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A lot of inner conflict!

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 11/18/2007 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
I am so jacked up right now, I don't even know where to begin with this post.  But thanks in advance for hearing me out...

I had my double scope on Friday.  They gave me enough Demerol to down a T-Rex, I guess, because it was only this morning (Sunday) that I finally woke up out of the haze.  Normally when I get scopes I'm good to go just a couple hours afterwards.  I barely remember anything about the past two days...

I don't remember what the doc said to me afterwards, but my fiance said, "Everything appeared normal visually, so now we just have to wait for the biopsies." Who knows how many they took, but I guess they went down into the jejunum with their fancy balloon enteroscope.  It was nice to know there are no obvious bleeding ulcers or anything like that.  I just really need them to figure this out from the biopsies.  Otherwise I don't know what to do.  I guess that will be the doctors' decision.

It is horrific to feel so ill and even more horrific to not know the answer to all of it.  I mean, it's beyond the point of utter ridiculousness.  It might sound dramatic, especially for someone who prides herself on keeping the drama to a minimum in life. 

Besides all of this, it turns out I received a 69.5% final grade in one of my classes, where the passing grade is a 70%.  So I found out I have to re-take the class during the summer.  Still, given what I've been putting up with this quarter, I consider myself lucky that I passed everything else and get to move onto the next quarter.  Which commences in a week.

Thanks again, peeps...love you guys.

Posted 11/18/2007 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
You missed it by .5%?? The prof didn't even round up? I don't have Crohn's, but my daughter does and I believe you guys deserve a medal just for hanging in there at school!

You have my undying admiration.

Posted 11/18/2007 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
To get as far as you have, with all the problems you've been facing, you deserve more than a passing grade. I really admire your guts. Any chance you can talk to the professor? I would give it a try to save my summer, lol.

As far as not getting any answers, I swear that's the way this disease works most of the time. You KNOW there's something wrong, but try to prove it without someone opening you up and taking a look.

I hope you get some answers from your tests and I hope your professor gives in a little, but if neither of them happen, you know you can still go on, keep trying, keep coping, and come here to vent whenever you need to.
Posted 11/18/2007 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Sarita,
Well just think of the education you are getting about unknown illnesses, definately zebras here. (Gee don't you wish it could have been another way to get this kind of an education?) Sometimes I think it is worth it to go to school in order to figure out what is wrong with us...LOL. WOW what a kickin grade you will get when you are healthy. I know it sucks, and you are not alone, this is just how these kind of diseases progress.  I agree with above you know there is something wrong for a long time before you are dx. You know from this experience you will make a tremendous difference in the world (not that you haven't already). Frankly, I think a second colonscopy is always a good thing to do. For me the first one sucked and they saw nothing, second one: one month later several severe areas of crohns.  By this time I could barely walk from all the extraintestinal effects. 

Given how long it is taking for you to recover from the scopes/sed if you can walk do it, but stimulants do help too if you can tolerate it (I honestly use GA when I get scopes done, because I wake up and do the military thing if I am just under sedation, wouldn't you like to me my GI). Lots of gatorade and water, soups, etc.

Hugs,
Navy

Posted 11/18/2007 11:40 PM (GMT 0)

Actually, this particular professor knows more than any other professor what I've been going through.  When I went in there to talk to her, I just broke down.  I was a mess that day (the day before the scopes).  I looked like crap with all those bruises everywhere, my eyes full of doom, getting all skinny.  I sort of filled her in.  She was very sympathetic, and even offered to take me to the hospital the next day (I started laughing; I was like, no way are you going to witness any crapping-of-the-pants)!  I was definitely not trying to play the sympathy card for an extra half a point, so in a way I'm glad she didn't turn around and give me the pass.  I want to be the best doctor I can be, and if that means I have to re-learn the intricacies of respiratory epithelium and liver cells, hey...it'll just make me a better doc.

I just wish I knew how to get this under control so I could focus on being a doc rather than being a patient!!!

Posted 11/18/2007 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Amen sister!
Posted 11/19/2007 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
Too bad with our illness, a diagnosis in no way means getting anything under control...
.5 huh? Don't feel bad, I took statistics 3 times as an undergrad before I passed. Partly due to health problems & also the extremely long class time. I had trouble concentrating in a class that lasted 3 hours. anyway, I finally did pass it, but it caused me to take an extra semester ( for one of the follow up psych classes, "Tests & Measurements") in the end.

Matthew
Posted 11/19/2007 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
Be proud of yourself. I've read some of your other posts. You work so hard and you are so brave..you are an inspiration to many of us! Having to re-take a class is a pain in the ass (pun intended) but you will get through it and be a great doc. Become a famous GI and we'll all come and be your patients one day! I hope that your biopsies give you some answers and you feel better soon. Keep writing!
Posted 11/19/2007 3:29 AM (GMT 0)
Sarita,

I know it's very hard, but you ARE learning to be the best doctor, even though you are having to take the rocky route. You are learning compasson, empathy and above all else, the ability to really "LISTEN" to your future patients. How many of us here have gone undiagnosed for years or even decades? How many of us have been lost in HMO red tape? I'm with Gumby....you will be famous!
Posted 11/19/2007 6:06 AM (GMT 0)
Nice to see how strong you are in dealing with this illness. Wish you the best of luck.

After I was diagnosed with my CD, one of my doctors told me that he had a friend in medical school who also had Crohn's. He had some tough times also, but my doc said that he not only went on to complete med school, he is still practicing medicine. Assuming he is about the same age as my doctor, that would mean he has been practicing for 20-30 years.
Posted 11/19/2007 7:25 AM (GMT 0)

As usual, you guys bring me to my knees with your empathy and kindness...have any of you ever thought about partnering with your community's medical school to teach these young 'uns a little bit about being sick?  You guys would be amazing mentors.  Seriously.  They would have so much to learn from you.

I was poking around another forum I frequent, one full of medical students, and found myself getting really depressed.  There are people making themselves sick over the fact that they got a B on some exam and - gasp - is this going to affect their chances of getting a good orthopedic surgery residency?!  Or, even better - what's the best way to "get ahead" for head/neck anatomy during Thanksgiving break? 

I shouldn't be belittling others' troubles; I should know better than that by now.  I think I just get frustrated that the biggest concern for some people is a stupid test score.  Then again, it could definitely be argued by most people around the world that my moaning and groaning about being a sick med student is ridiculous as well, given the fact that a) I have the opportunity to get medical care and b) I have the opportunity to get an education in the first place.

Okay, sorry for the tangent.

P.S. I still do not have ANY diagnosis, by the way...all they tell me for sure is "it's not IBS." Which is funny.  Sort of.

Posted 11/19/2007 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
Sarita:

None of us is in control of the big things that happen in our lives. We just get to control how we choose to respond. That choice is not even really all within our control because choices flow from genetic predisposition(nature), environment(nurture) and circumstance. Despite the terrible challenges you are now struggling with, I sense that you are choosing to accept what you can't change and fight like heck for what's important. To me that's true resiliency. Maybe you have been blessed with great genes and a nurturing environment in which to grow -- or maybe you are figuring all this out despite what life has handed you. Whatever, I think you are going to be ok because you are someone who will keep turning the prism until you find the rainbow.

Remember, this too shall pass!
Posted 11/19/2007 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
Sarita,
Most of us here have had that knowledge of something being wrong for years before we had a dx. So we do know your pain. Especially since you are a woman you will find there are special challenges in being a patient. The whole there might be a little something wrong, but most of it is in your head thing. I just want to reiterate stick to your guns, what you are going thru is not normal and you will eventually find a way to feel better. Unfortunately it is a time consuming trial and error process that can also take years and docs get frustrated with not being able to fix you.
Hugs,
Navy
P.S. feel free to vent anytime!
Posted 11/19/2007 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Sarita- I totally understand why you are so frustrated. I would be furious. Its .5%!!!!!! Are your classes standardized? Ours are mostly essay format so there is so much discretion. However, we are blind graded so the professor has to grade on the paper, not the person. And yes, I hear you loud and clear about the geek squad obsessing that they might not be in the top ten. The lawyer I work for is an adjunct professor at my school. He says that I know a lot more from real life experience then the "nerd box" guys do from their hours of studying. Even if my GPA is a little lower than theirs I am more hireable. Just think about how much better you will do in an interview from your real life experience. And who will know more about a subject than the girl who took it twice!!! You will be an expert.
Posted 11/20/2007 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
Too bad you didn't have the proffesor I had for SEnse & PERCEPTION as an undergrad. Everything was on a curve, because everything was basically hypothetical in the 1980s! LOL.

Matthew
Posted 11/20/2007 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Sarita,
I used to be the Behavioral Medicine director for a Family Practice residency. I'm in private practice doing psychotherapy now...thank God, because I don't think I could take all the stress of my old job and be sick! Medical education in the U.S. is one big pressure cooker. There was a study, (I believe it was at Harvard) on empathy skills in medical students compared to residents, and they found that as doctors go through their training, they actually lose their empathy and become more hardened and cynical! The students who are obsessing about their grades, maybe just haven't had enough life experience to know any better. Please try to hang in there. I really believe that in the end, you are going to be an amazing doctor...you already are an amazing person!
Posted 11/20/2007 9:15 AM (GMT 0)

hang in there sarita~ i wish i could write more but am out of spoonage today however I wanted to let you know how much of an inspiration you are to me.  I am sorry that you didn't pass by .5.  Gurl you may have to retake that class but atleast you did it this qtr and didn't drop!  I know it's frustrating but I too believe that you will be an awesome doc!  I also get sick in the stomach listening to med students talk about those darn grades.  I wish society didn't place such an empathsis on the grades.  They are important, BUT there is much to be said about skills such as bedside manners and listening.

<virtual hug>

malakai

Posted 11/20/2007 2:46 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks, friends.  I am a little better emotionally in large part due to reading your posts.  It gives me a much-needed confidence boost.

I just have to keep reminding myself about last week.  I volunteered at a homeless shelter to do physical exams on acute patients.  My first patient was pretty sick.  Wheezing, crackly lungs, history of asthma.  A third-year student on my team (who must obviously have a stellar GPA, lol) said he wanted to rule out gastroenteritis in the patient!  He totally neglected to take her temperature/blood pressure/etc. (a lot of med students will say things like, "Well, that's what the medical assistant is for" - I'm like, "DUDE, we're at a homeless shelter.  We don't have any medical assistants!") So I took her temp and then immediately made the diagnosis of pneumonia.  She would've had to go to the ER but I gave her a breathing treatment and she improved dramatically.  The third-year student was just standing there like, "Hmm...wow, I never would have thought about pneumonia..." Jeez louise.

So there is hope after all, even for a student who failed histology.  LOL.

Posted 11/20/2007 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there!!  Just sending hugs!!  The medical field can suck,and test are just brutal,even for nurses!! Sometimes we just have to cry,I had a bad day Thursday,we had a 36 weeker die in an emergent csection AND on the SAME DAY a 18mth old came in arrest after drowning!!! Aggghhhh!!  I told them after that day that I was going to work at Starbucks!!!  Please feel better :-)
Posted 11/20/2007 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Uh, Sarita,
I hope there aren't too many like that passing & becoming docs. On the other hand, it could explain the additude problems known for a certain medical specialty!

Matthew
Just saying..
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