OT sorta: So incredibly sad

I am home sick today because the only daughter and grandchild I have that live close to me (20 mins) have told me they are moving 2000 miles away from me next month.  I understand her reasons as we live in California and we have high unemployment and she has had a hard time finding a job

The problem is where she is moving to.  She is moving to Iowa, where nearly 10 years ago I had to take money from my 401k to get her out of Iowa in an emergency manner becuz my grandson's sperm donor (can't call him his Dad as he doesn't deserve that title) was literally stalking her, had already caused her to lose custody of her oldest son, and was threatening the life of my unborn grandson at the time. 

She is moving only 30 miles from this guy, and I am so concerned for my grandson's welfare.  I have been throwing up and pooping, and crying all night.  You see this is the only grandchild I have had a hand in raising.  My grandson actually calls my husband, Papi (translated Daddy in spanish) and considers him his Dad.  My husband is hurting so bad too, but refusing to show me, but I can see the sadness in his face.  We have had this kid at our house almost every other weekend since he was months old and he is now 8 1/2.  I have bikes here, clothes here, everthing as this little boy has been a large part of our life, and as you can imagine he has a stronghold on our heart.

My daughter has made some bad choices in her life, and I just think this is another one.  My ex husband lives in Iowa but is like two hours away from her.  But he and my daughter do not talk.  In fact per my oldest daughter she is blackballed by him and his wife, and although he was near this daughter when she lost her oldest son, he did nothing to help her.  She has no other family near her, just "her" friends she had when she lived there before.  Here where she was born all my side of the family is here, and her great grandparents are only 1 hour away.  Her oldest sister and grandmother on her Dads side live 2 hours away, but her gma is not in the best of health, and her sister has her own children she has to care for and is struggling herself.  So if my daughter and grandson get into trouble, there is no one other than her "friends" to help her.  Where were these friends she needed last time she lived there?

Thank you for letting me vent to you all.  I swear I am trying to be strong, but I don't have the strength anymore.  I have 3 grown daughers, 1 lives in Alaska, and now 2 will be in Iowa and my grandbabies are all in Iowa, Arkansas and Arizona.  I feel like I losing my whole family.  I feel like I will never have all my kids together again, or my grandbabies.  I love being a grandma and having this one near us gave me the chance to do that.

I probably sound really selfish to you all, but I just love them so much.  And my heart is hurting, I just didn't know who else to talk to. 

Life has been soooo stressful at work, and now this, I am having such a hardtime right now.  I know I am not doing any good for my Crohns.  I have tried taking my anxiety meds and everything else I could think of to help the nausea and diarrhea and nothing is helping.  I can't talk to my hubby about it, as he is in so much pain himself, and has just shut down.  I know he loves that boy as if he were his own.  And we can't just travel all over the country seeing them all, as we have to try to save as much money as possible for our retirement or disability whichever comes first as my health isn't going to allow me to work much longer.  And my girls are all struggling and have their own lives  and debts.  So I know its going to be a REALLY long time before I see any of them again.  I just feel like I am losing all that I love the most (except my hubby of course).  So I guess I get to go thru the empty nest AGAIN... And it hurts so much.

As for my mental status, don't worry, I am going to call soon and try to get in with my therapist.  But like every other appointment you have to hurry up and wait for it, but I will get back in with her.

Again thank you for letting me cry to you all.  Any words of comfort you may have is greatly appreciated, I am just so low and sick right now.  And if you are a praying person will you please pray for me, I really need it.  Much love, Gail*Nanners*

 

My heart is hurting for you. My daughter just moved to another state for college and I cried for a week, only to drive 12 hours round trip sick to see her. We as children make decisions and don't think of how it affects others. I keep thinking back to when we moved across the US and left my mom and how she handled it. Would she consider sitting down with your therapist before leaving so you can discuss openly if this is the right move. Does she realize how much you will miss her and her child and the devastation it will leave you? Is the job worth the move? I think there are a lot of questions, but in the end we can't control our children and only can hope for the best. I call my daughter everyday and we have become even closer. You won't be any good to her if you end up even sicker over this whole mess. So try and be strong even for your grandson as you don't want him to see you all distressed. Doesn't mean you can't be hurting. I wish I could make it better for you. Take care.

Thank you Crohnsnme...I think her mind is pretty made up. These friends have made all these promises to her, and I don't think there is anything I or my husband can say to change her mind. We don't have the funds to help like we would like. I know I have to place her in God's hands and pray that He will keep them safe, but you know yourself as a Mom, we have a hard time letting things that deal with our kids go.

I know its dumb but I can't help but think I did. something wrong. Its just tearing me up inside, and I just can't seem to let it go. Thanks for your support. I love you all so much. Hugs!

So so true!!! He is such a special little boy and think he has experienced enough insecurity in his short life because of her past choices, and I am so frightened something else will be brought down on him. Its just not her in this anymore, but this innocent little boy too. Hugs!

Nanners I feel your pain and I know you and dh are hurting but no matter how /what we feel about our grown up childrens choices we have to stand by and let them make them whether ultimately it is a good or bad choice.
If it goes well that is fantastic if it doesn't we need to pick up the pieces and not say 'I told you so' That isn't going to stop you worrying or missing them though but as a parent with all our life experiences we have to step back.

There will still be ways that you can keeep in touch with your grandson, could you get a web cam? I know it is not the same as having him over to stay and experiencing the love and cuddles but it will allow you to 'see' him and him you.

As for empty nest syndrome I have it all to come in the next few months and already I am getting upset about it I keep trying to come up with coping strategies for myself but doubt whether I will crack it :(

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))- Everything is for a reason, as much as it hurts!! xx

We all so appreciate everything here you do for us!!

Bummer, Nanners. I'm so sorry to read this. It seems we can never stop worrying about our kids. I'm sending some (((hugs))) and prayers your way w/enough to share w/your daughter and grandson.

My heart is broken for you. What you're going through is incredibly painful. I don't know what to tell you, except that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all so much for your support. This daughter (31 y/o) has just made so many poor choices its just even harder watch her make another poor choice. Don't get me wrong, I will support her, how could I not, she is my daughter. But I am not going to rescue her again. I went into debt lasttime to get her out there when the sperm donor was giving her so many problems. But she is an adult now and will have to learn from her mistakes the hard way this time. I cannot continue to enable her while she makes her mistakes. I just fret for that sweet boy as he has been dragged from a relatives house or friends house too much. As I mentioned before, all I can do is place them in God's hands and pray that all works out. I know at least that He will take care of them, when I can't.

Thank you for being here for me and offering your kind words. Hugs!

I am so sorry Nanners! Unless you are a Grandma, you don't really understand what grandchildren mean to us! Praying for comfort for you and Papi!

So sorry about this, Nanners. I hope and pray your daughter will make the right decision, for her son especially. Hopefully, she'll realize the support and love she has from you and your hubby and rethink this move.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I hope your health picks up again too. Try not to stress.
((((((((Nanners))))))))

Oh Gail, I am so sorry you are going through this. The twin thing continues. I am in a similar situation, but not quite as severe, so I can empathize a bit. My daughter just moved. Her Fiance, who my husband and I are not so thrilled with, was transferred, so she followed as soon as she graduated. She has been there just over 2 weeks and already had 2 medical situations, one that could have been life threatening. She has NO support there, except the Fiance, and he was out to sea for the most serious one. She is lonely and bored, knows no one and isn't even looking for a better job now that she has her degree. She was able to transfer with Starbucks, so she has a job, but she always wanted more. Since this guy came into her life, she has done nothing but make decisions that don't jibe with what she always wanted, because they fit with what HE wants. We see a lot of trouble ahead for her. Like you, we will always support her. But she has to learn for herself. Like your daughter, ours has made some bad decision in the past, not to the same degree as you describe but it has taught us that she has to learn for herself and this time will be no different. She has no idea how we feel about him, because he makes her happy (right now) and if it continues I don't want a rift. But she knows that if she wants to come home, we will rent a Uhaul and come get her.

I can't imagine having a grandchild taken that far away and into the situation you describe. But you are right that she has to learn for herself. My parents always rescued my sister, and she never learned to stand on her on two feet. She is a complete screw up, lives in my parents house, has no money, is unemployed and just basically can't function. She is almost 50. I often wonder if they had let her make a few mistakes what would have happened. It is sooooo hard.

((((((HUGS)))))

Big hug (((((((((((((Nanners)))))))))))))))) . I have no words of wisdom , just a shoulder you can cry on and an offer of a careing ear for your thoughts . Just dont cross the bridge until you come to it , maybe you wont have too .