girlfriend with crohns - how to react?

Hey,

Im justin, im 17 years old, the same age as my girlfriend. I recently found out she has had crohns for some time, and been quite sick with it when she was younger, lots of surgery, etc.

I have no problem with it and i love her so, so, so much, but she wasn't the one to tell me. I found out accidentally from a close friend of hers who had assumed I already knew.

I understand that she will may tell me sooner or later, i am sure not going to force her to tell me, but I am wondering what kind of a reaction from me would be best to her, obviously a supportive one, but is there anything specific she, as a person suffering crohns, would find the most comfort in hearing from me?

Also if anybody would feels ok to shed some light on the emotions she might experience, please do so.

Thanks very much

justin

I think that the best thing that you can do when she tells you is to try to understand the disease the best you can - ask her lots of questions, read up on it, and if she has any embarrassing symptoms, don't get grossed out and just try to laugh it off and make her feel comfortable not having to try to pretend to "be normal" in front of you if she isn't feeling well. I know when I first started dating my last boyfriend, I actually got sick for the first time on our first trip together, so we were stuck in a hotel room together and I had to keep sending him out of the room to go to the hotel gym, go get food, etc, while I was in the bathroom because I didn't want him to know. He never realized I had done any of it, even after I was diagnosed a year later, but it was really stressful for me trying to find excuses for him to leave every time I did not feel well (which was a lot!).

Hi Justin, welcome!

First of all. I admire you for taking the time in research and asking so many good questions, and your gf is very lucky to have someone so caring!

Like Nanners said, Dont take it personally she didn't tell you. It's very hard to deal with this disease as it is let along have to tell other people. I still have a very hard time dealing with at 25 having it for 7 years now.

The bf I had when i was in the hospital getting diagnosed at 18,  didn't come visit me once in the hospital (left him right away) but met my now fiance when I was 19. Who the same went on his own did his research and knew more about it then I did. He is always at the hospital with me when I need to go.He remember's doctors names,meds I am on. Foods I can and can not eat. He doesn't bother me or ask me questions when I am in the bathroom to long except for ' are you ok, do you need anything' . This is the most helpfuly anyone who can be. He also puts up with my talk of diahhra (get use to that word) My fiance is also very use to seeing me throw up. He'll even empty my bucket and clean it, bring it back to bed for me.

So when she does tell you. I think these are ways you can support her.

Hi everybody,

Thanks for the information, this is a great community by the looks of things!

[quote]It's nice to meet you.

Likewise and thankyou :)

[quote]Your girlfriend might not have told you about your illness yet, but I'm guessing there may have been some signs that have made you suspect that things were not quite right with her? For instance, does she sometimes cancel a date at the last minute, or seem to be very tired and "uninvolved" with you emotionally? Does she sometimes avoid getting too close to you physically, or disappear to the bathroom at crucial moments during a date / conversation?

Yeah there were some signs. She did indeed avoid getting too close to me physically, infact, she has always been strange with the whole touchy feely thing, but I wrote that off as a personality trait. Not quite to the point of pushing me away, but initiating any sort of intimacy, she seems to lack confidence.. Not to mention some hospital gifts and things I discovered lying around her room she had tried to hide, but I respected her privacy and didn't ask why she had them. She has seemed kind of distant and uncomfortable on some dates too, where others she's bubbly as anything. Also she regularly is away from school, i feel like a bit of an idiot now, I sometimes sarcastically tease her about being a bludger!

She has always had a hard time opening up to people about her feelings and other things (unless I give her a bit of a push), I've known her for quite a while, is this possibly a result of the emotional stress she must have?

I can't say i've noticed her going to the bathroom and unnatural amount of times though. Are there good and bad periods of the disease/effects?

Thanks again everybody! I appreciate it very much

It's also important to remember that it can actually *hurt* when you touch a person who is already in pain, so this might help explain why she sometimes seems more withdrawn than at others.

Another thing to consider is that she might have scars from surgery, or other physical damage from Crohn's, that she doesn't want you to see yet.

This is a conversation some of us had quite recently about the difficulties we with Crohn's can face maintaining friendships and relationships. As you'll see, even the people who are "well" and "in remission" still struggle with pain and fatigue, and this makes it difficult to relate to people as well as we'd like.

All the best,

Ivy.

And this is another recent thread on the types of support we *like* to get.

Ivy.

I think your girlfriend is very lucky to have such a mature and caring boyfriend, heck, many adults don't feel compassion or even articulate themselves as well as you do so good for you (and lucky her)!!!

Dropping hints to her is one approach, it may make her feel that you might already know and then she may end up feeling comfortable enough to discuss it with you, it's really hard to speak for how another person will react because we may all have the same disease but we likely all deal with it as individualistic as our diseases can actually be from one another.

Good luck, I hope all works out well.

:)

Thanks everybody for the advice and kind words. as many of you have said i know i'll never understand exactly what it's like to be in her, or any of your shoes, so I won't pretend I can, but I will try as best I can so I can support her in the best possible way if she has a flare up and decides to tell me.

thanks again, you may hear from me in the future with questions !

justin

I agree with everyone else... but I was also going to add:

My fiance started dating me before I was diagnosed with Crohn's, so we both learned together what the disease was all about. However, BEFORE the diagnosis, we were very hush hush about formerly "gross" things like bathroom situations. NOW? We make it all funny!! He comes up to me and sings high pitched "pooooop!!" haha I feel a lot less self-conscience b/c he is willing to laugh with me about the situation & be caring rather than saying, "eww, or I can't handle this"

I guess my point is its easier when someone can be open to it!! My fiance also changed his diet with me and it has been fun doing it together. And its nice to have the support of someone you love.

Hi ivy,

Things are just fine, she hasn't told me though. I'm not really sure what more advice you guys could possibly give, I've done a lot of googling as well for most of the information on the actual disease. So if anyone has anything else you can think of that might benefit her (or me) in some way, please make a reply. You guys have helped so much, I'm no longer dreading the point when she tells me! So for that I thank you all sincerely and I wish you all the best in the future!

I will still be following this forum though for any updates; also is there a place to donate for research on crohn's?

Thank you again,
Justin

Look up the CCFA - they do a lot of fundraising for Crohn's. Hope this helps!