Lost

My fiance have been talking a lot lately about separating. I've tried a few times before but not because I didn't want to be with him. Rather, because I didn't want to ruin his life by allowing him to promise to be with an ill partner for the rest of his life. But he's brought it up himself lately...he says it's because he isn't happy and that he doesn't want either of us to wake up in ten years wondering why we didn't take more risks. Not that I can take any risks besides wandering away from the restroom while I'm flaring. I just don't know what to do...I love him so much, and he says he wants to give it another go, but how do you reconcile with yourself the fact that you are potentially ruining this person's life?
Which brings me to another problem that has been contributing to this, being, school. I've been trying to major in microbiology possibly with sights to go to med school, but it has taken so much time away from us. I've chosen to hit the books over spending time with him and I can't imagine how much that's hurt because I've done it so often. I wonder if this is the right path. I want to major in something where I have the power to change things and help people, but I don't want it if it means losing or hurting him.
Not only this, but prolonged use of prednisone is making me CRAZY. I've been making him feel guilty for going to see his friends or playing video games for no reason other than that it irritates me. I can't do this anymore I know...I realize it's mostly my fault with the way things are going, and I desperately want to fix them. We both agreed to keep trying for a little longer. I told him I would try harder to stop acting like such a shrew...he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. He really is a saint for putting up with what he has. Most young men his age would be out partying and trying on girl after girl, but he spends his nights in a hospital tending to me or at home...tending to me.
Of course another problem now is that the added stress and new foods to my diet has made me start flaring again. It's only a small one right now, but my stomach does hurt badly enough to be debilitating sometimes and I am losing blood again. This just makes it harder to keep promises of doing more. I feel like the added stress of school and relationship troubles, illegal foods, and so on have made this all set to go to hell in a hand basket.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I just feel so lost...I can live without him, but I wouldn't want to. I couldn't be with anyone else but him anyway. I've never been a warm person so the fact that he was able to get me to mentally open up at all was something. I just don't want to lose the one good and stable thing I have, but I don't want to keep it if it means making him miserable.

I think it is the cause for a good deal of depression. I get so paranoid and crazy too so I always am afraid he is going to leave me for someone 'better' so to speak. In other words, a girl who isn't sick. And that alone is enough to make me want to crawl under the covers and sleep for a year.
I just wonder if separating while we get our degrees is best or..I don't know...the only thing I'm sure of is that I want to be with him. I don't even look at other people anymore. It's as if he were the only one to exist sometimes. We both decided we want to try to make it work and have been trying to stay open and talk to each other about it, but I have a really bad habit of closing the whole world off and refusing to say anything. I know this definitely does not help things...

Oh, LMills. What a dilemma.

I need some time to think about this one... but in the meantime, please know that I'm here and listening and caring.

Ivy.

ps. Just so we can have some extra background, what type of career is your fiance hoping for? Will his be a high-pressure job, or one where he's likely to have some control over his hours and workload?

Single is hard. Being in a relationship is hard. Which one is better? I really don't know. You are still quite young. You are probably rolling your eyes right now but it is true. College is such an artifical environment too. Life will be very different, just as you will be different, after you graduate. I know of few relatiosnhips that lasted after college anyway. Why don't you give him and yourself some time? Take a break and focus on your studies and let him focus on his. See what time brings. Take care.

You can't make his decisions about living with CD. If he makes the decision to live with it, then you need to honor that. Of course we don't want to be responsible for anyone have unpleasant times. But if he goes in with his eyes open, then he has made an honest decision to accept it. This is very mature stuff. If he isn't there yet, and if you can't see how anyone would every choose a life like that, then you should wait for a while.

LMIlls:

I am more than twice your age, have been married for 36 years and normally would not insert myself into this kind of discussion with a young woman who is 10 years younger than my youngest child. But this is the internet so here are some observations, for what they are worth ...

Is it possible that your concerns about "ruining his life" could be hiding a deeper fear? I'm wondering whether you are terrified that this wonderful partner of yours is going to wake up some day and decide that you are damaged goods ( which, if we're being honest might just be how you have been feeling about yourself since diagnosis) and just not worth fighting for anymore. And if this thought is at the root of your fears, is it possible that you are sabotaging your relationship -- being *****y and judgemental -- to force the issue. In so doing sort of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It might be that you need to reconcile your relationship with yourself and your disease and that might go a long ways towards solving the conflicts in your relationship with your partner.

You are worth loving. Your partner is demonstrating this every day. And trust me, although it may seem impossible to believe, there will come a point when you will see the gifts that this nasty disease will bring into your life, not just the trials. Don't know what form those gifts will take in you, just know they are there.

We do not get to choose a lot of what happens to us in life. We do get to choose how we reconcile life events into the fabric of our beings. We do get to choose. And in the choosing we define who we are.

You are a fighter. Yes, you have been dealt a cruel cruel blow, but it is early days in your disease -- you've been diagnosed for less than a year and that's not a long time to go through the grieving process that is a part of receiving this kind of diagnosis. Be kind to yourself. If you can't yet find it in your heart to love this disease version of you, then trust the perspective of your partner. He loves you, disease and all. The disease will not be what separates you.

about your career aspirations. I am troubled that you seem to think that when you work you feel like you are stealing time away from your fiance. I doubt whether your partner wants to be responsible for you turning your back on your dreams of being a micro-biologist and/or a physician. But, is your work also taking you away from health at the moment? I don't know. But you need to honestly ask yourself whether, at this point in your disease, your studies are helping you move towards wellness or are they hindering your efforts to be well. That is a very individual thing and only you can figure it out, but I do think that question has far more legitimacy than worrying about what it is taking away from your partner.

You are so young and my heart aches when I think of the turmoil going on in your young life. I can not pretend to know how you are feeling. I was married and expecting my third child when crohn's struck. But I have often pondered what would have happened had I been still single and fear that, given my personality, I probably would not have allowed anyone to get close.

Is it possible that one of the gifts that this dd could give you is the opportunity to let someone else's strength (your fiance's) carry you for a little while? I grew up believing I was "the strong one". Emotionally, mentally, physically, intellectually I could always manage. Even in my marriage and through many years with this disease I continued to relish that label. When I finally let go and allowed myself to be weak, I inadvertently gave my family an amazing gift. I had been so busy taking care of them all, I had never let them take care of me. Best gift they ever received. Sometimes it is a strength to surrender.

Hugs from the heart.

Maybe it's time to take things one day at a time. Have some fun. Let the future work itself out.
Sounds like he's a good guy and you're a great gal. Perhaps a break from trying to figure out the future would make the present more fun??

hugs!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this Mills... some great advice has been posted already, I just wanted to add two things.

One - While all the advice here is great - from my perspective - Belleenstein hit the proverbial nail on the head. YOU have to reconcile your life with YOURSELF.

That being said - you are WAY ahead of the game, so give yourself some credit. You are an intelligent, sensitive, and self-aware woman - you just need to tune into yourself and TRUST yourself (something next to impossible to do on a fundamental level when you don't "trust" your own body, I know). You know what you need to do to get back in touch with your "true" self, so to speak - not this crohnie-cramming-stressed Mills. Dig deep, girl. You know what to do - there's just so much "static" from the bull-doody of daily life that sometimes it's hard to hear ourselves.

Two - My hubby knew I had crohn's when we got married, so he was "theoretically" prepared for the bumpy ride. We were two years in and married before I had a wicked flare. I was sooooooo scared that he would regret marrying me, or that he would feel "defeated" or "resigned" and be with me just because he agreed to and he's not the type to run. But honestly - I thank the spirits EVERY single day that he is my husband, because he has been my sanity - and we have come through the horrors of the last year stronger, and with even more love for each other. Not every boy is made of that kind of metal, if you know what I mean.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

I don't know what I'd do without my wife.

Having said that, I urge you not to let fear of being alone play into your decision. Good luck!

Just my thoughts but maybe you are overthinking this. You seem to have a lot on your plate now and being on medications probably doesn't help your thought process. As far as leaving someone because you don't want to hurt them, will leaving now not hurt him? Give him some say. Read what you just posted "He's has been so amazing...Ijust don't want to lose it. I would be a fool to throw it away." So hang on for now!

LMills, pretty much anything I could have said has already been said. I think you have a lot to think about, and you will come to the right decision if you come to it with thought and not just by fear.

As for stories about 36+ years of marriage, it gives me hope, and I really hope you can look at some of them and have hope that there are good people out there who are meant to be spouses of CD patients. I appreciate, Belleenstein, that you did decide to reply. Not only does your story and advice help the LMills, but it helps others like me also. There are times I have doubts about someone truly loving me and wanting to be a significant part of my life when I'm "damaged", and sometimes it's good to hear the questions that sometimes it's hard to ask yourself.

PB4-not just the "in sickness and in health", but the vast majority of vows are easily ignored or not taken literally by some, thus the divorce rate being so high. Isn't "for richer or poorer" another one that's not taken literally? People coping when financially stable, but breaking when there are money problems.... I hope that when I get married, it is to someone who takes them quite literally, as I plan on taking them literally myself.

snohare said...
I am the last person you want to be getting advice from. I have avoided getting into relationships just so that I wouldn't end up where you are now. I don't know that my way is any better, it can make for a pretty empty life. Better to have loved and lost, etc....
You have my sympathy though.
((Hugs))

Me too. I've only been in one relationship, and it was with someone more damaged than me (more mental than physical though). I realize now that the only reason I was with such a loser was because I didn't think anyone else would have me. On the bright side, that relationship made me feel very appreciative to have such a nice normal family who treat each other with respect .

Hi I say don't worry about hurting him because if you two weren't together ,he could go onto a relationship with someone who doesn't love him and who knows what could happen . So take a break as you said all the extra time isn't helping your brain needs a break from it sometimes.. discuss how much time is good for him and he must have studies too.. get at the real problems and stop tearing yourself up.. If you are on pred. you must not be feeling the greastest..being sick wears us down ...you"ll get threw this.. Life is chances and all relationships have there risk...throw that bad hooo dooo your feeling to the curb.. and let go off all that inner insecurities that just get us messed up...and tell your Dr. that pred. is causing you depression ,how much are you on and when can you lower..lol gail