Crohn's and divorce/seprtation?

I am just 29 yrs old my wife is 31 and we have a 21 month old daughter. Basically since about her second trimester I have been declining in health rapidly. Not to mention during this time I took a new job about 1.5 hours away and had to live 4 nights a week away from my pregnant wife with our first child feeling helpless and wanting to give her the world. We moved back togheher after the baby was born (and yes i was there for the birth...so awesome) My crohn's is at least 50% stress related so my body started to go down hill quick... our beautiful baby was born om May 26, 2008. My health continued to get worse until we all decided that surgery was the best option. Well during the surgery he clipped my colon and days later i went into septic shock due to the faulty surgery which ended up with me having to wear a colostomy bag. After going through that I have a new found respect for those people who have to do that everyday....wow. anyway it took me 9 months in and out of te hospital with various aliments from kidney failure to mass dehydration to major abscess before i was able to back to work. I went from about 205lbs to 126lbs in 3 months i was just bones and skin. It took 6 months till they reversed the bag before i started to gain weight again. My body could finally absorb some nutrients........oh yeah during the middle of all of this i went through a little bout of depression from having to watch my daughter grow up instead of being part of it.

ok ok ok enough back story present day: I am getting sick again and again having to go off of work. My wife and I are going to separate.. I know that she has been throug a lot and she her husband die on a table and then come back 3-4 times in more than any wife or husband should have to see, let alone raise a child while going through it and not go crazy. I was diagnosed 3 months before we got married about 5 years ago, i had never heard of it, never the less the damage it could do.

I guess my question is i now that we are not the only couple to go through something like this. I was just hoping for some advise for me or her or the both of us. I am already moving out next Thursday. It has been very cold and i have not felt loved in over7-8 months..Call me a softy but i like to hear i look good everyday just like a woman does and once to have been sick for 2 years it does a number on your self confidence. i just want to feel passion and love again, i forget what that feels like. i am trying to think positive and just really focus on getting healthy and focus on my 2 year old daughter.

Any comments, insight, pointing out what i am doing wrong, i can take it all and anything can and will help

god bless and may you all get off the toilet and go have fun outside this weekend!

Matthew

Well the good news, you can start MTX. It really is the only thing that has even remotely worked for me so far (the injections not the pills).
I know you are concerned about the fertility side effects (which are suppose to be out of you system within a few months and this is an old med, so that is fairly relible info), but I think being able to help care for the child you already fathered is more importanted right now then worrying about if you can father children in the future. I assure you the state will give priority to your "first" family. You got to get priorities straight man. It is more important to take care of the child you have now, then any worry about whether or not your can father children in the future (especially given how much damage your already have to your abdomen). Futhermore you might want to think about if you should really be fathering any more children if you cannot help care for them. I assure you are not alone in being worried about these issues. It is a concern for all of us, but I think the priority that the state usually takes is pretty clear that you take care fo the children you have in existance right now.

I think a seperation is a good idea in that it is difficult to care for her to care for both you and a child. She too only has so much life energy to give (because pregnancy needs recovery time too, and hers will be slowed by childcare and ill husband care) and who does that energy really need to go to? It is extrodinately difficult and hard to do both.

It sounds like you have some emotional needs not being met too, both within yourself and in your relationship. Being ill really does a number on your self esteem, confidence, it really does effect every part of your life. I think getting some professional help is a really good idea, because these are issues that effect your mind/body connection and all states of your well-being.

Good Luck and Take care of Yourself,
Navy

Matthew, my aren't you haaandsome! Really, you look maaavelous!

I too am sorry to hear this. It is one of the things that happens, even when your well, but heck blame the Crohn's, I would! You know that a diagnosis of CD has nothing to do with your being the best Dad you can be, even when it presents limitations. As Navy and Nanners have written, getting yourself healthy is the priority for you and so your daughter get's more of her Daddy

Not all relationships survive Crohn's, it's nothing personal (despite how it might feel), it's just that some people have certain visions of their lives that do not include illness. Those who only live beside it, such as your wife and Nanner's ex-husband, are of this kind. We may be too, only we can't get away from it -- that sucks!

I too am like Nanners, I married for the only time 20 months ago, but I had 2 long term common law relationships. I never felt loved or understood by either of those men, when push came to shove (when the last one finally got how sick I could be, he cried for himself-- trust me I asked) and hard as it was for me, I let them both go deciding it took a mighty fine man to be better than no man at all.

The mighty fine man literally walked to my door 5 years ago, and he was totally worth waiting for. He get's what I live with, he loves me and accepts my love even when I cannot express it as fully as I would like. In turn, I get what that his wife is sick and this effects him too. He does the heavy lifting and I make sure he knows how much I appreciate his care (sometimes I feel I cannot express that well enough, but he assures me I do).

Things that got me through my years of single hood: Friends (my family sucked). I hope you have people around you who will get you out and help you out. I make a new friend a year and I feel blessed with each and every one, even the one's that don't last...

As for love, of course this is one thing that nourishes us in the deepest way. But that love is always around us, it's not just what we get it's what we give, and this ties into taking care of yourself. However you want to be loved, make sure you give it to yourself first. I find the more I do that the more it comes to me from others.

Amusements, books, movies, music, writing, playing guitar and kids. That's my list anyway...

Did I say friends?? lol

You don't say if your on meds now, or if you can tolerate them.

You show a balanced view of what's going on and this is probably the best thing for your stress, though a break up is stressful.

I cannot say enough about the support of a good therapist, my rule is that they are like a close friend, though the relationship is pretty one sided. After making sure they understand chronic illness, is the connection factor. You'll know it when you feel it and if you don't have it with them, find some one you do find it with. This can help you become clear in yourself and will give you a place to freely express to some one who cares.

I would suggest that in the mean time, do what you can for your child and her mother. If your cooking for yourself, cook extra and take it over there. If your running errands, call and see what you can pick up and drop off for them (single mother hood is hard too, I imagine she's working so this kind of help, as best you can, is truly something that can be appreciated) Note, do not use this as an excuse to see them. Be willing to drop it off at the door, or some place safe, so she has it when she get's home. She's going to need her space too, the best way to stay connected as co-parents is to give her that space. She will appreciate it.

It's hard to make plans when your flaring, talk about that with your child's mom, and ask her for flexibility while you deal with your flare so that you can be a part of your childs life as often as you can.

The Crohn's can be a challenge at times, I would imagine being a parent is challenged by it too, but the worst times pass.


I hope you have supportive family and friends, and that you are gentle with yourself while this transition takes place.

Please keep in touch, cutie pie :)

Ditto for what Nanners said. I will pray for you and your family. You don't mention extended family so I'm thinking they don't live closeby. The people on this forum are always ready to give support. We have all been thru some pretty dark times and just that one word of caring can make all the difference. My husband and I had a severely handicapped son, he left and there I was with crohn's and the full responsibility of our son with special needs. But I swear, one huge smile from my son had more healing power than any medication. Your daughter will see the love in you and reflect it back to you.

I was in a situation - that was not exactly the same - but still heartbreaking. The space gave me time to focus on my own health and with time comes healing...mentally and physically. This disease is so hard because there are so many setbacks and babysteps but you will get there. Hugs :)

Sorry to bring this thread back to life. But to OP, I am going through something similar with my wife who is largely unsupportive and doesn't seem to want to understand... I feel like a burden to my family even though I am not. I was just wondering if you could give me your email or if you could email me at [email protected] and we could talk? Just wondering what your experiences have been going through this 5 years ago. Thanks if you see this.

That being said about this being an older thread. It is a rare opportunity that you can go back and improve your advice. Statistically, it is rather common for couples to have issues when there are health issues. Indeed any large life transition can cause it, like finances, jobs, children, relational issues, etc. Please, please, please, maybe consider going to talk with a professional about this. After all, generally it is considered that relationship health, is an important aspect or a part of your overall health.