no love for the Crohnies

So in my substance abuse class on Thursday my professor wanted to do an exercise to see what kinds of things are "deal breakers" for people when choosing a partner. She gave a list of scenarios like "I used to have a problem with alcohol but I go to meetings now" "I have herpes but its under control with medications"

Well her very first scenario was "I have this incurable disease" and of course in my head I'm going...Crohn's...and then she says "I have Crohn's Disease which is a pretty serious intestinal disease, it can contribute to death, I may have to be hospitalized, I may need to have surgeries...how many people would that be a deal breaker for?" Five out of about 20 people raised their hands saying that they would break up with someone if they told them they had Crohn's. The only one that got a higher response was the STD. Of course my professor doesn't know that the girl in the front row has it...but it was kind of rough especially since I've been thinking about dating again.

I guess I can't completely blame them...it is pretty draining to have and to deal with... for your significant other as well. It's just disappointing and makes me more self conscious

Hope you made a mental note of who did not raise their hands that day..

When he said "it can contribute to death" I would have spoke up and said that it's very very rare for it to. Who's to say that if it had been a group of 100 people that only 5 of them still might only have put up their hands.

I hope you don't let that "miniscule servey" stop you from thinking about dating again...there are all kinds that walk this earth, there are many worse things than IBD, there are billions of people in the world with health issues of some sort.

:)

pb4 said...
When he said "it can contribute to death"

I don't know...my grandfather recently lost two of his friends to it, and I've been extremely close to death myself twice in the past year and a half (if not for my fiance being there I would be).

But like the other members said, it has to do with severity and access to medical care too :/


You know, I feel like it's unfair to bring Crohn's up that way though. Those people who raised their hands heard only a small percentage of what Crohn's is without knowing that some Crohnies live normal, healthy lives.

I just feel like there should be more education there. Everyone knows what an STD, drinking problem, or drug addiction is. But getting into what a confusing disease like this by a two sentence summary just doesn't cut it.

... I think that the very fact that you have felt this way and reacted in this way indicates that your professor has behaved - even if unintentionally - in a discriminatory manner. The discussion made you feel like a lesser person, less attractive, more vulnerable... and it seems to me that these would be the requirements of any sort of discrimination complaint.

Just imagine if the comment had been:

"I belong to the OongaBoonga race. My skin colour is purple" and then she provided two examples of this race's more extreme and unusual cultural practises.

Would *that* be seen as discriminatory? I think so.

I think she simply had to say, "I have an incurable disease. It gives me a range of embarrassing and awkward symptoms. I'm in the hospital a lot, take a lot of medicine, and may need to have multiple surgeries. Is this is a deal breaker?"

She didn't have to NAME the disease. That adds to the stigma that IBD already has.

Ivy, stepping down from her soapbox.

I think if the professor had fully described a worst case scenario of the other diseases, nobody would have voted for that either. If you take any disease and you fully describe the absolute worst case scenario of this disease, everybody would run for the hills. A worse case scenario of alcoholism to me would be way worse than anything....that is the most destructive disease out there.

Well in all fairness 99% of my anxiety was from the discussion we were having prior to the activity. I also have pretty bad anxiety in general and its not her fault that I'm embarrassed and insecure about my Crohn's...its mine. It was just unexpected and a little upsetting because I was already upset. The only reason she gave more detail about Crohn's is probably because most people don't really know what it is. She actually waited a second after saying Crohn's and elaborated probably after seeing all of the blank faces in the class. Half the time when I tell people I have Crohn's they say "Chromes?" ...yes...my intestines are chromed out lol.

Additionally, I think that people choose what they are offended by. I'm not mad about what she said, I wasn't offended by her. I know that she didn't mean it to be hurtful or discriminatory. You have to choose the hill you die on and this is certainly not an issue I feel like I need to get worked up about. I used to get angry about things all the time, especially when I felt like other people had hurt me in some way but I've realized that its really just not worth the energy and stress that goes along with it.

Now had she been blatantly discriminatory or mean about it, I know that I would have spoken out, corrected her, and educated the class. That just wasn't the case though...it was just a simple exercise. I'm sure if anyone in the class has herpes they were embarrassed too because 17 people out of 20 said that that would be a deal breaker for them. There are a ton of people in our class who are adult children of alcoholics and a handful of people in recovery themselves and one of the questions was about substance abuse. It is a social work class...generally we are all pretty self aware, unoffended, and nonjudgmental. We try to be sensitive to others but we can't just not talk about things because they might hurt someone's feelings...we'd never learn and we would end up being ineffective social workers.

I actually have done this in class. Since I am so sick I cannot hide it, so I just choose to bring it out in the open and really make people examine what chronic illness, injury, and other issues that are included that "in sickness and in health" conversation. Because what happen if people change if the future such as say they got in an accident? Gained a 100 lbs (it was funny in my class weight gain is much more of a deal breaker) etc.

Don't feel embarrassed by what you can not change and is not your fault. Those who raised their hands (deal breakers) have a reason to be embarrassed not you.

Nothing wrong with the professor's question. Sounds like a fascinating class and I would love to take one like that.

To whoever said crohns is worse for women, I actually think it is worse for men. So many crohnies lose lots of weight, have to eat restricted diets, can't have alcohol, etc. I think it is easier for a female to be underweight than it is for a man. Also females tend to drink less and are always on diets for one reason or another. I find as a female I don't have to explain as much of my crohnie behavior. Oh and females tend to pee more than men too so no one really questions the bathroom trips as much. Also, we have purses to lug around our meds and butt wipes and spare underwear in. Men rarely have "murses."

I don't think 5 in 20 is very accurate. I think that the way your teacher described it doesn't speak for most Crohnies. Most people live relatively normal lives when they're in remission, and she kind of made it sound like it was a terminal illness or something. I've also never had any bad reactions from any guys I've dated (I was in a relationship when I got diagnosed, we broke up in May and I started dating again, and out of the 5-10 guys I told, none of them had a problem with it whatsoever). My boyfriend now is also very supportive, although he doesn't really understand the disease fully, but he's getting there. I think that this disease (and any) are what you make of it - if you're going to sit around moping and letting yourself be miserable over it, you'll probably have a harder time finding someone, but that's really based on attitude more than anything. I think if you take the disease in stride and not let the disease become your identity, very few people will judge you or reject you based on it. Honestly, my dating experience since I've been diagnosed has been no different at all than since before I became ill, and I've never even been in remission yet. I haven't had a single guy reject me based on my disease, so don't let it get you down! Every guy I've met has been really supportive and has actually seemed to admire the way I deal with my disease, and comments that it seems to have made me a stronger person.

Also, I agree with Fitzy - lol, it's pretty easy for a girl to cover up Crohn's if you're creative. When I first got sick, I was going to the bathroom 20+ times a day, and I was so subtle about it that my boyfriend at the time never even noticed what was going on LOL. We were actually on a trip away the first time I got sick, so we were stuck in a tiny hotel room, and I still managed to cover it up without him noticing anything weird :) My weight loss was really the worst part because I dropped down around 80 lbs (I looked like a walking skeleton), but when I've had mini-flares since then, they've basically kept me at my ideal weight, so I actually look better now than I did before I got sick, haha.

Of course, when you start throwing scars and stuff into the mix (I don't have any), anyone would be self-conscious about it, but I would honestly see it as a screening tool (or try to, at least). Why would you even want to date a guy/girl who is so superficial that they judge you based on something like that? I know I wouldn't, even if I wasn't sick. I actually brought up a concern I had over possibly having to have surgery once with a guy a few months ago, and his reaction was "what are you ever going to do when you have kids if you can't deal with a scar?" Kind of made me look at things differently!

Charming.

Yeah you are right Huckster. I can ride my bike to work all the time and I have abs now lol. Hadn't had or done either one since I was a kid. Still have issues but always helps to know it could be worse.



"vagina stomach"--- Yeah it is easier to cover up as guys. Can always say they were gang related.