So I'm back from seeing the surgeon

And not sure whether I feel better or worse. >_>

I dunno whether it's just my doctors, but they all seem to get quite psychological. Or whether it's just me and I give off that vibe of somebody who is a psychological screw-up before they even open their mouth. The surgeon asked if I was 'cross' about what had happened to me and I admitted I was. However, it was quite hard for me to talk about. The only way for me to truly articulate myself in face-to-face communication is to be angry: then I'm crystal clear! >_>.

But it takes a lot to get me angry with staff. It mostly happened when I was an in-patient in hospital and the stress of being in an environment where I had no control over anything would finally wear my last nerve down and I'd get mad. My eyes would blaze, and the luckless junior doctor, or whoever had come to see me that day, would get the full blast of my sustained fury.

But otherwise, I'm a rather quietly-spoken, even shy sort. It goes against my nature to demand, or even ask, for things, which just does not help my cause. For instance, you lot must know how my skin has been driving me up the bend for the past 3 months - I've gone on about it enough. So naturally I brought it up with the surgeon, but she seemed to think it was a response to stress and depression as a result of the operation. So I said I'd always been depressed and never itched before. She said that things can have a sudden start - like Crohn's for instance. Mine did actually just start up one day, so I couldn't really deny that one. Anyway, that particular strand of conversation didn't go anywhere.

I told her about cancelling the appointment with the psychologist and she said that was a shame: that I needed to see the psychologist more than I needed to see her <_<. The stoma nurse (who did show up) said I could've phoned/emailed her and something else could have been arranged. Kicked myself a bit for not doing so, but too late now.

We talked about life after the operation and making decisions about what to do now that I'm better. The surgeon asked about what plans I had for the future and there was the biggest silence you ever heard (or didn't hear, more accurately). That was probably the most helpful part of the visit, though. Between me, the stoma nurse and the surgeon, we eventually hashed out my first goal; get a dog. That was serious! I have wanted a dog for a long time, and indeed the surgeon suggested it at my last appointment. Both the surgeon and nurse told me to take it 'one goal at at time' and that was something I needed to hear and take onboard, because I have a horrible habit at visualising everything at once - and giving up in despair before I've even started. If I think about moving out of home, getting a degree, or whatever now, it's too much. The one point I almost cried was when I was asked about when I left school: education is a really, really touchy subject with me because I feel like I ****ed it up so badly, almost unforgiveably so.

The nice thing is that the stoma nurse seems to regard me as some kind of computer whiz. I'm not really, but in some circles I suppose being able to use google qualifies you as such. I'm like the family iPad/iPhone expert - and I don't even own an Apple product (and likely never will at their prices).

So surgery. Believe it or not, but yeah, we talked a bit about that as well. Utterly inconclusive. Honestly? I think the surgeon is waiting until I come to terms with having a stoma first :-/ But as long as my rectum is healthy a reconnection remains a future possibility. But 'diversion colitis', or Crohns, can appear even in a bowel completely detached from the rest of the GI tract. I think I have a certain amount of disease there - though probably not severe - and, knowing my luck, it'll be going absolutely nowhere.

So yeah. That's the last time I'll be seeing the surgeon for a long time, maybe forever, unless a dramatic relapse recurs. I mean, it's not exactly like I knew her well, but it still bums me out a bit. I absolutely hate this tendency of mine of finding it hard to let go, whether it be of a person or a situation; at best it makes me feel clingy or needy, at worst like a creepy stalker. Doesn't help that I get so keyed up for appointments like this: it pisses me off that I might spend months thinking about an appointment while the doctor in question probably doesn't think about it until 5 minutes beforehand!

But whatever. I guess a new (and terrifying) phase of my life has really opened up now. Oh, and I'm not going to give up on finding a physical cause for my skin - not yet - but I'll have to go back to my GP for that now. I still would like to hear a dermatologist's opinion.

Soz for yet another whale of a post from me, folks. To be honest, I would forget everythin within a week if I didn't write it down. It just helps consolidate it for me and sometimes reminds me of stuff I would have forgotten otherwise.

Luckily I don't have any major appointments until November now... >_>

Cheers soystud :p

Do the bumps look exactly like goosebumps? I get bad chills (non-feverish ones) at times, too (mostly at night), and goosebumps crop up all over when I get those.

I don't think it's a food issue. My diet has changed less than you might think; I eat salad now, but not much else has changed. I was on Pred for the larger part of the past two years and while I was on Pred, I could eat reasonably well.

I've never been able to pinpoint any obvious food intolerances.

ncot... could be not a new food but one that the manufacturer changed the ingrediants? like coloring, etc... just sayin" keep well..

Could it be your thyroid? LOL, I hope you know that was somewhat a joke. But seriously, PLEASE follow up with your GP about the thyroid.

And it sounds like you DID have your psych consult...with the surgeon! What a great plan to get a dog. Your parents are on board with that?

NiceCOTea, yea for you! A dog is a great companion, they follow you anywhere and watch what you do with no comment. I used to have chills that ran up and down my body when I first went to bed. It was weird and went on and off for a few years before I was diagnosed. They seem to have stopped for now.
I am strongly recommending the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. It is working for me!
Good luck and I agree, your surgeon helped heal you more than the physical!

NCOT, I'm the same way about food. I wasn't before I got sick, but now every time it's mealtime I think, "Oh man, I have to eat AGAIN?" I'm not sure if it's because I still remember the excruciating pain that came within minutes after eating before I got it somewhat under control. But it's still just not fun for me. Unless it's chocolate or ice cream, that is. :)

Cheers, Bane. Daschunds are cute :p

The only real requirement is that the dog be small. Partly because my mum would go nuts if I bought home a Great Dane (even though they're lovely dogs; one of the nicest dogs I ever knew was a black Great Dane), and partly because I don't want my arm yanked off by a large, muscular dog straining at the leash.

I still can't decide whether to go for a puppy or an older rescue dog. I'm so utterly indecisive about everything.

Ooh, that's such a nice thing to say - makes me wish I'd posted even more now >_>.

But seriously; been feeling massively down all day, and that's the first thing I've read to cheer me up a bit. So thank you for that, Djin.

Edit: This is my 3500th post. Celebration! :p

BTW, after my 15 year old Golden Retriever died, I got a 7 yr old rescue dog. She is the color of a yellow lab, about 50 lbs, but I think she's a mix of many breeds. She is a wonderful dog and she adores me. The only problem is that she's getting old fast...she's almost 10 and has hypoglycemia and is very slowed down. I wasn't emotionally ready for a puppy when my old dog died, but I'm also not ready to lose another dog yet. With your depression, I would suggest that if you get a rescue dog (which is a great thing to do) get a young one....otherwise you may get your heart broken too soon! That being said, my dog is a sweetie, and I'm glad she can live out her senior years in a good home---she deserves it.

I also have a rescue dog.  he weights about 40lbs and is just happy to be "invited to the party".  he is jus t happy go lucky.. well mannered and listens to commands extremely well.  he keeps my wife company, especially when I am feeling bad.  so he is a great companion for her and I. 

Cheers folks :p

@gumby - Dogs live to quite different ages sometimes. Our evil-tempered Jack Russell terrier made it to 16 - but he was senile for the last two years of his life and it wasn't nice seeing a formerly sharp-witted dog walking round and round in circles, becoming incontinent and not appearing to recognise us. I hope your rescue dog has a few more years left, but admittedly it does depend. Incidentally, my mum's friend's bichon frise (not a true bichon frise, there's something else in there; something long-legged) was a rescue dog and he has a very sweet nature, despite what seems to have been neglect and cruelty in his past. (I hate people sometimes.)

@PV - I'd actually love to get two dogs for pretty much the reason you gave: they keep each other company and I just think it's nice for them. It's not really any more trouble to walk two dogs than it is one, but unfortunately it's just not possible: took long enough to get my parents to agree to having one dog!

@mirowpl - Is 40lb fat or thin in a dog? >_>. Genuinely have no idea how big a dog of that weight would be.

@kazbern - Indeed :p I suspect it would be hard to find a truly young rescue puppy though. Puppies are all cute and adorable at 8 weeks; not so much so at 8 months and its owners already bored of looking after it. But I could probably find an older puppy, or very young adult, which would still be a compromise of sorts.

Thanks.

I think I'll try looking for a shelter puppy, or one who would be destined for the shelter if nobody takes it. I'd like to feel I'm doing a teensy bit of good.

Love your posts and rooting for you to get the dog!
Very sorry to hear the diet does not work for you. My folks constantly try to undermine it but my husband and kids KNOW it works from how much better I feel. about ten years ago I had that major flare and did not know what it was.... anyway... it hurt for years to eat. Now, if I am strict, it does not. So I would ask you to just keep an open mind and think about trying it again sometime.
Also, I would buy your book. It would open the eyes of many and do it in a way that satifies what a good book needs. Humor, suspense, drama.... you get the picture. Oh yea, you LIVE IT! Keep us informed!