Posted 2/19/2011 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, thank you all for your responses and support. I haven't been on this forum in quite awhile, but it really made me smile to read everything you all wrote and to feel all the love and support. =)
*lilpixistar*: I really like that analogy you used about your body running a marathon. That makes a lot of sense and I think that's a great way to put it. It makes me realize that even if the Remicade itself doesn't cause these mood swings and/or feelings, I may not be myself because my body is working overtime as a result of the infusions. That really did help, especially to hear your say you understand and know where I'm coming from, so thank you so much!
tooth: I totally agree with you! That's exactly how I feel. I have a hunch that I have an anxiety disorder based on what a psychiatrist told me once (but that was only after one meeting -- I didn't go back to her because I felt that she was talking down to me, for example, rolling her eyes at things I said), but I have noticed twice now that the night of/day after my infusions I have gotten extremely snappy to my parents, and I feel terrible about it because my mom always sits through the infusion with me and has always been there for me, especially with the Crohn's. But when I get these mood swings I feel like I'm totally alone in this and that no one understands, and every single thing that has bothered me in some small way compounds and overwhelms me at once. Even though my head tells me to stop talking or to stop overreacting, my body keeps getting anxious -- my heart beats faster, I get very hot and/or start sweating, I snap quickly, tend to overreact, breathe heavily and get extremely upset/paranoid/depressed until I have a chance to calm down and let it blow over. Yet, I love my Remicade because it has rid me of all my horrible pain and has turned my life around. I wouldn't do without it! Thanks for sharing your experiences, and I really hope your flare ends soon! Hang in there!
artist guy: I definitely agree with the rollercoaster analogy. What often makes it worse is people trying to tell me I'm overreacting. I already know that, but when people keep pointing it out I feel more embarrassed and stupid. And if I upset my parents and then they walk away I get 100 times more anxious from messing everything up and I won't even be able to sit still or think.
Nanners: Thanks for your advice and the hug. *Hugs back* :) I don't want to use the meds as an excuse for what may just be something I need to learn to control, but I have definitely noticed a change in my anxiety and emotions in relation to my meds, especially the Remicade, to a higher degree. I guess it is just a combination of anything, which I need to keep reminding myself when I get into those fits.
takilra: Sometimes I just want to be left alone afterward too, but I don't want to push anyone away so I often won't really say that or tell people that I need time alone...but then I end up getting anxious for whatever reason, and afterward I feel guilty because I worry that it seems like I was wishing the person wasn't around, which isn't true as you know...it's just that we need that space for whatever reason. Bleh. But thank you! One of my best friends always tells me too (like you did), look, tomorrow is another day, so you get another chance to start over. Just start fresh from there. And that's really what I'm trying to do. I know I will never be perfect but I do want to be the best person I can, so I realize I have to put the past behind me since I can't change it, and just try to deal with these emotions better in the future. I think I need to find a way to let them out without getting myself down or upsetting others, and maybe a way to communicate how I'm feeling to others with getting more anxious, worried, embarrassed, etc. I do want to find a good psychologist -- I think having someone to talk to who is removed from my life could help. Thanks for everything you said! =) I am here for you all, too! *Hugs back*
cupcakespinkgal: What you said here is right on: "My parents came from out of town and always wanted to have lunch after the infusion before they left. I would always notice it if we took too long, like all the sudden I was anxious or really annoyed and if I wasn't home resting by myself soon I would snap! But I would rest and sleep the rest of the day and the next day was always fine and back to myself!!" THAT'S EXACTLY IT! My mom will sit with me through the infusion and then take me to lunch, and the slightest thing that happens or that is said can drive me up a wall and make me snap at her for no reason, which I know is horrible. If I don't get to just sleep or sit on the couch in the quiet and take time to myself to rest I get very cranky, anxious and upset. I try to control it when other people are around so I don't come off as some sort of monster, but sometimes then afterward I get so conflicted -- I know I want the support and company of others, but I also know I need that alone time. It's so hard to know how to explain that to others without offending them, especially when they are always there to help you.
1asalsa: Nope, I don't get Solumedrol with my Remicade. Just Benadryl because I broke out with a rash after the infusion one time. That doesn't help, I suppose, because it makes me more drowsy and I guess makes me have more of a reason to get upset if I don't get to rest right away afterward.
Again, thanks for all of your advice and support, everyone! I feel better after reading all of your responses, and I truly appreciate you taking your time to help me!