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sad... my girl called me a "druggie"

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Posted 11/9/2011 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
I'm really sad and thought I'd just post because... who else would understand how this feels. I am a single mom (only parent as her dad is not involved) with a 14 year old girl. We just got into an argument about her homework (pretty standard). But, she has been having stomach pains lately (worries me for obvious reasons)... the primary care doc treated for acid and said if that doesn't help to follow up with a GI. Well, my girl refuses to take her medicine. Keeps complaining about her stomach. When I told her she needs to follow the doctor's advice about taking her medicine, she said, "I'm not LIKE you. I am not a druggie and I don't need to take pills." Man, that cut deep. I've tried for years through my constant flare to be a good mom ... I've worked from home as a contractor (thankfully for the Crohn's) and still she is mean like that. Sorry, I guess I just had to get that out...
Posted 11/9/2011 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
Wow. That's harsh, and wrong. I'm so sorry she spoke to you in that way... and even thought such thoughts to start with.

No advice; no insights; just a huge hug.

Ivy.
Posted 11/9/2011 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
Teens can be tough. I think you need to not take this to heart for long. They know us well and so they know where to hit us to hurt. I would guess that she is sorry that she said that to you. You have been do the best you can and that is ALL that matters.
Posted 11/9/2011 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys. I just need to stop crying. (emotional person here... worse after all these years of flaring). I can't do any more than I do. And, to be so mean cuts me to the core. I'm just parent trying to help her find her way in this world. It really hurts. I guess it's time to find a therapist, huh? ;-)
Posted 11/9/2011 4:40 AM (GMT 0)
Of course it hurts. As FunGuy said, that was the point :-/.

I'm not a parent, but I don't think she should be allowed to speak to you like that. There's enough heartache in being a parent, without the kiddies hurting you deliberately :-(.

Ivy.
Posted 11/9/2011 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
Teens.. I am sooo not looking forward to that time ( my girl is 9) You know your not a druggie. I would of said I take these pills not by choice but to have a half ass life. (Sigh sorry she said that to you. hugs to you) She'll get it one day.( I mean the understanding why you need to take the drugs you do)
Posted 11/9/2011 5:13 AM (GMT 0)
dear sr5599...i do not know if you need a therapist, i raised 4 teenagers and she sounds like the rest of them...trust me when i say as she grows up she will see all you have done for her. teenagers are so self centered they do not care about others feeling just there own. she does not mean it. My 2 daughters were are lippy as they come and now one is 26 and one 30 and we are very close and they do appreciate all i did for them. give it a few yrs.I hope things get better soon....take care, Amy
Posted 11/9/2011 6:01 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much. She's still copping an attitude, but I've told her it's not acceptable and until she speaks with respect her rules are strict and if she is rude again, privileges taken away until after the weekend. You're all right and I know it - it is not ok for her to speak to me that way. It's so hard because her dad is not around. it's just she and I in the house and the whole parent child dynamic is so skewed. she feels some sort of right to be my peer when I constantly remind her that's not the way it works.

it's always been my way to go apologize. To make up. to tell her I love her and don't want to fight. but, I'm afraid that encourages her to do this again. And, I cannot take it again. The attitude is bad enough, but the issues with medication and calling me a druggie is crossed a line and life will have to change as a result. I know we will be friends later. I know I've centered my whole life around her and one day, when she's got her own responsibilities she'll wonder how I juggled everything, including unrelenting Crohn's. It's just going to be a rough few years.

As for my response to the druggie comment - aside from cry... ;-) I asked her if she thought I really wanted to inject myself every single night to help my bones get stronger (osteo from steroids)... Or give myself shots that are uncomfortable (Humira/Cimzia), or get IV treatments/iron/constant blood tests... I take vitamins, clonazepam (thank goodness right now!) and the other usual Crohnie meds. I hardly ever even drink anymore and I grew up with a winemaker for a dad.

right now I'm sleepy, so I'll just let her sleep it off. I SO much appreciate you guys for replying. I didn't know where else to turn for someone to really understand how hard it is to have your body fail you, to work so hard to fix it, then to be called something like that for taking the medications... Thank goodness for the internet allowing contact with others who get it...
Posted 11/9/2011 8:39 AM (GMT 0)
I think you handled it all well. My son is 13 and I'm just beginning to see this attitude change that I'm NOT happy about. Sometimes he says just the most inappropriate things, and he will lose privileges quite quickly too! He's never given me comments on my medications, but has tried to say that I "use" my Crohn's to get out of doing something I've asked him to do. He's usually quite sorry pretty quick though, as most of the time my having Crohn's has been scary and upsetting for him.

Kids will be kids I guess, but we do need to make sure and teach them that they can't talk to us that way. To have a little compassion for all that we go through, and yet still manage to do for them!
Posted 11/9/2011 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think she meant that, I'm now 19 so technically I'm still in my teens and I know that teens can sometimes blurt something out to try win the argument with their parents. Before I had Crohn's, before 16, I was more immature and would sometimes say things to my mom that I would later feel really bad about and wish I could take it back.  What she said was mean but I don't think she truly meant it. And if she did, she might not fully understand  what you're going through because you have been such a strong mom. And kudos for that. But, Maybe you can sit down and explain to her?
Posted 11/9/2011 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
One thing occurs to me is that she is probably quite frightened that she will end up with CD also. My younger girl has had pain for many years and is afraid.
Posted 11/9/2011 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
Oh goodness, I do not miss those years. I agree with FunGuy that she knew where to hit you to cause the most pain. My oldest daughter has a 14 yr old herself and she (my daughter) suffers with Fibromyalgia and has been suffering seizures for some unknown reason of late. And you can be sure my granddaughter will attack her Mom like that too. My daughter is always telling me "Wow Mom she can be so hateful at times and say things that really hurt my feelings".

Know that it isn't you it is her and her age and her hormones. Sending big hugs to you! Been there and done that. Hugs!
Posted 11/9/2011 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with all of the above. I had 2 teenage boys, and although they're men now, I haven't forgotten
the awful 'lippy' stage! I think they all go through it, even the good ones will have off days. The fact she
called you a 'druggie' a street word that doesn't apply to someone like you, is in my opinion, is an angry
response, from a kid that was lost for something else to call you. She's probably angry at you, but scared
for herself, because like you said she's having problems, and she probably thinks she's gonna end up
having to do all those things that you have to do. All scary thoughts, so she's fighting against it!

Hope you get over this little hiccup, she really didn't mean it! But you know kids, they can't back down!
Hugs.
Posted 11/9/2011 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes I think being a parent of a teen = pain! My son and I had a yelling match this morning--I wonder if it's not part of the separation process. He's 15 and I am already sad that he will be on his own in a few years. I agree that your daughter probably didn't mean what she said and was just having a teen moment. I hope you feel better soon and I admire you for having the strength to deal with this disease and raising a kid on your own. Good job, mom!
Posted 11/9/2011 7:03 PM (GMT 0)
My daughter is 18 and a freshman in college. She had a really difficult senior year of high school. First she had mono, then exacerbation of her asthma and needed sterioids, which then sent her GI system out of control. She was having terrible bloating, abdominal pain etc, and we were worried that she had Crohn's like me. Her colonoscopy was normal, and the docs attributed it to IBS. It seemed like she was sick for months with one thing after another, and she did say some pretty rejecting, mean things to me. We kind of look alike, and she was so afraid of having Crohn's after watching me suffer with it, that she was rejecting me as well, even though I was her biggest source of support. We've since talked it out, and she has grown up some and she has apologized for that dark time in her life. You know your daughter best, but you might want to consider talking it out before taking privleges away. Sometimes teens are snotty out of fear or insecurity and are really needing hugs and support instead of punishment. It is not ok for kids to be disrespectful and you need to be clear about that too. I hope this helps
Posted 11/9/2011 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Who was it? Sally Jesse Raphael who said teens aren't even really humans. I see a scared kid. Scared for herself and scared for you. At least it sounds like you aren't going to have to worry about her getting in w/a drug using crowd. There were times I wasn't sure that both my son and I would live until he turned 18!!!He turned out to be a son we are really proud of. He was THE most AGGRAVATING kid to live with! Due to divorce we had different last names. It was always a shock when someone would say to us: "Oh! You are so-and-so's mom! He is such a polite, well-mannered kid. We really like him." And I would think to myself: Are we talking about the same kid??

Hang in there, mom, it hurts, but this too shall pass. Eventually.
Posted 11/10/2011 7:23 AM (GMT 0)
I have three girls now 29 31, and 33. I also have four granddaughters. 13, 9, 7, 5. There is not much I have not heard from a smart ass teen ager and nothing that comes from their mouths suprises me. I couldnt belive it the day I was disscussing the plans for me to be in the hospital for five days. All anyone of them had to add to the conversation was how my needing an opperation was going to mess up rides to school for the little girls day care for the kindergardner. it is not shocking that your fourteen year old acted that way. IT is when they are in their thirties and still only think of themselves. my illness is causing them to have to depend on them selves. somehow that is my fault. girls they can be so nasty. The five year old seems to be my only help. She will say grandma I can vaccune I am a big girl. SO is it their age or just who they are.
Posted 11/11/2011 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
i know how you feel- it sucks. my WIFE seems to love using that one on me when we fight...horrible. about as low as you can go.
Posted 11/11/2011 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
sr55, clearly your daughter being 14 doesn't have the maturity to understand what she's "accusing" you off being (you're not a druggie, you're a crohnie taking her meds to try and survive a disease) she obviously assumes "anyone" that takes medication regularly is a druggie, her age alone proves she doesn't understand/comprehend what an actual druggie is...so although it's hard, don't invest too much bad feelings over what she said, afterall, she clearly doesn't understand the meaning of it....and she's likely scared she may go down the same path as you health wise which is normal for her to feel.

mtgman, your wife is old enough to know better....she should be ashamed of herself!
Posted 11/11/2011 2:17 PM (GMT 0)
Poopsy47 wow I have 3 daughters almost the same ages. Mine are 33, 32 and 29. And yes they were nasty as teens, but I have to agree mine have been pretty bad as adults too. And oh my have I been attacked just like you have by my adult daughters too. Just had to let you know that we seem to be living parallel lives:) Hugs!
Posted 11/11/2011 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
God blessed me with , no children . Times like this make me think he knew what he was doing . I'm with C2 though . Teens are so confused with hormones and life , I think she is frightened for herself and you . Sorry she said what she said . Hope she gets a handle on things with age .
Posted 11/11/2011 2:28 PM (GMT 0)

sos007 said...
dear sr5599...i do not know if you need a therapist, i raised 4 teenagers and she sounds like the rest of them...trust me when i say as she grows up she will see all you have done for her. teenagers are so self centered they do not care about others feeling just there own. she does not mean it. My 2 daughters were are lippy as they come and now one is 26 and one 30 and we are very close and they do appreciate all i did for them. give it a few yrs.I hope things get better soon....take care, Amy

I totally agree with sos007 here...i too have raised 4 teenagers and it does get better...She most likely did not mean what she said but guessed correctly on hitting where it hurts...it's what teens do...that does not mean she's a bad person..i'l bet if you tell her how much it hurt she'll be so sorry she said that...14 is a pretty crap age at the best of times..she's neither child or adult ..Try not to take it too hard.wishing both of you the best,Slainte
Posted 11/11/2011 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
Wow! You guys are awesome. Busy week at work and I haven't been online, come back to find all this support and wisdom. She and I did have a *long* talk about what a druggie is and how it is different from me using my medications. She honestly didn't understand what she said, it was most certainly a "blurt." In a way, it was good because it opened a door to communicate in a way that needed to be done.

She is a very scared girl. She's seen me lose half my blood an worries I will die and leave her. I do refer to medication as drugs, as they are. So I explained the big different between illicit drugs and prescription drugs... Explained that taking Rx is to try to be well. Taking illicit drugs is to get high. Big big difference. I think she finally got it. And, has said she's sorry countless times.

One good way to look at it is that after that big of a storm, there should be a little more subdued child for a while. (She knows she was wrong.) Then it's back to my mouthy teen girl. Sadly, she's so much like me at her age. Sometimes that makes it easier, knowing my mouthy comments to my grandmother (who raised me) were born out of unconditional love. That pushing limits, establishing self separate from the closest adult in your life.

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart for all this support!!!
Posted 11/12/2011 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
SR what a great way for this to be resolved. You have a good kid there who is no doubt a product of her mother's (Great-Grandmother's) love and dedication. Cheers to you
Posted 11/12/2011 10:12 AM (GMT 0)
I was always bad about taking my medications as a teen, and I am still not fond of the suppositories. I recently tried to convince a friend with crohn's that she needed to take her medication. Now, after the surgery I have gone through, I can't help but wonder if I made things worse by not taking my medications. Some people have to learn the hard way. I hope she doesn't have the disease andI hope she comes to her senses and take the advice she's given. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
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