. My 7 year old nephew asked me last night if I was better now and can we go back to the adventure playground that we had a fun time at (the day before I was taken by ambulance to hospital and was probably very seriously ill whilst I was out with him). It nearly broke my heart to not have an answer for him - I'm the 'outdoor auntie' and it's hard to not know whether I can do the same things as before: has the elastic stretched too far?I don't want to take pills for anxiety or for the pain if I can avoid it but I'll have to find a way through this - it's just not like me to be so emotional and I know it would freak a lot of people out (family and work colleagues) if they knew how bad I'd got at times

thanks for reading and understanding: it feels good to at least write it down 

Penny x

Hi Penny, I'm in Yorkshire too!

I empathise with you're situation. In 1997 I had my ileostomy and total proctocolectomy. 3 months after I went on a 2 week holiday to Fuertaventura. I was really really looking forward to it, I never felt nervous about anything, I felt well, no problems. Then 3 days before we were leaving I was hit with an sense of extreme dread. I'd never experienced anything like it. I cried like a baby at the airport.

Physically I was fine. I swam, played tennis and ate anything but I was still counting the days until I came home. I think emotionally it was way too soon for me. I'd just lost my nanna too.

I have a lot of problems with anxiety since on and off, and It's all down to 25 years of Crohn's. Don't be too hard on yourself. You went, you didn't have the best of times but you've been through a lot, give yourself some time to heal, physically and mentally. And if you need to talk here is the place. No subject is taboo. It REALLY helps to talk to someone who understands.

Gill x

I think you did really well to get out there and give it a go. Dont be too hard on yourself. Having crohns is I think a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I know where you are coming from. I spend most of time in the airport on the loo, insist on an aisle seat on the plane so I can get out to the loo. And then I dread breaking wind in case it smells. Then on holiday I am constantly looking for the loo and then worry baout the state of it when I get there.

I was proud of myself this year when I went on my first holiday excursion since been diagnosed. This might not seem like a big deal to anyone else but those with crohns will understand. I usually wont go out of the hotel complex.

And Greece - well I wont go there - cant cope with the don not flush the loo paper restrictions. That would be too awful for me.

Uk lass - did you go with friends or a partner? I imagine it is harder with friends. I am lucky in that my partner understands because he has UC.

Penny

I have previously been on solos holidays (admittadly before I had crohns)> But the set up with those is that you can join in with the others as little or as much as you like. And because your not actually with them you dont have to feel as if you are ruining their holiday. If you want to go to bed at 9pm etc then you are free to do so and have no one to answer to. But also if you fell ok you have people to socialise with. If I was ever single again (hopefully not) then I would definaltely consider it