Hello I am new

A few years back, I got constipated after a particularly brutal  episode of diarrhea, and had a funny pain after straining to pass a stool. By the next day I was in unbelieveable, excruciating pain, and I had developed a huge lump in my right buttocks, right next to my anus. Yep, my first abscess... I went to the GP and was diagnosed and put on Augmentin, and I was referred to a surgeon. But by the time of my appointment a week or so later, the abscess had receded to the point that he said no surgery would be necessary - whew! He suggested a colonoscopy after I told him about my cranky bowels, which I had done since there is a history of colon cancer in my family. The results of the colonoscopy were, to use his words, "clean as a whistle" and I was released to once again terrorize toilets and septic tanks everywhere. Which, of course, I promptly resumed doing!

A couple of years passed with no recurrence of the abscess, and I continued my ways of eating pepperoni pizza and drinking beer and generally living life in the fastest lane I could find. Not smart, I know, but in my defense... I guess I thought I was immortal... and the bouts of diarrhea raged on....

So, as I said, a couple of years passed with no problems. Then, a little over a year ago, I noticed a funny lump on the other side, in my left buttocks, while showering. It wasn't painful, but being the paranoid obsessive compulsive that I am, I pushed on it and poked at it and sure enough I was rewarded with the prize of a leaking sensation somewhere up inside me and bloody pus that came oozing out of my...

"Hello, yes I would like to see the surgeon please..."

And again, by the time I got into see him about ten days later, this new mystery lump had just about vanished. Well, *I* could still feel it, but he gave the area couple of pokes and said "no problem found." Even though I still thought something wasn't right, I'm not one to argue with a surgeon that doesn't want to operate on me, so I shot out of there at a high rate of speed (always full speed ahead here) and headed onto my next adventure, a trip to Florida with my wife to see the space shuttle launch. Of course, the shakeup in my daily routine triggered a nasty bout of diarrhea in the hotel room in Florida, and the mystery lump returned. But this time, it kept growing... and growing... I flew home from Florida with a lump nearly the size of a tennis ball in my poor butt. Yeah, Orlando International airport with hundreds of happy Disney kids waiting to board and me sitting on a grapefruit in the middle of it all. Not a pretty picture. At least the shuttle launch was cool.

"Hello, yes I would like to see the surgeon please..."

This time, there was no get-out-of-jail free card to be had, no hall pass for yours truly. I was in dire pain. He took one look at the lump in my left buttocks and said "You have a huge perianal abscess, get on the table, right now" and so I did, I climbed onto the table - and I will mercifully spare you the exact details of what happened next. Think razors, blood, packing, bandages... and searing pain so far into the red zone I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack and die right there on his goddarned table. Sorry, I know that's not a happy story. If you are waiting for it to get happier, you might want to stop reading right about here, ha ha.

At my followup appointment after the abscess surgery, the doc gave me a couple pokes and said, "Great, all healed, no sign of a fistula." A what? Hmmm, wonder what that word means... Ok doc, thanks a lot, thanks for helping me, hope I never see you again. Pizza and a beer please...

Speaking of beer, I need a break from all this writing. I will finish my story a little later - shouldn't be too much more, its almost caught up to real time anyway. Its nice to meet everybody, and thanks for letting me vent a little.

     Fingerscrossed in CT