Posted 11/16/2009 4:27 AM (GMT 0)
Oh I am completely with you. There are days when I just can't see the sun, all I see are the dark clouds, and lately those days have been many. But my wonderful husband, despite all the physical problems, drags me out from the dumps every day. I have been reading some self help books lately (by Jon Kabat-Zinn), and they do seem to help a little.
One of the hardest things to let go of is the "why me?" question. Why not that ****who does all those evil things, and totally deserves it? Why good little me, who helps the little old lady across the street, nurses strays, and wishes the best for everyone? And you already have the answer to that - life isn't fair. I remember a quote from Babylon 5, "You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." So, remember, it's not personal. You are just part of this universe, and things like this happen all the time. It isn't happening _to_ you, it is simply happening. It's just part of the universe, and part of the human condition. Easy to think this rationally, harder to actually believe it and take comfort from it (I'm still working on it too).
It really is a matter of perspective - the half full versus half empty thing. I have been repeating it to myself over and over again - yes, we just cancelled yet another vacation (for our wedding anniversary) because of my husband's health, but at the same time, we're at least able to sit down and watch TV together and enjoy the day together. It could be a lot worse - he could be in the hospital like last year. Things are so much better than they were then. So, I repeat that to myself.
Find ways to take pleasure in the things you can do, instead of dwelling on the things you can't. Self pity is a useless emotion - doesn't help you, only drags you down. So, instead of focussing on the things you cannot do, work within the limits to focus on the things you can, and find pleasure in it. Trust me, I know this is easier said than done. But repeating it to myself does help - I'm hoping that soon I won't have to consciously repeat it to myself, it'll simply be the way I am.
Find ways to live in the now. As someone said, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and today is a gift." Don't waste your today dwelling on the complications of tomorrow. Plan for tomorrow, but don't dwell on it. You'll really dislike it when you look back at your life 20 years from now, if you did not enjoy your life and lived it in fear of the unknown. This one is the one that I have the hardest time with. I have always been a planner, and I guess a control freak, and this disease makes me feel completely wretched in that regard. But I am slowly learning to cope. Learning to let go of all the "what ifs", and learning to embrace the happiness in the now.
Remember, if you were completely healthy, the reason you are able to be happy is not just because you can do all those things . . . it's because you don't sit there and think about the things you can't do, or contemplate the possibility that in a year you'll be hit by a bus, etc. But now, because you have a diagnosis of crohn's, it brings these thoughts to the forefront. It doesn't matter if you are completely healthy, or if you have an incurable disease like crohn's - you don't have control over life. When you are completely healthy, it's just easy to delude yourself into thinking that you do. There is only one thing that we truly have control over in life - that is our reaction to any situation. We can control our reactions, to both the good and bad things in life. So, choose your reaction to the crohn's diagnosis and everything that life throws at you very deliberately, remembering that the only true control we have in life is how we respond.
I know I don't have crohn's. But my husband does. And it greatly impacts our lives - because it's just him and me. It greatly shook my belief in our future, and in our relationship, and in my ability to cope with all the trials that this disease can put one through. But I am slowly learning. I wake up every morning filled with anxiety (especially now when my husband is going through a rough patch), and every morning I learn to breathe through it, and learn to feel a sense of calm; a center where I realize that my anxiety doesn't help anything, it just ruins my day. I try to have a decent day, and I try to laugh and smile, and I try to do the things with my husband that his health will permit. I am trying very deliberately to choose my response to the changes every day in my life - I am choosing to be positive, and I am choosing to help my husband life the best life he can, both for himself and for me.
Just like when you pick apples at the grocery store, you make sure to pick good apples, and leave out the bad ones, choose your thoughts, to pick the best ones. Put the bad thoughts into the garbage bin. I have been trying to focus on doing that mentally. Pick the positive thought, and put the negative one in the garbage bin.
I've also been trying to practice some mindfulness meditation - some days I do great, and others not so much. But I do think it helps. In the morning when I wake up, and my head is so unsettled, it helps calm me down, and put me in the right frame of mind to choose a positive response every day. I didn't do the mindfulness meditation last Friday, and boy was I all over the map emotionally. I am trying to take this also as a learning opportunity - we all 100% of us have to deal with situations like this at some point in our lives. We just have a head start.
Oh, another thing I've learned - be kind to yourself. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up because you had a bad thought. We all have them.
We're all here for you. Feel free to vent, and I hope we can give you support. A therapist maybe a great idea - it always helps giving voice to your thoughts, and getting it off your chest. My friends have been great for this, but I did not have them, I would see a therapist. In fact, recently I've been worrying about "fatigue" with my friends - thinking that perhaps I am overburdening them by constatly talking about the trials in my life. So, I am actually on the lookout for a therapist, so I won't burn out my friends.
(((Hugs)))
PV