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Posted 12/22/2017 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi NCOT,
Thanks for sharing your pictures and I love the coloring! I am a mental health professional and I cannot understand why you are not seeing a therapist / part of groups / doing a treatment plan etc. Maybe it is different in the U.K.? I do know that working on getting better takes both courage and perseverance - and when someone is depressed those can be in short supply! I have worked with hundreds of individuals who have suicidal thoughts / plans / attempts. And always they tell me that "I can no longer stand the pain." and "Everyone would be better off without me." It is a dark place and often very little light can be found. But know that everyone on here is some form of light reaching out to you and hoping you can get find some peace and steps forward - whatever that will look like for you! Hang in there - there IS light!
Posted 12/23/2017 8:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi NCOT

So sorry to hear NHS has stooped to a new low. Can’t believe they recognised you needed extra care by admitting you and then literally do nothing. I hope they soon realise you are one of the patients who needs immediate attention and do their effing job!!

To explain NHS a bit to everyone else; the system is completely broken with not enough doctors and nurses, waaaay too many patients (constantly on the up too) and this is all amplified by shockingly bad administration and complete unwillingness to change. As a result, doctors have tiny little windows (a few minutes) per patient and have tables of spend that they follow, rather than doing what’s needed straight away. Remember, budget first!! In a nutshell, unless you are literally about to drop dead right there and then, they’re not that bothered and you are, clearly, quite ok.

Of course there are amazing clinicians too. Some have their departments in tip top conditions with no waiting lists (let alone waiting lists for waiting lists). UK also has some world leading surgeons and techniques. I’m not saying it’s all just bad. But unfortunately, unless you win the health lottery and get to one of these gems, you will suffer. I had to temporarily leave the country to get proper care.

Sorry NCOT, I don’t want to hijack your thread. Just wanted to explain the miracle of NHS and their everyday care. Wishing you all the best.
Posted 12/23/2017 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
@newmommy - On the whole I wouldn't disagree but you forgot a couple of things. Firstly that the NHS is being deliberately run down by the Tories and has been for years. The right wing Brexit fanatics are ideologically opposed to a national health service and many of them are in cahoots with US healthcare companies. The Tories also want trade talks with the US to be secret as they did with the EU negotiations (but the EU wasn't having any of it fortunately, so we've been able to witness the mess the Tories have made every step of the way).

You also forgot that the NHS delivers a far more efficient service for far less money than America. Yes, the mental health side of things is bad and that's unfortunate. The UK is a country with high rates of mental illness and there has never really been enough resources to deal with the mentally ill.

Anyway the whole subject thoroughly depresses me, as unless we get the Tories out of power it is quite possible there won't be an NHS as we know it in a few years time. They have less global reach than Trump but are no less destructive than him.

On a brighter note things are beginning to look up a bit, folks! I saw the psychiatrist yesterday. We are making progress towards a treatment plan. She lifted my section so I can go on leave again. I asked about meds but she wants to give it more time. I also met my new care coordinator. She seemed nice and was easy to talk to but apart from that I'm reserving judgement until I've seen her a few more times. But the last cc I had, which was a few years ago, was utterly useless.

PS: I spend about 20 minutes with my consultant and my GP. Never felt rushed by either of them. Most conscientious docs will spend as long as they need, within reason. And if you feel like like you need extra time with the GP you can book a double appointment.

PPS: Poppie, sorry I got a bit carried away on my soapbox >_<. No I haven't heard from my parents nor do they know I'm in here. To be honest I'm not sorry to miss the family Christmas; if anything I'm a bit relieved. I'm quite happy to spend Christmas in here now, especially as I have made up with the folks who got caught up in my massive meltdown. Like you said a week ago, but which I didn't quite believe, it takes a while to get to know people.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 12/23/2017 7:28:46 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/23/2017 3:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Miranda,

I''m so glad that you've met with people competent and I hope compassionate enough to give you a treatment plan! Finally! It represents hope. It represents validation.

Over the years I've been shocked by the people who were there for me. It's supposed to be family, but often times (given whatever the dysfunction is at the time) it has been friends, neighbors or even casual acquaintances that have stepped to the plate to help. It sounds like you've met some people who will help get you through and I'm sure they feel the same about you.

Lots of snow in Toronto. It will be a white xmas. Trees are very pretty.
Posted 12/23/2017 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
Glad to hear things are getting better for you in there. Keep up the good work.

We're going to San Antonio Texas to see my niece and extended family for Christmas. I have a terrible cold and bronchitis.....flying is going to be a challenge! I'm bringing my computer and I will try to check in on you while we're there.
Posted 12/23/2017 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
NCOT, I am very happy to see that you finally got to talk to the P dr & will hopefully get to make some progress there, sounds much more positive. So, the people that witnessed the meltdown, I feel certain could relate to your feelings. That more or less broke the ice with them. Fantastic, at least you don't feel so totally alone.

Today was our Christmas lunch with my two grown kids. After the lunch went to my son's GF's house & let the 2 kids open presents from the grandparents. Not my ideal way of spending Christmas with my grandson. His parents divorced nearly 3 yrs ago. Traditions have since changed & some I am not happy with, today was one. I am talking a complete change of things. I don't do change well. However, there is a huge Christmas light display at the Tx Ranger stadium that has a maze you walk through. I am going to that tonight with my daughter & her BF. It is suppose to be fabulous, perhaps that will help my funk I am in.

Here in the states, mental health truly is no different than what you have going on. People that have no insurance coverage have little resource options. It is considered indigent care so the waiting lists are a mile long. With insurance, a lot of restrictions involved & co-pays that can break the bank. It's like i always say, I have insurance but cannot afford to use it, outrageous yearly deductibles & co-pays. An example son's monthly premiums are outrageous & his yearly deductible is $7500. I am on Medicare so I do have some coverage, however, it is limited.

With it all being said, it truly sounds like things are beginning to turn the corner for you somewhat. Take care.
Posted 12/24/2017 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Well it looks like the slim hope of reconciliation with my parents has been dashed. My dad sent an email yesterday inviting me to Christmas dinner on Monday. I replied saying that I was an inpatient in a psychiatric ward ward and I wasn't allowed out on my own. My dad replied today. He didn't ask what I was in for and waffled about the logistics of transportation (he's far too selfish to pick me up himself even though he's a teetotaller). He then stressed I was welcome to come but only if I was 'seriously sure' (his italics, not mine) about being able to 'cope'. Cope on this instance meaning that pretending everything is normal and not looking or being sad.

I replied saying I didn't want to see anybody and can't deal with the family. I wished him a good Christmas and added that one day my mum might have the courage to get in touch with me herself instead of making my dad do it, but I wasn't holding my breath.

Not surprisingly I haven't heard anything back. I am devastated all over again. As for the staff they are useless useless useless. Had a row with them earlier. I'm now trying to cool it as I need to get out of this place. The staff have all the empathy of an old leather boot and about as much time for the patients as a Usain Bolt 100m race. I've been in here for nearly two weeks and I've had zero therapy and not a single discussion about med changes. I don't feel any better than before I went in.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 12/24/2017 10:49:07 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/24/2017 5:48 PM (GMT 0)
Papancha - Yes I'm officially diagnosed. No it hasn't made the slightest slightest whit of difference. The staff in here don't show any understanding of mental health or human psychology, let alone autism.
Posted 12/24/2017 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Happy Christmas, NCOT. Family is those we chose, and those we are related to. Parents have their own pains to deal with--and can cause so much pain as a result. I am proud of you for managing and confronting.
Posted 12/25/2017 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
Gosh, your Dad is not exactly emotionally available... his reply is all logic. I can see why you feel so isolated and forlorn.

I'm sure he and your Mum love you, they are simply burned out emotionally (not an excuse) and unable to say the things you need to hear.

If they were well and grounded they might say:
"Oh Darling Miranda, we are so sorry that you have ended up in that place.Wish we could give you a big hug and protect you from all the horrible things that life has thrown your way. We love you and are here for you any time you need to talk."

I find that telling yourself what you want to hear from people can be soothing...and maybe you could write down what you would like to hear?
And then if you can, forgive them.
And more importantly after that, forgive yourself.

Anyway, I wish you had some guidance along those lines, about being happy in spite of all the crap going on around you. It is possible, and it takes the sort of strength we've all seen in you. It just needs a little guidance, and support.

You are awesome, and you can be yourself. You deserve peace and happiness.

Merry Xmas, maybe Santa will be around later and give you a big belly laugh smile

Best wishes to you.
Posted 12/25/2017 12:59 PM (GMT 0)
NCOT, a couple of days ago you were feeling a little better. Then you got word from your dad & things went downhill from there. Can you possibly tell yourself I am the one in control of my life. I will no longer let negative people control me? I so wish you could do that, it would help you start to move on with your life. You have to do what is best for you & let that be your goal forever.

Stay where you are for a bit more. Make it a point to talk to the patients that you said saw your meltdown. You know they may feel just like you do right now, alone & no one to talk to.

Merry Christmas & know we are here for you.
Posted 12/25/2017 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you ambling. That was such a nice post.

Meanwhile I could hardly feel any sadder or lonelier. Most of the patients have gone home for Christmas and of those who haven't most of them are waiting for their family to visit them this afternoon.

I feel so lonely. I wish I had been adopted as a baby and had a different family. I can't stand the loneliness but I must stand it for a bit longer because I *need* to get out this place.
Posted 12/25/2017 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
NCOT, really sorry things are the way they are, especially at this time. Hope some of the nice posts in this thread will make it a bit easier. It’s clear that your long term friends here care about you truly and deeply.

Merry Christmas Miranda.
Posted 12/26/2017 6:45 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry this is such an awful Christmas for you. Please know I'm thinking of you and sending some love your way. I hope the day went ok for you.
Posted 12/26/2017 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Newmommy and gumby.

I think that was probably the worst Christmas Day ever, although 2 years ago was pretty hideous too. At least it's over; that is the only single positive thing I can say about yesterday.

I *should* be seeing the consultant psychiatrist tomorrow *hopes and prays*. I am going to ask if I can go out on my own; I reckon I have more chance of getting that than of being discharged and it will make being here more bearable. Escorted leave is a freaking joke. You have to ask for it at one of the two daily planning meetings, which results in a mad scramble and people begging for leave. Half of them just want to go out to smoke, because smoking is forbidden everywhere, even in the garden. One 50-year-old woman behaves worse than a 2-year-old and pleads, wheedles and stamps her feet until she gets her way. Ridiculous that we have to go through this every day, instead of having a timetable with allocated times for everyone that nobody can argue with. Also what you do on your escorted leave depends on the staff member. The guy I went out with yesterday took me on a 5 minute walk round the building then spent the rest of the time on his phone.

Each day plumbs new depths of boredom that I never knew existed until now. The Christmas TV was dire. I tried to watch the Dr Who TV special but it was a bit intellectual for this place, and a couple of staff members began chatting loudly. I couldn't hear it properly and gave up after 10 minutes.

On another note I don't think my uveitis is going away. Talked about it to the nurse dispensing the meds - she said my eyes looked red and I ought to see somebody about it. Easier said than done =/ But there could be an appointment to see the ophthalmologist in the post - I won't find out until I can visit my home :/
Posted 12/26/2017 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Miranda,
I guess your next step is to tell the care team that:
a. You are no longer feeling suicidal
b. You are open and willing to receive outpatient therapy
c. You are ready to go home

(Assuming all of that is true) My guess is that your grief about your brother and family is going to take many months for you to process, but staying in the hospital doesn't seem like it will necessarily help anything. It is a safe place for you to be, but if they aren't offering therapy, I don't see how it's useful going forward. If therapy is impossible to obtain, then maybe look for some self help grief support groups and get some books out of the library to help you process. I don't know what else to really suggest.

I am in Texas with my extended family. We are having big snow storms in Michigan and my daughter wasn't able to make it here with all the plane delays. I have this miserable bronchitis and can't stop coughing. It's nice to see everyone but travel on the holidays is a challenge! Keep hanging in there and I'll check in when I can.
Posted 12/28/2017 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
NCOT, just checking in on you. I am hoping by this time you got to see the dr & some sort of plan of action is on the table.

Please let us hear from you.
Posted 12/28/2017 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi folks.

The last couple of days have been better, but I had a very frustrating meeting with the psychiatrist this morning. She was vague, unhelpful and couldn't even get my name right (she called me Michelle, same as last week). She didn't seem a bit interested in my family problems. So I asked her about meds. She seemed faintly surprised that anyone would ask a psychiatrist about meds. I asked if they were going to be reviewed. Reviewed? What did I think she was, a psychiatrist who could prescribe psychiatric medication? I moved on to the subject of a discharge date, since she and the other person had been hinting strongly I was ready to leave. She couldn't tell me that as it was top secret info which needed to be discussed in top secret planning meetings. I persisted: next week? Tomorrow? She conceded it could be tomorrow but wouldn't say any more.

I was furious when I left. So furious I complained not only to my excellent friend by text but also to the nurse doing my medication. She told me that she was sorting out my TTOs. U wot? Meds that you take home with you upon discharge - don't ask me what TTO stands for. But she admitted it meant that I was almost certainly going home tomorrow. Another nurse confirmed it later on. What I still don't get is why the psychiatrist wouldn't tell me. I wasn't down on my knees begging to stay; I had accepted her decision, I just wanted to know when it would be.

Anyway now that freedom is almost upon me I find myself strangely conflicted. I will miss the company I think, as nuts as some of it is. As for help and services afterwards I am not sure what there is, apart from a daytime hospital which runs in the morning. The same excellent friend found a couple of possible local groups for me, both for people needing emotional support. It looks interesting but this sort of thing tends to be a postcode lottery or have ridiculously long waiting times, so I am not getting my hopes up too much just yet. My new care coordinator might be able to come up with something as well.

Tired now. But I will try to make the most of my last night :-/
Posted 12/28/2017 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I really do not know what to say about this so-called psychiatrist. Really blows my mind to be honest.Best I can tell is the only benefit you have had by being there is not being totally alone. You have a few patients to have a little interaction with that has helped with the loneliness somewhat. I can see why you feel somewhat conflicted about being released.

I hope that once you are released you can get into some kind of an outpatient group. Perhaps between the care coordinator & your friend they can come up with something.
Posted 12/28/2017 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
(TTO = 'To Take Out', an odd acronym)

Sadly, many psychiatrists are not trained to deal with chronic illness, nor are they competent with basic survival skills. I would think a Pain management team, as well as a counselor would useful.
But it seems like those things are pretty hard to come by...

There are some online courses but face to face, or group, meetings should be part of the plan.

Wish you good luck. It does seem time to move on from that place, and get some outside care going. Get some referrals and letters from them if possible before you leave?
Posted 12/29/2017 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hey NCOT, just checking in. Were you released today?
Posted 12/30/2017 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
Wondering the same.
I’d recommend getting a discharge summary. They should list your meds, your inpatient treatment ( or “ treatment”) & outpatient resources. They shouldn’t discharge you without putting you in contact with a community therapist.

Essentially it should indicated the reason you were admitted, the goals of treatment & how they’ve been addressed so you are well enough to be discharged.

You advocate for yourself by making them accountable.

Regarding your family: it’s really tough but try to remember that you are only in control of how you react to your family. They won’t change but you can change your reaction to protect yourself and get stronger.
Posted 12/30/2017 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hey ncot how are you getting on?
Posted 12/30/2017 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Miranda. Sorry, haven't been on in a while, been sick for over a week now. Been thinking about you and wondering how you made out through out Christmas? Sending healing wishes and hope you are okay.
Hugs
Dorri
Posted 12/30/2017 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thinking about you Miranda. Hoping for an update. Speaking of bad Christmases, I had a bad one a year ago, I woke up and nearly immediately stepped in a pile of dog poo... I hope you're feeling less conflicted & ready to go home, with renewed hope for the future. *hugs*
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