am not feeling the thanksgiving love..... (rant-just need to get it out)

I feel so conflicted. I have been flaring now since the end of October and am just sick of being sick. I am normally the nicest person and try to not bug people about my disease but I think because of the pain and the pred, I'm starting to lose it and now I feel guilty.

I HATE this season because everything revolves around food and right now I can't eat what I want. I'm in pain and am fatigued and am in the middle of finals and have to have a project done at work by Nov 30th. I felt this way when I was first diagnosed in 2007 but kind of "forgot" about it when I started feeling better.

Yesterday i went to whole foods and just walked around the store staring at food. (How pitiful is that) I stared at the produce section, at the deli section, at the bakery and then went home empty handed. I really want something like pear or apple, but I haven't figure a way to make it mushy and I don't know if the spices like cinnamon would make my symptoms worse and I'm really craving fresh vegetables only that hurts too. I am fortunate in that I can eat solid food but when I do, I feel so sick and uncomfortable I don't know if it is worth it. I'm not losing weight like I did the first time I flared because I keep shoving food in my mouth to give me energy to keep me going but I also know in the back of my mind that I'm just prolonging the symptoms and making myself more inflamed.

I have been on 40mg of pred for 3 weeks now and just bumped down to 30mg. The pred makes my skin look all scaley, my face and belly are swollen and I despise looking at myself in the mirror. I have basically morphed into a debbie downer hag and again feel guilty because I know I hate being by people that are like this because they suck the energy out of you. I need to just mourn and get over it but I can't.

I am snapping at my boyfriend even though he is trying hard to be supportive and understand my situation. I should be thankful that he is there for me but I also am angry at him for him being the "well" one.

I snapped at one of my cousins yesterday because he asked me if I wanted to go to a football game (which was nice he was trying to include me in a family event.) Initially I said "no but thanks for the invite." And then he tells me another cousin is going and then asks "am I sure I don't want to go?" and I lost it. I told him that i didn't feel well, and that I wouldn't feel well for another 2 months until the meds they put me on would start to finally work, that I may not pass this quarter and that I probably would not make the project and to quit bugging me because all it does is make me sadder. He replied "I wasn't trying to push you but fine, I'll never ask you again." Later in the day, I apologized for snapping at him and told him that I would like if he still asked me if I wanted to do stuff but understand, if I say NO. No means no.


There is a thanksgiving dinner with my family today and I really don't want to go. The only thing I can eat there is turkey and I don't want to eat it because it'll hurt and I don't want to stare at everyone eating food that is too rich for me to eat. I've read on here today that there are others that are going to suck it up and just pretend they are ok today during their outings but I just don't have the energy to do it. Am I being selfish because I should be thankful that I have family (both my parents are dead) that want to include me with their events? Or am I doing the right thing by keeping to myself because that way they don't have to see the ugly side of me?

Thanks for being here. I feel a bit better.

For those of you that can eat, enjoy your food! =)

p.s. i normally see a therapist but he is booked solid for the rest of the month. <sigh>

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I agree with not being so hard on yourself. Having this disease is not your fault. Don't push yourself to do more then you want to. You don't have to. I like the holidays, I like Thanksgiving. But honestly it's just a big dinner. Don't worry about it if your not up for it. There is always next year.

I'm on pred myself, and I'm also on the roller coaster. I'm not sleeping good (or barely at all). I'm snapping at people for silly things one minute, and feeling sad the next. My symptoms however are MOSTLY controlled right now with the pred. So while I may not feel too hot tonight after all that rich food, I'm doing it anyway. Now if I was feeling the way I was a few weeks ago? Heck no, I'd be in bed!

(((HUGS))) to you, take it easy on yourself okay?

Everyone needs a good vent :) I'm in the same boat as you. I've dropped about 85 pounds since late February and I love my food but it don't love me back   Every holiday I've been in a flare for the past year, including my birthday and haven't been able to eat my favorite foods so I lived it up today even though I'm flaring...I'm paying for it now but it was worth it! Maybe you could try just eating that one comfort food you love in a small portion to make you feel better(at least for a short while).

  As for the emotional distress I completely understand! Prednisone is horriable. Today I am officially down to 50 mg of Prednisone and I just tell myself that the side effects will eventually go away. Don't you hate being moody all the time and feeling bad for blowing up on people? It can be hard for loved ones to understand if they don't have the disease or take the horrid medicine that comes with it but that's what we're here for!

The physical side effects will go away eventually

I'm on prednisone right now too. I've been taking a homeopathic remedy (nux vomica) that seems to take the edge off, but I still have 4 more weeks and sometimes the taper affects more than the initial dose!

My motto this time around is no soldiering on. I'm canceling plans if I don't feel well, and just planning on spending more time at home with my two cats, who don't seem to make me irritable. :-D It really helps me to let everyone know how the prednisone makes me feel and that it's hard for me to commit to an activity when I don't know if my mood or intestines will be up for it. Not everyone understands, but it helps.

Hopefully you can find something to pamper yourself with. {{hugs}}

Sarah

thank you all for the moral support. so I wound up going to the thanksgiving party anyway and it went better than I thought. My cousin and his wife were totally cool. When my boyfriend and I arrived, I asked if I could lie down for a while and he showed me to a guest bedroom and I slept for about an hour and a half. When I woke up, everyone had already eaten 90% of the food and I heated some tomato soup and sat down with them. They didn't make a scene and make me get up to eat with them which was cool or look all butt hurt that I was not even trying to sample their food which is what I was worried about. Then they brought out the pies which I stared at but I decided to be good and just have some greek yoghurt and honey and some cheddar cheese bits.

My cousin George was trying really hard to understand why I could not eat their food since it was very organicy and fresh (which normally I can eat in small increments) and I told them THAT was precisely the reason WHY I could not eat it. It wasn't processed enough and I'm doing the low residue diet and squash with butter and brown sugar is not low residue. I also told them that us chronies don't universally have a specific diet, so while some people can eat fresh fruits and veggies no problem and actually feel better but that was not ME especially when I'm flaring. I'm happy with my jello, and yoghurt, and ice cream and soup thank you very much. It's just that rosemary organic turkey with coniac gravy, butter and sour cream mashed yukon potatoes, roasted squash with brown sugar, and sour cream apple pie and sweet potato pie sounded and looks much better. =)

The cousin that I snapped at was there and kind of ignored me for a while but after my nap, even he warmed up to me and talked to me for a bit. =D

oh and thank you kazbern for the recipe on the apple. =D it sounds like just what I have been craving.

Good night and Sweet Dreams!

Glad you went and had a good time. Big social occasions like Xmas and for you in the States, Thanks giving can be hard when feeling rough. If we spend Xmas with friends then they all know about the CD and if having period when eating not great (which isn't often nowadays but do remember those times!) then they are fine if I only eat one or two things. I went to a Xmas meal for our quiz team and as was due in for stricture surgery 2 days lter was on restricted diet si while they all ate a full Xmas dinner I had sieved soup for starter and main course and ice cream for dessert. We all found it funny as the chef was running around trying to get together a different soup so I didn't have same for starter and main course!

:(  I realized this year that I hate Thanksgiving. And I will probably hate every holiday from now on that is food-related- which is all!