Dating someone with crohn's?

Hi, I met this girl and we really hit it off, been talking for awhile. Anyway It's the week before our first date and she tells me she has the disease and she is in the hospital cause of a flare up, so we have to reschedule.. So I did some reading and ask questions about the disease, but I don't know what to think. I mean from the sounds of it in the past 6 months she spent 3 of them in the hospital, I don't want sound shallow, but at the same time I'm kinda freaking out and doubting everything. I'd like to think I'm a better person then this and not let this stop me from seeing an incredible person. Is this disease manageable? I know most sites say it is. I'm not saying with her cause we are still in the very early stages of everything but one day I'd like a family and kids. Does anyone have any advise that may help? I'm really trying to be open minded, thats why I signed up with this site and asking people who live with this disease.

Before I got sick I dated a guy with crohn's it was hard because he was also very depressed about the disease and everything in his life so I guess the depression was harder on our relationship than the CD and what ultimately ended it , I loved helping him out after surgeries and to try and make him feel better in every way. I learned as much as I could about his disease and it did not bugg me one bit that he could not do all the things I could and like gumb44 said you can marry a perfectly healthy person who later becomes very sick.

Then I got sick 4 years later, before I got sick I was a very active and happy person and did everything I wanted to do in life. After I got sick I had to slow things down a bit and it was very hard on my current partner but he stuck with me :) and we are going strong 4 years after I got diagnosed. He had a very hard time coming to terms with my new life as a crohnnie since he only knew the healthy me, I just told him to man up or get out and he chose the first option. I thankfully managed to get into remission and have been fine for the last 2 years, we just had out first babies twin girls and life is good.

If this girl is special and you see a future with her I would not think twice about her crohn's just read up and know the ups and downs.

unabth - I think it is wonderful you are caring enough to ask and you didn't immediately write this girl off. In the 3 years we dated before we got married, I had a surgery every year (not all Crohns realted). My now husband was wonderful, understanding and patient. He knew me as me and not my disease and he liked me. I liked him too not just for when I was sick, but his great personality when I was healthy. You have to find out if you have that before you decide if the disease is part of it.

I work 40+ hours a week, have a fairly active social life and CD is just a part of me. Not everyone is sick so much. She may be at a low point. Can you handle someone with a long term chronic illness---you seem to be able to look inside pretty well. COnsider that. If you are willing to give it a try, go in with a focus on learning personalities of each other without the illness.
Try to let her and your true personalities show through....if you find you care for each other, then you can learn to work through illness.

Thanks for caring!

Having CD can be very miserable a lot of the time and I think it's safe to say that some of us feel very guilty for having this disease...I didn't get sick until after I was married and had my first baby (21 yrs ago is when I got sick) but I married my boyfriend from my early teen yrs so even though he admited how difficult my crohn's was for him, we managed through it and here we are married still, 23 yrs later and together for a total of 30 this year.

Everyone's CD affects them somewhat differently too, some are mild/moderate/severe and degrees of severity can vary from one flare to the next, so can the length of flares. In this day and age there seems to be many with some sort of health issue, if not yet then more than likely at some point in everyone's life they'll have to deal with something...that's just life.

It can get depressing for us and even cause anxiety issues so working around those types of issues may very well be a reality but that doesn't mean a solid relationship can't be formed with someone living with CD.

Good luck with everything.

It's not the cards we're dealt with that define us, it's how we play them.

neelima, i doubt that.. i have 2 girls.. and i am the only on who have CD. and My husband have IBS. we the only people have issues with the disease. it doesnt affect our children. its very slim for them to get them.. so if you have a family history that is strongly have CD.. then it may.. alot of times they dont.

Really very very thanks mtgman.

I am 35 year old female and have had crohns since I was 15. I'm single and haven't had an issue with anyone I've dated having a problem with my crohns.  With that being said I recently had to have a temporary loop ileostomy done to give my large intestines a break.  I have been very depressed about it ever since I had it done. I haven't found anything to put me in remission in order to have the reversal. I haven't had the desire to date just for that reason, but my friends tell me that taking the approach of getting to know someone before you tell them about it is the way to go, which is what I've been doing. If the right person comes along they will love me for me and all the other issues won't even matter to them. I don't want to be with anyone that isn't going to be understanding bc that is just setting myself up for a doomed relationship. Anyone can get sick at anytime. We are all going to get older and our outside appearance and bodies are going to change, but who we are on the inside will always remain the same. Treat others the way you would want to be treated.  This is not something she chose to have nor is it anything she can help.  Put yourself in her shoes and think about how devestating it would be if the tables were turned.  But I also agree that not everyone  can handle being with someone that has crohns, so dig deep and figure out if your someone that is cut out for this roller coaster of a ride. Follow your heart!! Hope this helps and good luck!! ;-)

Hahaha, Chlokeno, I really appreciate what you had to say, and I think your acknowledgement that having this disease made your boyfriend the man he is is a really apt and important one. It's just a little hard to take it seriously when you misspell the name of his disease nine times! :)

Unabth, I think your question is certainly valuable, and I understand your concern, and want to join the ranks applauding your decision to come to the forum to get a better perspective. Crohn's Disease is clearly not an insignificant part of this girl's life at this point. As has been stated, spending 3/6 months in the hospital is far from the norm for most Crohn's patients, and hopefully this isn't the norm for her either. While people with Crohn's can typically live relatively normal, functional lives and have healthy romantic relationships and family lives, having Crohn's is inevitably going to be a big part of our lives, and remains a huge consideration even in remission.

I'll give you a brief description of how my disease would impact a prospective romantic relationship, in the hopes that it provides some insight into your situation:

I'm a 22 year old girl and was diagnosed at 14. My disease is described as 'moderate' - I have flare ups at least annually, but they typically respond well to steroids, and the rest of the time I'm just on maintenance drugs. I've only had one surgery and it was minor, and I was hospitalized one time for about a week. I'm a mostly-functioning college senior. Having Crohn's has had a huge impact on my personal development, both for better and for worse, and I think you will find this to be the case for all of us. My experiences struggling with the disease have left me with an enhanced perspective relative to my peers, and fostered in me a real sense of the variability of the human condition, and a compassion comes with that; I think I have a lot to be thankful for in this regard. Being sick a lot also means that I have a much greater appreciation for the times when I'm feeling well, and for 'the little things' that I miss out on when I'm stuck in bed. That said, Crohn's has left me with a lot of insecurities. I often feel guilty to be such a burden to my loved ones, and I worry about my ability to accomplish my goals in the future with my unpredictable health. On bad days I sometimes get swept up in "what did I do to deserve this" self-pity. On some level I also feel a sense of shame for having this disease and very rarely tell people I have it. There are a lot of complicated emotions tied up in this.

I hope to have a family some day, and have had a couple great serious relationships, and one real dud. While my illness may require some patience, when I'm not feeling well I am typically able to just snuggle up in bed, or watch television or something; it doesn't really make me a monster or hard to be around. But it is harder for me to be active around the house, or take care of obligations, or be relied upon at these times, and if I had a family this might make things more of a challenge for my partner. My one terrible relationship was with a boy who was wonderful for the first 9 months when I was feeling well, and totally couldn't handle it when I suddenly started to get sick. He knew I had Crohn's the whole time we were dating, but when it came down to it he became very resentful and angry, and the stress of this unfortunate situation made my symptoms a lot worse, and that was the one time I ended up in the hospital. For this reason, before you get serious I would advise you to think long and hard over how you'd realistically respond to a situation like this; even if you were already having problems with your girlfriend, its important for you to be able to rally if she needs your support.

OK somehow this ended up super long, but I hope it was in some way helpful. I think you should talk to her and get a better understanding of how her disease affects her, and her outlook going forward. You just started getting to know each other; there's no need to make such a big decision right away, maybe feel it out for a little while first? And hey, don't forget that there's a lot of money in research right now, and there are a lot of promising 'cures' in the early stages of development, not to mention the fact that Crohn's is the only complex genetic disease with a fully traced genome. Maybe if you can just hold out for ten years or so, this won't be a problem!

Best of luck!